[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

As for `meant to be` well, I know there`s lots of people that believe that. I believe that a child is `meant to be` with the parent that gave birth to them but sometimes in the circumstances of that moment (or the choices of a lifetime if that is the case) it isn`t the healthiest place for the child. And I say that ONLY ABOUT MY SITUATIONS, which are atypical (or so it seems) to many open adoption situations spoken of on this forum.

Thanks for saying that about the "meant to be" thing. I cringe everytime I read that because I just can't see how I was meant to go through all of the pain and anguish I have been through just so that someone else could be a parent.

[manni28]

Thanks for saying that about the "meant to be" thing. I cringe everytime I read that because I just can't see how I was meant to go through all of the pain and anguish I have been through just so that someone else could be a parent.

I'm sorry I don't understand this statement. Wasn't the placement of your child your choice?

[Oceans]

I'm sorry I don't understand this statement. Wasn't the placement of your child your choice?

I’ll answer from my POV (obviously not for Belle). When I hear (or read) someone saying that it was “meant to be” then they are taking away a bmoms right to choose - as if this were pre-ordained by God. In my belief system, God would not cause me the emotional pain I have experienced as a bmom, just to make someone else a parent. Wouldn’t happen…

Choices were made which resulted in making my son’s parents – parents. In my situation, God didn’t make that choice, I did…

Personally, I would be pretty upset with Him if I knew He used my body and my life to fulfill someone else’s destiny… My Priest would have to re-explain the whole "Free Will" concept to one angry birthmom... LOL

[manni28]

Choices were made which resulted in making my son’s parents – parents. In my situation, God didn’t make that choice, I did…

Thank you. This is how I see most cases of today's adoptions-it's a choice.

[elledarcy]

Originally Posted by Oceans

I’ll answer from my POV (obviously not for Belle). When I hear (or read) someone saying that it was “meant to be” then they are taking away a bmoms right to choose - as if this were pre-ordained by God. In my belief system, God would not cause me the emotional pain I have experienced as a bmom, just to make someone else a parent. Wouldn’t happen…

Choices were made which resulted in making my son’s parents – parents. In my situation, God didn’t make that choice, I did…

Personally, I would be pretty upset with Him if I knew He used my body and my life to fulfill someone else’s destiny… My Priest would have to re-explain the whole "Free Will" concept to one angry birthmom... LOL

This is one of the toughest issues I've encountered with adoption. I truly do feel like my DD was "meant to be" part of our family because she fits in our lives so perfectly and wonderfully, but I also can't reconcile that with the fact that her birthmom had to go through the pain and uncertainty and ridicule involved with an unexpected teenage pregnancy just so I could be a mom. If God “meant” for her to be part of our family, didn’t that mean that He meant for her bmom to experience all that trauma and pain?

Maybe, I think, it’s like two people meeting while in a concentration camp during WWII and after surviving the war, getting married and having children and all that. Could these two people say they were “meant to be together” when so much pain was involved in their getting together? What about the children that came out of that marriage? Were they “meant to be” or should they never have been because of the pain that so many people should not have had to endure for their parents to meet.

Maybe “meant to be” just means that God sees what’s happening. He sees the pain of an unexpected pregnancy and sees the pain of a couple who desperately wants children and He tries lead us all through. I don’t think this negates free will of course, but I do think that God gives us hints about what course we might take. Maybe He put on the heart of a e-mom who was struggling to decide what to do to consider adoption. I know He put on my heart to call the agency and start filling out all those papers.

I guess everyone will have a different take on this. I like the idea that God was trying to bring us together, not because He wanted someone to be in pain, but because He wanted to bring something good out of something that is inherently painful and traumatic.

[kakuehl]

I just found this thread and have read (admitedly skimmed) through the 5 pages. A couple of thoughts are now rattling around in my head. There are always trade-offs. Did I decide to have unprotected sex so that D's parents could have their son? Was that God's decision? I don't think so. His birth was the result of my decisions as was his placement for adoption. May parents would have helped me until I got established. I do believe that God can bring good even out of poor decisions. Did my reliquishing D give him a better life than he would have had? I don't know. In some ways it was not much different from the life his younger half-sibs experienced. All parents involved are college educated professionals. Since our reunion, when D complains about something his parents did or didn't do, I just say it wouldn't have been much different in my home. Were the reasons I had for placing D valid? Did I make the right decision? In light of the side effects of adoption for D and me, I'm not always sure. I do know that I did the best I could at the time, and that D has parents who love him unconditionally.

[thanksgivingmom]

For me, I can't go with "meant to be" in the greater scheme of God having a plan for my daughter. It was MY decision. I don't put it on God or anyone else. It wasn't his decision.

Having said that, I didn't choose DD's Mom. Not figuratively, I really didn't. I didn't look through profiles or anything, she was next on the list. We both are fond of saying that we lucked out. That I placed in such an untraditional crazy way, but it's by placing that way that I ended up with her in my life, and vice versa. And we're both pretty glad about that as we've worked towards a good, trusting, respectful relationship.

Was God's hand in there somewhere? Very well could be - but my daughter wasn't created just for the purpose of her Mom becoming a Mom. That's where I have to draw the line.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by manni28

I'm sorry I don't understand this statement. Wasn't the placement of your child your choice?

