[momof2adopted]

Here is our situation:
Bmom 14 having hard time letting go. Calls once a week, has seen DS 4 times in 4 months. Agency wants us to sign a covenant stating bi-weekly calls, letter and pic once a month and update website. We want one call update web and e-mail. Agency says this is not "in the spirit of open adoption" minimal contact. Could use some advise, DH and I are tired of jumping thru hoops. I needed to vent!

[loveajax]

How old is your child? Has the birth mom's rights been terminated? Did you sign an OA agreement? The agency should have spelled things out for you....

I personally would not agree to any arrangement I was uncomfortable with and it sounds like you are uncomfortable with the suggestion of the agency. I think sometimes agencies try not to deal with the difficult task of trying to mediate a compromise and instead try to "ram" something down the throat of one or the other.

I am sorry you are having a difficult time.

[momof2adopted]

Ds is 4 months old, Bmom and Bdad rights both terminated. We havn't signed yet, want to do after final post placement with Bmom and her family present. The agency seems more worried about the Bmom than us. Thanks for the reply, Loveajax.

[fisbaby]

I completely agree with your wishes on the contact level. I think that what they are asking you to sign is a LOT of contact, most of your time is going to be spent doing updates and phone calls instead of spending time with your family and that's not fair to you either. Hang in there!

[Wisdom]

It sounds like a tough situation. Regarding the covenant the agency wants you to sign, I don't see why you would have to do so unless that was agreed upon initially.

[loveajax]

I hate to say it but they probably "promised" birth mom something (without telling you about it). DH and I had the WORST experience with our agency in terms of our OA (I won't bore you with the story, but they screwed up....majorly).

I think you should stick to your guns if that is what you are comfortable with. I think monthly updates are quite a bit (I wouldn't call that "minimal" contact). What is the agency suggesting for visits? Are you comfortable with that?

I know it's hard because until finalization, the agency holds a lot of the "cards" and it's scary to think that they could "screw" with you. But I think you can very nicely explain what you are comfortable agreeing to...and frankly, I always hear people say (and agree) that you should agree with the minimum you are comfortable with...there is always room to grow, etc.

Ack!

[jjjjmom]

I don't know what state you live in. I am in CA, The attorney tried to have me sign an agreement saying that I would let her see him certain amount of times a month and so on. I almost did it because I though they wouldn't let me adopt if I didn't. Somebody here told me that I didn't have to once parental rights have been terminated. Long story short, I told them it would be a verbal agreement between mom and I. The judge said it was totally up to me, I am the mother now. So we visit with her once a month for one hour and I plan on doing it only 2 or 3 times a month, I'm just giving b-mom a little time to adjust. She is also a teenager

[BrandyHagz]

Bmom 14 having hard time letting go.

Gosh, she's not ever going to 'let go' - but the agency can do a lot to help her deal with her grief and emotions...have you asked them what they are doing to help her deal with her emotions?

Also - it sounds to me like the difference in your agreements is simply 1 phone call per month, is that correct?

You stated, she wants biweekly calls, one photo a month and a website updated.

You offered 1 call a month, website and emails?

I think you need to approach this as the 'jumping off point' with the understanding that it's possible, as time passes and your relationship grows, that it may be different. It is not uncommon (and I am a little shocked that your agency is pushing) for families to agree to the very least they are willing to do - but to do more, as they wish...rather than as required.

Could you offer a couple of pictures per month? A website (maybe a place where you can blog and upload pictures, which are available for purchase if she wishes). Biweekly emails (they don't need to be novels) and a phone call per month?

Consider how 'set' you are in your desires and understand she is equally set. You guys need to be able to meet in the middle - it's such a shame that this wasn't done before placement, so that everyone could ensure they were correctly matched and getting what they wanted out of the OA...you clearly have different expectations - the hardest part now will be coming up with something in which you all feel works for you.

If you don't feel that your agency is advocating for both of you equally (as they should be) - maybe a 3rd party intermediary is the answer?

[Fran27]

This kind of thing should be decided before the placement. I'm dumbfounded that there are still agencies that don't do that. Wasn't it discussed at all?

I hope you manage to find a compromise. I would never have agreed to that much contact... it would feel like a job.

[Suziebearhugs]

Only agree to the minumum you feel comfortable with. You can always do more but when times get rough/busy/hard you will have to follow through with at least the minimum of what you agreed to.

[Oceans]

I understand that this is difficult but I think it's important to understand what was promised to DS's bmom before making any decisions here... May I ask, was this a FC situation or did she make an adoption plan?

I too am VERY surprised this wasn't put in writing prior to placement.

[ourdreamcametru]

Never sign for more than you think you can give, it's always possible to do more later! We originally agreeded to letters, pictures and updates on a website atleast once a month for one year and then yearly after that. Now, 4 years later we talk on the phone once every few months and see each other three/four times a year. Pictures and update letters are few and far between now but we do post updates on our website for bfamily to check when they please. We are all happy with our situation and are so happy that we didn't promise something that we were uncomfortable with but allowed our relationship to grow naturally.

[momof2adopted]

This is only one of the many hurdles in this adoption. The Bmom made an adoption plan. Met 12/08/07 DS born 1/08/08. Discussed calls and pictures,but not in great length. We were on our way to hospital after DS born(no one called to tell us DS born) 2 miles from hospital when SW called to tell us not to go. Bmom and Stepmom having change of heart. We should of known then that things were going to be tough. Bmom did place and let us see DS 2 days after birth. We just hung out in limbo for 2 days. I could keep going but then I would be writing a novel.

[Cjmeck]

I'm also shocked that this wasn't done prior to placement... What did you agree to at the time of match?? Whatever you agreed to then, I think you should uphold. For me personally, I wouldn't have agreed to that much communication; so I wouldn't have expected to have been matched with that birthmother. I'm sure at 14 your child's bmom is having a hard time. But, I don't think you should be her coping tool either. I hope the agency has her in some counseling at the very least. I imagine that you'll find a middle ground; you just have to come up with some creative solutions.

[BrandyHagz]

I would encourage you to try to move past what is very normal (and her right) regarding the decision to place. It kind of sounds like based on her wavering, you've got this 'predetermined' idea of how things are going to/will go.

At some point, you've got to come to terms with the idea that she did exactly what everyone here on these forums and many adoption professionals encourage woman making an adoption plan to do, and that is to make and remake the decision to place AFTER the baby is born.

I think it shows that she gave it a lot of thought and while you may feel cheated out of something because she wavered...in the end, she did chose to place and she placed with you. Instead of seeing the bad regarding the 'waiting' you had to do for two days....maybe refocus your view to how great it is that she put a lot of thought into her decision?

Consider also - your child is four months old and you're just getting around to crafting an OA agreement - imagine what it must be like for her to have to 'wait' four months.

I encourage you to try to start fresh...if you can.