[loveajax]

Paige, my husband (who was adopted) was saying this exact thing....

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with adoption is addressing the "whys" a kid may have. I know a lot of adoptive parents tell their kids that their birth mother placed because they wanted the kid to have a better life. (My DD's birth mom has said that). I guess I'm not understanding why it's such a bad thing to say that (if your child's birth mother feels that way). I don't know. I know things can and do change (and I hope that they do for DD's birth parents who have faced a lot of struggles and are great parents themselves in spite of these struggles). I know my DD will definitely "miss" out on being raised by her birth family (the thought of it breaks my heart sometimes). But I think if I just thought, "oh hey, here's this kid that was placed with me randomly and isn't doing as well as she would be in her bio family," I would have a hard time "explaining" the whole thing to DD. This isn't to "bash" her birth parents. I just think they made the right choice AT THE TIME (and so do they). I don't really feel bad about embracing that.

Sorry...rambling!

[BrockBaby]

Love...you shouldn't feel bad. You are a great parent..and for that your child is blessed!

[belleinblue1978]

Maybe the trick here is to embrace being the best parent you can be, and not worry about all the other stuff. Your kiddo will know...

[BrockBaby]

I was doing a few things, thinking about "being better off"...and I realized...I am better off then many people, because I know who I am, I know where my history is, and I know that I was loved VERY much by not only my parents who gave me life, but by my parents who gave me a life....

[loveajax]

That's beautiful, Brock! I want very much for DD to feel that way as well.....She is loved soooooo much by so many, it's kind of insane!

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

I know that I was loved VERY much by not only my parents who gave me life, but by my parents who gave me a life....

Brockbaby,

I love this quote. As a first mother and as a mother.

[ocracoke]

It has taken me a while to formulate my thoughts on this. PC or not, we all have our thoughts on this.

As an adoptee, I totally believe that my life if "better" because I was adopted. My birth parents did not make an adoption plan. The state did. It removed me from an abusive home and gave me a loving (but far from perfect home). Because I was adopted I had opportunities that I would not have had if I had been raised in my birth family. I have an education, I like my belief/moral/ethical truths, and I have a family that I adore. And I do not regret any of the pain and suffering I endured throughout my life because it has helped me to be the person I am today.

As an adoptive parent, I struggle a little more with this but I hope that my daughter will not. Her birth parents did not choose adoption because they thought she would be "better off" with me then them. Her mother had died and her father was terminal. Her birth father hoped someone in his family would step up to care for her and they did not. He chose adoption because there was no other choice for her. And while I can judge if she is "better off" I also mourn what she has lost. She has lost smells, sights, cultures, religions, languages. Her life is nothing like what it would have been. And last night as I did my dishes in my 700 square foot house I thought about a few of my friends who are waiting for their adoptive children to come home. And I realized I could not give to my daughter what they will be able to give to their children. They have bigger houses, nicer cars, better vacations, more expensive educations. And I wondered if she would be "better off" with a family that had more to offer her. Then last night she slept with her little body wrapped around my arm all night and would not let go. Right now I believe she thinks this is the best life ever and hope that she continues to believe that she has a good life being my daughter.

Samantha

[Stormster]

Oh Samantha your post has me in floods of tears. Stop it girl! I know what you mean about the visceral/cultural losses but let me tell you I grew up in a really big house with really great vacations and lots of stuff and it was a terrible childhood.

DH grew up in a tiny house (probably the same but with more people) with one bathroom for everyone and no "stuff" ...never went on a plane, didn't have a TV till he was 11 etc. etc. he never even ate in a restaurant until after highschool! and he is the most well adjusted person I know with so many wonderful childhood memories.

Forget all that other stuff. Just love her and you know what I say: nothing NO THING can replace a mother who PLAYS with her child and is emotionally predictable and available.

So sweet though, lucky kid!

