[smash_effect]

So we go the word that we were matched with a emom a week ago last Monday. It's a emom/dad that we'd been talking to since March so it's an identified match. We were THRILLED to hear that we were chosen and cautiously optimistic that everything would go smooth. We told ALL our family and friends and started buying baby stuff, etc. We've been waiting years to have a baby so why hide our good news, right?? Well the emom has been texting me the last couple of days saying that her and the edad are re-kindling their relationship and thinking about parenting but aren't sure if they could handle it. I called our agency and they want to still finish up our home study "in case" they choose to put their baby up for adoption instead of parenting. Wow!! How the picture has changed!! So now we are devastated and all the assurance the agency gives that they could still do an adoption plan doesn't help how sad we feel. Should we call all our family and friends and tell them it's most likely a "no-go" or hold out and see what happens in these next 3 months?? Why'd I open my big fat mouth?? I'm such an idiot...

[veggiegirl]

You did it because you are excited! I think anyone who's been matched has done it. We regret it if it falls through, but you just followed your instincts. No one can blame your for being excited - so don't blame yourself! I hope all goes well for you!!!

[oceanica]

Hey don't feel bad... It's humiliating I know but there's nothing u can do... it's out of your hands.

[mama_again]

In all the excitement I think you did exactly what a mama would naturally do, tell others, shop, prepare and plan. I pray it works out for you as you get the dreams and desires of your heart. My prayers are with you during this time...

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I wouldn't tell any one yet. You never know. We were matched with an emom and told everyone right away. She was only 16 weeks. The rest of the pregnancy was an emotionally roller coaster I never want to ride again. She was going back and forth, in the end, she chose to parent. But we did not tell any one until we were sure she was keeping him. You did what most of us do - you are not an idiot. Good luck!

[pats]

We had a similar situation. We were picked when the baby was 2 weeks old and told both bp were on board. It took two weeks to get the social worker to serve bd and he balked at signing. She didn't want to push him into it so she said that she told him to think about it for a week and they would meet again.

We were crushed. We went back to some of the people that knew that we had been chosen and told them that it wasn't going well and that we didn't want to talk about it. They were respective so that helped. I was so mad at myself for trusting the social worker that all was well. Nothing is final until they sign and I knew that and I got my hopes up and even worse we told our three year old!

Fortuantly all went well in the end but I didn't need people asking me about it while we waited so I am glad that once I just said that it wasn't going well that most people backed off.

Being chosen is like being first trimester pregnant. You want to tell the world but it is really too early.

It is going to be a long wait so hang in there. The heartbreak you feel now will completely vanish once this or another baby is placed in your arms.

[nikkianni]

You are NOT an idiot. You're an excited mom to be.
We've all been there.
If you would feel better telling everyone that things are a little unstable now, then tell them. If you don't want to, then don't.
The bottom line is, this is your story to share with whom you want, when you want.
And regardless of what happens down the road, don't feel stupid for sharing it. Everyone has the right to be excited, and everyone needs that feeling.

[Gwen72]

You're NOT an idiot. You were just super excited which is totally understandable! I shouted from the rooftops when we were homestudy approved. I can't imagine trying to keep a lid on it when we get matched. There is still a chance this could work out for you and I will keep my fingers crossed and you all in my prayers.

[smash_effect]

Thanks, everyone. Your words have really helped. We are humbled and more guarded now but hopefully we can keep ourselves together while these next 3 months play out. I don't want to ever forget that they are struggling too.

[Stormster]

Nothing has changed...you are still adopting a child, maybe not this child. I also respect what you said about not forgetting that they are struggling too. I never got too specific about EM's we were speaking to. Things ended up changing for us monthly but, like me, you will be a mommy.

I disagree that this is in the least bit humiliating. If anything, it is a great thing if this baby will be able to stay with his parents. The baby you eventually adopt will be one who needs you more. It will be the baby you are meant to have. Who cares what others think when you think about what is at stake for the children kwim?

[mrskt]

Just wanted you to know you are not alone - DH and I have been there the last couple of weeks. Our emom backed out after a month of being matched, and EVERYONE knew about it... you'd have thought we'd have learned after our two miscarriages, but nope, we still told everyone, and then had to go back and untell everyone. It sucked just as much as the miscarriages. Honestly though, two weeks past it, it's not nearly as bad, and I'm still glad that everyone knows, because it's all still part of our story, KWIM?

Katy

[sbaglio]

We told only close family and our friends prior to DD's birth, for precisely this reason. I think it's important to realize that until TPR is signed, the child is not yours. It's so difficult trying to come up with a balance between exaltation at being matched, and apprehension about the real possibility that things could fall through. We only told people once the post-delivery waiting period had expired, and TPR was signed. Even that was bittersweet, because we are so close to DD's mother.

[waiting4amiracle]

Ashley - DW and I know exactly where you're coming from and what you're feeling. We were chosen by an emom in early February 07 and after a few weeks and a visit to meet emom and edad we started telling fmaily, friends and co-workers...against the advice of our lawyer. In late April '07 b-mom/b-dad placed their baby boy with us and 4 days later changed their minds. Devastated...crushed...depressed and dejected....we rmade a few calls and asked people to spread the word. Within 10 days our lawyer told us we had been chosen by another b-mom who had already delivered and could not parent. We told our immediate bosses and only close family until we knew ICPC cleared and we were home. Here we are a year later loving life and celebrating finalization.

Don't beat yourself up over how you reacted to your excitement and inno way should you feel humiliated. The only thing I would say is we changed the way we handled it the second time around because we just couldn't handle the possibility of having to go through the "oooops, it fell through" conversation again with anyone other than those who are closest to us. Even my assistant at work did not know - for all she knew I was out sick for a week with a bad case of the flu!

[Tigger2]

Smash~ You are not an idiot! You reacted just like most of us have. Eventhough we told EVERYONE, we did let them know that until the TPR was signed it was not a done deal. My thoughts and prayers are with you.