[gottahavehope]

Salon Mothers Who Think | Stalked by my birth mother

What do you all think about this?

I love the fact that the adoptee admits that not ALL adoptees are these wounded creatures just dying to know their biological parents. When I read how intense some b-moms are, needing contact, wanting to be called Mommy, wanting their child, who they really don't know, to love them, it always makes me feel so sorry for them. I think that intensity and belief that there will be an instant connection is sort of scary. Cool when it happens, but freaky when it is just expected. Just my opinion, tho.

[Wendy645]

That was a really good article! Thank you for sharing.

As a birth sibling, I can't help but wonder so many things: like does my brother even know? That's what scares me about searching; I don't want to upset him or freak him out by finding him. Then again I'm not that obsessive LOL

[court5505]

That article was very interesting. I have a good friend who went through something similar with her birthfather and eventually had to cut ties with him because he was too smothering and wouldn't respect her wishes for space. I'm sure that it can go either way. It's too bad that people (birthparents, aparents and adoptees) don't always understand boundaries.

[JustPeachy]

Interesting article, but kind of got me wondering. I would never be like the bmom in that article, but I have gotten rather wordy in my update letters (not in a crazy way, but I wonder now if I say too much or express too much emotion). I hope I do not put off my birth child in these communications! I cannot tell if things I write make him uncomfortable at this point. Oh well, I can only hope I come across as pretty normal and not a stalker!

[aclee]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

Interesting article, but kind of got me wondering. I would never be like the bmom in that article, but I have gotten rather wordy in my update letters (not in a crazy way, but I wonder now if I say too much or express too much emotion). I hope I do not put off my birth child in these communications! I cannot tell if things I write make him uncomfortable at this point. Oh well, I can only hope I come across as pretty normal and not a stalker!

It sounds to me like this bmom was given a lot of indications that the contact was too intense. It also sounds like a large difficultly for this adoptee was not knowing if this really was her bmom. I hope the bmom in this story is able to get the counseling she clearly needs and maybe wasn't offered before.

I also had never heard that there are some bmom's that work against opening records. I thought it was bmoms/adoptees working towards it, and more aparents working against it. That is interesting to me.

[kelceesmom]

Wow that is a powerful story. It is sad to read that a person, know matter what part of the triad, has that much difficulty dealing at times.

[RavenSong]

Interesting story, but I think I liked the "Related Salon Story" at the end of the article better ~ the one entitled, "The Baby Girl I Gave Away." The link is Salon Mothers Who Think | The baby girl I gave away. If you read it, be sure to click on "Part 2" and "Part 3" at the top of the story. Part 1 is written by a bmom, Part 2 is written by her bdaughter, and Part 3 is written by the bdaughter's amom.

Do people really assume that adoptees who search for their birthparents are "wounded"? I guess I don't understand how curiosity and a desire to know one's origins can be mistaken for woundedness...

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by aclee

I also had never heard that there are some bmom's that work against opening records. I thought it was bmoms/adoptees working towards it, and more aparents working against it. That is interesting to me.

It's actually the National Council for Adoption. They have found a handful of birthmoms afraid of contact and are exploiting them. NCFA representitives are the ones that show up at hearings and speak for these birthmoms. No one knows how many there really are. It could be two for all we know.

[tanmansmom]

I don't think of them as wounded. As TJ's mother, I want to protect him from ANYTHING that hurts him in any way. The thought that he may feel a part of himself missing due to his adoption breaks my heart. I totally understand the curiosity, I would be curious too. After reading that story, I am counting our blessings for the woman who gave TJ life and us love!!

[gottahavehope]

I think there can be a big difference between having an interest in knowing your history, roots, biological connections, and wanting to take on a close relationship with the biological mother who placed you. I think the children who often don't search, or search for info without wanting to invest in a deep relationship are often being labeled lost, or wounded. Many people have no need to search. Many people feel intruded upon because someone comes looking for them. This does happen on both sides. There are actually bithmothers who do not want the records openend. Personally, that is frustrating to me. I would hate to think my son could not get access to his personal story, but I can understand the fear some might have in allowing that info out there. They do not want to be found. It isn't all propoganda by the adoption council. But, not surprised some would try to play it off that way. I think some people confuse the two ideas of non-curiosity, or lack of emotional investment with biological family, with some metaphorical wound. The person who doesn't need to search is considered to be out of touch with their emotions, or "drinking the kool-aide. I think that is so offensive. I'm always happy when there is an article that supports the idea of an adoptee not wanting contact for their own personal reasons, but still being really together and healthy. I think there does need to be some provisions made for women who chose adoption but don't want to lose their annonimity, even if it's only two of them. ha-ha!

[Wendy645]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

Interesting story, but I think I liked the "Related Salon Story" at the end of the article better ~ the one entitled, "The Baby Girl I Gave Away." The link is Salon Mothers Who Think | The baby girl I gave away. If you read it, be sure to click on "Part 2" and "Part 3" at the top of the story. Part 1 is written by a bmom, Part 2 is written by her bdaughter, and Part 3 is written by the bdaughter's amom.

Do people really assume that adoptees who search for their birthparents are "wounded"? I guess I don't understand how curiosity and a desire to know one's origins can be mistaken for woundedness...

Wow, Raven, thank you for pointing that out! I enjoyed that series a lot. It helped give me more of a feel for what it might be like for my brother and his a-mom. :-)

[Oceans]

I can see both arguments on the opening records issue, I also understand opening them up for the adoptee only (one way). Honestly, I'm a bit torn. For me, the actual process of the search helped me identify some issues that I didn't even know were there. That said, it is only my experience and unfair to those who have been searching for YEARS. What bothers me MOST about this issue is that the few end up dictating what the vast majority (apparently) want. Call me democratic but that really gets to me...

I think the saddest part about this story is that no one will ever know what could have been if this bmom had handled reunion at little bit better. From what I have read (and a little of my own experience) adoptees want contact for a variety of reasons, none of those reasons guarantee a relationship. That comes with time and who knows what time would have brought to these two people.

As far as thinking that adoptee's are wounded b/c they do (or even don't) want contact... Blech!!! That's ridiculous - I'm with Raven on that one....