[gottahavehope]

I used to post here, but I was struggling with my feelings on adoption and this place was complicating it. I've come back more clear and interested in meeting and talking with other adoptive parents.

So, here is the thing. I don't believe the primal wound relates to every child. I don't believe a child will suffer if they don't have a relationship with their biological family. I believe that as long as you are open, honest, and let your child know the truth of their situtation and give them the option to know their biological family if they chose to, then they will grow up just healthy and fine (so save the preaching otherwise please.) Open adoption is not for me, but I would never assume what's good for me is good for anyone else. Basically, if your adoption works for you, cool.

As for birthmothers, I do believe that unethical things do occur, however, they did not in our adoption and therefore I am not responsible for my son's biological mother's pain. It took me awhile but I take no ownership over her anger, guilt, whatever. That's hers to deal with, hope she does for the sake of her own happiness.

She is not in our life and will not be in our life unless my son chooses it as some time. If he does, I will bend over backward to help him foster any type of relationship he wants. I would not interfer. And, I have no fear that it would change anything about the way he loves me or the role I play.

I'm Mommy, nuff said.

Anyway, I was wondering if there were other mothers out there like me, who wanted to just share stories about our children, discuss raising our babies, or just talk about adoption without going the whole open, not, role of birthmother, blah, blah, blah route that most posts seem to go around here.

If so, let me know.

Peace out,
Kelly
Ordinary Art

[fisbaby]

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with having the feelings you do and you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all. I know that I was made to feel guilty before too (even from my agency) that I wasn't into the whole full fledged open adoption thing. I totally agree with you and think it would be great to have a post that doesn't cover those things!

[ourdreamcametru]

Hi Kelly, I'm Kelley too! I agree with your feelings although we are in an open adoption and think you will find many here who feel the same way. Welcome and I hope you get lots of useful information on loving and raising your little one!

[tanmansmom]

I'm not anti-open, I'm for whatever works best for those involved. We have semi. I send pics and updates, but no visits. I would not be comfortable with visits. To me, it is knocking on the door of coparenting and I just don't like it for our family. I love that it works for some of those on this board, it just isn't for us. We are lucky in the fact that our bmom chose semi, I didn't have to make that call.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Kelly, I agree with you. My daughters' birthmom made the choice to place them for adoption before we ever entered the picture. Like you, I am not responsible for the very real pain she went/goes through over that decision. I have not, from the beginning, taken ownership of that. We do have an open adoption, but contact is very limited - her choice. She is more than welcome to have more contact, but so far has not chosen it. We don't have visits, largely because of geography but I'm not sure we would if we lived closer.

I, too, do not believe the "primal wound" applies to every child. My daughters, now nearly 7 years old, express very little interest in their adoption - other than as an interesting factoid about themselves - or in their birthmother. One of my dearest friends was abandoned, then adopted as a newborn - she doesn't feel "primal wound" applies to her, either.

I'm Mommy, nuff said.

That's how I feel, too. And my daughters both say on a really regular basis "You're the best mommy I ever had, the best mommy in the whole wide world." I'm their mom - nothing will change that. Whatever relationship they choose or don't choose with their birthmother in the future, that will always remain.

[teendoc]

Kelly,

I'm happy to just talk about my daughter and parenting issues without dissecting the adoption process for a change.

Her first birthday is coming up in one month! Yikes! Any suggestions for how to celebrate?

[ranoutofnames]

Originally Posted by HappyTwinsMom

And my daughters both say on a really regular basis "You're the best mommy I ever had, the best mommy in the whole wide world."

My daughters say the same thing! I love it when they say those words!

I also love when they like to tell total strangers "this is MY mommy". It's just the coolest feeling!

[loveajax]

Welcome back, Gottahavehope!!! Good to "see" you!

My DH has threatened to "ban" me from these boards (i tend to get my panties in a bunch over stuff!) so I understand taking a break.

[loveajax]

teendoc, it seems impossible that z is one already...sniff sniff...I have to plan a 3rd bday party (not as much fun as a first!).

[teendoc]

Originally Posted by loveajax

teendoc, it seems impossible that z is one already...sniff sniff...I have to plan a 3rd bday party (not as much fun as a first!).

Don't get me started! Seems like she just got here yesterday! Now I have this energetic, mischievous toddler who just appeared out of nowhere!

[greenrobin]

We haven't done the adoption yet--our kids are in a concurrent case plan of reunification/termination through foster care. And, although I would be agreeable to some degree of openness, for the safety of our kiddos, we will close that door as fully as necessary.

I do worry about the wounding, but our kids know that we want the best for their bio mom. If she gets it together, we will lose them, and I will miss them more than I can even express. If she continues the way she is, we'll keep them and she gets to feel that pain. Either way, our kids will suffer loss, but that's because they already know their mom and their mama.

Do I feel guilty about it? Not at all. I did not make the choices that put the kids where they are. I am not responsible for the actions that keep them away from their birth family. I am the one who is teaching them that love isn't dangerous, that trust isn't just some crazy idea, and that moms take good care of you and put your needs first.

Too many people in this world are ready to try to make you feel bad or guilty or whatever because you don't agree with them. But, we have choices. I choose to love my kids and be happy they're with me. I'm also saddened that their birth mom is missing so much. But like I said, we have choices.

Kelly, many people feel exactly the same way you do. We just believe that the important decisions in our lives are really only ours to make. Stand tough, girl!

[Leigh131313]

Kelly - I feel the way you do and we have an open adoption

I just think people have to do what works for them, ya know? We all make the best decisions we can for our families.

Glad to see you back

M turns four on friday!! crazy stuff!!

[jalapeno]

I'm with you too. I just want to be the best mama I can to each of my kiddos and to enjoy the precious time I have with them. I'm pretty new to the whole parenting thing and would love to see more threads about parenting and adoption issues not related to birth families. We have no contact at all with my kids' birthfamily.

[mommamarci]

It took me a long time to let go of the guilt. Guilt that I got to be a mommy. That Cameron's first mom did not. That she was missing everything. But, I had no contact whatsoever with her until Cameron was 2 weeks old. (A week and a half after she signed away her rights.) I did not force or coerce her into the decision. Why should I feel guilty? For a while I was not sure I would ever be able to adopt again becasue of the guilt. I decided to let go. If all adoptive parents decided not to adopt, we would be taking away a choice for expectant parents. I feel as long as I do everything I can to ensure an ethical process, I should not need to feel guilty. I know in both our adoptions, things were done legally and ethically. I did not force either woman to place her child. And I am not going to miss being a mommy because I feel too guilty!

I also am very unsure about the primal wound theory. I just don't know if I buy it. I think all adoptees will go through times of struggle: wondering who they are, where they came from, why they were adopted, etc. But, it does not mean they have a primal wound.

We do have some openess, but I am with you here!

[Fran27]

I think that never meeting the birthmother makes it easier to dissociate from the situation. In our case the babies were born and the birthparents didn't want to meet us, or even choose a family... and as much as I am sad for them, I don't really feel that I am involved in their situation. I'm ok with not having an open adoption, it's something less to worry about.

I just don't think we can know how the children will react. There's lots of happy adoptees who never met their birthparents and don't care about them. We'll try our best to raise our kids that way, but personally I'll always have the fear that they will suffer from it.