[adoptingourfirst]

Three weeks ago we received a call from our agency saying that they had a mother in labor who wanted to give her baby up for adoption. They were calling to see if they could show her our profile because she had admitted to using drugs (marijuana only) and we had chosen to not be shown to moms who had used. We decided to go ahead and be shown to her and she chose us to adopt her son. However, the birth father was unaware that she was pregnant. He happens to also be the father of her second child and has that child in his care (however he does not have custody of that child - it's a long story...). So the agency said that before anything else they had to get his TPR.

We decided that until they had received his reliquishment that we didn't want to develop a bond with this child just in case. So the agency took custody of the baby and contacted the father. Well, he was slightly ticked off to find out that she didn't want him to raise this child and has refused to sign the papers.

Well, it has been 10 days since we had heard anything from the agency so we had assumed that the child had been given to the father. Nope. Today, I get a call from the agency letting us know that they turned the baby over to the local Children's Home and were trying to terminate his parental rights. He has hired an attorney to contest this, so this could get dragged out for quite some time. The agency feels that it is not in the best interests of the child to be given to him and should the courts decide against the agency/mom then the mother will regain custody and have to fight it out with him on her own.

So, here's this poor little guy, who is now a little over 3 weeks old. He has not been able to bond with anyone. The mother is struggling, because she really was trying to do what was best for this child. She has 3 children already that are all from different fathers and all have fairly unfortunate situations to live in.

The agency is wanting to know from us, if we are willing to go down this road or if we want to pass? We could bring the baby home with us as soon as next week, but there is a chance that the courts could determine that the father is not unfit and we would have to give him back. We just don't know if our hearts could handle that.

Have any of you been through anything like this? Do we take a chance and give this child the love and attention that he deserves and pray that it will all work out, or should we walk away and take the chance of giving up on what could be our son? We are so torn.

[aclee]

I can only tell you what I would do. I would go for it. To me, I would have to believe this baby had been brought to us for a reason and even if our part in his life was stability for a short amount of time, in this tumultuous part of his life, I would try to do that. Dealing with a broken heart wouldn't be easy, but I think regret for what could have been could always haunt you. I'm guessing you know this case better than we do, but do you have a good understand about why the bfather would be declared unfit? If he is stable enough to raise the other child why wouldn't he be for this one as well? Also, the fact that he had no idea for the last 9 months that she was pregnant tells me he apparently wasn't supporting her. Finally...has a DNA test been done?

This must be such a hard choice for you. Best of Luck.

[crystalp]

Wow. That's a tough one. You are right. If the child's father is fighting this, it could be a while before the baby has any permenancy (sp?). That is very sad for him if he has to stay in a children's home for all that time. He really deserves some love from someone who can love him back. If you feel like you can do this, and know that you will hurt deeply if he has to go away after a while, then I say go for it. If you can't then I would say that he either needs to go back to mom or into foster care so that someone can be there for him. That's just my .02, I wish I could help more. Good luck.

[kelceesmom]

You have a lot to weigh in this situation. I can not say for sure what I would do. On one hand we had a failed placement after 1 week and it broke our hearts. Yet we took from that experience that we were on the right path. If they had been with us for months I don't know how much more my heart would have been broken.

Adoption is based much on faith too. Take leap to maybe have a forever family.

I don't envy the decision you have to make. I wish much luck and will send lots of prayers your way.

[minibus]

I don't really have any good advice, but I wanted to let you know that I feel for you in what a difficult decision this must be.

[Linny]

We had something similar a few years ago.
The birthmother had lied to the birthfather, and before the baby was placed with the adoptive parents (us).......he hired an attorney to contest any adoption efforts. He mentioned (rather, I think his attorney mentioned) that HE didn't want the baby....but his own mother did (don't even get me started on that one).

But, this baby had already been born when we were contacted, and had spent some time in NICU (as I remember). Anyway...he was several weeks old, and was staying with an absolutely wonderful foster family (cradle care).
Literally...while I held the baby....the agency called to give the 'news' that this was going to be contested. Knowing this, saved us the initial 5k we were getting ready to take to the agency (as we'd decided to accept him).
IMO, I wouldn't go for this. I know it may be hard to do....but for us, having to give back a baby (which was done after several weeks of contesting)....combined with losing the expense of the entire thing.....would have been more tramatic and sad than walking away from this wee one---right then.

