[luvmylittlegirls]

DD is asking more questions about her b-mom. I'm trying to figure out how to explain b-mom's drug use plus her own very tragic upbringing that made her unable to take care of DD... AND I need to phrase it in such a way that it leaves the door open to filling in more details (when DD is much older) about some difficult events that happened between birth and placement.

I don't know what words to use or how much to tell (DD is 5 yo). I also need to do it in a way that DD doesn't form a negative opinion of b-mom. Her b-mom is doing MUCH better now, and is parenting other children, which, in a way makes it even more complicated.

FWIW, how we've explained it thus far is that DD grew in M's belly and then she lived with A (caregiver) and then mommy and daddy flew on an airplane to pick her up and brought her home. And then we had a big party where the whole family came to meet her.

Any suggestions on how to talk about the yucky details?? Thank you.

[loveajax]

Luv, without going to details, I have some "yucky" stuff to deal with as well. I don't think a five year old really needs to know about drug use, etc. It sounds to me like it's just as well to say now, "your birth mom was not feeling well at the time and could not take care of you at that time" or something like that???

Does she seem to "accept" your answers or is she pressing more?

I get the parenting other children part too.....DD's birth mom is a really good mom to her two girls (one older and one younger than DD) and I'm hard pressed to explain why she could parent them without getting into some of the "yucky" details (that I don't even want to get into until DD is much, much older!).

GOOD LUCK! It sounds to me like you are handling it well so far. (DD is only three and hasn't started asking questions yet when we discuss her birth family).

[kelceesmom]

Can you somehow explain that M was sick and she needed help. You and daddy were able to help her and bring her into your family?

[EZ2Luv]

I agree with Kelceesmom. Just telling DD her bmomma was too sick to care for her at the time should suffice. Drug addiction IS a sickness so you are being truthful with out expounding on the ugly stuff. There will certainly be plenty of time to go into the details when she gets older.
I deal with drug addicts everyday and most of the children of these addicts are better understand when they are told that their parents are sick. It helps them to know that it doesn't mean they are bad people, just sick and need help.

EZ

[Linny]

I don't know specifically what your child is asking or how she's asking, but I fully believe in telling the truth. I don't think you have to give all the details per se....but I don't think grazing over the truth is good either.
I wouldn't give this scenario that birthmom was 'sick'.......I'd be honest and up front in saying that she was involved with drugs---that the use of drugs was so bad, she was unable to make sensible choices and knew her DD would be better off being raised by loving people who could take better care of her.

I agree that addiction is a type of sickness.....but in a five year old's mind, I'm not sure that 'sickness' should equate drug abuse. Just me, I guess...and having been involved with addicted people (drugs, alcohol) more than once.

I think the more honest and detailed (for the age of your child) you can be---now---will equate with more understanding and less mystery--later.

JMO....

Sincerely,

Linny

[feelingreyt]

I have to chime in here. I think that telling your dd that her bmom was sick and that is why she could not care of her is being truthful. However, I would not go that route. I would tell her she was on drugs and the drugs made her sick. Here is my reasoning behind this...
At 5 yrs old she may get very confused if you just say she was sick. What happens if, God forbid, you get sick have to go the hospital for a few days and are not able to care for her. In her mind this could be history repeating itself and she may fear that since you are sick(or daddy) that she is going to have to get a new mommy and daddy again. Everyone gets sick sometimes, you don't want her to fear that, ya know. I think letting her know that nature of the sickeness(drugs in this situation) is going to be the best option here.
Of course, you know your child and I don't, so I may be way off. I do have children though, ages 7, 3 and 9 months, plus lots of nieces and nephews and I know that sometimes they can get confused when we generalize things too much. Does that make sense?

Good luck and I pray all goes well. I do feel your pain. Our youngest is our only adopted child and his bmom has not given up the rights to her 3 older children, only him. I dread the day he starts asking these questions. Of course, with my 2 older children the questions are already here and I have to answer them the best I can without painting birthmom as a bad person, ya know. It's hard. She is in and out of jail and rehab. Even though she has not given up rights to her other children, other people have them right now because of where she is. I babysit for them sometimes(they are family) so they see the toll it is taking on everyone, including our family. It's very hard and I can only pray that God will lead me and direct me everyday to answer what can in the most truthful, yet non-judgemental way.

[Adopted-B-4]

Well, I am not sure if it's right but what we did was just told them general things. I explained that she is their "tummy mommy" and they grew in her tummy. She prayed for parents to take care of them the way she would if she could and we were praying to become parents and God put us together. We told them she was by herself taking care of 2 other children and couldn't care for them too. They do ask why she couldn't take care of them and we have just said she didn't have any money or family to help her like we do. I think at this age, it has been sufficient. I just don't think they understand having drug issues or mental stability problems but they do understand having family to help and not having money, which true enough was 2 of her biggest issues and also, she didn't have a husband to help her and they understand that too. For us, this is still leaving the door open for when they have more detailed questions at a later date. If the details are needed, I just don't know of a way at this age to explain drug addiction without putting a negative spin on it, afterall, you also don't want to make it look like doing drugs is good, right? I will be anxious to read some other responses since our daughter's bmom is also into drugs and tested positive for many things when she went into labor early. She also has other children and wants more later, so I know this will be difficult to explain.

