[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

rtsmom,
That is EXACTLY how I feel. the thing is Hallmark makes these Mother's day cards for just about everyone. The way I feel is on mother's day the ONLY woman I honour is my mother.

I also would like to add that this does not mean that a Bmom is not a mother, just not the OPs mother.
It appears that the OP is easily guilted and that is very normal when you are grateful to someone for something In this case DS. However there absolutely MUST be boundries set because if not you will be having guilt feelings forever. It is just not fair to the OP who I am sure is very kind and considerate to her son's Bmom.

EZ

Fair enough E. I must have misread what you meant

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

the thing is Hallmark makes these Mother's day cards for just about everyone. The way I feel is on mother's day the ONLY woman I honour is my mother.EZ

My MIL used to try to guilt me into acknowledging her on Mothers' Day (or perhaps it was to get me to try to guilt my husband into being more attentive to her?) by sending ME a Happy Mothers' Day card. A Hallmark card for a daughter-in-law on Mothers' Day. Sheesh!

I didn't take the bait. If my husband forgets his mom on Mothers' Day, that's between them. Don't drag me into it! :-)

Janet

[Stormster]

Brandy I totally hear you on that. To be honest on DS's birthmother's birthday it really really came from my heart...I was so happy and excited to send her a special small gift and card that we made ourselves.

And I feel the same way about his first bday. I can't wait to do something special for her.

If I were to do anything on mothers day moving forward it would not be for the same reasons. But is it so wrong to do something for the other person because you know they get depressed on that day?

We all do things out of obligation. DH is really into our anniversary. I couldn't care less but I participate in it for him.

I am really picking up what you are putting down but I think if the flavor of the relationship is obligation that is different than just considering sending a card an obligation. I think.

Anyway to the previous poster (too tired to look) who said OP is easily guilted or something to that effect OUCH but yeah and we are working on that. Also working on being a "pleaser" which apparently I am. Therapy is a joy joy joy. I'm amazed I'm 9 months into a complicated open adoption without it. This site saved us mucho dinero!

Edited to add: I don't know why to me his birthday is a day to honor her. Is that common? It just feels right to me, the day she gave birth to him. So much gratitude flying around on that day I think!

Oh and yes this was the first M.D. since placement. Still I wanted to be consistent with her whether or not it is the first.

[Vogi2002]

Hmmm...well I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Honestly Storm - I think that is good that you say what you want and you need FOR YOU.

At the same time, I do think sometimes we do things for people for THEM, not because we want or like to. Because you know it will mean so much more to them than it would for us to do it. KWIM? I think I got this from your last post. I think once you see what it means to her...you will start to really enjoy it too.

Anyways, it is sometimes hard to be an adoptive parent, it's HARD to be the one who is supposed to do the right thing all the time. **hugs**

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Stormster

If I were to do anything on mothers day moving forward it would not be for the same reasons. But is it so wrong to do something for the other person because you know they get depressed on that day?

Stormster, I don't think it's wrong at all to want to brighten up someone's day if you think they may be having a hard time. There are so many things we all do (hopefully) for other people out of kindness, not obligation. I mean, we aren't obligated to take food to a sick neighbor or offer to babysit their kids, but many of us do. Several years ago, one of my neighbors underwent several rounds of chemotherapy...she was so debilitated from it. Her husband had to work and was worried about leaving her alone. So our neighborhood pulled together, and we came up with a schedule so that one of us would always be in her home during the day. We didn't have to do it...we certainly weren't obligated to take care of her. But we did it because we cared for her as a fellow human being.

Originally Posted by Stormster

I don't know why to me his birthday is a day to honor her. Is that common? It just feels right to me, the day she gave birth to him. So much gratitude flying around on that day I think!

Stormster, I think wanting to honor her on your son's birthday is totally normal. And I also think you're an awesome mommie who just happens to have a very big heart!

[paigeturner]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I don't know why to me his birthday is a day to honor her. Is that common? It just feels right to me, the day she gave birth to him. So much gratitude flying around on that day I think!

Actually I understand this. I have sent my Mom something special on my birthday since I was about 14. It started that year because I had been pestering her to give me a hint about my gifts. I was relentless. Finally, she said, "YOU should be the one giving ME something special!" And, it really stuck with me that she was right!

That year I bought a special rose bush for her. Every year since I've found her something special as a thank you. It really ticked me off when my siblings started doing the same thing years later. My oldest sister even tried to take credit for doing it first, lol!

Anyway, I get it. And, I agree with you, this site has saved me tons of therapy $$$!

[Oceans]

Ok Stormy here's how I see it, in my own words instead of stealing Brown's.

The latter part of your first Mom Day's (not to mention today) was spent feeling crappy and worrying about someone else. That in itself is worth a $2 card, a picture, and a stamp, mailed off the Wednesday before. I wouldn't worry about the politics of adoption so much in this case, I would do what it takes so you can enjoy your day...

So maybe going forward, you can honor her on Bmom's day - and keep Mother's Day for yourself... But avoid feeling bad on your day at all costs.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

At the same time, I do think sometimes we do things for people for THEM, not because we want or like to. Because you know it will mean so much more to them than it would for us to do it. KWIM? I think I got this from your last post. I think once you see what it means to her...you will start to really enjoy it too.

My mother always told me that you should never pass up the opportunity to do something nice for someone. Especially if you know it will have meaning for them. She believes it is God whispering in our ear. So do I.

Real gift-giving is about the recipient. I guess you could call it obligation, but I like to think it is more about nurturing the relationship.

Personally, I gave my kids two very small gifts for Mother's Day. I told them it was an honor to be their mother.

I also sent a card to Matt's mom.

You know, we have always exchanged cards. His mom felt that it was her place to model for him. That sending me a card was showing him how to be respectful. That is the point behind fathers helping their children honor Mom on mother's day. We model for our children. While I respect those who only honor their mom on mother's day, I come from the kind of family that is big on celebrating everyone and everything. We celebrate Paczi Day for goodness sake!

[BrandyHagz]

Stormster,

I think we all have relationships in which we do things because we know it makes the other person feel better - even if it's a pain in the keester for us. You mentioned your husband and the anniversary - I think that's normal (DH and I don't really celebrate anything...it works for us but freaks others out I think).

Sometimes, its just nice to do something nice for someone - but by the same token, you have to WANT to do it - even if you don't want to do it - do you know what I mean? It's not the 'event' that you do it for, it is for the reaction/happiness you create for someone else.

I get what you're saying - and you'll work it out. There are a lot of 'kinks' to iron out in a new relationship...you'll get there - just keep asking the questions and keeping the lines of communication open and honest.