[MelissaFL01]

A situation has come up, the birthmom is only 1.5 months along. Our agency is still doing the full background check, etc. on mom, so nothing is definite yet. They are hesitant to match, cause anything can happen this early, but is leaving the decision up to us. If we go for it, the agency is actually going to go to the first ob/gyn appt. with the mom, and there is already medical proof of pregnancy, which makes me feel better, but I am still nervous. How far along was the birthmom when you guys matched? How did it work out?

[Fran27]

My agency only matches in the last 2 months... it's one of the reasons we went with them. I would go insane with a long match...

In our case the babies were born.

[babydubs5]

that's a very long wait.... and a lot of things can happen. The decision to place for adoption could have been a knee jerk reaction to an unplanned pregnancy... or it could have been something she knew all along (before she got pregnant, that if she ever did, it'd be what she wanted to do) and she can always change her mind. Honestly, I'd be hesitant to match with someone before the 2nd trimester, she hasn't emotionally connected with the baby inside of her... felt it move, etc. All of which could change a decision she felt was what she wanted at 1.5 months.

We were matched with an Emom when she was 16weeks pregnant... she was so set in her decision... three months later, decided she wanted to parent and couldn't even tell us... just stopped contact with us. I got the final decision via text from her.

My question to your agency would be whether or not they'd keep your profile in the mix of being shown... because if you matched with the Emom now and 6 months later she decides to parent, that's 6 months of time you could have been shown and matched with someone else.... something you need to really weigh pros and cons for... IMHO.

[Lilly's Mommy]

I personally would not match that early for several reasons.

First, the expectant mom (not a birthmom yet) has just learned of her pregnancy. There is no way she can have had adequate time to receive counseling and think through all of her options. She should be encouraged to consider parenting and not just assume that adoption is best. That's not to say that she may not choose adoption in the end, but she should have time and encouragement to really make the decision.

If she is matched early, she will feel that she owes something to the pap's (potential adoptive parents), and that may hinder her from following her heart if she feels she really should parent as the pregnancy progresses.

Finally, as a pap, that's a LONG wait, with a higher-than-average chance (I suspect) of disappointment for you, and would mean that you weren't shown to any other emoms for the duration of the pregnancy.

Only you can decide what is right for you, but hopefully this will help in your decision making. Best of luck!

[mandirenee]

We were matched with our sons birthmom when she was 7 1/2 months. I would not match until the last 4 months (and I would prefer the last 2 months).

It's a roller coaster ride. If you think waiting has been difficult, wait till you are matched an waiting. IMO that part of the wait is the most difficult.

[Vogi2002]

Yeah another negative here also. There really isn't way that the emom could have any counseling near to what she needs to have. Plus it takes way more time for her to fully realize about the child that she is carrying.

Personally I think developing a relationship with an adoptive family would hinder her relationship building with her child at this point. She needs to focus on HER and her baby right now KWIM?

[blessedbybug]

Our agency didn't match until after the seventh month. Of course, it's a personal choice but I wouldn't enter into a possible situation until the third trimester. Too much can happen, including the expecting/new mother deciding to parent. To me, that is a lot of emotional investment and time in a possibility.

But the biggest reason for me not to do it is so that the expecting mom has all the time she needs to make her decision. I believe that feelings can/will/do change (maybe many times) with time and this expecting mother needs time and space and hopefully, counselling to help her make the best decision for her child.

[MelissaFL01]

Thank you so much for the feedback! Our agency has been great. They too are very hesitant to match, but did want to give us the final decision. I may be worrying over nothing, the mom's background check may not work out, etc. They always talk to the families to make sure they are comfortable with any situation before any profiles, etc are shown to a birthmom, so she doesn't know about us yet. They would like for her to have more time and counseling, to make sure everything is ok. This mom has placed a child before, so is familiar with the process, but you never know. this time may be different for her.

[devildogwife]

I'm another one that wouldn't match that early either. Personally, that is just too long of a wait (not to mention the risk of miscarriage at that early time) for me to feel comfortable with. There is just so much the expectant mom needs to deal with first, counseling, etc. We didn't match with my son's birth mom until she was 6 and 1/2 months along.

[hoping4u]

I personally would not feel comfortable matching that early. We were matched to our birth mom at 7 months. I guess I'm just looking at it as that is a long span of time for a wait and so much can happen during that time. On the other hand it is just such an unpredictable thing, a lot could happen during a short match too! I will keep you in my prayers, best wishes to you!

Sheila

[kelceesmom]

I too, could not match that early on. Our facilitator really tries not to match unless there is about 4 or less to go.

An emom could change her mind at anytime so I don't think that is part of the issue with me.

I just couldn't sit tight for 7 1/2 months. For me it would be way to much time invested if it didn't work out. But others might not have these issues.

I can't see where an emom could make a sound decision to place this early one either.

[loveajax]

Melissa, I don't want to be a downer either, but I think for me this really would be too early to match.

I did have a friend who matched when a woman was 2 months pg (she too had placed children before) and it worked out well, except my friend paid a TON of expenses. And to me that is just kind of a huge red flag. Will you have to pay expenses or is the agency a flat fee?

Beyond the expenses issue, I just think from your perspective, you will lose your mind. We had a five week window between match-placement and that was the longest five weeks of my life.

One thing that I "knew" but never really "knew" was that even in a match, an expecting mom will have to decide whether to place after the baby is born. It is entirely her right to do so and to decide to parent (as it should be).

I know it is hard to "turn down" a match, especially if (like DH and I were) you have wanted to be a parent for a long time. And maybe this is the "perfect" situation so I hate to throw cold water on it. But I really would be very leery of it.


To be honest, I also don't think agencies in fairness to an expecting mom should match until much later in a pg (my own personal opinion).

Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!

[MelissaFL01]

You guys are great, thank you for the response. The agency is going to tell her that they are going to wait until at least 3 months along to match, but offer counseling now. But....another situation has come along in the meantime that is far more promising, birthmom is in her third trimester. Thanks !