That may not be the opinion you want to hear......but having BTDT...and wanting a baby SO badly.......we've never regretted it. It was several months before we got our baby.....but she came.

I just know for us, guarding our hearts (and pocketbooks) was the best choice for our family.

I wish you well.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Wisdom]

What is your gut feeling? Maybe your gut will say "yes, I believe we're to go for it" or perhaps your gut will say "I don't think this is the right situation for us." Even if you say no to this situation, you may still feel bad saying no, but it doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. I say examine your deepest feelings about it and then make a decision. Every situation that comes to you is not necessarily for you.

My dh and I turned down a situation only about a week before we were to fly out and bring the baby home. We felt horrible but knew we'd made the right decision. We continued to question whether or not we made the right decision (yet inside knew we had) after a couple of weeks went by with no new matches. We turned that situation down in December and were matched towards the end of January and brought our son home in February. Even with that TPRs are still not complete with the b-father but we know we have the baby we were meant to have.

[Fran27]

Honestly, I would not go for it. I couldn't handle it. I would just hope it's decided quickly so the baby can have the home he deserves!

[Adopted-B-4]

Our agency told us, in a situation like this, the father has to prove his fitness on his own. For instance, if he was living with his parents but still had a job, maybe a not so good job but still a job, they would weigh his ability to care for the child based only on his income and fitness. If he had a criminal record, it would be much less likely for him to get the child too. Also, if he doesn't have custody of the other child, then this would be brought up. He can't go to court to fight for custody for someone else (like in a case where his parents or aunt is raising the other child and wants this one too). He has to prove he is a good father and would be able to emotionally and financially care for this infant on his own. Our agency told us, in our state, it's rare for them to prove themselves in court. So, my answer is, I would take him and love him and fight the fight, but that's me.

[Happy123]

Our dear friends went thru a very similar situation...$25,000 (ATTY) fees they finally terminated his rights. He contested and the agency told them it would be a open/shut case and would only cost $5000. Well, they lost the first round and had to go to appeal court. They did win there..but a very emotional rollercoaster. The agency did not assist w/ the legal battle either. The $25000 does not even include the agency adoption fees. But, trust your gut and go with it.
Happy123

[luvmylittlegirls]

When I hear of situations like this I always think of what Dawn Scott went through with Evan (remember that situation in FL?) Evan was FOUR YEARS OLD when the Scotts lost custody. I cannot imagine the heartache that caused him (Evan) and the only parents he'd ever known. To this day, I wonder how they're all holding up. Just absolutely tragic all the way around. Anywa, all that to say, I'd pass on this one.

[wishing4more]

My advice is to read through the "constested adoption" section of this forum. Having been through 2 1/2 years of a legal contest myself, I ask you to please make yourself aware of the potential financial and emotional costs involved.

Just be aware that legal actions can be financially devestating and that birthfathers do win, despite whether an agency or a birthmom believe that he shouldn't or couldn't.

[devildogwife]

We had a 40 day wait for birth parent and tribal rights to my son terminated which was difficult and long. However, in your case, knowing that he will contest this, I personally couldn't do it. Too difficult for me. Good luck with whatever you decide. I do agree to go with your gut feeling!

[Stormster]

I would pass. I have to say I've been through a lot in my life but nothing was worse than our failed placement after having the baby only a week. The worst part was it affected my ability to bond with DS who was born 5 months later.

The agency may have custody of the baby now, but if the father didn't know about the pregnancy and is mentally competent I am not sure on what grounds he would have his rights terminated?

BTW our failed placement was for the exact same reason. They couldn't prove any sort of abandonment because he didn't know about the pregnancy. He was not what anyone would call a good citizen but he did block the adoption.

Good luck in whatever you choose. I just thought maybe you should hear the other side.

[mdesi]

I'd pass on it, myself. My biggest reason would be that if the mother had wanted to raise the baby, I would quietly back away. I think barring abuse or neglect, the father should have the same rights. I would not want to get into a power struggle between the biological parents and/or the agency either. It's not fair to the child in the long run.