[loveajax]

One thing that has been "bothering" me lately is that I totally have learned so much from this whole site, etc. and yet sometimes I think it "skews" my own feelings about the adoption of DD.

We have a fairly open adoption relationship with DD's birth parents (we recently had a visit). DD's birth mom has said to me several times that she knows she would not have been a good parent to DD at the time she was placed, and, though things are better now, she knows she made the right decision. I also know how hard the whole experience has been on her (and DD's bdad too, though he, like many men (!), does not really express his feelings).

Many times I say (and believe) that no one knows how anything "would have been." Yet lately I feel strongly (esp. after seeing how DD's parents are with their daughters) that DD is thriving in a way that would not be possible if she was raised by them. Is it "OK" to embrace that? I sometimes think that if I say things like this, I am being unPC. But I truly believe that is the truth.

Is it "OK" to believe that you are "meant' to be the parents of your child?

I have a lot of "guilt" in my life, but one thing I strive for is for DD never to feel anything but my unconditional love....I "worry" sometimes that I fret too much about "adoption issues." And frankly, I don't see any with her (yet) and I worry if I am focusing too much on the whole "adoption" thing.

I am not sure why I am posting this, but I don't have a blog....!!

Btw, I am not saying that every kid that is placed has a "better life" or anything of that sort. But I'm just wondering if it is OK to feel that they do (if they do).

[startedover]

I think you worded your feelings wonderfully. Since joining this board I have learned that sometimes children are not always "better off" when adopted, but yes a majority of the time they are and for the reason you just stated .... AT THAT TIME IN THE BIRTH PARENTS LIFE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING. Placing a child for adoption doesn't mean those people are not good parents, they just wouldn't be at that particular time. I remember when my Ad was a few months old, her bfather got arrested while at home. SOmeone had to come get the bio brother that they are raising. I sat down and cried like a baby at how scared that little boy must have been and how my DD could have been sitting there waiting on CS or someone to come get her. I thanked God right then and there for knowing what was best for my little girl, and hoped that things would get better for that little boy. But the thing is , the bfather has been a wonderful father in the past and the type man he is and bmom, I know they will be again. Let yourself soak in the fact that you were MEANT TO be this childs parent.

[paigeturner]

No it isn't politically incorrect to think so. But, I'm too tired tonight to articulate why I believe this...so, this is a place holder.

[thanksgivingmom]

Ooooh, that's a hard question Love. (I hope you don't mind me chiming in as a firstmom or anything). I think it's so hard not to take this question personally sometimes. My gut reaction is to put it right back to me and say "NO! DD doesn't have a better life, she has a different life." In my situation I believe that to be true. Is it? I suppose that depends on how you measure "better." I think DD would certainly be as smart if I parented her. I think she would be as advanced developmentally. I KNOW she would be as loved. I KNOW she would be well taken care of. I KNOW she would not want for anything. I'll never know all of this for sure of course, but I think I would have been an awesome Mom to her. I also know that we wouldn't have the money that her Mom does, that she wouldn't be in the amazing day care that she's currently in, but I don't think that's the most important way to measure her "better"-ness or not.

So that's US. Not you.

With you, I don't want you to feel adoption guilt. I think you're a great Mom, I know that you have wonderful standards and expectations and have committed yourself to understanding adoption from all sides, not just the one that you live.

I think when you're talking about your specific situation you have your feelings and can embrace them. The danger becomes (and this isn't you I'm talking about, just in general) when personal experience is translated into generalizations. IE a thread of "Let's all celebrate how much better all of our kids lives are now that we're their parents." I'm not going to lie, that thread would make me nauseous. You politely questioning where you are today doesn't bother me (again - possibly because I "know" you).

There was just one thing that got me in Startedover's post:

Placing a child for adoption doesn't mean those people are not good parents, they just wouldn't be at that particular time.

This sort of generalization makes me uncomfortable. I would have made a good parent at the time I placed. That wasn't the issue. I think we get into dangerous territory when assuming the "why's" behind any placement.

