[kelceesmom]

Love,
I think we are normal if we ask ourselves these things too. After all we are human. But, it also depends on how we deal with these issues.

You are a wonderful mom and I do hope you realize that.

[loveajax]

Denise, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough!! hahah. Now I am Stuart Smalley AND Jack Handy....!!!

Thank you all for your support....it means a lot to me. I have been struggling with some things lately.

[crick]

I too think it's on an individual basis but cannot be applied to every child. I KNOW my kids are thriving with us and their birthparents were not going to do the right things for them. That's a fact. Doesn't mean it applies to everyone else though, and it doesn't mean "better off" means perfection, no loss, no grief, or "all is fine now that they have food, shelter and a wii."

Even I have some guilt at times eventhough I KNOW without a doubt that my kids are "better off". I can't play that game though because at the end of the day, it's about being the best parent I can be and the things I had no control over (prior life/history) are never going to be in my control or even "righted".

[nikkianni]

*Sigh* Crick always says what I'd like to say and says it WAY better.
But I'm OK with that, really.

[Oceans]

LA – What a great post!

One thing that has been "bothering" me lately is that I totally have learned so much from this whole site, etc. and yet sometimes I think it "skews" my own feelings about the adoption of DD.

Sometimes I have to remind myself what I read here is a collection of individual experiences. It’s not one person. I have a tendency to roll it all up into one big ball when it really is a collection of several smaller things and sometimes they are said in a very emotional moment. It does get overwhelming at times for me or I think I “should” be feeling that way but the truth is I don’t. I’m probably not explaining that well but I have to remind myself at times to separate it out.

As far as better off…

It is subjective because what we see today as “better off” for the child may not be true in the long run. Our childhood experiences shape the adults we become.

Jessie Jackson was born to a 16 yo girl who had had an affair with a married man. I am willing to bet most people would have said he would have been “better off” had he been placed for adoption in a two parent, financially stable home. Had that happened tho, would he have become the Civil Rights leader he is today?

I think of children who come from third world countries who have no medical care, running water, or education. They seem “better off” being adopted but who’s to say? Had they been raised in that environment they may have become the next “Mother Theresa”.

DD's bparents made the best decision they could and that all it was. It's impossible to measure what could have been. For all we know DD will become the next "Mother Theresa" because of the experiences she has with you. KWIM?

That said, I can say with 100% certainty that you and your DH are better off because you adopted DD and DD’s bparents are better off for knowing and having you in their life. There is no shame in that at all… Nor should there ever be any guilt.

Again - Great post!

**ETA: BTW: Jessie was eventually adopted by his step father who raised him. His bdad never played a part of his life so that shaped his experience as well...

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by opalwench

I think that has the possiblity to be inaccurate as well. I think you missed some of what TG was saying (TG correct me if I've got it screwed up.) Yet again, you're getting into "whys" which, as was said, is dangerous territory.

Speaking from my case, we would and could have been good parents. Placement is much more complex than it appears.

Right on Opal

I definitely COULD have been a good parent. I definitely WOULD have been a good parent. I can't explain they "why's" right now....like Opal said, it's complex. (And I don't want to derail this thread too much )

[tanmansmom]

I hope every mother feels like their child is better off with them than with anyone else in the world. Whether it be bio, adopted, foster or step, I would hope that we all feel like we love our kids more than anyone else in the world could, care for them better than anyone else in the world could and would gladly give up everything to keep them happy, healthy and safe. My step son has a bio mom, who in my opinion is unworthy of the title, but ask her and she thinks she's the greatest mother EVER. I think it would be weird to feel any other way.

[Cjmeck]

I've been thinking about how to respond to this... and I don't want to offend anyone. But, isn't this the reason birthmothers make an adoption plan? They believe, at that point in their lives, the child would be "better off"? I guess that was true in my daughter's birthmother's mind... But I personally have a hard time justifying my daughter being placed for financial reasons. I grew up in poverty; section 8 housing, food stamps, welfare, ect... Myself and my 3 siblings had a wonderful, loving childhood. And all but one of us have managed to break the poverty cycle. So, while I do not personally believe that my daughter is better off with me b/c her birthmother wasn't as financially secure as us... her birthmother did believe that.
So to answer your question; no, I do not think it is un-PC to believe our children are "better off". In some cases (such as drug use, abuse, racial issues...) it is absolutely the truth.

