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#1
05-10-2008, 07:11 PM
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For those that have e-mail contact with their children's bparents
I have been thinking a lot about something. M will be getting a laptop at some point for school. She plans to get internet and we hope to be able to communicate with her even more frequently then. She has an adoption support group that she attends in her city, that is a mix of all of the triad. I would love for her to also have a place with a high concentration of bmothers. BUT I'm feeling really selfish. I could tell her about adoption.com, but I don't know if I want to. Maybe she will find it on her own, maybe not.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if she could "find" me here, but I am fairly active. I'm not ashamed about what I've written, but all my back posts, from when we were starting to adopt (about my family, and my concerns about them accepting an AA infant) aren't things I want her to read. Any suggestions? Should I just bite the bullet and tell her about here? Thanks for your input. Course now if I DO tell her, she can read this too....sigh...
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Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/ 10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork! 12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director. 01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane! 01/28/08 - We are on the ground and Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old  01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS! 02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!! 04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW. 05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW. 07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait! Decision to adopt till home with baby in arms ... ~6 months! 
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Adoption Information
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#2
05-10-2008, 07:24 PM
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No real advice, I've often wondered what D's reaction (or his mother's) would be if they came to a.com. I'm obviously NOT anonymous. I think what you could say is that this is a place where people express their deepest fears and emotions (and Joys).
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Blessings! Kathy, Forum moderator for birthfamily healing, recovery, success and Birthparent support Birth mom to D (10/4/72) Mom to J(7/6/76) and S (7/26/78) "Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5) Click hereTo read my story
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#3
05-10-2008, 07:28 PM
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Hmmm, I know what you mean. I have often wanted to mention to DD's a-mom that I have learned so much here, and point her in this direction as well. I have mentioned that I have gottten awesome support online. BUT I have let a lot of myself out here, and it wouldn't take long to figure out who I was. And some of it aint pretty, even though it's just honest vent and struggle!
I would love for her to be able to read and learn from everyone here too, I think it could help her and our relationship, But in the end, I doubt she is interested in seeking out support, and if she was, I think she'd rather find it on her own. And I think it might be best to let M find her own way too, and if it leads her here, well.... deal with it then , KWIM!!! I love that you look out for her tho!
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"I don't know if I could go through it all again For what's the point if you are never free to say This is what I believe This is a part of me No hero, no regrets But only meant to be" -T'Pau 
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#4
05-10-2008, 07:34 PM
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Brown...
I love that you weighed in on this. I almost posted this over in the birthparents section. Anyway, I guess my other concern is that she does find it...I haven't mentioned it, but she clearly could figure out who I was...and is hurt. I WILL find things to worry about I guess right? Ulcers and me are WICKED good friends. I hope that I haven't said anything to hurt her, but at the same time I don't feel like I can post always peaking over my shoulder afraid either. I'm just not a quiet reserved person, and have always spoke my mind. I'll let her find her way. Thanks for not telling me I'm selfish
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Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/ 10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork! 12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director. 01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane! 01/28/08 - We are on the ground and Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old 01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS! 02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!! 04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW. 05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW. 07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait! Decision to adopt till home with baby in arms ... ~6 months!
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#5
05-10-2008, 07:36 PM
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I often wonder what DDs Mom would think if she read all the things I've said as well...she knows that I blog, she knows that I belong to online support groups, and she knows that I'm "thanksgivingmom" since that's also the email address that I use for all adoption related correspondence. So yeah, she'd find me crazy fast.
But at the end of the day, my posts show growth (I think...hope?) and if I may say so, I think yours do too! I know I'm certainly not a judge of who anyone is or where anyone is on their journey, but I always love seeing how we grow and learn and develop through our interactions and relationships. (I hope that comes across the way I mean it too )
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ThanksgivingMOM Community Moderator Safe Haven First Mom in an Open Adoption Blogger: I Should Really Be Working 
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#6
05-10-2008, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
I don't know how you meant it, but I TOOK it as a complement. Thanks! It's a journey for us all for sure.
__________________
Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/ 10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork! 12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director. 01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane! 01/28/08 - We are on the ground and Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old 01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS! 02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!! 04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW. 05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW. 07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait! Decision to adopt till home with baby in arms ... ~6 months!
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#7
05-10-2008, 07:40 PM
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Good, because it definitely was a complement
__________________
ThanksgivingMOM Community Moderator Safe Haven First Mom in an Open Adoption Blogger: I Should Really Be Working
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#8
05-10-2008, 09:20 PM
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Aclee I think you're totally awesome! I always read your posts. But, I think you've hit on something that may concern all sides of the triad. I wonder what my parented children or my husband would think of things I post. I wonder if my son, should I ever get the chance to meet him will think or his parents...
Over the years this forum has been such a godsend to me. But, I don't know if I "knew" anyone posting on here before I started that I would be as candid. A while back I went back and read several of my first posts...boy have my views changed!!!! Postings are not like a conversation, they hang around forever. And, hopefully those that read old, archived posts understand that they are a snapshot of a moment? Not sure if I'm making sense. In other words, I don't have an answer for you because I struggle with the thought of sharing this place myself.
