[Stormster]

I just read the co sleeping thread. We don't co sleep and as a matter of fact, DS has never really slept for very long in my arms. He's an excellent self soother and never cries for long at night or otherwise. He is happy to go into the arms of others though lately he pulls his hand away from strangers or looks for me. Still, he doesn't have any real stranger anxiety. He's just a happy, well-adjusted kid who is a great sleeper (in his own crib).

So what exactly is attachment and how do I know if he's attached? I certainly feel good about our relationship but I as I have mentioned in some other threads he's not the least bit clingy. If and when he does cry, which isn't very common, I am able to comfort him. I think I answered my own question in writing this, I think he's just fine.

But I am wondering what the official definition is?

[aallen25]

I'm not sure of the official definition but I am certain DD is attached to me...we never really co slept either. When she was younger I enjoyed holder her when she napped but that is about the extent of it.
Anyway, attachment to me is when Shiloh is extremely upset I am the only one who can soothe her, when I leave the room she watches until she can't see me and then crawls after(unless DH is in the room with her), when someone new comes around she hangs out with me until she's comfortable....that's a bit of my definition of attachment regarding DD.

[Linny]

I think I'd agree with aallen on that....I'd also like to add this too.
I can tell you what a kid who ISN'T attached looks like:

As much older babies, they have little to no eye contact with you. That means they don't look for you when they're in someone else's arms. (And that's for older babies. As younger babies, sometimes, they're just not old enough, KWIM?)
They'll go to anyone and everyone for anything. Soo, when you're out in McDonald's.....and you have your older toddler (or older child) with you, and they stray away to wander throughout the place, asking for anything from anyone--about anything.....and they feel completely at ease in doing so....there may be a problem.
They can't seem to smile at ease at any time. The smiles are forced, like they're posing for a photo with their teeth clenched at all times. (In fact, I daresay a lot of times, you can pick out an unattached child from the way they continuously smile in this way.)

Those are just a couple....and there's more, especially if the child is older. But, Storm...as you've written, I think your baby is attached. I worried about this greatly, because we'd had three children (adopted as older) who had little to no attachment. That was something dh and I weren't prepared for; and not sure I could ever go through that again.......(sigh)

In 'babydom'....some kids are more clingy than others. In the same way, some babies are more assertive, explore more, just like any other difference in babies. But I think the main thing is....when something really fearful sets in.......who's the person they run or look for to run to, KWIM? That's a pretty strong indicator to me.

Sincerely,

Linny

[startedover]

Linny,
I have never considered my daugther unattached but several things in your reply describes my daughter. She does to anyone! ANytime! if she is hurt and I am close she will reach for me but if one of my kids gets to her first she is fine for them to sooth her. She makes eye contact thought ALOT almost like she is reading my thoughts. She will stare at me and try and read if I am about to laugh or not and then she will laugh or make a face. Her smiles seem normal. Should I be concerned about attachment since she seems to be content in anyones arms? She has never been one I could rock (unless she is sick). But she will just come up and sit with me for a few minutes.

[slugbug0930]

Obviously each baby is going to be different just like every adult is unique.

But let me tell you our little angel is the exact opposite. She really only goes to sleep if someone she knows holds her and rocks her. Like me, DH, the grandmas or our fabulous babysitter. Other than that she is fine with being held by strangers for a little while but always wants one of the "knowns" back sooner rather than later. And believe me she lets everyone know if she wants.....mommy, daddy or grandma real quick & real loud! lol

[specialk4b]

One definition of attachment is "the capacity of an infant or child to form a close, trusting and loving relationship with his mother and father."

To me it extends to the child understanding the idea that the role of mother and/or father is special and not to be filled by just any adult they come in contact with. Children in orphanage environments take care and comfort from whichever nanny happens to be present. Those children when adopted may continue to go to whichever mommy is available (any woman they see, even if this child has never met the woman) rather than look to their adoptive mother for care and comfort.

Startedover, you describe your daughter going to you or to one of her siblings for comfort. So she has an attachment to her siblings which is healthy.

[nikkianni]

DD knows who Mommy and Daddy are. When we walk into a room, she lights up and gets SO excited. She does the same with Grammy and Grampy.
She's OK with strangers, but when she's tired, unhappy, hurt or just wants to cuddle, she comes to us. We get sloppy kisses all the time. And nobody can make her laugh like DH can. Nobody.
Every child is different, so they all behave in different ways. Just because E is fine with strangers at this point doesn't mean he's not attached. It just means he's self assured.

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

Just because E is fine with strangers at this point doesn't mean he's not attached. It just means he's self assured.

LOL THAT HE IS!

May he always feel that way about himself!

[Saya]

I would also add, that if you adopted your child as a newborn, you are much much much less likely to have any kind of attachment concerns. (Though I know it's possible, because the rupture from the b-mom with whom they've spent 9 months in utero is not inconsequential.) But it's really much more of a concern for those people adopting older babies or older children. If you're interested in the topic, "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray is a great book.

[loveajax]

I was going to say the same thing as Saya (re: adopting a newborn). There may be reasons a newborn may not attach, I guess, but that may be true in bio situations as well (may be based on the parenting, the child's disposition (e.g., my nephew with EXTREME colic had attachment issues, imo).

[angelkisses0102]

Great website... A4everFamily.org - HOME talks about attachment in an easy to understand manner. (This is a subject near and dear to my heart...my DS was AD...adopted at just 8 months old.)

This page talks directly to healthy attachnment:
A4everFamily.org - Healthy Attachment

I like these as well...besides the attachment checklist at the site:
A4everFamily.org - Red Flag Phrases

A4everFamily.org - What some of these "Red Flag Phrases" mean to us

[Lorraine123]

"A child who is well attached trusts her parents on a fundamental level to meet her basic needs. This foundation of trust leaves her free to explore her world and to develop age-appropriate independence. She is co-operative without being too submissive; empathetic, polite, and respectful without being too self-effacing; affectionate without being overly clingy or anxious; responsible without being prematurely adult. She may not always follow family rules, but she accepts discipline. At times, she might complain or resist, but on a basic level, she understands that her parents’ boundaries keep her safe and she recognizes their authority as legitimate."
Quoted from Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN