[akcskye]

Well, I am probably one of the more rare situations in that both of my kids look like I could have biologically had them (and the adoption was completely NON-relative...no biological connection).

Case and point, last night, we went by Papa John's to get some sodas (a once a week treat for the kids) and this woman said "ma'am, I have JUST got to tell you, I have NEVER seen a mother and son look SO identical! You two are SO cute!"

I replied with a giggle and an "oh, thank you! Yes, he DOES look like his mother!" and went on to our car.

I didn't mention they were adopted, even though that sure would've been one heck of a story.

But, I don't want to keep "identifying" my kids as adopted, as proud of it as we all are.

So, did I do the right thing? I deliberately said it the way I did so the kids wouldn't think I was slamming their mother OR me.

My kids, son especially, really DO look like me, and actually, more so like me than their birth mom.

Sorry for the ramble...just had to share, and curious as to the thoughts.

Thanks!

[startedover]

perfect response. I too have trouble not shouting "she is adopted" because I am so proud of it. But as she gets older I hope I can handle it the way you did.
Funny story.... When my ad was about 7 months old, we were in line at wal-mart and the cashier looked at her and said "darling you look just like your mama". I went white as a ghost and kept thinking to myself, 'in a small town like this people were eventually going to figure out who her bio mom is". THEN IT DAWNED ON ME. I'M THE MOM. ME ME ME. I felt so stupid and luckily hadn't said anything out loud.

[CaddoRose]

I have friends who have twins that are now 16 yrs old. Not identical by the way. They were adopted when they were a few days old. One twin looks and acts like Dad, with dark hair and same mannerisms and the other twin, blonde, looks and acts like Mom. No one would ever guess that those girls had been adopted because even when they were young they had the looks and mannerisms of the parents. Uncanny!

[court5505]

People are constantly telling us how much DD looks like DH. If someone makes a comment and it's a person that I don't know or will never see again, I just usually smile and laugh and say "Yeah, people tell us that all the time." However, if it's an old friend or a new friend that may not know that she is adopted, I will tell them. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor and on a few occasions, people thought I was joking!

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee I must chime in here. Most adoptees that I know including myself and sibling absolutely abhor having the fact that we are adopted announced to anyone, much less total strangers. Have you any idea how that makes us feel? I was adopted by a relative and while people would sometimes comment, my dad said on a few occassions something like "that's funny casuse she is adopted". I might have been about 7 or 8 years old and I told him to stop telling people that. Not that I was ashamed or anything, but just because I felt like I was being made to feel "different"

I know he was proud and all but that still does not make it right to . Adoption doesn't define who I am. I am L and G's daughter, period, end of discussion. When I got older my abrother(non bio connection whatsover) and I discussed this and he agreed. He felt as though my father was expecting people to see him as some kind of "savior" Needles to say my abrother also told him that he did not want that announced.

Personally, today I am cool with being adopted and am grateful that God saw fit to place me in my family. That said, so many adoptees grow up feeling "different" announcements on serve to intesify those feeling and add injury to insult.

Please please Aparents, try tio limit this type of information in from of your children, we do NOT need to be reminded of this, we live it every day of oour life. This is our reality til death do us part. It is NOT yours to share. It ios one thing to come here and discuss things among other in traid, but again, please do not label us. How would you like us to call you "Infertile Mommy"? or male referance to other hurtful possibe labels. I would be hard pressed to believe you would like that.

EZ

[linda512]

My son is adopted from Guatemala and is very fair and looks a lot like me (I am caucasian, eastern european background). People who know he is adopted and people who don't comment all the time that he looks like me. Now, I just say thank you. And when they say he does not look Guatemalan, I am not as sure what to say...

[bromanchik]

I think it's a need to know thing. Does the cashier really need to know your kids are adopted? No. Does an old college friend? Maybe, maybe not. In saying "oh, thank you! Yes, he DOES look like his mother!" you are modeling for your kids how to gracefully handle those comments. Protecting a child's privacy does not mean you are promoting secrecy.

[Adopted-B-4]

EZ2Luv-I just wanted to say a couple of things. I have said that same phrase "adoption does not define" my children a million times. When we are out and someone says something about them looking like us or something, we politely say "thank you" and move on. I wondered how they would feel about that later, so thank you for posting. Also, I just don't feel we have to tell any stranger on the street our life story. Plus, the comments and questions are sometimes quite strange. Anyway, if I am talking to someone about my boys (who are twins) that is usually when the subject does come up, only if a specific question is asked. I can answer most questions about their birthmothers pregnancy with them without lying or saying it was me, but sometimes when people ask very specific questions, I have to say "their adopted". I don't want that to bother the boys with that response but I don't like to lie, not telling a long story, I can do, but not lie about it.

