[4everwaiting]

Things I have noticed since announcing to our family and friends that we were going to adopt.

A little background, I work from home and take care of my 78 yo mother who lives with us-therefore my work and family situation requires me to stay home alot! Kinda captive in my own house so to speak.

1. EVERYONE thinks they should bring a child with them when they come to visit my house- they borrow one or two if they dont have one of their own! lol

2. If anyone thinks they may want to do something for a day or two they bring their child, grandchild(ren), neice or nephew over with diaperbag in hand for me to babysit...

3. Although I helped alot in raising my neices and nephews-they(grown neices and nephews) now think that I am the drop of center for their children.

4. I get invitations to baby showers of people I don't even know-the fifth cousin twice removed. lol

5. Everyone wants to ask " have you heard anything yet" grrrrr- if I had I'm sure they would have heard-as I would announce it in the freaking paper!

6. All the words of advice"POOR LITTLE Susie Q down the street adopted- 25 years ago, they didnt have to go through this stuff, they had their baby in two days" Ok, I'm exasurating(?sp) a little, but you get the point they compare our situation with what happend a quarter century ago, when times were much different.

7. My best for last- "Why do you want to adopt now, you've waited too long and you guys are already set in your ways-yadda, yadda"- said by my mother! now she feels different but that was her first reaction.
FIL said "well *expletive deleted* - why the *expletive deleted* do you want to do that- DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY COST! THEN you have to raise the little *expletive deleted* - as he's throwing stuff all over his office-pitching a fit(yes, he still feels this way)... I must say the rest of our family has been very supportive, but these two were far from it...

**My statement to those that try to drop off their children with me is- "I don't want to keep and raise YOUR child(ren), I want to raise OURS! sign the papers and I'll raise them, if not-pay a baby sitter- It's not my job"

** to the FIL- That's up to you, you can be involved as much or as little as you want-this is what we are going to do!
Since this statement-I've not been to their house or did any holidays there- 2.5 years ago.

These are just a few the little things I've noticed since telling the world about our adoption plans...

I know that if it has happened to us, it also has happened to others!

Share Please- I know I'm not alone!

Sandra

[specialk4b]

When we announced we were adopting, friends started dropping off their 8 month old baby on a moment's notice, "just to give us some practice".

People told us about those who adoped a baby "just last week. They only waited two weeks."

[lovemy2boys]

See, I had the opposite reaction - we always heard about couples that waited 6 or 7 years...not quick matches...

[Gwen72]

I can't believe your FIL! He hasn't come around in 2.5 years? I am very sorry. That must be hard for you and your DH. No one drops babies off here but a few friends have teenagers and they have offered to pay me to adopt them! One friend has a 17 year old highschool dropout who is pregnant with her 3 child She had the nerve to ask me "Why would you adopt instead of have one of your own?" I said, "Apparently I'm too educated and overly qualified to have one!" I felt bad and apologized later though. I've also had friends ask "Why can't you have one of your own?" To that I say, "Tell me about your uterus and your DH's sperm count first!" I have not apologized for that zinger. I've also had friends and family try to talk us out of an open adoption and friends try to talk me out of a transracial adoption. To those who have bio and adopted kids: Do people try to give you a lot of unsolicited advise when you are pregnant too or just when you are adopting?

[pats]

My favourite was all the horror stories we were told about adoptions gone wrong. As if I wan't already worried about every possible bad scenerio. I had to keep reminding myself of the majority of the cases that go very well. I have now adopted two with no major obstacles along the way. (they may have felt huge at the time but really they were minor inconveniences)

[4everwaiting]

FIL's still pretty negative about the adoption thing... As I told several people on that side of the family-its not like I want a new Jaguar, a yaucht or to get a new house or anything extravigant. We just want a family-something that everyone else has and most take for granted...We want a baby to share our lives with-to teach, watch grow, spoil and mostly to love.


I had forgot about all the horror stories that everyone saw on tv about the Bfamily wanting the baby back, but yes I heard plenty of those as well... One in a million times this happens, but of course that will be headlines in the paper, online and on tv when it and if does happen...

As the offical baby sitter in the tri-state area"with loads of experience raising someone elses kids"-we never get notice of the bringing and dropping off of children to my house-it could be because they know I would get in my car and drive off if I knew they were coming lol- I think I want to move and not leave a fowarding address!

Thanks for sharing, I knew that I was not alone!

Sandra

[HappyHopefulMommy]

I am constantly asked if we have heard anything. It drives me crazy. We say "nothing new", even if there happens to be a possibility. Hello - don't they know (especially my MIL) that as soon as we know, they will know.

And I get the, "so and so did fost/adopt twice and was placed with newborns only days after being appoved." I really don't want to hear it.

And I get the horror stories too. Heck, I think I am a horror story. No one trying to adopt will want to hear my story. (well, maybe after we have suceeded it won't be so bad).

And I get invited to a ton of baby showers, and I NEVER go.

[chrisandaaron]

Originally Posted by Gwen72

I can't believe your FIL! He hasn't come around in 2.5 years? I am very sorry. That must be hard for you and your DH. No one drops babies off here but a few friends have teenagers and they have offered to pay me to adopt them! One friend has a 17 year old highschool dropout who is pregnant with her 3 child She had the nerve to ask me "Why would you adopt instead of have one of your own?" I said, "Apparently I'm too educated and overly qualified to have one!" I felt bad and apologized later though. I've also had friends ask "Why can't you have one of your own?" To that I say, "Tell me about your uterus and your DH's sperm count first!" I have not apologized for that zinger. I've also had friends and family try to talk us out of an open adoption and friends try to talk me out of a transracial adoption. To those who have bio and adopted kids: Do people try to give you a lot of unsolicited advise when you are pregnant too or just when you are adopting?

Yes, I got tons of unsolicited advise and invasive questions when I was pregnant too. But, I think we are more sensitive to it when we are adopting.

[JustCourtney]

Twice I have been retold long winded and horrifying stories of adotpion gone wrong - both times I recognized the tales from movies that ran on Lifetime!

My cousin actually spent 20 minutes at Easter telling me of the heartbreak some friends of friends of her neighbors (real direct - I know), had in adopting a child that later terrorized their "real" child and had to be "sent back" at age seven. Once I realized where this all was going, I plastered a smile on my face, nodding and listening despite the buzzing in my ears. In was an episode of Law and Order. Seriously. Instead of snapping, I reminded myself that she loves us and wants the best for us, and she doesn't know any better. Educationg them on proper terminology will come in time! I was in no frame of mind to be gracious just then!

[Howdy]

When I decided to adopt my mother was very supportive (my father was deceased but I know he would have been too), but my brother thought I was nuts. I knew where he was coming from because he had a VERY troublesome teenager at the time.

Surprisingly it was my nephew was the most involved spectator, he made it a point to be brought out for a visit often and gave me lots of hugs 'to prepare me for having a child' (because I'm a very non-touchy-feely person who abstains from hugs in the family).

[Cjmeck]

[quote=Do people try to give you a lot of unsolicited advise when you are pregnant too or just when you are adopting?[/QUOTE]


It was MUCH worse when I was pregnant--much worse! When you're pregnant, you are a walking billboard for stupid comments from strangers. Every crazy in the world wants to touch your stomach. Every person at Walmart wants to tell you their labor horror stories. "Are you having twins?" Um, no, thanks for ruining my day; I was just fat to start with! But with adoption, I only got stupid comments from family and close friends... lol

[devildogwife]

Originally Posted by Gwen72

To those who have bio and adopted kids: Do people try to give you a lot of unsolicited advise when you are pregnant too or just when you are adopting?

No living bio children, but yes, unsolicited advice and horror stories when you're pregnant too. I was asked every single phone convo with people how I was feeling. Ugh so annoying.

[sarah16]

I have had both experiences. So far the adoption news is worse. I have had many people very uncomfortable when I tell them I"m adopting and try to change the subject quick. Other people ask why, did I have trouble conceiving my DD, and I think why is this your business??

When I was pregnant with my DD, the day before I had her I was asked by a lady at the grocery store if I was having twins. I said no and gave her "a look", and she said "well you should be" ugggg.

My DD did come out a healthy 8lb 8oz but who does that??

[islandfamily]

My dad has said (repeatedly) that we don't "need" to adopt, because our lifestyle doesn't revolve around kids. I'm 40, DH is 38...we have no kids. I'm confused...during all these years, should we have been buying and watching Barney tapes???

My dad is 77 and thinks that when you have kids, you never go out to eat or to a movie or off to do anything until the kid is grown and gone, because that's what he did. Because DH and I golf, kayak and camp, he thinks we shouldn't adopt, because that will "change our lifestyle." Errrrr, I was kinda hoping to SHARE our life with a child!! My mom passed away a few years ago, so I have only my dad's opinions to go by.

I know he's just coming at it from his own perspective, but it really HURTS when your own father essentially says you shouldn't have kids. Lucky for me, my sister is totally supportive and very encouraging.

And dear MIL put her foot in it whilst cooing over DH's brother's new bio baby. "It's just so different when they're REAL grandbabies!" Hey, guess what? I think we'll find a REAL grandmother who can love any child and we'll let HER spend time with our baby. If we ever get one!

Arghhhhh!

[CaddoRose]

Sandra: first off, when other people just "drop by" to drop off their kid for you to babysit, I would inform them at the door that you can't take their kid today or anyother day unless they call ahead and actually make plans. You are being used! It's one thing if they call ahead and you say yes to keeping a child, but it's quite another to have then arrive at our doorstep and EXPECT you to take them. How rude can people get?!!! You need to establish those ground rules asap or when you get our baby it will only get worse. You will want/need the time with your child.

As for the FIL, he was born in 1931 and still carries the ideas from his childhood and young adulthood when adoption wasn't talked about and only happened to "those" people. You don't need his approval and if he says anything negative about it again, you should inform him otherwise. You don't need to get your new child and have him around saying awful things in front of them. Just think of that situation and decide to stop it before it starts. It's really none of his business if you want a family or how you get it.

Some people think that it's their right to inform all of us about the people they know who adopted or went through treatment to get pregnant or whatever. I'm always amazed at how nosey people are or how negative they can be. We are foster/adopt parents and only one person has been negative about it and he doesn't count. My department head said to me"why on earth would you want to do that? Why would take on such kids and their problems?" Uh, because it's what we're supposed to be doing as a family? It's what is right for us to do."

I really just wanted to say something like " well, we thougth our lives needed some excitment and so we decided to take on kids whose parents didn't take care for them and we just love going to court and filling out paperwork and transporting kids to visitations, etc..

Gwen, I love the response about sperm count,etc. I wouldn't apologize for that one either.