[mdesi]

Hi all,

I was wondering, on average, at what point in the pregnancy does an expectant mother need expenses? I guess I want to know, on average given your experience, when does she need which expenses?

We live in a state that caps expenses w/o a judge's approval, and all expenses have to be submitted to a judge after the cap is met.

I realize that it will vary depending on the mother's need for bed rest, but just trying to get an idea as to when we would need to pay what for her.

Also, we do realize that counseling expenses will (and should) start as soon as we match.

Thanks, in advance.

[powderpiggy]

The only emom expenses that we paid were for counseling. And it was pretty late in the game (mind you we met F2F only a week and a half before DS was born).

[Adopted-B-4]

Both of our birthmothers had were required to quit working and be on bedrest months prior to giving birth and then they gave birth early. So, our expenses started pretty quickly but were paid by our agency.

[Lilly's Mommy]

Humm... Not to sound rude, but I don't believe that most expectant mothers need expenses paid other than counseling. Some pap's pay for all kinds of things (rent, car, food, cell phone) but to me, that seems too much like coersion. This is my personal feeling.

Just know that any expenses you choose to cover are "non refundable" in the event that the expectant mother chooses to parent.

We paid for counseling and covered the hospital co-payments.

I would think that in circumstances of true bedrest (which is not the norm), that the timing could vary. An emom would be eligible for some disability pay, but you may choose to make up the difference as allowed by your state.

[mdesi]

Lilly's Mom, A big part of me agrees with you on coersion, so I don't think that you are rude. Also, thanks, I never thought about the disability angle, which is a big "duh!" moment for me. A really good friend works in the state's disability office, so I can't believe that I never thought about that. (BTW- We do know that the money is at risk, but that is a great reminder for other people that read this post.) Thanks!

[Lynn226]

Lilly's Mommy,

I, too, do not think your comments are rude. I have some ethical concerns about paying birth mother expenses. This issue is one of the reasons that I have never seriously considered domestic adoption.

[snaps]

Some states do not allow you to pay any birthmother expenses (like GA where we live) however that is dictated by the state in which your birthmother lives. From what I have heard most birthmothers match late in pregnancy (6 months or so) so whatever you pay would only be for a few months anyway.

We did pay some expenses for our first adoption. This included some money for rent and for medical copays. Although I can understand some peoples reservations to pay this, I viewed in this way - if it helps the birthmother take better care of herself and the baby then I am all for it. Sometimes I think requests for expenses can be outrageous though and I think you just have to agree through your agency or lawyer on what you feel OK with when you match. You definitely do not want to pay the birthmother directly for these things. They need to go through your attorney or agency and usually they go out in the form of giftcards (ie. food) or the rent, etc is paid directly.

[Beth.]

[quote=Lilly's Mommy]Humm... Not to sound rude, but I don't believe that most expectant mothers need expenses paid other than counseling. Some pap's pay for all kinds of things (rent, car, food, cell phone) but to me, that seems too much like coersion. This is my personal feeling.

QUOTE]

Don't forget legal fees along with the cost of couseling.


We live in a state that only allows counseling, legal fees, and medical costs. We wouldn't be willing to do it any other way. Also, we would only match with a privately insured or medical assistance eligible mom. No way could we afford the entire hospital bill; co-pays and deductibles are enough when you add in everything else.

Good luck!

[McNally720]

Our state has a limit, and every agency we contacted said they would manage getting the funds to any potential match (i.e, they give the help to the emom, it was built in to their fees).

I agree that if it helps someone take care of herself and not be stressed, and it promotes a healthy pregnancy, then I think there's a place for it.

In our current situation, MAM's bmom (expecting again and anticipating placing with us again) is unemployed and waiting for unemployment to kick in. She's able to buy groceries, buy clothes that fit and put a little gas in her car because the agency is helping her. She has no one else who can.

[aclee]

but the state the emom is in is the one that the agency will typically go by (and then you would have to finalize there) For us personally, we were really not open to any expenses that were additional to our agency fees. We knew that paying expenses would open the door to losing money. For us that could have impacted our ability to make a new match, so we weren't going to take that risk. There was one situation where we were asked to match with an emom very close to her due date, and the only expenses she was requesting were $500 for maternity clothes because she had no clothes or bras that fit. She was 2 weeks from her due date and to us, that made no sense. Was she really going to go spend $500 on maternity clothes to wear for the next month or so? We offered to send her gift cards to her local maternity shops and she declined matching with us. That sort of sealed the deal for us with expenses. Ty's bmom was given some post partum expenses (from what we have heard they were minimal, we don't know the exact numbers) but they were paid out of the $ that we paid the matching agency.

[mommy3]

After waiting for two years for our second adoption, we chose to match with an expectant mom who needed financial assistance. She had justifiable reasons why she couldn't work that I'm not going to go into here and our assistance fit the acceptable financial guidelines in CA, as well as our ethical and financial expectations. We provided assistance to her at about $1500/month for months 7, 8 and 9 of her pregnancy and for 4 weeks post-partum. We paid bills directly to the group/utility/whatever, not to her. We realized this was taking a risk and were willing to take that risk. We'd already flown two other expectant moms out to visit us and had a 4-month relationship (3 month match) with one of them, so decided that another risk might be THE right one.

As far as timeframe, you've gotten good feedback already re checking your state's rules -- and beyond that, it's really what you are willing to handle. My 2 cents. susan