[shkerr35]

Hi, I am very new to adoption. My husband and I have been trying for many years to have a baby, with no luck... I have a 13 year old and couldn't wait to give her a brother or sister. After years of trying we decided to go ahead with fertility... We were going to start this summer. As luck would have it, I was talking to a co worker who was asking how the baby front was going. After a brief explanation she asked if we would consider adoption. I told her we would love to however we would want to adopt a baby and we knew the waiting list was very long. She then went on to say that a friend of her's has a 16 year old who was pregnant and was giving the baby up for adoption. She wanted to know if we would be interested, we were very interested. After several weeks we met with the bmother and were told she would make up her mind by the end of the week, she called us 2 days later to tell us she would like us to adopt her baby. I have been on cloud nine ever since.
They have a lawyer and said that a social worker would be calling to set up a visit. I have read alot about homestudies and was wondering if this is what we have to do. Some info I have read said that the home study can take several months... I understand having a homestudy to be put on a list for adoption, but we have already been chosen! Not sure if this works the same way? It's a private adoption, no agencies just a lawyer... Anyone have any more info for us?? We have a wonderful home, but the thought that someone has the power to stop this adoption scares the heck out of me....
I love this site!!! It's so great to read about other adoptive mom's and dad's.

Sharon, Jamie
and Meaghan

[mdesi]

I am very happy for you!!!

On top of the home study and lawyer, I would suggest that you find a counselor to work with the expectant mother. Your home study agency might be able to/know someone that can do this. You will pay for this, but remember that the counselor needs to look out for HER interests. You really want to be sure that she is supported, and that she understand all of her options, including parenting the child. (I know that would be a downer to you, but you want everything to be done on the up and up.)

I hope this works out for your family. You will be in our prayers. Good luck!

[rtsmom]

Hi Sharon,

Yes, a homestudy is required but try not to fret. It can feel invasive (just because they want to know all about you) but just try to go with the flow.

I would also encourage you to set up counselling for the expectant mom, so that she has a chance to explore her options with an unbiased party and be as sure as she can be that adoption is the best option for her and her baby.

Assuming your adoption will be somewhat open (?), counselling for everyone involved can help that along too.

And read these boards! It can be incredibly educational and so helpful for understanding the many aspects of the adoption triad.

All the best!

Janet

[Oceans]

I couldn't agree more with the counseling idea. At 16, this expectant mom* is extremely susceptible to other's influence of what she SHOULD do. Not what is best for her. This counseling would also be beneficial for her parents (who are probably her greatest influence).

September is along time away. Early counseling would benefit all of you.

I would also suggest reading the birthmom boards. That may help you understand some of the issues that birthmoms face after placement.

Good Luck!

* You are only a birthmom (bmother) AFTER you have signed the Consent to Adoption or TPR. Prior to that you, are an expectant parent/mom/dad etc.

[shkerr35]

Thanks for the advice.. I know that she is seeing a counsellor and she is very lucky to have a lot of support. The decision to give up her baby was her's alone her mom said that she would support her no matter what, and her dad really pushed for her to keep the baby. She is only 16 and is not ready to be a mom, her words. It will be an open adoption, I think it will be very important for this baby to know the Bmom and have contact with her. She has said that she would like me to be at all her Dr appointments and in the delivery room when the baby is born. My hear aches for her and I worry about her alot. I know that she could change her mind, and I could never blame her for that.... All I can do is be a supportive as possible. I have decided to embrace this experience with as much of a positive attitude as possible... The what if's will drive me crazy if I let them. I will deal with the what if's in september. Right now I will prepare to bring this baby home in September. I just have to get past this home study...

[Oceans]

I know that she could change her mind, and I could never blame her for that.... All I can do is be a supportive as possible. I have decided to embrace this experience with as much of a positive attitude as possible... The what if's will drive me crazy if I let them. I will deal with the what if's in september. Right now I will prepare to bring this baby home in September. I just have to get past this home study...

You have a GREAT attitude. You will fly past the homestudy. Get it done ASAP so you can enjoy this time (or at least have one less thing to worry about). Google some adoption agencies (preferrably in your state) Many of them have sample homestudies posted to give you a better idea of what's involved.

Good Luck!

[JustCourtney]

You are definitely taking the right first step by coming here and asking questions! I would also recommend that you read the book "The Open Adoption Experience: Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families" by Lois Ruskai Melina. I just finished it, and found it very informative!

Good luck!

[ourdreamcametru]

You're attorney should be able to set the possible birthmother up with someone to counsel her and it would be at your expense. Encourage her to take it even if she feels like she doesn't need it because as things progress and once the baby is born her feelings and needs will change. We met our daughter's bmother 4 months before she was born and our homestudy went fine and was complete in plenty of time. We have two bio boys who were 14 and 10 when our daughter was born so we were in your boat with older children and an newborn--it was and still is four years later, wonderful and we remain on !
My biggest advice is to get to know your pbm and spend as much time as possible with her and her family--bdad too if he is in the picture. I will always treasure the time we had with "E" and her family before our daughter was born. This was a time when no one was focused on the baby but getting to know each other and it has helped our relationship now so much. Keep a journal from right now on, I still read mine often and it never fails to bring back a flood of memories from such a special time in our life. Not only am I happy to have it to read but I am so glad I have our daughter's story written "as it happened" so that someday she can know the love everyone involved had for her.