[manni28]

Deep down a parent may feel they were but those feelings are yours. In the case of severe addiction, abuse ect most adopted people will be able to figure it out on there own. It is pretty much a given that in those

Dpens:

I agree with you however, even when there is no abuse, addiction or dysfunction, the adult child can also see they were better off. I have read many posts where bmom was married and pregnant with another man's child/ the bdad was married/ father unknown or bmom was very young-you get my drift. In cases like these, I do believe there’s chaos and a lot of times the child is better off somewhere else.

I don't believe god intended for bmoms to purposely get pregnant and place. However, I DO believe that GOD/guardian angels did lead the achild and aparents ( if they're excellent parents) to each other.


I've always felt my angels had a role in bringing me and my aparents together. JMHO

-Manni28

[kakuehl]

D and I have been in reunion for almost 3 years. I think he has moved from anger (She walked out of my life, why does she think she can just walk back into it.) to a comment not long ago that he thought I'd done the right thing. He doesn't talk easily about emotions so it's hard to say for certain, but I believe that in getting to know me, he has come to accept that I do (and did) love him, that I didn't just give birth and walk away. For me, BTW, it was never about him having more financially than I could give, it was about the emotional strength that I knew I didn't possess at the time. As the oldest of four, all born before my father finished his schooling, I knew what it was like to be born to parents who "loved me but didn't want me." I didn't want to do emotionally to him what my mother did to me... I guess I would have to say I believed he was "better off" with parents who were ready and wanting to be parents. (Of course he grew up believing I didn't want him as opposed to hearing me say it... I don't know which is worse.) Ultimately he has 3 parents who love him very much. (His birth father certainly cared about him, but he's dead and they will not meet in this life.)

Most of us want wants best for our children and we want to believe we are the best parent they could have. Unfortunately when we start making comparisons (Who is better, etc.) we have a divisive discussion (even when one home is clearly safer, healthier, etc.). Sometimes it's heathier to live in the what is rather than the what could have been.

[Slatond10]

Didn't read all the responses... In your case you know the 1st family. I think it is ok to "feel" what you do. We all have feelings.

Not many people are in your particular circumstances. In my case DD is adopted from Guatemala. I have other people tell me she is "better off" but IMHO, I am not sure that is true nor do I feel that way. I love her with all my heart and do anything I can for her. We are completely bonded -- so no issues there.

BUT I believe her first Mom which has 5 bio children besides DD is probably an excellent mother too. Her experiences might make her better! :-)... Guatemala is a beautiful country, rich w/ culture. So her life with me is "different" There would be advantages and disadvantages either way! I can't possible know. But I do know my life is richer and filled with love because her 1st mother made an adoption plan and I was blessed to be the one that got to raise her.

My nephew and his wife have had 3 children removed from their home by DSS. Bad situation and if I had taken one of their children in, I believe I would feel that I would be given that child a "better life." So there are different stories per each child and his/her circumstances.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you believe that adoptive families are exempt from chaos, you are sorely mistaken.

[Stormster]

Jenna which post were you referring to?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Most of us want wants best for our children and we want to believe we are the best parent they could have. Unfortunately when we start making comparisons (Who is better, etc.) we have a divisive discussion (even when one home is clearly safer, healthier, etc.). Sometimes it's heathier to live in the what is rather than the what could have been.

Kathy, all your posts on this thread have been right on the mark (I appreciate all you said about the "meant to be" comment), at least from my thinking. And this comment, especially, to me anyway, is the bottom line. We will ALWAYS get into trouble, and rarely see eye to eye when we start comparing "this" against "that". We all come from different perspectives, unique situations and varied places in our journeys related to how adoption affects our lives.

I missed so much this weekend being away from the forums. But what an interesting, winding thread...

[munketoes]

I think one of my favorite quotes applies here.... regardless of the situation

"Remember that children, marriages and gardens all reflect the care they are given."

For me, this is to say maybe SOME birth parents felt this way, and were just at a point in their life where they didnt feel they could take care of their children as well as the adoptive parents they chose.

I would have to agree with posters that say, not better, just different.