[aclee]

Ty bparents made their choice not because the life that he had with us would be better, but to also preserve their ability to parent the children they already have in an environment they felt was "good enough". They placed Ty so they could maintain their current lifestyle, which although not extravagant, is more than adequate for their 3 parented children. Adding one more child to that would have changed their ability to maintain that lifestyle. Even our social worker in MO said that Tyler's life would not be drastically different than that of his Bsiblings. It would be more shades of grey in the ways our life was different. Had the choosen to parent Ty, their life style and resources would have been more strained, so their lives, and the lives of all the children would have changed, and their lifestyle would have slipped a notch I guess...that's what was indicated as their main reason for placing.

[slugbug0930]

In our situation our bmom couldn't be a parent to our little angel at this time or for the forseeable future so she made the best choice for her and the baby.

The only thing I know for sure is that our lives are better for knowing our DD's bmom and having our beautiful little addition join our family. We have been so blessed.

[gottahavehope]

I don't think it is wrong for you to feel this about your own son because you know the circumstances and issues regarding his life with you and what his life would have been.

I can say that hands down, my son is better off with me. His biological mother is a trainwreck, and is doing a poor job of raising her new daughter. It makes me very thankful that my son did not end up like that. I do believe he was meant to be with me.

But, I do not think that we can generalize this to mean that ALL adoptees are better off with adopted parents. It's just not always the case.

You should not feel guilty. Your son is with you for a reason. You son is happy. You love him. You are happy. Try and celebrate that instead of worrying about the "adoption issues."

Hugs

[lonni]

We APs can "think" all we want, but only the adoptee can ultimately decide and I don't personally, (meaning PERSONALLY!!!!)

know very many adoptees who think in those terms of "better off" unless it is an obvious situation. (such as abuse ect..)So~I do see and hear SOME~not ALL of
those abused adoptees speaking in terms of better off. jmo

[manni28]

As an adoptee I can say with 250% confidence that I was better off being adopted. My bparents were young teenagers who were in high school. I know that my life wouldn’t be as blessed as it is today.

As an adoptive parent, I can also say my son is better off being raised by me and my hubby. I don't feel guilty for saying what is the truth.

-Manni28

[jren]

I do think my DD's birthmom would have been a great mom. DD would have had every thing she could have wanted financially and plenty of love and stability - being raised with the help of her biological grandparents since DD's bmom was so young. Also, she would have had a very capable, successful and YOUNG mom by the time she was 6. However, DD's bmom's life would have been forever changed and very different - and only she can decide if that means better or worse for her.

I worried about DD's birthmom constantly for the first 2 years of DD's life - is she adjusting, secluding herself from classmates/friends, etc. I had a lot of guilt. But in the end, it was not my decision to place DD with us. We didn't "steal" her from anyone. If she had not been placed with us, she would've been placed with another amom. She was placed with us because her bmom made a decision, luckily with no pressure from her family (they were supportive of whatever decision she made.) We are just glad to be able to share a part of DD's life as her aparents.

[Oceans]

I worried about DD's birthmom constantly for the first 2 years of DD's life - is she adjusting, secluding herself from classmates/friends, etc.

OT but this struck a cord with me. I was in HS too and returned after placing my son. It was all a big secret so no one knew I placed. When I returned after winter break, I did the same thing. I'm sure my parents worried. I isolated mostly because I felt so much more grown up... Suddenly all the HS stuff seems so juvenile to me and I had no patience (or desire) for any of it. Anyway, your comment reminded me of that – Thank heavens it passes… Or at least it did for me and hopefully for your DD bmom as well…

[elledarcy]

Like many here, I don't like the term "better off." To me it implies that my DD is a charity case that needed to be scooped out of the gutter where she was busily singing "It's a Hard-Knock Life." I guess I don’t want her to ever feel like we "did her a favor" or she "owes us" anything for adopting her.

However, I do think my DH and I were emotionally ready to raise children, whereas her teenage birthmother was not. Placing DD with us has allowed her to pursue a career in the military. This is something she could not have done as the primary parent and provider. B-mom also lived with family members that loved her but who could not, for financial and other reasons, help her raise her DD. Does that mean she’s better off? When I think about the situation I guess I feel we were more “prepared” to parent (not than a unprepared parent can’t turn into a good one).

If a b-parent believes a child is “better off” with the a-parents, then that is fine with me. If a b-parent doesn’t believe that, I think it is also fine. When family or friends say DD has a “better life” with us I usually correct them by saying she has a “different life” mainly because I don’t want her to be viewed as a poor, unfortunate child who we took in, and I certainly don’t want us to be seen as selfless, saintlike souls who welcomed her into our glossy, sugar-coated life.

As far as “meant to be.” I feel this way every time I look at my child even though, in my mind, it makes no sense given the loss and pain that is part of adoption.

[jren]

Originally Posted by Oceans

OT but this struck a cord with me. I was in HS too and returned after placing my son. It was all a big secret so no one knew I placed. When I returned after winter break, I did the same thing. I'm sure my parents worried. I isolated mostly because I felt so much more grown up... Suddenly all the HS stuff seems so juvenile to me and I had no patience (or desire) for any of it. Anyway, your comment reminded me of that – Thank heavens it passes… Or at least it did for me and hopefully for your DD bmom as well…

Glad to hear that it passed with you. DD's bmom's pg was also a BIG secret, not even a best friend knows. (She was able to hide behind school uniform, and is super tiny.) We have to sneak around even now with visits - just her parents and sister know. Anyway, back to the post... I think I stopped worrying as much when she graduated and started college. And now that she's dating again, I feel like she's living her life again.

