[hopefulmommie2b]

I usually lurk here, but need some unbiased opinions on our situation. We are really struggling to make a decision.We have been waiting over a year for baby #2, and had an AWFUL failed placement last December that left us heartbroken and out a lot of money. We have been waiting again for 3 months, and now have been chosen by 2 exmoms (why does this happen?), and are having the HARDEST time trying to figure out which to go with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

#1- 35 y/o expectant mom who has place twice before through same adoption attorney...no complications...same expectant dad who will sign. No drugs and manageable expenses. Attorney has a descent reputation, and fees are within our budget. Only downside is expectant mom is bipolar (not a deal breaker for us) and the match will be LONG...she is due late September.

#2- 25 y/o expectant mom living in sober living facility. States she did meth and alcohol before discovering she was pregnant (first month?), but did not enter sober living facility until 5th month of pregnancy...so was she really clean during that time? Family is supportive, expectant dad was a one night stand, attorney says his rights can be terminated. The situation is with an agency that has a less than stellar reputation and a long waiting list...but the fees are about the same as the other situation. Baby due in June, so no long match, but the drug issue bugs us a bit.

If you were given a choice...which would you choose? We adopted our son with the help of an adoption attorney, so not having an agency is not an issue... HELP????

[mdesi]

Honestly, I would go with e-mom #1, but that is w/o having met her. Can you have a face-to-face meeting with both before you decide?

[hopefulmommie2b]

Originally Posted by mdesi

Honestly, I would go with e-mom #1, but that is w/o having met her. Can you have a face-to-face meeting with both before you decide?

Both are out of state, and neither really wants a face to face meeting. We have spoken with #1 on the phone, but both want letters and pictures after placement...no other contact.

[Leigh131313]

The bi-polar would be an absolute NON-issue for me. My mom is bi-polar and she has had 3 children - none of us have any mental illness.

For ME, the drinking would be the issue.

I would definitely be leaning towards #1 tho I would DREAD that long of a wait.

good luck!! I hope you can work your way through this quickly and feel good about your decision

[Linny]

Frankly, I don't see September as being that long of a wait..... It's basically May now........and four months? Well, knowing that she's placed before is a very strong point. The bi-polar wouldn't be that big of an issue, though, like the others, I'd have to say that while the drugs wouldn't be an issue....that alcohol would be a sure red flag for us.

If the agency is less than stellar....that's another red flag too.

We are NOT advocates of 'matching' or 'match-money'......which we'd be asking, ' How much would we stand to lose if something were to happen and we'd not be able to parent this baby?'
THAT would be huge in our home. If the amount is much less in one situation; but more in another, that would be an issue one way or the other.

I wish you well in this decision. I hope whichever situation you chose to deal with, is one that brings a baby to your arms.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Adopted-B-4]

I think from what you wrote, I would say number 1. The bipolar thing wouldn't be an issue and September isn't very long of a wait. But number 2 wouldn't bother me that much either, to be honest. We were matched with a birthmother who had placed 3 of her children and she changed her mind right before she delivered her daughter. Then we were matched with a birthmother who was 19, did meth, heroine, ICE, some pills and other things and almost overdosed while she was pregnant and didn't know. She says she was clean after that incident but at the hospital after giving birth, the nursing staff found her smoking pot in her room. Anyway, that was off the subject, point is, the second bmom placed her daughter with us and even though she was 5 weeks premature is perfect and has met every milestone before she was supposed to. You just don't know.

But not being able to meet them and given the info you have, I would say number 1. Good luck!

[loveajax]

Can you at least talk to both? I think sometimes when you talk to someone you can get a much better sense of a situation and maybe what is best for you. I tend to think that I would have more "concerns" in the second situation but for me the match-placement period was brutal so I can see "worrying" about a long period there.

Btw, we had something similar happen....we were "matched" with DD (our agency SW called and told us that we had been picked from our profile). The next day another agency we were working with called and said two other emoms had selected us. Every "waiting" PAPs dream, right? It was really really HARD and I felt terrible (though I know that we made the right decision). GOOD LUCK!!

[minibus]

I would choose #1, although the waiting would be hard, it seems like a "cleaner" situation (no drugs/alcohol, placed before). The 2nd one would be iffy for me. Good luck in your decision!!

[mama_again]

We have been waiting again for 3 months, and now have been chosen by 2 exmoms (why does this happen?), and are having the HARDEST time trying to figure out which to go with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

It seems that this may be a decision based on faith and prayer for your precious new addition. While #1 may be easier to pick, #2 may be the one that needs the heart of a loving home. For my heart would be tugging for # 2 if reports & u/s would be available beforehand... Praying your decision is easy as it gets closer.

[aclee]

Originally Posted by hopefulmommie2b

#2- The situation is with an agency that has a less than stellar reputation

#1 on that fact alone. You've already lost funds...go with an agency that you trust...clearly NOT the one from #2.

Further, she's placed before (still not a guarentee, but you get that)...September will be here in the blink of an eye. Summer flies by!

[Gwen72]

I think we would go with number one. I would be concerned about the "less than stellar" agency with number 2 and alcohol in the first trimester. Like another poster said, Bipolar is not that big a deal and can be treated if it should occur. Good Luck with whatever you decide!

[Beautyqueen616]

We had a long wait, we found out about our daughter when bio mom was 12 weeks, that was in Feb 07, Kiernan was born 8-11-07!!! It was hard. However we knew the bio mom. In your case the emom #1 has placed 2 other times (which actually confuses me because it's with the same biodad but whatever) I would be more likely to go with that one.

[devildogwife]

Definitely situation number 2. I personally would NOT turn down because of the drugs and alcohol.

[sambob]

#1 sounds good, but I would be really hesitant to officially match so early (still 5 months to go!). Lots of things can happen between now and then. But it does sound good in terms of her placing before, etc. I would be a little hesitant about #2. The drug/alcohol exposure might be of concern, and the fact that they probably have to take some extra steps to terminate bdad's rights, so more legal expenses. If you choose #1, at least try to keep your options open a little bit just in case.

[hopefulmommie2b]

Wow...I really appreciate all the insight you all provided. Our decision was basically made for us...We asked to speak with emom #2 on the phone, and the agency said sure, as soon as you wire us $24K you can have access to her medical records and a conference call.

We sort of wanted that BEFORE shelling out the money. When we explained we just would have liked to have a conversation with the emom, they said "this was not their policy. She chose your profile, so she knows all about you. We would gladly set up a conference call after we receive funds...". Um, OK, but I still wanted medical records before hand, same answer. I told them I was really interested in the match, but not comfortable accepting it until conference call and medical records were made available, to which I received the response "We will just move on to the next couple...but you were her first choice."

I feel awful that we were not given the chance to fully contemplate that match, but had we signed up with that agency and the adoption fail for some reason, we would not be refunded any portion of our fee, but would be put on their "waiting list" to be rematched. No thanks...we were in that situation before.

So, we called the attorney and matched with #1. We are in for the long haul since she is not due til late September, but that just gives me the summer to spend some serious mommy with our 17 month old son. Thanks so much for the replies...I wish everyone the best!

Jenni