[RNB]

As some have read my family has entered an open adoption with another active duty military expectant mother. All had been going exceptionally well with the process until Wednesday. The EM is in her last couple weeks before her due date, so we worked on a birthing plan together, and turned it in this week. All of the sudden, the military hospital pops up with this instruction that goes 100% against the EM's birth plan and our portion of the birth plan.

They are telling us that they cannot allow ANY portion of the adoption to take place on the hospital grounds. Not the exchange of the baby, not the signing of the paperwork, not allowing us to room-in with the baby, nor care for him outside the nursery. The EM's plan was to deliver him, have him cleaned up and returned to her, she says her goodbye, and presents him as her gift to us. That's her plan. Then we would take him to another room, to feed and care for him until he is discharged.

Now they are saying she has to keep and care for him until they are discharged, at which time she can turn him over to us after we all leave the hospital grounds. They also said that if she does not want to care for him in her room, that she can have him put in the nursery, so the staff can care for him until they are both discharged. They have even said we would only be allowed on the ward during visiting hours. It is unreal to expect the EM to care for and further bond with a child that she has already chosen to put up for adptoin. Both our attorney's are livid, but the hospital seems to be sticking to their policy.

We'll see. We have a meeting this afternoon with the heads of Pediatrics, Labor and Delivery, OB/Gyn, hospital legal, and the three of us. They admit that they have never had an adoption so this is new for them. I sure hope she doesn't go into labor before this meeting.

All I know is they have been very successful at taking a beautiful memory in our lives and pouring a dark cloud of stress and grief on it.

Okay, that's it. I'm stepping off my crate now. Thanks for listening. If you are one who prays, please pray for this situation.
RnB

[Gwen72]

That is rediculous! She is the patient and her wishes should be respected. Hopefully you can straighten this out before she goes into labor. I wish you the best!

[startedover]

I guess since it is a military hospital they have VERY different policies but it sounds like discrimination. Good luck.

[HansenFamAZ]

Where is the social worker in all this? There should be guardianship papers signed in front of the hospital social worker that gives you permission to the babies medical records and get medical treatment. Make sure he/she is present in the meeting.

If they are not educated you need to PUSH to educate them. Do not let their ignorance excuse them. Best of luck.

[aclee]

Some hospitals are very hard to deal with regarding adoptions. M wanted Ty released to us, or cradle care. The head nurse stalked into the room (1st they secluded us in a supply closet while we were meeting and wouldn't let us anywhere else on the floor) and said, "Listen, we're releasing this baby to you (pointing to M) because that's the way it's "supposed" to be, and that's MUCH easier for us. You need to carry him down to the lobby, and then you can do whatever your little heart desires with him"...yeah. she said that. THANK GOD that our social worker (who is amazing, wonderful, sweet, etc etc) pulled THAT lady out of the room and "spoke" with her for a few minutes. We found out later that the social worker to her that if SHE (the head nurse) could bark orders like that then the social worker was going to as well...starting with, don't step near M again. In the end, they did release Ty to M, she signed all the paperwork and she actually said, "Well at least this way, I can really hand him over to you"...sweet, amazing, strong M.... Ya think?

Worst case, for your emom...she CAN sign herself out Against Medical Advice. Was she planning to stay there, but have no contact with the baby? That part wasn't clear.

Are there any other hospitals that she could use? If she "accidentally" was closer to another hospital when she went into labor, would she be covered by Military Medical? Not ideal, but it might work better and be faster than fighting the system. The problems is if they give you a hard enough time, for only a couple weeks, they win. You don't have much time to fight this.

I would also look into womens rights to dictate their medical/labor plans. Print everything under the sun on the Internet about medical rights. Bring it all and highlight key points. I would also get the hospital social worker involved and ask questions about the psychology around what they stating. Try and figure out who you can bring in on this meeting that will help you educate regarding the emoms right to dictate her plan. (ANY women should be able to exactly dictate her birth plan!!!!)

best of luck and let us know how it goes!

[gigigeorge]

Our hospital where our oldest son was born said the same thing... until our attorney called them.

Even though emom could not terminate, they attorney had her assign temporary guardianship (for 2 weeks then it would expire but she was still the legal parent) that way the hospital HAD to deal with us.

