[mommy3]

Just wanted to support your adoption plans, as well. Sounds like you've gotten the beginnings of a plan going -- do keep working on this. Because I was naive (thankfully) when we first adopted, I didn't realize that some of our health issues, age (mine, plus I'm much older than my husband) and other issues might have ceased our chances for international and some independent adoption. Our agency is very open minded and works with "all sorts of families" (even us) and welcomed us with positive comments and support. Now, I realize, our unique situations might have made it difficult elsewhere, but not through our agency. I agree with "Never say never". I'd have been like you, it'd be hard to have not adopted if I had known my dh's issues were the reason. Marriage can be challenging enough without those pressures as well. Best of luck as you keep moving forward -- feel free to pm me if I can help. susan

[rtsmom]

We required criminal record checks but were never fingerprinted.

I'm assuming arrests do not count on criminal record checks, if your husband has never been convicted of a crime.

Janet

[mrskt]

Adoption Specialist for the State of Arkansas chiming in...

How long ago was he arrested?
What was the outcome at court?

That could make a big difference. If it was a recent arrest - ie within the past few years - it could be a problem. But if it was 10 years ago, it might not. Most states have a means to do an "alternative compliance" for potential foster and adoptive parents who have a minor indiscretion preventing them from passing. This means that a high up official in the central office signs off on a homestudy that shows that the family is appropriate otherwise, with an explanation of the past issue and the steps taken to resolve it.

If he wasn't convicted, is he still floating in the court system, or did they dismiss or "null-prost" the charges? This too could make a difference.

HTH,
Katy

[aallen25]

We also did not have to do a homestudy...adoption was finalized this past December. In our state (Georgia) if you do a private adoption you are not required to complete a homestudy.

[iwanttobeamom]

Hey Abby,

Im in the exact same situtation as you it seems.... somthing stupid and false on my husbands record that he was never convicted of has completly destroyed our chances of adoptiong. I was told no country would accept a domestic arrest. We were officially denied yesterday and I am completly devestated. There were no charges, just the arrest... and the report even says, there was no crime, no injury, no evidnce, but that we both claimed we fought.(a lie) So stupid.... but I cant have children, and now we cant adopt... I just want to die. And I cant imagine a worse life sentance for someone dying to be a mother and have a family. But I know this will completly destroy our marraige as we both really wanted a family... so its going to be a double loss. I am just completly devestated and have been crying since yesterday morning. The sad thing is I KNOW we would pass a homestudy becuase we get along so well together and have such a great relationship if it wernt for the arrest. Its just so ironic... I was adopted myself and couldnt wait to raise a child, but now I feel like I've been predestined to live a miserable lonly life. The harder I hope and pray for somthing, the worse it gets screwed up, and farther away from being possible. I wish you luck and if you find and agency that is flexable please let me know, becuase right now I have no more hope....

[mrskt]

iwanttobeamom -

Have you tried talking to your county office about fostering to adopt??? Sometimes the rules are more lenient there, and an alternative compliance can be requested from the central office for some infractions...

Good luck!
Katy

[Abbe]

iwanttobeamom -

After intensive research and feedback on this forum, I've come to this conclusion: I'm hellbent on being a mom and nothing will stop me. If I stay in that frame of mind, I'll stop resenting my husband and stop thinking negative and start doing whatever I have to do to have a family.

Here are some suggestions - some may sound crazy but you gotta do what you gotta do. You have to go the domestic route. First, find an adoption lawyer who is on your side, takes the time to talk to you and who you totally connect with, because they'll give you hope. You might have to call around until you find one that you like but they've heard it all and you will find one.

The other thing you need to try to do is get the charges expunged. That's the word of the day in our house lately. Call a criminal lawyer and see if it can be done. The charges may still come up on the background check but at least if it's expunged, it looks better.

Then you find an agency who will do the homestudy (the adoption lawyer will tell you who may work with you, get the referral from the lawyer). They'll tell you what you need to do, extra classes, therapy, whatever it is that you need to do to pass the homestudy, you have to do it. Hopefully, you'll find a social worker who will meet you and like you and will approve you.

Here's another crazy one, and this came from the adoption lawyer believe it or not: You can divorce your husband, adopt as a single mom and then re-marry.

So if you really love your husband and want to stay together, don't let this destroy your marriage. Stay strong and figure out how you're going to do this and keep telling yourselves when you see children or families that this will be you one day.

I totally can feel what you're going through. It's so frustrating to see people that aren't such great parents or take it for granted when you know you'd appreciate your child even more because of all this and you'd be such awesome parents.

Don't give up yet.

Abby

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by Abbe

Here's another crazy one, and this came from the adoption lawyer believe it or not: You can divorce your husband, adopt as a single mom and then re-marry.

You would have to not live with your husband too, because the homestudy encompasses everyone living in the home that the child will join, including criminal record checks.

Janet

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Abbe

Here's another crazy one, and this came from the adoption lawyer believe it or not: You can divorce your husband, adopt as a single mom and then re-marry.

I'm surprised that your attorney would suggest this because although this seems like a solution, it smacks of problems...