[Snick22]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

There was just one thing that got me in Startedover's post:

Quote:
Placing a child for adoption doesn't mean those people are not good parents, they just wouldn't be at that particular time.


This sort of generalization makes me uncomfortable. I would have made a good parent at the time I placed. That wasn't the issue. I think we get into dangerous territory when assuming the "why's" behind any placement.

Maybe this could be better by changing it to

Quote:
Placing a child for adoption doesn't mean those people are not good parents, they just COULDN'T be at that particular time.

[bromanchik]

I think you also have to ask the question "What makes a good parent?" This can be highly subjective. My sister and I are both "good parents" with totally different lifestyles and styles of parenting. So "better off" is a subjective thing.

[Stormster]

Reading your post I'm wondering why the need to qualify "better off" at all? If one looks at the trajectory of your DD's life isn't it ALL part and parcel of the journey?

I don't believe any kind of title or deed has been transferred. She is always "a daughter". Rather, I think it is more accurate to say that your life, as a parent has been altered. What kind of parent am I having been assigned this wonderful responsibility?

If I may, I wonder if your guilt is making you feel like you need to make the comparison to justify the pain you feel YOU may have caused DD's birthmother. You have not caused the pain and I'm sure you know that on some levels but it can be hard to make peace with adoption sometimes, esp. in open adoptions where we SEE the pain the adoption has caused the birthmother.

And then the fear about the pain it may cause DD in the future, no wonder we cling to the notion that we "saved" them somehow or greatly improved their potential for a good life.

The truth is, there are as many different situations as there are kids who are placed. I'm happy your DD's birthmother is doing well but she did sign a TPR and you are a parent now. Period. Good for you for participating in an OA and dealing with all the feelings you are having but I just think it's not necessary to justify anything to yourself.

I believe that OA is about HER relationship with her birthmother and you need to step back and do the business of mothering without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are awesome. She sounds awesome too! And thank goodness she is doing well! But you're Mom.

PS I used to get very jealous that E's birthmother was his REAL mother and I was sloppy seconds but now I don't even consider that! Right now I'm the only one who remotely can be considered a Mom to him. If his birthmother got her life together and wanted to be more part of it I don't know how I'd feel but I hope I'd take my own advice! And btw participating in OA which enriches our children's self esteem (even when it can be a bit of a pain in the butt) is the ultimate good parenting and something you should be even MORE proud of! Now THAT is something not everyone can do!!!!

[lovemy2boys]

I've been thinking about this too lately. My feeling of this is that children aren't necessarily "better off" with adoptive parents. I think it is dependant on the situation.

The other day, we were visiting AJ's firstmom...and although we have an OA, most of the time it is tenuous at best. But we are both TOTALLY commmitted to building on our relationship, even when it seems like roadblocks are put up everywhere.

So the other day, she tells me that she will always feel that AJ has a much better life with my DH and I as opposed to if she would have parented him. And I said "No, his life isn't necessarily better, it's different". She disagreed - she said "Believe me - his life is better because he has/had a calmer, stable, loving home"...because she had to go through ALOT of growing in order to get to where she is now - and she truly doesn't think she could have done so if she would have parented...and because I'm aware of what she's been through, I can see why she feels this way (BUT I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO FEEL OR BE SUPERIOR...I'm saying this because she's really had a difficult life and has gone through some MAJOR things that would be difficult for any child to go through unscathed - SHE'S come through this pretty damaged, and I can't imagine a child coming through any better).

Now, if I would have this same conversation with JD's firstmom she would definately say that his life is not better, but different. And I can see why SHE feels this wway. But she has always had a great support system in her life - and she has the stability that AJ's firstmom never really had.

So for our family, it's not that WE are the "better" parents...it's about what we have all gone through or are going through that brings us all to feel one way or another...I hope I'm making sense.

And as far as thinking that I was "meant to be" my boys mom, I truly do feel that. I can't imagine having any other children as my children...but when I say that, I don't mean that they weren't "meant to be" with their firstparent. I don't mean that I think their other moms got pregnant and HAD to make an adoption plan because I was meant to be their mom...but I do think that when they made their adoption plan and were going through the many profiles and trying to find a family for their children, God had a hand in bringing us all together.