They were jerks about it but once they realized how much harder they were making it on our emom they were a tiny bit more accomodating to everyone.

gina.

[slugbug0930]

Our little angel was released to our adoption agency clinician and she carried her out the door and then handed her over to us.

The hospital was pretty cool however....they gave us a room to stay in just down the hall from Bmom, gave me the second id braclet (which meant I could be alone with the baby) and we got to keep her in our room with us.

I hope everything gets straightened out in time for you to enjoy your new baby.

[EZ2Luv]

That is so crazy. I know of several surrogates that never had this kind of policy enforced and they too were military and compensated too. That makes no sense. I wish the best for you and that the lawyers are able to work something out.

EZ

[fisbaby]

I would see if she could use another hospital. I know that I have heard the military hospitals are WAY less convenient on these arrangments and I think she should be able to get coverage through another hospital still.

[specialk4b]

My hubby is active duty military and I know that it is difficult to do things against the military norm.

Note I said difficult, not impossible. But you'll have to do your research and probably have the cooperation of the service member to make it happen.

[RNB]

Things took a turn for the worst yesterday. The legal officer for the hospital called me and informed me that the hospital will no longer talk to me. The EM is the patient and that is who they will talk to.

Then he called her and told her "This is how your delivery will go." He proceeded to tell her that she will deliver, keep, and care for the baby until such time as she is released from the hospital, then she can, "Do whatever you want with the baby." They told her that my wife and I would be allowed in the delivery room, but after the baby is born we become regular visitors and must leave the ward at visiting hours.

She is highly upset. Her and my wife were crying and expressing themselves (yelling) most of last night. We have decided to go to a birthing center off base, or if she goes into labor before Monday's appointment we'll just go to the off base ER. They have to take anyone who walks in the door, and they are very willing to accomodate the exchange of the baby. The only downfall is that we may have to pay for the delivery bill (3-5K) out of our pocket.

Monday we will see if her attorney (military) can get the Navy hospital to pay the bill. My attorney doesn't have much say onbase, nor does CPS and the social workers. I called our SW yesterday and she advised us to go to the off base ER. She said they do this all the time there with no problems.

I'll keep you updated. I guess the next thing is just to deliver the baby and do the exchange.

Blessings,
RnB

[live4rachael]

WOW... Our birthmom also delivered on a military installation, who did pretty much whatever she wanted (which included giving us, active duty military, a room right next door). They worked with us exactly and whatever she wanted, they did.

I am so sorry y'all are dealing with this. I know the military doesn't want to do something wrong, but as long as all the legal paperwork and social worker is squared away, it shouldn't be a problem.

[RNB]

EM's Navy lawyer has proven to be a waste of time. He told her yesterday to write a request for an exception to the hospital policy (the one that is not allowing this to happen) so she could get their answer in writing. That way if she tried to file a claim afterwards she has that. Then the insensative lug asked her, "So what's the big deal taking care of the baby for a couple days before you give him up?" Not a good question for her. She does not want to do that.

We also looked into "what if" with regards to going to the local ER or birthing center. If she delivers at the birthing center we have to pay. We're not happy about it, but we are okay with it due to the situation. However, if she goes into complications and they have to rush her to the ER they have told us that we would have to cover 100% of the ER bill as well. That could climb into the 10 thousand plus range quickly.

This just stinks. All because we asked for another room in the Navy hospital where we could care for our new son after she gives him to us. As of now we are have checked her into the birthing center and are praying there are no complications leading to the ER.

Thanks for those who have written in support. IF anyone has done what we are trying to do at a Military hospital, would you mind sending me a message with which military hospital it was? Maybe if this one talked to that one they would stop being so insensative.

Blessings,
RnB

[Prof_Snape]

When we picked up our daughter from the hospital there was an emergency social worker present, making sure everything went smoothly.
The hospital nurses were awesome with us. They treated us with the same compassion and respect as if we were the bio parents. There was one nurse who came in to feed our daughter and completely ignored us. The head nurse told her to "let them feed her". We spent four hours in that nursery while we got comfortable, learning how to swaddle etc..You know the things they do with all mothers. We did not feel rushed , they were so nice.

So don't loose faith, there are compassionate hospital workers out there