I guess you could call it a "choice". One that I made with a man who was refusing to give me any kind of support and even after asking about resources being told by the agency I was making another couple SOOOO happy. I was making the "good and right" choice for my son, even though, I said I didn't feel that way.

I'm sorry, but I can't believe that there is any kind of higher power that would let women who want to be pregnant have IF issues and women that don't want children be the ones to bear children for them. Too "Handmaiden's Tale" for me, thanks.

And for those of you that believe that every first mom in the world makes a free and clear choice with no pressures, you need to take your rose colored glasses off and see the light.

[Fran27]

That's what I will NEVER understand with religion. Everything is God's way, and His plan, but not what brings pain? What about the saying that God will only make you go through what He knows you can deal with? (or whatever the exact saying is...).

It's so paradoxical...

Anyway...

I don't go with the 'meant to be' stuff either. Just because whatever way you look at it, in the grand scheme of things, chance, God, or whatever, if something happens, it's that it was meant to be. So it's just redundant to say something was meant to be... Same way as if something didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. Duh.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by Fran27

That's what I will NEVER understand with religion. Everything is God's way, and His plan, but not what brings pain? What about the saying that God will only make you go through what He knows you can deal with? (or whatever the exact saying is...).

It's so paradoxical...

Anyway...

I don't go with the 'meant to be' stuff either. Just because whatever way you look at it, in the grand scheme of things, chance, God, or whatever, if something happens, it's that it was meant to be. So it's just redundant to say something was meant to be... Same way as if something didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be. Duh.

The problem of course is people will always argue about what God's plan means. I personally to NOT believe that God micromanages our lives. We are not puppets. There is a sense in which God's "Laws" are a fence: if we stay within the boundaries we are safe (at least mostly, as long as everyone else does too.) Often our problems are of our own making... such as my getting pregnant while a college student. I do believe that God is with us and can provide wisdom and strength -- if we seek it. I face choices, each and every day. It is my decision whether I'm going to choose God's way or not.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by manni28

I'm sorry I don't understand this statement. Wasn't the placement of your child your choice?

I'm not sure if I'm reading your point correctly but "choice" doesn't mean that pain and anguish should just be accepted then. I really don't want to try to liken it to anything or compare pain, but I would never tell a couple that didn't try to concieve children until later in life that their IF issues were their fault and that they chose that path and should deal with the pain and anguish they experience. Likewise, I don't appreciate others insinuating that since I made a choice to place my child anything that is a result of my choice is something I was asking for.

It's entirely inappropriate in my opinion. We don't do it to others and we shouldn't do it here.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

I'm not sure if I'm reading your point correctly but "choice" doesn't mean that pain and anguish should just be accepted then. I really don't want to try to liken it to anything or compare pain, but I would never tell a couple that didn't try to concieve children until later in life that their IF issues were their fault and that they chose that path and should deal with the pain and anguish they experience. Likewise, I don't appreciate others insinuating that since I made a choice to place my child anything that is a result of my choice is something I was asking for.

It's entirely inappropriate in my opinion. We don't do it to others and we shouldn't do it here.

I was thinking the same thing after I posted. I sometimes wonder if it makes people feel better to say "well it was her choice", because then they can 1. act like it shouldn't hurt us, or 2. act as if it is our fault that we hurt. Or a combination of both.

[Leigh131313]

The thing about the whole "meant to be" idea is - I don't think you can pick and chose things in your life that you feel are meant to be - or aren't. If your beliefs lead you to believe in a predestined plan of sorts - you can't just shut it off for the negatives. If you don't believe in that - fine.

I do believe our son was meant to be with us. I believe I was meant to go through all we did before he arrived in our lives. I don't believe God was punishing me in any way - just as I don't feel he punishes children with sickness. I believe there is a bigger plan.

Are there choices? Absolutely. But I do believe in a greater plan for my life.


Which of course no one else has to believe, but me!!

[Leigh131313]

I wanted to add..

I attended a budhist temple for quite a while, and alot of my thinking stems from that - tho I don't believe I am a true budhist by any measure.

There basic philosophy is surrounded around the thoughts "Life is Suffering"

It sounds dismal...but when you really think about it....it makes sense. It took me a long time...but this has definitely shaped my way of thinking.

[mdesi]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

The problem of course is people will always argue about what God's plan means. I personally to NOT believe that God micromanages our lives. We are not puppets. There is a sense in which God's "Laws" are a fence: if we stay within the boundaries we are safe (at least mostly, as long as everyone else does too.) Often our problems are of our own making... such as my getting pregnant while a college student. I do believe that God is with us and can provide wisdom and strength -- if we seek it. I face choices, each and every day. It is my decision whether I'm going to choose God's way or not.

I'm glad that you said that. DH and I say that often. The only thing that I know for sure is His plan is that I, and other people, try to turn things that happen in our lives to serve His greater purpose and to serve Him. I don't believe that God is handing out babies or infertility to "test" us. I think that things happen and he wants us to look to Him for guidance, and try to find a way to make the situation serve Him and be loving, even when the problems are not a result of an action that we did/did not do.