[Stormster]

I saw on DS's myspace page that she was upset yesterday. I don't want to put the exact words for obvious reasons but clearly she didn't get the calls she hoped for on mothers day.

Now I know DS is only one of several kids that don't live with her but I feel horrible. I don't really want to start a precedent and I am very attentive in other ways so why do I feel so thoughtless?

I know we discussed birthmothers day but is it common for birthmothers in open adoptions expect something on mothers day?

I actually wrote her a post after I saw that saying Happy Mothers Day but she's been horribly depressed and I could have just made her smile earlier in the day. I feel like she counts on me to do the right thing. I don't really want to hear how co-dependent I am on her because I am finally in counseling and that is one of the things I'm dealing with on my own.

But do you think she expected more? I do. Ugh. I wanted mothers day to be just for me but maybe I was being selfish. Really, what's the big deal...to make her smile when she's clearly in terrible shape right now. I know I know it's not MY problem but being a thoughtful human being is something I think about. Esp. now that I know what it feels like to be a mother. PS I was only on her myspace page because she sent ME a card that was linked through there.

[EZ2Luv]

No you are not being selfish at all IMO. It isn't your responsibility to fix her. Obviously she needs to work out her issues without placing expectations on others or you.

I know I know it is mother's day and all but seriously all these Hallmark holidays only serve to set people up for outrageous expectations.

The facts are YOU are a Mother, it is YOUR day.

Yes she gave birth to your son but she is NOT parenting him so IMO all bets are off the day she signed him over. Open adoption or not.

Please don't let guilt overtake you. When your son is older he himself can decide what he wants to do on these holidays when it comes to calls, cards or gift Birthdays are different, because everybody has them and we all probably aknowledge friends and family on their special day.

I know that you care for your son's bmom and that is fine, but to get to the point of worry beecause she is haviing a bad day is a big responsibility to put upon yourself.

Let me ask you this hypothetically. What happens if one day when your son is older that he does not choose to send his Bmom a card, gift orcall her? Would you still feel obligated? Mother's day is a day to cellebrate our mothers. While this is your son's bmom, she is not YOUR mother. End of story.

you are a very caring woman, that is obvious. Even still the girl needs to work her issues and expectations out on her own. Maybe down the road you can send her a little pick me up note, but to direct it to mother's day expectations that she has is a bit much. It is YOUR day as Mother, I hope you had a great one.

EZ

[Stormster]

Those are all the thoughts I had initially but then I got guilty. That's the problem with knowing every mood on My Space! She knows how to make me react and pay attention when she's lonely but it's not fair to me. It's a little controlling to me. Shrink session in 32 minutes!!!!!

[gottahavehope]

I went through something really similar. I had to let it go. The whole first year I parented my son, I also tried to fix the pain of his birthmother. It was totally unfair on her part and actually very selfish of her to keep dumping it all on me. It clouded alot of my happiness. Finally, my husband got me to see that I was not fully enjoying being a mother because of the stupid guilt. Ultimately, it ended with our son's birthmother hating me, when I put my foot down and told her that I was not the one she should be sharing her grief and anger with. But, I have no regrets.

If she sent you over there knowing there was that negative stuff, that is sort of manipulative.

You really are not responsible for her grief. Is she in counseling? Is she stepping up and taking responsibility? I hope so.

What do you have to feel guilty about? It was her choice. Are you going to spend the rest of our life worrying that your happiness causes her saddness? What kind of mother will that make you for your son?
It's not healthy.

[crick]

While it does sound a bit manipulative to link you a card through her site where she knew you'd likely see her posts on depression etc., maybe she is afraid to ask anything of you? Sounds like both of you are a bit afraid to communicate on some things. Which I'm sure is hard, trying to figure out the way you both want the open adoption to go.

I think sending a card to remember her for Mother's Day is a good idea. Doesn't mean it would take away anything from you on your day with your son. You could mail it on Friday or something like that. (maybe next year I mean) It is your day to be celebrated with your son, and no reason to feel guilty for getting that day. That's not your issue to deal with...her pain, I mean but taking charge of her pain and acknowledging it or being empathetic are two different things. Doesn't need to overshadow your day or place.