[Fran27]

I think also it depends a lot of the situation. In some cases I'm sure the kids would have been 'better off' in their birth family in the long run. In other cases like mine it's pretty 'easy' to know, as there was no way the birthparents would have been able to afford clothes/toys etc for them - but I'm sure they are great parents to the children they are parenting.

[BrandyHagz]

I think it's totally ok to think that about your own situation...

The problem comes when people think that about every situation...

[opalwench]

Originally Posted by Snick22

Maybe this could be better by changing it to

Quote:
Placing a child for adoption doesn't mean those people are not good parents, they just COULDN'T be at that particular time.

I think that has the possiblity to be inaccurate as well. I think you missed some of what TG was saying (TG correct me if I've got it screwed up.) Yet again, you're getting into "whys" which, as was said, is dangerous territory.

Speaking from my case, we would and could have been good parents. Placement is much more complex than it appears.

To the OP, I really cringe at "better," and I really want to tell you that "different" is not "better." But me telling you that doesn't change how you feel.

I really feel that you are setting up a measuring stick where there doesn't need to be one.

To take it out of adoption land - One could argue that my cousins have a better life than my sister and I. My aunt did more housekeeping, there were rules about meals and vegetables and desserts, stricter beliefs, etc. And yes, none of my cousins went off and got pregnant or moved in with a guy or experienced any number of trials that I have. But that doesn't mean that their lives are better, just different in my opinion. Because my experiences frame me and make my personality what it is... Does that make sense?

[nikkianni]

I think like every adoption situation, this too is individual.
But I don't think it's wrong to feel the way you do.
In DD's case, this would be a better life situation.
Will that be the case with our next child? Maybe not.
Not to sound insensitive, but I don't dwell on it. I know my daughter is meant to me my daughter. I can't see anything wrong with that.
I haven't had the "what would her life have been like otherwise" thoughts for about a year now.
I respect her birthparents for making a tough choice that was all about their child's well being. And I'm thankful to them that they saw something in DH and I that made them believe we would be great parents. I try to live up to that every day.
But otherwise, I just live my life as mom, and I'm grateful for that.
Sometimes we can get too caught up in the "adoption" issues I think.

[oceanica]

Since I haven't adopted yet I really have no business commenting on this, but my two cents:
This is such a complex issue that you can't use terms like "better" or "worse". That is too simplified.
Of course the adopted child is better off in many ways and worse off in many ways also, so the sum of it hopefully is that it's good for the adoptee and that he or she is being loved and cared for.
Feeling guilt or trying to punish yourself isn't going to help anyone, so just stop!

[kelceesmom]

For me it is a totally a one situation at a time thing. I know you are just wondering and mainly asking for yourself.

A few folks who know us, and I would say mainly a little older at that, say that Kelcee is better off with us than her bparents. Look at how they were at the time that we adopted her.

I always reply that things would just have been different for her. When I think about internally I always hope that she would be loved as much. Like TGM states, I know she would be as intelligent, active, and beautiful I just hope she would be as loved.

[loveajax]

Thank you for all your replies! I am taking them all to heart. I definitely always do that "sliding doors" thing....what would life have been if...(not just re: DD, but about other stuff). I need to stop, cuz it's kind of unproductive! I think perhaps the most powerful thing I have ever read on this forum was from an adoptee who said, "you can't lead parallel lives, just the one you have." So in effect I just have to be the best parent I can be without "comparing" myself to anyone else.

Stormster, you are right about some of these feelings probably coming up to assuage the "guilt" I have (which I know I shouldn't have either). Lovemy2boys, DD's birth mom is like AJ's....she always explains to me why SHE thinks DD is doing so well and why she doesn't think she would have been a good parent at the time (based on some really tough extraneous situations). I always "fight" her on that, but maybe I'm just like wondering if it is OK to embrace it, since SHE feels that way, you know? I don't know.

I feel like Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy!!!