[lovemy2boys]

So after several years of difficulties navigating our way through our OA, we were finally on the same page as "D" (AJ's firstmom). The past year has been really nice - we've been respectful of each other, respectful of boundaries, and have really been communicating well.

Last summer, "D" got in touch with "M" (AJ's firstfather). They seemed to agree to put the past behind them and move forward. "M" asked "D" if she would give us his email address so we could let him know a bit about AJ. Well, we did, and he responded back (YAY!). He told "D" that we seemed like great people and he was very happy that AJ was with us (she told this to us). Anyway, he wanted to keep in touch, so we wrote him once again around AJ's bday and didn't hear back, so decided to give him some space (this was 6 months ago).

So the other day, we get an email from "D" saying that "M" is going to be in town in the fall with his wife and kids and would like to meet us and AJ... and she is LIVID!!! She is accusing us of knowing about this and of having a relationship with "M" that she is not a part of. I told her that we weren't aware of this, and that we only spoke to him last summer (which she knew about) and at AJ's bday. She got very angry and said that we never even told her that we were searching out contact with "M" and that in the future, all contact between us and "M" is to go through her. Now she won't answer any calls or emails from us. Sigh...here we go again.

So what do we do? I mean, I know that we have every right to have a relationship with "M" if we choose, but in all honesty, we DONT have one - it has been 2 letters! But that's not even the issue here, really...The old anger and accusations and bitterness is being brought up again, and I honestly don't think I have it in me to go through another 3 years of anger and hatred trying to appease her mind about something that is NOT TRUE! She KNEW about the emails - She's the one who gave the email address, and spoke to him after our letters (both of which she knew about). But we've been through this before. She only really remembers what she wants to remember.

I mean, how often are we going to have to go through the explosions and accusations? Why can't she see that this (more than likely) one time visit is for AJ and "M", and not about her or us? We've never hid anything from her - we've ALWAYS been honest. If I try to explain myself, it falls on deaf ears - if I tell her that it's not open for discussion, it will set her off even more.

I don't want to email "M" because I really want to keep him far away from the troubles we have had with "D". I don't want to say anything bad about her. I do have a feeling, though, that this won't be reciprocated by her.

How do those of you in relationships (whether they be OA or otherwise) handle this type of thing? I don't want her to say anything to "M" out of spite...and I don't want AJ to miss this opportunity to meet "M".

I'd love your advice!

[danhanan]

Wow .... so much for respecting boundries, huh? Has she shared with you what her reason is for wanting to limit your relationship M? Unless she has and it's a valid one, such as potential harm to your family, I would firmly remind her that whatever degree of relationship you choose to have with M is completely your choice and that by trying to control that can only serve to damage your relationship with her. I would also continue whatever contact and plans you desire with M and not mention D unless it really becomes necessary.
It's best to keep those boundries firm. I learned that the hard way. Good Luck

[loveajax]

I agree with Nancy. You are your son's parents and you have every right to have whatever relationship you and he want with his birth dad without his birth mom "managing" it.

More importantly, if you are "backsliding" into a relationship with your son's birthmom that you don't think is healthy, I would deal with that right away.

Hang in there!

[Stormster]

Ugh I totally feel your pain.

I say listen to previous poster. Stick to your guns, do what's right and she's going to have to learn to deal!

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You did nothing wrong.

[lovemy2boys]

Thanks, guys.

I know I have to take care of things now..."D" has extreme boundary issues that go far beyond us. She had a rough childhood, and I don't think she was every really taught the right way to handle emotions or to build relationships.

I think maybe in her mind if we see or talk to "M" we may choose him over her (which, of course will not happen because it's not about that). I also think she believes that it is her place to be in a relationship between "M" and AJ - she believes it's her "right". We had an opportunity to have contact with "M" several years ago, but she didn't want it to happen and didn't tell us about it until the time had passed, so this is just like history repeating itself, although this time we have a way to get in touch with him...It's so hard to find the right method though, because I don't want to sabotage either relationship for the other.

It's really tough because she just can't see how things affect anyone but herself...and I don't mean that in a snotty way - I truly don't think she knows...just based on how things have gone in the past.

It's really hard to explain things to her because she sees everything as "against" her, and this truly isn't the way things are. Like I said it took everything out of me the last time we went through this...and I know it affects her too.

Hopefully we can all get though this one unscathed.

