[kelceesmom]

Let's open up our Tuesday topic with a discussion.

If you knew your neighbor was currently going thru the homestudy process to adopt and was falsifying info and purposely misleading the social worker, would you feel obligated to report the info or would you stay out of the whole situation, even if it means a child would be coming into a home that isn't presenting itself as true?

[bajj]

As a hypothetical situation, I would like to think I would first go to my neighbor and discuss the issue and if that didn't work, go to the SW.

In real life, I can't say what I'd do. I would like to think that is it. I did have a neighbor before I moved going through the process, but they did not (to my knowledge) falsify info. I felt comfortable enough with them that I know I would have spoken with them first.

I'm not sure if that's what you're looking for! I like to think I'd do what I feel is morally right.

[minibus]

I guess it would depend on what they were falsifying (and how I knew). If it was something that would hurt the child, then I probably would say something. If it was something less, I probably wouldn't. If it was something that they told me ("Ha ha. We told the SW XYZ that's actually ABC."), then I would say something to them. If they didn't "get it", then I would apply the first rule - saying something only if it's harmful to the child.

[thanksgivingmom]

I would have to say something to someone, not sure who yet....definitely if it hurt the child, but also if it was false information that would be presented to eparents deciding which family to place with. Decisions (homestudy approval, matching, etc.) should occur only with the most up to date and accurate information imho. If they're lying on their homestudy it raises two HUGE questions to me: 1. Why?? and 2. What else are they willing to lie about??

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by kelceesmom

Let's open up our Tuesday topic with a discussion.

If you knew your neighbor was currently going thru the homestudy process to adopt and was falsifying info and purposely misleading the social worker, would you feel obligated to report the info or would you stay out of the whole situation, even if it means a child would be coming into a home that isn't presenting itself as true?

It depends on what they were falsifying. If they were hiding the fact that they had a sex offender living in the basement, then yes, I'd say something like: "Hi. I understand you're do the Jones' homestudy. Did you have a chance to meet Mr Smith who lives downstairs?".

Most "big" stuff will come back with the fingerprints (such as domestic violence arrests or other criminal activity). If they were falsifying something that would not harm a child living in their home, then I don't understand how it would be any of my business to step in and try to disrupt their homestudy process. Lies have a way of catching up to people.

[BrandyHagz]

For those of you who indicated that you'd based on the level of harm to the child, I wonder how you'd measure that.

Would, say, lying about a drinking problem constitute ‘potential harm’?

Would knowing that that the couple fights, screaming and yelling every night, be harmful?

If you knew that the mother was cheating on the father or vice versa – would that be harmful?

I know, in the long run – all of these things can be devastating to a child – I just wonder what moral compass users here use to determine ‘harm’ when deciding to report or not.

[thanksgivingmom]

One more thing....I've never done a homestudy, so I'm not sure what sort of things people would even have the opportunity to be lying about...

There have been some examples of what would NOT be okay things to lie about (ex. a sex offender) while the things that would be okay were just vague.

Could anyone give a specific example of what would be an acceptable lie? Just curious

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by thanksgivingmom

Could anyone give a specific example of what would be an acceptable lie? Just curious

When I worked as a nanny, the family was adopting a second child. They put on their application that they were Baptist & Jewish and would be raising the children as christians but with an understanding of judaism as well. They were neither christian nor jewish but atheists. They celebrated Christmas, Easter, Passover, and Hannukah. But they never, ever mentioned God and had a fit when the private nursery school said "grace" before snack.

They were definately dishonest in their homestudy. However, they were also loving and very devoted parents. The kids had a wonderful life while I was with them. They were loved by a huge extended family, took great vacations and had parents who just embraced parenting and took wonderful care of their children. They just weren't christians (or jewish). Stating that they were atheists during homestudy may have limited the number of birth families willing to work with them. Personally, I was appalled. For some birth families, religion isn't important. For others, they may have chosen this family based on their comments about being Christian and wanting their child to grow up in a christian home. However, did I run to the homestudy agency and tattle? No. Do I regret it? No. Who am I to tattle?

No lie is "acceptable". And we are all guilty of lying.
Friend: "I just got my hair permed"
Me: "It looks great" (just like a poodle)

People have a right to conduct their lives as they see fit without the neighbors causing trouble by pointing out every untruth ever told .

[jjsmom3]

When we had our homestudy and were asked about our families, I didn't lie and say my mom and dad were perfect. My mom is needy and my dad is a drinker. I told the truth, but it would have been easy to say they were great.

Maybe that is an example of a situation where someone would lie.

Just my 2 cents.

[minibus]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

For those of you who indicated that you'd based on the level of harm to the child, I wonder how you'd measure that.

Would, say, lying about a drinking problem constitute ‘potential harm’?

Would knowing that that the couple fights, screaming and yelling every night, be harmful?

If you knew that the mother was cheating on the father or vice versa – would that be harmful?

I know, in the long run – all of these things can be devastating to a child – I just wonder what moral compass users here use to determine ‘harm’ when deciding to report or not.

Drinking problem - depends on how I "know" that the adult has a drinking problem - seeing someone come home once drunk? No. Seeing them come home drunk for months? Probably.

Fighting couple - probably not. Not unless it was severely emotionally abusive. People interact with each other differently. A lot of times I feel like DH's family is "yelling" at each other and he tells me that all they're doing is "enthusiastically discussing" - and he's right cause no one else has hurt feelings when they're done.

Cheating - probably not. Not my business. For all I know, they could have an open marriage. One of them could think that the other is cheating, which might be false.


p.s. Good question kelceesmom!!! I like the ones that generate a lot of thought without getting controversial!!

[kelceesmom]

Very good question TGM.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

When I worked as a nanny, the family was adopting a second child. They put on their application that they were Baptist & Jewish and would be raising the children as christians but with an understanding of judaism as well. They were neither christian nor jewish but atheists. They celebrated Christmas, Easter, Passover, and Hannukah. But they never, ever mentioned God and had a fit when the private nursery school said "grace" before snack.

They were definately dishonest in their homestudy. However, they were also loving and very devoted parents. The kids had a wonderful life while I was with them. They were loved by a huge extended family, took great vacations and had parents who just embraced parenting and took wonderful care of their children. They just weren't christians (or jewish). Stating that they were atheists during homestudy may have limited the number of birth families willing to work with them.

Would they not have been approved for a homestudy as atheists? (Seriously, I don't know - do some agencies not approve based on religion?)

Again, out of curiosity - does the lie then continue over to documents for eparents to match with?

If it does then that's where I have a problem. No doubt they may be absolutely wonderful parents no matter what their religious affiliation (or lack thereof!) - I don't question that for one minute. What I do take issue with is my right to select the home environment for my child. If that means I want my child raised Episcopalian because that's how I was raised then that's my right.

So I guess that makes my opinion a little more clear in my head. Yes, I would have to say something, most likely directly to the neighbors, preferably very politely in a discussion about the process.