[WaitingforaBoy]

I am in shock! Yesterday as we were dropping off my father-in-law at the airport for his return home he was saying goodbye to his newest granddaughter (adopted). I already have issues with the fact that he waited until she was 4 months before he came to see her! I'm sure it would have been different if I would have given birth to her! (ahhh, but that's another story). So in his goodbyes he kissed her and said, "Next time we see you L, you'll be a "real" C(lastname)!" OH MY WORD! I was just floored. I expected him, being a pastor, of all people to be understanding about the whole situation. I am frustrated that he just doesn't get it.
Ok, thanks for letting me vent!

[loveajax]

I am sorry to hear that. That would really, really, really disappoint (and annoy) me.

I think you should talk to him. My mom has made some stupid comments at times and I have had to "discipline" her!

[Adopted-B-4]

I understand and have been there, not sure he meant anything by it though. If she was older and knew what he was saying, I'd be hacked off but since she is an infant, I'm sure it was for you and your husband. My parents and in-laws say some pretty idiotic things about adoption but I honestly believe they don't mean to be so stupid, they just don't know what is appropriate and what's not, or let's hope that is the case. Not to mention, our twins are old enough that they correct them on their own now, so that's great. I do think we as adoptive parents are a bit more sensitive to those statements though. I find myself reading into everything that my MIL says, especially about my parenting.

[blessedbybug]

I am sure that was hard to hear. Has he had any other experience with adoption? Do you think he really meant it to be how you understood it? I just say this because it was a huge relief when I finally came to terms with the fact that not everybody lives adoption every day. Instead of me living upset and/or offended, I could use my energy to help those I love, who love me and who love my children understand some of the nuances of speaking about adoption.

And although words are powerful, they don't alway mean the same thing to all of us when they say them. I can imagine my Dad saying the same thing only because he is excited about the fact that very soon, our child will have the same last name and the journey to bringing him/her into the family, an often stressful experience, is coming to an end and indeed, the child is fully our child. Because it is truth, and although your child might feel all yours from the moment she was placed in your arms, for our other family members, it may not seem as "real". My family lives far away and in another country so my parents didn't meet my children til weeks and/or months after they were born. My parents loved them from the start but both said it didn't become real to them (because they had guarded their hearts for us for so long too... it was a long journey) until they held THEIR grandchildren in their arms.

If it were me, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. He may be trying to find ways to express how he is feeling in light of your whole experience. Unless of course this is one in a series of comments that have made you uncomfortable... the yes, a conversation about how you feel about what he has said would be in order.

Blessings to your family...

[startedover]

I am sorry he offended you. I think that maybe what he meant was everything would be legal. I never thought my daughter became More of a "C" when it was finalized, but I can understand where someone (especially a man) would word it that way. Hope it doesn't cause any problems . Maybe you should explain to him how it made you feel. My daughter is now 17 months old and TWICE in one day my mom said to some of her friends "S looks just like her mom" I said "bmom" and she "Oh yeah, you know what I meant". Not 5 mintues later she DID THE SAME THING...

[Stormster]

I just want to say that I am super sensitive about anyone saying or doing ANYTHING that might be derogatory to adoption and/or DS but I do agree with Blessed that "not everyone is living adoption every day". i was p.o'd that my brother only met E twice so was super sensitive when he told me he looks "very midwestern" which in NY Jewish circles can mean nothing other than "gentile".

it was just an unnecessary reference to the fact that he's not dark like DH and I and not Jewish looking like my side of the family. Because HE said it after not visiting it took on new meaning. Felt like a rejection of him somehow.

But at the end of the day you know what? He was so affectionate and adorable with him, so admired his physical abilities, was just loving loving loving ...it just didn't matter. Anyway, I do know what you mean but there are some people who just let us down sometimes so everything they say is scrutinized differently KWIM? Also, I"m trying not to be sooooo protective of the little guy's feelings now. He doesn't even understand any of the things that offend me!

Hopefully by the time he does understand our family and friends will have learned a thing or two, particularly about our OA which clearly freaks them out but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

[fisbaby]

I'm really sorry that your feelings were hurt. I think though that maybe he wasn't trying to hurt your feelings on this one. I know that even after my DS's finalization we said oh now you're "officially" a "F".... not that he wasn't before but it was so nice to have it in writing on that piece of paper, ya know? I would say he was just trying to be excited for your family that it would all be official and have the legal stuff done with soon.