[loveajax]

Sorry, Love. Very hard stuff.

We visited with DD's birth family on Saturday. The best part of the visit (for me) was that I really, really bonded that day with DD's birth dad. (Maybe that's why I'm sensitive about your son's birth dad!).

Hope this gets resolved easily! If not, remember, as S said, you haven't done anything wrong so don't feel bad.

[rtsmom]

If your son's birthmom isn't responding to your attempts at contact, then let her sulk for awhile. Carry on with your plans/relationship building with bdad and try not to worry too much about bmom. Maybe send her an email saying, "Since you haven't responded to my recent emails/phone calls, I can only assume that you need some space right now. Please let us know when you're ready for contact again. We hope to hear from you soon."

Hopefully once she's calmed down she'll be back in touch, but your relstionship with your son's bdad should not be connected to her relationship with you.

Janet

[RNB]

I'm definately new at this, but it gives me some good insight for the future. We just got our JJ home Sunday night and originally our birthmom told us she wanted to close the communications completely. However, my attorney needed a copy of the birth certificate. I had someone call our birthmom and ask her to run up and pick it up from vital statistics. She called me and said, "You guys can still call me if you want." I ended up picking her up and taking her to get the birth certificate.

I say all that to say that it appears boundaries can change. Out of respect for our birthmom she asked us to not show our JJ pictures of her or the BF. We will try and stick with that request, but in reality once he is officially ours I don't see what right she will have to tell us anything. Nor do I see your "D" having any right to dictate what you do. Sounds like she may need to have that reminded to her.

[belleinblue1978]

A birthmom chiming in here, who has just the opposite problem with her child's parents and their relationship with my ex. Even though their relationship with him is truly none of my business, it still bothers me and I have to work really hard to keep my mouth shut. This is from someone that is 30 and had good role models for relationships.

One thing to consider, and I'm not saying this is right on birthmom's part, but she might have some really angry feelings towards this man, and sometimes, it is REALLY hard to see past those. It is hard enough to have a relationship that isn't great, throw in placing a child into that relationship, and you sometimes have irrational anger, I know I do.

Boundaries are important, have you asked her why she is upset about you getting together with him? Her reason may be very valid in her head and maybe you can explain to her why you feel that a visit is a good idea. Even if she doesn't get it, you got to say your piece right?

RNB, you're right your son's birthmom has no right to tell you anything, but you know, she made you parents to that little one, a little respect goes a long way.

[lovemy2boys]

belle, I'm glad to have the insight of a firstmom.

When I try to process my situation, I do take what you've said into consideration...and I do realize there are alot of residual feelings/hurts that are there between the two of them, even if ammends have been made. That's why I am so sensitive to this whole situation.

What's so difficult is that she WANTS us to be in contact with him, but only on her terms. Years ago, "M" wrote a letter to my son and gave it to "D" to give to us. For months she told us that she'd do so when she next saw us...then she said that it was sloppy and she'd rewrite it and give us her copy...then she said her mom tore it up...then she claimed she never told us that there was a letter.

That's why I let the whole thing go until last year when she brought up his wanting contact...She was all for it...Now, she claims she didn't know we were in contact, which is limited at best...

When I did mention that this is something that I think would be beneficial for AJ, that he could really benefit from meeting "M", she said that my DH and I told her that we wanted nothing to do with "M" because of the way he treated her while she was pregnant (we never ever said that).

It's just so frustrating, and I hate bringing up past things, even if it is just to give some background (but I guess it's better for me to dump on you guys then her - right? )

The really strange thing is that in all honesty, meeting "M" is secondary to me; that will happen now or later - we will eventually meet and definately on our own terms. My primary concern is how to get through this whole situation with "D"...trying to find a delicate balance of letting her know that she can't dictate our "relationship" with "M", but at the same time, making sure our relationship with her doesn't self destruct.

Thanks for the great input!

[belleinblue1978]

Yikes lovemy, it sounds like there is tons of residual anger there towards M. It sounds to me like she is torn between what she knows is right and what she wants.

As for the flip flopping, you know what is ironic? I always said I would be supportive if kiddo's mom and dad decided not to have contact with my ex. Now that they are choosing that, I'm mad as heck. It's so different when you are confronted with the actual situation.

I wish I had some words of wisdom or that there was a manual for this stuff because it just hurts everyone.