She works part-time at a preschool with kids DD's age, and is majoring in early ed. I have wondered if the major and job choice would be the same had DD not happened, so I guess I am still worrying about her...

[Stormster]

Elle, interesting post. I share those sentiments but never could have stated them so eloquently!

[mom2justynsarah]

Do I think my daughter is better off being raised by us, rather than being raised by the state of California's foster care system? YOU BETCHA!! Do I think she is better off with us rather than being homeless, hungry, scared, dirty, living near crack houses...the list goes on...YOU BETCHA!! My daughter's two older brothers couldn't stop thanking us for adopting their sister. They were relieved and grateful that she would have a chance to live a normal, wonderful life. They didn't want to see their baby sister (my daughter also has an older sister) scared, skinny, dirty, etc. I think that's pretty telling from (at the time) a 12 year old and a 15 year old.

[BrockBaby]

It is so true that each situation is unique and we all can agree that blanket statements are never acurate, cause there is always someone/something that makes them not acurate! lol

But as an adoptee, I have to say, that there would have been a time when I would not have agreed that my life was "better off" but "different" then it would have been....but being in reunion I can say both..my life is different AND I am BETTER OFF being adopted. But that is MY personal experience, based on MY personal VALUES....and it has NOTHING to do with the level of love my bmom had/has for me, but the situations I would have been exposed to had she kept me. So I guess saying someone is better off is subject to what the value system is....and sometimes the value system is easier to gage then others!

I want to say though, that had I had some of the bmoms that I have met here as my personal bmom, I would not be able to say that my life was "better off" just "different". And something different doesn't make either side "bad" or "better" just what it is..different then what was!

[mom2justynsarah]

Yes, I agree with you. There is no doubt in my mind that my daughter's life would have been filled with love and adoration if she was raised with her birthfamily. It was BECAUSE of their love for her that they chose adoption. They desperately wanted to give her a life in which they could not provide.


But that is MY personal experience, based on MY personal VALUES....and it has NOTHING to do with the level of love my bmom had/has for me, but the situations I would have been exposed to had she kept me.

[BrockBaby]

Yes....you see that over and over! The emphasis on the MY's was to make certain that it was seen as being MY feelings about My adoption....of course other's can feel like i do too!!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by loveajax

One thing that has been "bothering" me lately is that I totally have learned so much from this whole site, etc. and yet sometimes I think it "skews" my own feelings about the adoption of DD.

We have a fairly open adoption relationship with DD's birth parents (we recently had a visit). DD's birth mom has said to me several times that she knows she would not have been a good parent to DD at the time she was placed, and, though things are better now, she knows she made the right decision. I also know how hard the whole experience has been on her (and DD's bdad too, though he, like many men (!), does not really express his feelings).

Many times I say (and believe) that no one knows how anything "would have been." Yet lately I feel strongly (esp. after seeing how DD's parents are with their daughters) that DD is thriving in a way that would not be possible if she was raised by them. Is it "OK" to embrace that? I sometimes think that if I say things like this, I am being unPC. But I truly believe that is the truth.

Is it "OK" to believe that you are "meant' to be the parents of your child?

I have a lot of "guilt" in my life, but one thing I strive for is for DD never to feel anything but my unconditional love....I "worry" sometimes that I fret too much about "adoption issues." And frankly, I don't see any with her (yet) and I worry if I am focusing too much on the whole "adoption" thing.

I am not sure why I am posting this, but I don't have a blog....!!

Btw, I am not saying that every kid that is placed has a "better life" or anything of that sort. But I'm just wondering if it is OK to feel that they do (if they do).

I've thought about responding to this thread several time but haven't yet mostly because I struggle with the term "better off". I think it is, on these forums, politically incorrect to use it, if in fact, it may in specific situations be true. For many situations, better off has little meaning because of the "might have beens". And in the end, I can only speak specifically to the situations I am in. And I just want to say to you, Ajax, that I think it's okay to feel the way you do about your situation, if that is the truth. Just like for some placing parents, the idea of "different" rather than "better" is their reality.

And I can only speak from my situation, specifically with DD, whose other Mom sat across from me at a restaurant this week and said specifically that she has never wavered about her decision to place DD with us. It gives her great solace when she gets updates knowing that her/our DD is not going through the life experiences DD's other MOm and her other children have endured in the last four years. Those are her words. Does she say she thinks she's "better off"? No. But that is what she means.

I think your words "she is thriving in a way that wouldn't be possible with them" is true in our situation as well. It's not about better. It`s about what this specific child needed at the time her other Mom was deciding how she would be parented. I wish with my whole being that I could say my DD would have just been in a `different` situation had she stayed in her other family. That would mean that her other Mom and sisters would have had it easier too. But that isn`t the reality. And I have, through counselling, been able to release any guilt about that and focus on the fact that my DD is here and not only thriving but excelling and it`s my job to be the best Mom to her I can be, because that`s what her Other Mom asked of me.

As for `meant to be` well, I know there`s lots of people that believe that. I believe that a child is `meant to be` with the parent that gave birth to them but sometimes in the circumstances of that moment (or the choices of a lifetime if that is the case) it isn`t the healthiest place for the child. And I say that ONLY ABOUT MY SITUATIONS, which are atypical (or so it seems) to many open adoption situations spoken of on this forum.