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Paige
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#9
05-11-2008, 06:14 AM
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I think that if she were on this forum not only would you worry about things you've written in the past, but you would censor everything you write in the future. What if you had a falling out with her some day? You would not be able to come here to vent and express yourself to your friends because you would know she could read it and respond to it. You wouldn't want to have a disagreement like that in public. You would effectively lose your support group. She has a support group in her hometown (which is great), but you need support too. If she finds us on her own then I would cross that bridge when she gets here. I personally would keep this for myself though.
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#10
05-11-2008, 07:17 AM
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I guess if my son's mom found this place it would close down the only place I have for support. I don't live in an area where there are support groups for anyone. She lives in an area with adoptive parent support groups. I'd have a difficult time getting what I need from this place.
My birthmom... I don't know if care too much about that...
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Just a woman trying to make her way in the world. First mom to the amazing kiddo and daughter to two amazing moms. 6-24-2008 Caught my first walleye with my dad, I can't out fish him yet, but he won't drive me to the fish either. 7-6-2008 Talked to my firstbrother B for the first time in three years. Now, will he call me like he said he will? 7-9&10-2008 Mom and I remodel my bedroom. Why can't anything in this house be on the plumb?
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#11
05-11-2008, 08:18 AM
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I consider this my 'place'. I know my daughters mother and my own family know where I work (and what I do) - but so far, they have all been respectful of my 'space'.
My daughter's mom does read, when I ask her to read something - or send her a link. Otherwise, to the best of my knowledge, she doesn't read here - but at the same time, I don't say anything here I wouldn't say to her.
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Brandy
Adopted Adult :: Mother First Mother :: Wife In order to know where we're going, we have to understand where we've been.
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#12
05-11-2008, 11:25 AM
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I've thought about it a lot..
The fact that she took the time to seek out a place in her hometown for support (our social worker may or may not have suggested it, I don't know) tells me that she is resourceful enough to seek out support when she needs it. I don't know that she hasn't already found adoption.com anyway. She does seem on the quiet side so I'm not sure if she came here if she would post or not. I have grown in my beliefs, and views, as has my family. I think if she came there would be posts that might upset her, but I know that everyone here can see how much I love and respect her too...so how could she miss that? Overall I think it's my own vulnerability that worries me if she finds this place than anything I've said "about" her. I do consider this "my" place and make myself more open here than other places. I wish I could be selective. There are things here I'm proud off too you know? I wouldn't care if she read those. I wish the archives expired after a certain point too though
__________________
Read about our journey...http://callahancrew.blogspot.com/ 10-11/07 - We complete all our home study visits, requirements, and paperwork! 12/17/07 - Our home study is complete and approved by the agency director. 01/27/08 - We get the call about a baby boy who is less than 24 hours old! We submit and get the call 1 hour later that we were chosen and should get on a plane! 01/28/08 - We are on the ground and Tyler is in our arms! He is less that 48 hours old 01/31/08 - We go to Court, all consents are signed and he's OURS! 02/07/08 - Back home in MA with Tyler!!!! 04/03/08 - 1st post placement visit with our SW. 05/25/08 - 2nd post placement visit with our SW. 07/08 - Final Visit and submit paperwork for finalization! Can't wait! Decision to adopt till home with baby in arms ... ~6 months!
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#13
05-11-2008, 11:42 AM
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An "EM" who was scamming us got onto this site and would comment upon the things I wrote at the same time she was talking to me about adopting her baby (if she was pregnant which I doubt).
It was a total mind game and having her in what I also consider "my space" felt like the hugest violation. I'm not saying she didn't have the right to be here but having her read my posts and then say things to me about them was such a shock and made me super paranoid. If E's birthmother figured out who I am I would never come back here. I'd figure I got what I needed but now my cover is blown and I couldn't possibly continue to participate knowing she was reading my posts.
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 Independently "Matched"/Agency Assisted Domestic OA "Free the child's potential, and you will transform him into the world" Maria Montessori
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#14
05-12-2008, 07:18 AM
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This is part of the reason I stay anonymous here (no real names, no pictures, etc.) I have a good relationship with DS's birthmom, but I have no idea if she's used a.com or not. I haven't suggested it to her but I've thought about it.
I need a place to vent, air concerns, etc. without worrying about hurting her feelings. (That shounds a lot colder than I meant it). Sometimes I need somewhere to let it all out so I can group my thoughts and then talk to her in a normal, caring way. From the other side, I don't know/don't want to know if DS's birthmom is here on a.com. I think she needs the same type of outlet so I haven't ever and tried to look for her here or any online adoption group....
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#15
05-12-2008, 07:36 AM
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i was shocked when
i recieved a pm from someone i hadn't had contact with in 8yrs, i couldnt understand how she found me. i didnt have any picture up then i realized my rirst name was in my profile and its not a very common name and also the state in which i live. i was so in shock i just stared at the screen, i later changed all that info, and when my partner asked y i said because there are things i share there that people who aren't a part of the traid would not understand. i just want to feel free to vent and not have to worry about who may read it
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