[Wisdom]

What questions is your DD asking?

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Wisdom

What questions is your DD asking?

I would want to know the specific questions your DD wants answered at this age as well. Unless she is specifically asking "why?" and "she couldn't take care of you right then" doesn't answer her question, then you would have to go into more detail. We plan on (but who knows what will happen) speaking with our DD about being healthy and what healthy things to do in your life and with your body and unhealthy things that shouldn't be done, but that is further (much further) down the line (we hope anyway). Our children (4 and 2) have not asked and we aren't going to bring it up with any specifics for a very long time. DD knows her other mom and we speak of her with honor and respect and love only, and it will be a hard, hard thing for DD to come to terms with (IMO, knowing my child the way I do) that her other mom has struggled and continues to struggle with issues of addiction. Delicate really... and really, only you can decide what to say based on how you know your child will react.

But I will add, if DD starts asking more questions and what we are saying now isn't satisfying her, we will have to face this sooner than we planned.

[sbaglio]

Do you have an OA with your child's birthmother? If so, why not discuss this issue with her as well? You ultimately have the final decision on what you tell your child, but involving the bmom early on may be helpful, IMO, as the questions will likely continue (and not only for you, for the bmom as well). Your child will probably have some kind of relationship with the bmom (if you have an OA), so how you explain her drug use may impact that relationship in the future. Again, you are your child's parent, but having a word with the bmom may be helpful in what you say to your child. JMO.

[buttascotchbaby]

I have to agree with Linny. I believe in the truth and even at 5, kids understand a lot. When my (now 6 y.o.) came to me she had just turned 4 and had (unfortunately!) a pretty good understanding of bio mom's drinking (not as much the drugs) and would say "My mom goes to bars and drinks a lot and gets in fights and sometimes has to go to jail" so we talked about that a lot and as she got older (and it became more apparent that bio mom was not going to get it together), we elaborated, in simple, non judgmental terms. Also, school helped since they have D.A.R.E. and other anti drug programs from Kindergarten now!

I believe strongly in letting the kids know (in as age appropriate way as possible) what is going on. I wanted them to know that they could rely on me to be up front with them, not to lie to them, especially with my older son (now 12, then 9) b/c it is their lives and they were already aware of what was going on. When my DD was 5 or so she said to me one day, out of the blue, very matter-of-factly: "I don't think my mom is ever going to get it together, I think I will just stay with you for ever".

One plus from all of this is that at this stage (and, believe me, I will be doing everything I can to perpetuate it ) both kids, especially the younger one, are VERY anti drugs and drinking, even smoking cigarettes

[luvmylittlegirls]

Thanks for the thoughts and input everyone.

She hasn't asked (yet) the specifics of WHY. But, the *way* she's asking questions about her adoption and b-mom leads me to believe that the big "why" questions are around the corner. Does that make sense? It's just a gut feeling with me.

I worry about equating sickness with drug abuse for the same reasons that other posters have mentioned. I get sick sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to place her with another family.

I also worry that if I use the word "drug" (as in, "Your birthmom used drugs. People who use drugs cannot take good care of children.") that she'll equate "drugs" (ie meth) with safe drugs that the doctor prescribes.


Think it would scar her for life if I just said, "That's a really good question, and I'm glad you asked. But, I'm not sure how to explain that to you right now."

[luvmylittlegirls]

Regarding OA... we're in an open adoption, but b-mom is not responding to my e-mails, so I'm not sure what's up with her. I know she's doing better overall. Maybe she just needs a break?

I'm not sure if our relationship is strong enough to handle the "Why did you use drugs after DD was born?" talk.

I think that there's still an irrational part of me that's mad at her for being an addict. I'm sure she's pretty mad at herself. This isn't the life she wanted, the situation she dreamed of when she was pregnant. No little girl dreams of making the mistakes she made and being a birthmom when she grows up.

And now I have gone on a tangent, so I think I'll stop.

[bethy724]

My (foster/adopt) son's bio dad is in prison for life for beating his 1/2 sibling to death - I fear the day he asks for details but at his age (4) his MD said to tell him his bio dad was mentally sick & is in a place where he can get help but loves you very much-period- that's all he needs to know if he asks-he hasn't asked anything & is happy with "you have a tummy mommy & bio dad that love you so much & God put us together to be a family." I also have a picture of him w/ birth parents at 2 months old that we look at & he is satisfied with my explaination of "how many people love YOU!!!geez-lucky boy"

Mental ilness & drug addiction is a sickness & it's not a lie to say the level of a persons sickness can render them unable to care for children-but they still had love for their child. I wouldn't give more info than you are comfortable with & also ask your childs MD - they know her personality & probably have been asked tough questions in the past.

[aclee]

I think that drugs are a sickness and can be explained that she was sick, but glossing over the drug part isn't the truth. I think she could then fear that plain old, gotta cold sick is the same thing. I think more drug lead to sickness lead to poor choices, leads to bmom deciding DD should be adopted...leads to bmom starting to make good choices and getting better leads to where she is now sort of approach.

I'm sure that made so much sense right?