First off, you would be going through a homestudy as a freshly divorded woman, and there would be plenty of questions as to this, which would all need answering. If you told the truth, chances are they may not approve your homestudy...and if you're less than truthful, well, that's not really ethical or fair to the women who are considering you as a mother for their child.

If you do evade the questions but intend on being honest with the expectant mom, she may wonder if there is anything else you are being less than honest about...and chances are try to find a different couple.

Like I said, it's surprising to hear that, and I'd really think long and hard before considering an adoption attorney who offers such advice.

Hopefully you and your DH can get everything taken care of. Good luck to you.

[sadie427]

No expert here, but just to point out that our agency asks that we disclose any arrest, not just conviction, before the criminal background check. We had some very minor things that won't keep us from adoption (peaceful civil disobedience over 10 years ago, also a TSA fine for a picnic knife accidentally placed in a carry-on) that we disclosed, not knowing if they would show up on the background check or not. They did not, but we are still expected to provide full official details of them, including how they were resolved. And for our agency, if you do not disclose, and then they do show up on the background check, that is much more serious and might keep you from adoption in itself.

I would consult with a lawyer (maybe a criminal lawyer as well as an adoption attorney) if you have not already.

[Asha0314]

Maybe I'm being naive here but...
If it came to a divorce, I'd be totally honest in explaining the divorce. If the situation described truly led to the breakdown of the marriage, why should a person be expected to stay in a miserable marriage for any reason? How many infertile women do adoption agencies encounter? They know very well how traumatic infertility is and the role it plays in adoption. I believe there is a chance that honesty about the situation might work.

And that is not to say that they same couple may later remarry–that is also known to happen for many different reasons.

In any event, I do wish you the best.

[MamaS]

I DID ADOPT WITHOUT A HOMESTUDY. I adopted the child of a relative in a private adoption. I got temporary custody at 18 months, then permanent custody at 24 months, then the bparents were TPR'd and he was legally adopted at 36 months. I NEVER had a homestudy, a visit from CPS workers or fingerprints.
However, I did have something unusual happen last week, which I posted elsewhere and will post again here.
"I got a phone call from CPS -- the first I have heard from them in five years. They wanted to schedule the annual review of placement. "What review?" I asked.
"Well, you know there has to be a review every year, even though the judge awarded you permanant custody. You have to come in for an interview and bring shot records, school records, tax records, etc."
I told them I knew nothing about a review, there had never been a review or any call from a CPS worker in the years I have had him -- and by the way, his adoption was finalized two years ago!
THe CPS worker assured me that it COULD NOT BE, I was mistaken. (Like we wouldn't know the difference between adoption and immunization maybe? Right?\!) I had to give her my lawyer's name, and the case number of the adoption hearing so she could verify it. Also told her to check out his new birth certificate and his new social security card -- both obtained with his legal adoption decree.
Just makes you feel that the caseworkers are really looking after the kids they are assigned, doesn't it?"

[Abbe]

I was trying to be objective to "iwanttobeamom" and give her every possible scenario without putting my personal feelings into it, but I actually added then deleted a comment about how the divorce option will not work for us personally. For one reason - I'm honest to a fault and I've consciously waited to find the right man to marry, even though all my friends were getting married and having babies and I knew I should hurry because I knew I couldn't get pregnant but I felt very strongly about finding true love first, then becoming parents. I never wanted to raise a child unless I had my soulmate with me and I didn't care how long it took to find him because my inner voice kept telling me that he's out there for me. I was right and although I've lived all over the country, I came home and married a guy who I dated in high school and we always had a connection.

Sorry if it's TMI and I'm going off on a tangent, but my point to "iwanttobeamom" is that if you pick up the pieces after the one or two-day crying sessions and get a strong, positive attitude, it can happen.

I know in my heart that my husband & I would have such a emotionally healthy and happy family and call me idealistic but I have faith and what goes around comes around so I don't feel I need to take the divorce route because to me, it's not the most ethical way and I'd always be scared that karma would bite me in the butt and make my baby pop out with three heads or something. But she sounded so desparate and she mentioned that her marriage was being destroyed by this so I reacted to that and that was the last resort option and you never know, maybe it would work for them and they'd end up happy.

I'm extremely frustrated at this whole process because the best judge is not on paper, it's reality and if the homestudy people could take a video of our life or follow us around for a few days, we'd pass with flying colors.

Abby

[iwanttobeamom]

Abby,

Thanks so all the advice... I feel the exact same way. I am completly hellbent on becoming a mother, and I KNOW that if and agency were to follow us around they would see we are a completly normal family!

I am such a normal straight edge person I cant believe this is happening to us! lol not only have I never be in trouble with the law i never even had a dentention back in school. But I dont get any extra points for being extra good. So far agencies keep saying there is nothing they can do but one recocomed that getting the arrest expunged would open up some doors so that is what were about to do. Even if it dosnt open up the right doors, I STILL dont want that stupid arrest on my poor husbands reccord. Becasue that is NOT HIM! That doesnt reflect him at all.