I'm sorry you felt that way and that's good information for me to know!

[Adopted-B-4]

Akcskye-We adopted twin boys at birth. One looks, acts, walks and talks like his daddy and we get the most comments on how much they look alike. He has dark hair and dark skin but blue eyes like me. The other has light blond hair and fairer skin and blue eyes like me and people say it all the time. We just say "thank you" to strangers, I don't see the point in saying to every person we will never see again that they are adopted. I do get asked questions about the pregnancy since they are twins and I usually just answer whatever questions that I know and if it gets too in depth, I finally do say, they're adopted. But to be honest, why do people feel they can ask a perfect stranger such in depth and personal questions? I have been asked if they were infertility drugs and if they were in vitro, vaginal or c-section, premature (which isn't a bad question), it's just not everyone's business, no matter what the answers are. Anyway, when the questions get worded a certain way and i feel it would be lying to answer then I might say they are adopted.

[nikkianni]

I think you handled it perfectly.
We get comments about how much DD looks like DH constantly. DD's bparents even chose us partly because they thought there was such a resemblance.
A week doesn't go by that someone doesn't remark on it, be it a stranger or family member. If it's a family member they already know DD's adopted and it's not really an issue. If it's a stranger we say "thank you" or "she gets her eyes from her dad" or something to that effect.
The only time I have brought up the adoption issue is with a couple of family friends we hadn't seen in a while. They didn't know DD was adopted and I didn't want them to be embarassed later.

[linda512]

Adopted b-4: I know how you feel, I have been in similar situations and don't want to lie, don't want my son to think I am embarassed about the fact that he is adopted. On the other hand, maybe you can just say, that's very personal, and hopefully that will stop people. I have not done that yet, but really, why do strangers think they can ask those questions???

[dawnrenee58]

I was dropping my kids off in the playroom at the Y one day when the girls who worked there were going on and on about some woman. She had adopted 3 kid, and then OF COURSE got pregnant right after. These girls (ok, so they were all in their 40's but I still call them the girls who work there!) were going on and on and on and it was so inappropriate. I looked at the one doing most of the talking and very pointedly said "It is not all that odd, and I really hope you don't talk about ME that way when I am not in here!". Some of the women who work there know our story, some don't. This woman didn't. She said, "I would never have known your son was adopted. He looks just like your DH. You are so LUCKY! Are you sure your DH is not his real dad?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? This is one situation where I wish I had not said anything. She was ignorant and I just ended up even more mad. The other women were horrified, BTW.

I think people are on a need to know basis, and most don't NEED to know. We can be proud of adoption but still respect our kids enough to make it their decision to share. OP, your son is old enough to discuss this with him. What does he say?

[CaddoRose]

EZ:
The twins I spoke of in the earlier thread would be the ones to tell people they were adopted, even when they were young. They are very proud of that fact and do not hesitate to tell people. In fact the people I know who are adopted(and they are all ages) don't mind at all. The children seem particulary happy about it and open to discussion. It's different for everyone.

[loveajax]

One of the reasons I was "excited" to adopt DD was because she is biracial and I thought we would be an "obvious" adoptive family. (I thought that might be "easier" than having to deal with the comments, "she looks just like you" yada yada).

I don't know how it happened, but people always stop me and say things like, "you spit DD out!' We both have "double dimples" on each cheek which I think is pretty rare. To tell you the truth, i don't see it that much (besides the smile), but I now just say, "oh, thank you."

I was saying on another thread that when DD was younger, I used to say, "oh well, she's adopted and biracial and and...." Now I don't. People who know us of course know she was adopted but I don't think strangers "need" to know.

EZ, my DH who is an adult adoptee feels the same way you do. If he wanted to tell people he was adopted, he would....it was his story to tell.

[kelceesmom]

Kelcee looks so much like me sometimes it is scary. Even my mom and I talk about her like I had her at times. LOL I generally don't say anything to others when they say that because I won't ever see them again. Even when friends say things I know they know that she is adopted but when it is a reality that they look like you what are gonna do?! I won't ever take Kelcee's story away from her but it will be hers to tell.