[jalapeno]

What is the most irritating comment you've received from someone regarding your kids and how did you respond or wish you had responded? I'm pretty new as a parent and my kiddos are too young to pay attention to comments from strangers. But someday they'll hear them. And I find I'm often at a loss for words when someone says something ridiculous. So I've been working on and trying out a variety of responses depending on whether I'm in an educational mood, a snippy mood, or a jokester mood.

My boys are less than 4 months apart and I often get asked if they're twins. This has been kind of a dilema for me. Initially I would tell people they were 4 months apart. I've gotten everything from blank stares to "oh, so they're not both yours?" to an irritated and huffy sounding "well, are you going to explain that?" I shouldn't have to explain it of course. It's nobody's business. If I do say that one is adopted, then I get more questions - things like "so which one's your real baby?" So I've switched my strategy to mostly just lying and saying they are twins. But I'm not satisfied with that. I shouldn't have to lie - I'm so proud of who my kids are. And someday they'll be old enough to realize I'm lying. For the most part I believe people are just curious and don't realize what they're saying might be offensive - and it's an opportunity to educate them. I would love to get to the point where my family can have fun with this actually - I think we could enjoy kind of messing with people

[Ann07]

My girls are 7 1/2 months apart. They are both babies. When I was pregnant I would get stares and when they asked how far along I was and how old my DD was I could tell they were doing the math. Now I usually say we adopted are first so people don't give that look "thats impossible". My Dh just says nothing.

My friend recently told me she thought about adopting......then she said, "then I realized that I don't want to raise other people's kids". I kind of reacted and then she said, "well you got DD as an infant". IT was rude!

[lovemy2boys]

I used to work for a physical therapist, and when we first adopted our son AJ, a new patient had heard one of the other girls and I talking about the adoption.

He told me that I was stupid and needed to "give that kid back" because he knew someone who adopted and the kid murdered his parents in their sleep...and that the same thing would happen to me.

I just said "Wow - that's.....ridiculous" and walked away. My friend called the guy an a**h*** and got a verbal warning - lol.

[Archive]

Here are some of my least favorites:

1. How could anyone not want someone as beautiful as you?!

2. Are they real siblings?

3. So you adopted those two and finally got one of your own?--said about my 2 brown children and 1 CC child who were ALL adopted

4. About my Vietnamese children--Are they from the North or the South? and when I say one was adopted from the N. and the other was born in the S. I get asked "Do they fight alot?"

5. So how much did they cost?

6. Said about my INFANT son--"Was it hard to teach him English?"

7. "Well, he won't be able to play basketball, but he'll be good at karate."

[srusse24]

Originally Posted by Scatterbrain

Here are some of my least favorites:

1. How could anyone not want someone as beautiful as you?!

2. Are they real siblings?

3. So you adopted those two and finally got one of your own?--said about my 2 brown children and 1 CC child who were ALL adopted

4. About my Vietnamese children--Are they from the North or the South? and when I say one was adopted from the N. and the other was born in the S. I get asked "Do they fight alot?"

5. So how much did they cost?

6. Said about my INFANT son--"Was it hard to teach him English?"

7. "Well, he won't be able to play basketball, but he'll be good at karate."

Wow! I am sad that I am only a little shocked because I have gotten a few of these comments as well. I wonder sometimes why anyone would think is was okay to say these things.

I have also gotten...

1. How much did they cost?

Response: They didn't "cost" anything. It is illegal to sell people. We paid for services rendered by the adoption agency and attorney, and I would rather keep that number private.

2. Why would someone give them up?

Response: No one "gave them up". They were placed for adoption and their first mothers are still very much a part of their lives.

Also...

3. "Is that your baby?" To it I replied, "Yes." And she responds, "Wow, his daddy must be dark."

4. Where are they from? (As if we have no AA people here in the U.S.)

Response: Uh, Kentucky and Ohio.

5. Aren't you scared that someone in their birthfamily is going to try to take them away?

Response: No, we did everything the legal way.

6. Oh, those children are so lucky to have you all.

Response: We are actually the ones that are blessed to have them.

I'm sure there is more, but I'll stop there.

[Stormster]

I made a decision a while ago that unless I"m going to see the person again, I don't feel the need to mention E is adopted. Even when I AM going to see them again I only answer direct questions truthfully. Meaning I don't tell the story unless directly asked.

One day in the market this older woman (not THAT old) was following us and she said "oh he looks like a doll!" so I smiled and said thank you! (took me so long to even say THAT by the way! I used to say "I know doesn't he?!" LOL) Anyway, then she asked if he was an easy child, which he was (back then!) so I answered "yes" and kept walking.

Then she said after me, and loud... AND HOW WAS YOUR PREGNANCY? Doh! Why couldn't I have one nice interaction without having to lie. I didn't lie....I said "his birth mother had a great pregnancy" and off I went.

Sometimes just want it to be simple. A mom and her son taking a walk ya know....?