Just my observance from years of being on here, but the 1st year is really difficult for both of you, just different reasons. Give yourself time to work things out and adjust to how your relationship will grow.

[mommy3]

My thoughts on Mother's Day as we celebrate it -- We always send cards to our two children's birthmothers on Mother's Day with a msg of love and honor included. That's the day we celebrate with both of them. Personally, I love sharing the day, since they are the women who allowed me to be a mom to my two youngest children. I always have to take a while at Hallmark to find that right card, but there are always ones for "someone special" that end up perfect. I make sure they arrive in time for the day so that our msg is there with them on Sunday. Each time, I get a sweet msg back, saying how they always keep us in their hearts, too. They've liked the Mother's Day notion (rather than Birthmother's Day) and, for me, they are our children's mothers, too. Just my 2 cents. susan

[sbaglio]

We sent a "Thinking of You" card to DD's bmom, and she really appreciated it. While I agree that it is not your responsibility to heal her pain, I agree with mommy3 in that she is your child's bmom, so showing her some compassion at this difficult time is not inconsiderate. Perhaps, as has been mentioned, she did not know how to show you that she was hurting, and the choice she made ended up being an erroneous one (for you). I would consider some small token next year, and it doesn't have to be a Mother's Day card, per se. JMO.

[browneyes0707]

I didn't expect to be acknowleged on Mother's Day by my DD's a mom, tho since I did send her a card,(purposely on Sat, in case she was sensitive about getting it on Sun) I would have liked her just to thank me for thinking of her. But I didn't do it looking for some reaction, I did it because she is an amazing mom and she deserves the recognition. I fully expected her not to reciprocate.

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

The facts are YOU are a Mother, it is YOUR day.

Yes she gave birth to your son but she is NOT parenting him so IMO all bets are off the day she signed him over. Open adoption or not.

However, my myspace said that I was melancholy yesterday and the above is an example of why. I'm sorry, but I AM a mom. I might not have chosen to keep my legal rights to parent my daughter, but that does not make the fact that I am a mom go away. It did not end the day I signed TPR. And while I didn't expect DD's a-mom to acknowledge my motherhood, very few did. Not my friends who know about DD, not Hallmark, not TV or radio or society. The people that did acknowledge me were my friends here in the triad who "get it". Not everyone does, to know that we are moms, but without the physical custody of a child somehow it doesn't count. I am in full agreeance with the fact that this is a Hallmark holiday, but when Hallmark makes such a big deal over it that it permeates every aspect of media and social culture, but they can't even create a card to honor a birthmother, that to me says it all. And though its 16 years later for me it hurts, let me tell you.

Stormster: correct me if I'm wrong, it's your DS's first mothers day after having E? It's normal for her to feel sad, she might not even know exactly why she felt sad. Myspace is not always the perfect indicator of what someone's mood is (sometimes I don't change mine for days, LOL) but the fact that you recognize that she could have been sad over the day and sent quick thoughts was very thoughtful of you. Even if she wasn't sad over adoption, I'm sure it made her feel better to hear from you. I agree with the others that it's not your responsibility to heal her pain, and that is why I personally keep my pain to myself (and throw it all your way, LOL!) Maybe she wanted you to take notice in an indirect way, I don't know. She didn't go about it the right way.

Trust me, little things make a BIG difference. You did good, no need to feel guilty Hopefully, she'll find a way to deal with her emotions more constructively. You should not change how you celebrate to appease anyone. You can still send a little "thinking of you" and continue to celebrate your motherhood with your family. They don't have to be mutually exclusive, KWIM?

[Oceans]

Brown - Well said on all points. Thank you!

I am editing to add a thought here: As someone who pretty much dealt with all her bmom grief (many years ago) there is a difference between that and what I feel on Mother's Day and birthdays. I just didn't want anyone thinking they are the same issue... My feeling is that they are not.

