[Stormster]

Does anyone know of any? Where can I find them? I feel like such a trendsetter lately. I'm the only one I know who is in an OA.

Yesterday I was speaking on the phone with E's birthmother and my Dad called. I told him I had to call him back because I was on the phone with her. When I finally returned his call his first words to me were "what did SHE want?"

I took a deep breath and said "Dad, I called HER. We are in an OPEN ADOPTION (for the fiftieth time). That means we speak, we send pics and will someday, hopefully, have visits. This is the reason SHE chose US. If we hadn't wanted this E would not be with us."

but the thing is a month from now this is all going to happen again. I would love to put together something that explains OA better than I do because MAN I can't take it anymore. Not one person close to me said good for you or that sounds awesome or anything....

All I get is silence, uncomfortable silence or rude comments like "what did SHE want"

Has the world (or my family) gone insane? I literally want a handout so if anyone stares at their shoes again I can say "here please read this so you can understand better"

So any references would be appreciated.

[Oceans]

Brenda Romanchik may have more sources but one of the most highly cited (I have found) and comprehensive is the Minnesota Texas Project (MN/TX) Adoption Project.

MN/TX Adoption Project

Look to the left and you can find the links to key findings. I'll look for some others (on my PC) a bit later and let you know if I have additional resources. I would also check out the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute link on the right. They are another key source of adoption related studies.

Hope it helps...

[lahdh4]

Your family hasn't gone insane. Supergirl's grandparents are the same way. They don't understand why I don't get out the picture since I am the one who "gave her away"
I know L (amom) has been trying to deal with it but my therapist has offered some books, but right now I cannot remember them.

[HeidiK]

Both of my adoptions are open- and we will be travelling this summer to vacation with my sons birthfamily. 5 yrs later and I still get looks and questions espically from adoptive families. Open adoption means forever!

[Oceans]

They don't understand why I don't get out the picture since I am the one who "gave her away"

You know L...It kind of bothers me that you know that. Hopefully it was shared in "nice" way???

[lahdh4]

I got that from my therapist who had spoken to L and when we had a big meeting last year it was brought up again and how L can handle that and them.
Just makes fight that much more.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Stormster, I find it to be a generational issue. My dad still struggles with the fact that we have contact with the girls' birthmom - and they are 7 years old! I just figure he's 74 years old, things were done very differently back in the day, and it's my responsibility to keep reminding him of how we're doing things.

I find that people of my age/generation are much more accepting and understanding. They seem to "get it" after one explanation and don't keep asking the same thing.

[Stormster]

Ouch. I'm also kind of surprised you would know that. I don't think my father wants her "out of the picture" but he just doesn't understand the concept and isn't able to retain anything I tell him.

[gigigeorge]

I think when you are not in that situation, it doesn't really make sense. We have a very open adoption with A's bmom and their extended family. Whenever I mention that we have spoken to her or are going to visit its usually met with uncomfortable silence and then 'oh that's nice.' Even my stepmom who totally gets the whole OA thing and why its important to us sometimes is at a loss for words as to what to say. With O his mom wanted a closed adoption, and I hope that someday she changes her mind... when people find out that she wants it closed they think its a good thing... I think they just don't understand, I think really until you are in the midst of it, you cant understand. I mean I think back to before we adopted A and the thought of having to have any kind of contact was really weird... but I am so glad that I trusted my gut and did all the research I did because I think its a wonderful thing !

As for studies, I know there are some out there. But I come from a large blended family (aside from my grandparents no one is married to the first person they married or the one they had kids with) so to me, A's bmoms & her family are kinda included in that group. They are just a part of our family. I have 6 siblings but only one that is a full blood sibling, and only 3 of the 6 I was raised with but I always knew and understood that they were my brothers and sisters. It was just a comfort thing with my family, no one was a 'secret' or whatever. That kinda of understanding is something that I try to foster with our adoptions. I realize I am rambling - lol guess I need to have some more coffee ! (or less)

gina.

[Fran27]

I think open adoption is still too recent to have real studies about it. I was looking everywhere 2 years ago and didn't find anything, just first hand experiences, good or bad (although the bad were often someone they know who has a child in an OA if you catch my drift).

But yeah I agree it must be a generation thing, my MIL is really glad we don't have an OA... Just that we worked on a profile and that birthmoms choose the adoptive parents shocked her to no end. She doesn't get why we must send pictures and write letters either.

We can just hope new generations will be more open minded...

[portlowski]

My dad and stepmom don't get it either. I have explained patiently about the benefits to our son. That WE want it and are comfortable with it. That we think it is a good thing. My dad says nothing, but then even after a full explanation my stepmom said, "but don't you really wish she would just move on and discontinue contact?" I said again, no. We want her to have peace with her decision but we want her in our lives. Still, she said, "but wouldn't it be so much easier without contact?" And all I could think was, yeah it would be easier only because I wouldn't be having this stupid conversation with you. sigh. I bring it up less but still make sure they know this is the way it is. This is how we are doing it. Like it or not.

Good luck!!

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Fran27

I think open adoption is still too recent to have real studies about it.

Actually open adoptions first started "officially" in the early '80's. Like Oceans replied, Brenda Romanchik is a great resource and I know she has information on the studies that have been done on open adoption and the children and families living it.

[Jensboys]

I am taking my son to meet his first family in July (he was adopted from foster care at age 4). I just know who to talk to or not talk to about it.

I guess, ultimately, my dad is MY DAD and he thinks his job is to protect me, and because he THINKS this will hurt ME, he doesnt want me to do it. I just dont discuss it with him -- I simply INFORM him, but dont ask his opinion, and I might say something to him to NOT say anything about it in front of our son.

[jren]

The only study I have is my DD, and at 4 year old, she's doing FANTASTIC in an open adoption. I can already see how much value she puts into her time with her birthmom and how much that relationship means to her. It's part of her identity, and without that relationship, I can see what a huge hole it would leave. I only wish it were MORE open. We do visits, but not phone calls as DD's birthmom is very private and shy.

I think there was a lot of fear on the extended family's side at first, like they would somehow "lose" DD to her birthfamily. At least my mom is starting to get it more now. She asked DD an adoption related question recently, and DD spouted off all about how she was born and about her birthmom and how her room looks and the things they did together and how she loves visiting... She could see how much it means to DD, and not confusing to her at all. My mom's a therapist, so that helps.

[EZ2Luv]

My adad cannot grasp the concept of open adoption. I agree that it is a generational thing. I have explained what open adoption is to him numerous times. He still thinks it would be confusing to the child and still comes up with whe whys and "why would teh birtmother want to interfere and tourture herself. Older people just do not get it. Also too I think when other family members hear of a loved one in an open adoption they fear that the bmom is going to want to take the baby back/

In my adad's case there were only closed adoptions and one time when I was 5 yrs old a friend of his knew of a bmom that was looking to place her baby boy, well my adad did take the baby and the woman kept calling him asking for money so my parents contacted DSS and gave the baby up. So I think this is where the older generation gets these ideas.

EZ