That and I did get a question recently about his "real" family coming back for him and I wanted to say "you know, we did this legally, this is our REAL son now....etc." Like it is that tenuous a relationship....

OH and in Florida these two old girls (like in their 80s) they were sisters and one had GREEN eyes and one had BLUE eyes and DS's eyes are this incredible blue. They fell into the never going to see each other again category so we just did a lot of smiling as the coo'ed over him. But I could see them looking into our Brown eyes and thinking.....

It's not the same as having a transracial baby but it's CLEAR unless there was a genetic mutation that if we had only one baby it would be unlikely his eyes would be that color LOL. I can just see people sometimes thinking "wait what did I learn in school big B little b ...."

[ourdreamcametru]

Yes, we get stupid remarks all the time. One old man said it was a shame that we had to travel so far to get a girl, why couldn't we be happy with our two boys?! Little did he know this was a domestic adoption and she was born within two miles of our house! Like mentioned above, hubby and I both have very blue eyes as do our boys but Castle has almost black eyes and people stare at us all the time. Unless they say something I just smile and keep walking.

[Cjmeck]

I have only received one comment (but DD is only 3 months old) but it still bothers me! I was at the mall with my DS (bio child, CC) and my DD (adopted, and AA/CC). An older man came up to me, smiling at my daughter but was being VERY nosey. He goes "So, she's got a lot of dark hair". I said "Yes, she does". He says "Is she your first?" I said "No, she's my second". And he starts looking all around the pet store. "Is your first with you?" I said "Yes, he's right there" and pointed to my son. He goes "Do they have the same father?". I said "Yes they do". WELL THEY DO! And he says right in front of my son "Well, how did you get one like her and one like him then?". And at this point, he was just being down right rude and I was irritated at being interrogated. So, this guy was in his 60's and I said "Aren't you a little old to be considering adopting a child?". And he just walked away.
I regret that I responded so harshly. But DD was like 2 weeks old and I was just shocked that anyone would say anything about my children! Yes, i definitely need to find a better way to respond b/c surely that won't be the last comment I get. I guess I could use this opportunity to educate people and show my children how to act graciously but assertively to rude people. I've got a lot to learn!

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by Cjmeck

"Aren't you a little old to be considering adopting a child?". And he just walked away.

ROFL - harsh or not - that is HYSTERICAL!!!

[HBV]

I love the "aren't you a little old" comment. We don't get tons of comments, because H looks very much like he could be our bio child---coloring is similar. But when people say dumb stuff, I try to remember that unless you go through this process, you don't really know any better. If they are really crossing a rudeness boundary, I just smile and say "I can't imagine why that would interest you." Then I either turn away or if that's not possible, change the subject.

It is hard at first because I think we are conditioned to feel we owe people an answer, no matter how inappropriate the question. We don't.

[loveajax]

cj, i don't think that was an inappropriate comment at all! i hope that old dude learned his lesson!

at least for us, as DD has gotten older, we don't get as many comments (people are not as "interested" in toddlers as much as babies). though for the fourth time last week, i had someone tell me she looks just like Shirley Temple and it cracks me up every time.

HBV is right. No one "needs" to know anything about a stranger!

[Stormster]

Originally Posted by HBV

It is hard at first because I think we are conditioned to feel we owe people an answer, no matter how inappropriate the question. We don't.

EXACTLY!!!!!! I'm getting better too! Esp. since the fact that he is adopted becomes less and less MY focus!

[jjsmom3]

I don't tend to tell everyone our story, but my 4 yr old will! I had all 3 kids at the dr one day. Sitting across from the 4 of us was a dad, his daughter and the grandparents. We were talking back and forth, the drs office, weather, etc...The gparents said the older 2 look like you, but the baby doesn't. I said really? Then my loudmouth DD said that's cause we 'dopted him.

They quit talking to me after that! Oh well!

[nikkianni]

DD is CC and looks very much like DH so we don't hear comments a lot. But boy when we do.....

1. How much did she cost? Oh, not much. They sell them by the pound you know.

2. Where did you have to go to get a white one? Uh, Detroit actually. (At this point I walk away)

3. So she's a drug baby? I had nothing for this one. I finally managed to say that not all adopted children are drug and alcohol exposed because not all birthmothers are addicts.

4. You didn't want any of your own? Yes, that's why we adopted her.

5. She's so lucky to have you. No, we're the lucky ones. A thousand other couples could have been blessed with her and we were the lucky ones chosen.

6. How could anyone give her up? Because they loved her.

[ocracoke]

My boys are less than 4 months apart and I often get asked if they're twins. This has been kind of a dilema for me. Initially I would tell people they were 4 months apart. I've gotten everything from blank stares to "oh, so they're not both yours?"

Response : They are now.

to an irritated and huffy sounding "well, are you going to explain that?"

Response: Um, no!

If I do say that one is adopted, then I get more questions - things like "so which one's your real baby?"

Response: Ya know, I have such a hard time remembering now which one I gave birth to and which one I adopted. MMM, maybe I should look that up again.

Samantha