That being said, I know how easily I get my feelings hurt too. I hate that my family is ALWAYs going on and on about my niece and how she's all "n" b/c she looks like them. I have made comments too but it's just overkill. The last time I even said well I think it must not be in the blood line b/c my DS has our temperment .. just to try to make a point! Then my MIL and FIL are ALWAYs saying have you heard from his "mom" lately? I really want to correct them and feel comfortable with others but I'm so afraid they'll be mad about it. My DH says to do it or they'll never learn and I don't want them referring to her in that term when my DS is old enough to understand. If my sister or friend or anyone else says it I always reply "his birthmother is ...." or whatever so they get the point!

[feelingreyt]

I can see where you would be upset by the remark, however, he probably meant nothing by it.
Last week I got my ason's new SS card with his "new" last name. I was THRILLED! There is just something about sharing a last name.....
We have 2 bio children so our Ped knows our family really well. Everytime I take our ason in to see him, he tells me that he gets thrown off when he looks at the chart on the door, he never can place that last name until he opens the door,LOL! And he has adopted twins! He will be thrilled for us when we go back for our next visit and he sees our son's new name!

[BrandyHagz]

I guess I'll be the odd man out.

You have every right to be angry and I would suggest that you nip this in the bud now. Comments like that have a way of becoming the norm for some people.

I was 12 years old when I was standing in my grandmothers kitchen - we were talking about my fathers drug problem (he needed treatment, she didn't think so) when she said the one sentence that I will carry with me for the rest of my life:

What do you know, you're not really a Wilson anyway.

My dad (it was his mom) continues to defend her by saying that she didn't mean it that way - but that doesn't make it sting any less.

Nip it - now. You don't have to be hateful, just tell him how it made you feel and how things, even said with good intentions, could make your child feel later.

[Gwen72]

Stormster- Being from the midwest myself I hope you told your brother something like..."Yeah, midwesterners sure are pretty aren't they?"

[aspenhall]

How funny Brandi!
I'm not really a Wilson either!

I had different last name than my cousins and was reminded of it constantly. My mom was 1 girl in a family of 6 boys...I was one of 50 cousins...

It stung a lot, and I had the bio connection. To this day I still don't feel like part of the family or that I belong...

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would agree with Brandy on this one. You need to address the issue with your FIL. He needs to know what is and is not acceptable with regard to your children.

When my daughters were THREE, my FIL asked what their last name was!!!! We adopted them at birth - whose last name would he THINK they'd have? In the same conversation, he asked their race and how much contacted we "had" to have with "the biologicals." I think I still have a copy of the letter I sent him educating him on proper adoption language and instructing him to ask questions about their adoption in private - NOT in front of the children.

Hugs to you!

[nikkianni]

Ah family, ain't it grand?
I agree with Brandy and with every else too. First, he may not have meant it "in that way." I know that when DD's birth certificate came in the mail, I made a giant entry in my journal that said only: Evangelina X XXXX! It's official!
And I certainly didn't mean she'd been less a member of the family before that.
However, I think it's important to have the adoption talk now and avoid having your daughter go through something like Brandy did later on down the line. I know I've gently and in one case not so gently reminded family members that I am DD's mom, that it's birthparents, etc.
Heck, DH's rich old uncle wrote us out of the will when he found out we were adopting. So every family tree definitely has some nuts. Or would that be crab apples?

[aclee]

even realizes that Ty's last name isn't legally "C" yet. he goes by C for everything, including his medical records...

That being said. It would be an issue. A big one. It would be dealt with. I'm finally strong enough that when my family asks me how his mother is, and if I've talked to her, I tell them I'm doing fine and that I do talk to myself pretty frequently, but not really more so because I'm a new mother. I always thank them for asking though. The most recent victim to that little "I'm the mom" tantrum. My sister. Poor girl. I DO know what they mean, but by the time Ty understands them, the ground work with be well and compeltely laid so they get the point. M is his birth mother, but if they are going to ask about her (and I encourage them to do so!) they need to refer to her as his birth mother. Teaching family the language etc of adoption is just as important as teaching your child about adoption.

I think a response I would favor is that a last name doesn't "make" someone part of the family....love and acceptance does.