[MamaS]

I am too old to care if I am "politically correct". I feel, and my daughters say, that their lives are "better". If I did not think that, then I would feel that adopting them was wrong and I don't feel that it was.
First, if I had not adopted my oldest daughter, there is a good chance she would have been dead by the age of six. The orphanage she was in had a 1 in 4 mortality rate, and she had health issues (asthma, allergies, pneumonia) that were untreated there.
Second, they would have had no education, but been turned out on the streets at the age of 16 -- to become thieves, beggars, prostitutes, or (if they were lucky) maids in a household. There they would be at risk for sexual explotation and still would have no chances for financial independence. If they had babies they would have the choice of being homeless or putting the baby back in the orphanage - thus renewing the cycle of poverty.
By adopting them, they grew up healthy, they got an education, they have jobs, financial independence, homes of their own, and the ability to care for their children. And, oh yes, did I mention the love of a family? If this makes me politically incorrect, that's fine with me!

[paigeturner]

LA,

I'm also guilty of "sliding doors" thinking. I could and would have been a good parent. At the time I was led to believe that wasn't the case. Imagining different scenarios really doesn't work, because had I kept him, I wouldn't be the same woman I am today. I might not be married to the same man...which means I wouldn't have my daughters, etc. etc. etc.

I hope my son feels like he had the best parents ever. I hope his parents feel like they are the best parents ever. That's what I entrusted them with after all!

[belleinblue1978]

Loveajax, I don't think you are un pc at all. At the time my son was better off with someone else. The only thing I wish is that someone would have pointed out to me that my situation was temporary and adoption isn't. (Yeah I know I knew adoption wasn't temporary, but I was having a hard time seeing that my situation wasn't permanent.)

The thing I have the hardest time with in thoughts like that is that no child would be ok with me. I would make a darn good mom, especially now. Sadly, there are people that believe b/c you made the choice I did once, you are doomed for life.

[KarynB]

Great thread LA!

I've thought alot about this too. Both my boys were adopted internationally. My middle son is as tough as nails - I think he would survive almost anything and come out the other side. My little guy is sensitive, and sweet - when I think of him growing up in an orphanage where everything is "fight for it or do without" (we spent 6 months working at the one our middle son came from) or in extreme poverty my heart just aches.

But, they have lost so much too. Is it "better" that they are here in Canada? I don't know. When we began the adoption process for DS #1 when he was three I would have said without a doubt he is better-off. He will have a family, education, love etc. Now, I am not as sure about it. He still mourns the orphanage and the friends he lost, mourns losing his language and his culture. Sometimes, I wonder, if he had the choice if he would choose to go back. Wow, I think I might cry just writing this!

DS#2 was only 4 months when we picked him up. He didn't lose as much as DS#1 - we are what he will always know.

Anyways, not sure if this even makes sense. Oceans - I like what you said about kids in extreme poverty growing up to be Mother Teresa or Ghandi - or Nelson Mandela. Would these people be who they were if they hadn't had the circumstances shape their lives? But, then again, would anyone choose that life for their kids?

CJMeck - I also have to agree with you. In some way - wouldn't most adoption plans be made under the idea that the children will be "better off" being raised by someone else - otherwise, why would they be made at all? That may be very naive - and feel free anyone to correct me if I am way off here!

Again, thanks Ajax for the great thread!

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

I've been thinking about how to respond to this... and I don't want to offend anyone. But, isn't this the reason birthmothers make an adoption plan? They believe, at that point in their lives, the child would be "better off"?

Not talking about my particular story, but I think I think that there's a difference between the perception that your children will be better off and the reality of if your child will ACTUALLY be better off.

Some women place because their families, agencies, society, etc. convince them that their children will be better off, when in reality that may not be the case. As Belle mentioned some situations expectant Moms may be in truly are temporary. A student for instance that is a semester away from a college degree may feel like she has no options when coached that way by those around her. She perceived that her child would be "better off." The reality is that perhaps she could complete her degree and get a job even with parenting the child. And that the child would not end up with a better life after all - but the end result isn't what dictates placement (of course, as we can't see the end result). It's the perception.

So for me, it's one thing if an expectant Mother says, "I think my child will be better off" than to be later told, "You're child is better off."

I'm afraid that didn't make any sense...if anyone knows what I'm saying feel free to help me out, and if I'm just talking crazy you can ignore it too

[belleinblue1978]

Makes complete sense TGM. Let's face it, women working with agencies are dealing with people that have agendas. They don't make their money on emom's, they make their money on adoptions. Family and friends also sometimes have a hard time looking past the immediate situation. It really is all about perception.

[paigeturner]

TGM,

That's my thought exactly! Not once did anyone ever mention any other option than adoption to me. Not once did it occur to me that my circumstances were temporary. I made an adoption plan, becuase that the only choice I thought I had at the time. We can start a new thread on how I'm a reformed wimp.

And, having said that, my son better have fabulous parents. They better love him unconditionaly. He has to have had a great upbringing. The alternative will devestate me.