[rtsmom]

IMHO, the only mother you need to acknowledge on Mothers' Day is your own mother. Your child's bmother isn't your mom, so why would you feel obligated to wish her a Happy Mothers' Day?

When your son is old enough, if he wants to wish his bmom a Happy Mothers' Day, that's up to him. It's not your issue and I totally get why you resist setting that precedent. You have nothing to feel guilty about, IMO.

Janet

[Oceans]

rtsmom: Do you acknowledge your friends who are Mom's? I'm not trying to be argumentative just show another side of the coin. I personally do... My BFF always gets a card from me on Mother's Day... She's a great mom.

Also, with that line of thinking, you wouldn't get a card either... and hubby would be sleeping on the couch!! lol

[rtsmom]

No, I don't buy Mothers' Day cards/gifts for my friends who are moms. I don't even acknowledge my MIL on Mothers' Day (she lives far away from us). That's up to my husband.

My mother has been an amazing mom and I choose to honour her alone on Mothers' Day. If people ask my husband what he got me or did for me for Mothers' Day his response is usually, "She's not my mom."

I guess I've had enough Mothers' Days (22) that I've learned to not get as emotionally invested in the day as I used to. :-)

Janet

[EZ2Luv]

rtsmom,
That is EXACTLY how I feel. the thing is Hallmark makes these Mother's day cards for just about everyone. The way I feel is on mother's day the ONLY woman I honour is my mother.

I also would like to add that this does not mean that a Bmom is not a mother, just not the OPs mother.
It appears that the OP is easily guilted and that is very normal when you are grateful to someone for something In this case DS. However there absolutely MUST be boundries set because if not you will be having guilt feelings forever. It is just not fair to the OP who I am sure is very kind and considerate to her son's Bmom.

EZ

[BrandyHagz]

Stormster, I won't reply to your question - because honestly, I think it's a personal decision between the two of you, based on your relationship. I will say you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy...it may create a strain on the friendship/relationship.

I do want to comment on the 'obligation' issue though, because this kinda freaks me out!

First, I have to admit that I did send M's mom a note wishing her a happy mothers day. This is a hard one for her, given certain circumstances going on in her life. I didn't call, because I don't want to disrupt her on her day (she lives with her mom right now and I know they had a lot going on).

M and her mom, however, did call me. I hope against hope that they did so because they wanted to, not because they felt obligated to. I think that would literally break my heart into a million tiny pieces if I found out we were just 'going through the motions' rather than doing what we wanted to do, regardless of how others may or may not feel regarding the matter.

S (M's mom) and I have talked a lot about the 'mother' thing in our relationship - mostly because M has called me mom for a while now. Last year, when this all came up, I ask S how it made her feel and her response to me was that M has two mothers, one that gave birth to her and one that is raising her. I will admit, for a long time, this made me really uncomfortable - but as time has passed, I've started to understand it a bit more. I also realize that not everyone feels 'open' to sharing the title of mother - and again, I think it's a personal thing which should be left up to the parties involved.

I don't know what I am getting at really - I guess basically that relationships built out of obligation usually become unhealthy (meaning, if becomes more like work and the value of the relationship is devalued).

If I had one piece of advice for anyone involved in open adoption - that advice would be that relationships are built on communication, the better the communication, the stronger the relationship. Look at your marriage for instance. If you want to build a strong and healthy relationship with anyone, one of the first steps is opening those lines of communication, even when the topic is hard (like setting boundaries etc).

And now...I'm off to take some of my own advice - isn't it great when you work these things out...LOL

[ETA: I guess each person is different, I went to the mail box today and had 4 cards, from 4 people who aren't my children...(I didn't send any to anyone) - so I guess it all comes down to what your 'normal' is.]

[Oceans]

rtsmom

If people ask my husband what he got me or did for me for Mothers' Day his response is usually, "She's not my mom."

LOLOL Then fair enough He can do dishes on Father's day...