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Originally Posted By Catlyn

We brought home a baby that I found hard to bond with. After 9 days in the home, nothing was there. I have adopted before, and from the firts moment, it clicked, this one did not.
After much soul searching, praying and finally resolving this to the Lord, we returned the baby to the agency. What was most important to us was that she go to her new family and begin her life. So please, don't ever feel bad if you have a situation that you are just not bonding with a child. There is nothing wrong, it is very common and many agencies will hide this from you, and if you are blessed to have a really good one, they will provide post-follow up conseling for you and your family! But please, so not beat yourself up over it! God knows what is the right time, and just being patient and waiting on his will, it will be alright!

Much blessings....

Catlyn

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Would you have given up this child if it were biologically your own? Adoption should not be shopping for the best one.

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Originally Posted By Lora

How insensetive of you! Sometimes bonding does not happen. I find it best that if it was not "clicking" that she give the baby to a home that could. No, adoption is not about shopping around for the best, but at least with adoption, you do have a say-so. Biologically, your stuck.....how does that sound?

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Originally Posted By sarah

when non-bonding takes place, perhaps it is because the adoptive parent is not mentally/emotionally prepared to take on another child. . . whereas, a biological parent has nine months to get used to the idea. In order to avert termination of adoption proceedings based on 'non-bonding,' perhaps one should carefully consider the addition of another child to their family before the child is placed in their home. Personally, I don't think that nine days is enough time in which to decide whether a child is right for you or not. . . and, since she had already been placed in your home, I would hope that you made at least some effort to discover the reasons behind the non-bonding and attempt to remedy them.
Also, not everyone should adopt, or have biological children. (Or have more than a certain number, at least for a time) If you are fairly certain that you may be one of those people (and i would think that the inability to bond with a baby you were intending to adopt might signify the possibility that you might be) it does seem rather selfish to continue to try to adopt.
I don't mean this letter to be an indictment, but for all means. . . think before allowing a child to be placed in your home! Non-bonding shouldn't happen for someone who made a mature decision to adopt. . . (there are probably exceptions for children who are older and/or have problems the adoptive family was not informed of and does not feel capable of handling, but a healthy, normal infant does not ordinarily come with such added difficulties.)

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Originally Posted By for Sarah

Until you have been touched personaly by this experience, one cannot make that call. Try walking a mile in Catlyn's shoes before being so brassan!

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Originally Posted By Cynic

I do agree that she should not be the mother because she wanted more from the baby than it could offer. A real parent provides unconditional love, she put a condition on her love.

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Originally Posted By for Cynic

Maybe she wasn't prepared to riase a child of a diff. ethnic background? Not all people are. She very well may have tried with all her heart to do as such, but it just wasn't clicking. Her next placement, may go on w.out a hitch. Let's support this girl, instead of tearing her down in such a tender moment!

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Originally Posted By Cynic

No I will not support her if she wants to claim that what she did was right. She wasn't "clicking" with the baby because she was looking for the baby to fill some sort of emotional need for her. Did she not know the baby's ethnic background when they placed the baby with her? If being a parent is too difficult for her and asking her to love her child no matter what is too much for her then she should not try to adopt anymore.

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Originally Posted By Cynic

To quote Nickster Mommy "Bonding isn't a biological thing -- it grows out of loving for and caring for another human being". Her words, I am just using them.

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Originally Posted By Jodi

Sometimes loving means letting go. If it was not right for her, then it was not right for the baby either.

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Originally Posted By Jodi

Some children do not bond. Good example: Autism! How can you judge her and say that she did the right thing or the wrong thing. Only she can make that decision. Also, mistakes are always made in life - who's mistake was it? How many people can be blamed? I truly care about the baby and I am sure that the decision was right for it too. Sometimes there is no absolution in anything. Also, be careful how you judge - you never know what your next trial in life will be.

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Originally Posted By for Jodi

Thank you for that touching insight. No, it wasn't right for me, and I did what was loving and right, I gave her to a family that could do just that. Accept and affirm her. Thank you again. Time is healing wounds...

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Originally Posted By Sarah M

sure wish my parents had the sence God gave em and returned me.....

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Originally Posted By Lianne

We have adopted twice (transracial), and the first adoption felt like falling in love immediately and deeply; from the very first moment I felt that my daughter fulfilled everything I had ever wished or dreamed about a child. The second adoption had to follow quickly due to age restrictions; my husband had passed the age of 40. So we could adopt a second time only if the placement could be realized quickly. Our son was placed in our home 14 months after the placement of our daughter and if I had been free to choose a time I would have waited at least some months more. I didn't really feel much for him in the beginning, to be honest, I found him ugly and I was disappointed that there was not such an easy flow of love towards him as towards my daughter. But I have never ever contemplated something like 'returning' him to the agency as if he were an object that didn't satisfy me. Of course, I felt responsible for him and I felt that I should take the the responsibility for our own decision to adopt a second time at a point in time that was really a little bit too quick emotionally. And after all, if you give birth to a second baby 14 months after the first, the same might happen to you, I have heard this lots of times from biological mothers. Bonding is not always something that happens in minutes or hours or even days. It may take more time if you're in stressfull circumstances. To end my own story, I have cared for my son as well as I could and given him as much time and bodily contact I was able to give with a small toddler around who also needed care and attention, especially with a little brother whith whom she now had to share attention. I took four months leave of absence from my work, for example, to give us time and opportunity for bonding together. My son is now 19 months old and I feel absolutely the same for him as I do for my daughter. He is a fantastic, lovely, beautiful,open minded, active, easily laughing little boy and I would not give him up for anything in the world. If I recall my own disappointment in the first days, how I felt, more like a responsible nurse who had the obligation to take care for him as best as I could, but without this surge of love that had so easily come up with my daughter, I do not recognize myself. And his bonding towards me and my husband seems to be even stronger than my daughter's. Althuogh I realize that there are probably gradations in this sense of non-bonding and that I do not know enough details about the story to be able to really judge it, (which is also not my intention) I feel that 9 days is really too short to decide that there is no possibility of bonding. And what I really want to add and what disturbs me in the some of the responses, is that the cause of non-bonding is not on the baby's part, except in certain rare pathological conditions like autism. I really think that non-bonding comes mainly from the part of the adoptive parents and that it places the motivation for adoption in a dubious light, especially if the conclusion is drawn so quickly. Well, this was my story and I do not intend to be offensive towards this adoptive mother, but I feel that in every adoption there should be the intention on part of the adoptive parents to make it happen if it doesn't happen spontaneously and immediately.

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Originally Posted By Ricardo

I think that you acted very honestly. I am not familiar with adoption and this is the first time I am visiting this site. But I know several people who do not bond with their birth parent. I do not know why this happen, but usually it can make life difficult for both the parent and the children. The birth mother do not have this choice. Is it good or bad? A frience of mine have 3 daughters, and for some reason she never have a good relationship with the first one of them in the last 20 years(since she was a small child). Perhaps because it was not desired at the time she become pregnant. Wouldn't it be better if she was adopted by other family?. I really do not know, but It seem that both would be happier.