[SupaModel]

We have had DS for 2 weeks now and I have absolutely fallen in love with him. I was looking into his eyes tonight and realized the thought of losing him would kill me!!

I'm scared to death b/c we have the 30 days to TPR. Also the BF hasn't been found and I'm scared that maybe he'll come out of the wood works one day and want to parent. birthmom said she told him she was preggers and he basically said get rid of it and she hasn't heard from him since.

I just look at my DS and I can't imagine life without him. I love him. I feel sick thinking about the what if's? DH doesn't want to talk about it and says i am just torturing myself.

How are you guys handling this part? I thought the waiting was sooo hard but after falling in love with this lil guy the not knowing if he's our forever son is by far the hardest part.

Any advice?

[loveajax]

Supa, it is SOOOOOO hard, I'm sorry. The only thing I can say is that you have to have faith it will work out and continue to love and bond with your son. There is a lot of anxiety in the "wait," believe me, I know....but there's not alot you can do except continue to keep on loving your son and hope (and expect) the best.

[devildogwife]

I think a lot of us know what you're going through. A little background on us: We waited 42 days for all parental and tribal (my son is Native American) rights to be terminated in court. Birthfather(s) were published for. It was a very rocky road. While we were waiting, my son was in the hospital fighting for his life, due to a serious heart defect we didn't know about. Daily, I went from begging God to spare his life and be able to stay with us. I got through all of it by trusting God. I know not everyone on this board is religious, but I am. I trusted that God was in control. My worry, my fear made no difference. I relearned to heavily rely on him as I saw every day that I absolutely no control. And you know, I couldn't help it. I too fell absolutely in love with this beautiful little boy, who was so sick, that I had 0 legal rights to. It was so hard. I couldn't really even refer to him by name for a month, because I was so afraid of losing him. But love him I did, and we got through it, as will you! You are halfway there. Post here as much as you need to for support. I did that during our wait and it helped tremendously. I never would have imagined I could get through a 42 day wait. I think we really underestimate ourselves. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by SupaModel

We have had DS for 2 weeks now and I have absolutely fallen in love with him. I was looking into his eyes tonight and realized the thought of losing him would kill me!!

I'm scared to death b/c we have the 30 days to TPR. Also the BF hasn't been found and I'm scared that maybe he'll come out of the wood works one day and want to parent. birthmom said she told him she was preggers and he basically said get rid of it and she hasn't heard from him since.

I just look at my DS and I can't imagine life without him. I love him. I feel sick thinking about the what if's? DH doesn't want to talk about it and says i am just torturing myself.

How are you guys handling this part? I thought the waiting was sooo hard but after falling in love with this lil guy the not knowing if he's our forever son is by far the hardest part.

Any advice?

[Tigger2]

Oh, Supa~Hugs to you as you wait. As others have said, have faith that everything will work out- don't miss one second of loving and bonding with your little guy! Prayers are with you!

[SupaModel]

I do have faith in god and I guess I really need to leave it in his hands.

When you made the comment about not being able to say his name really hit home for me. People have been bringing gifts by and everytime I open something my heart sinks a little bit. I think should I let myself enjoy this. Everytime I call him by his name I feel scared saying it out loud.

Today I was walking him in our neighborhood and the kids started screaming his name. My heart sunk. I think how do i explain the dreaded what if?

I know that I need to have faith and let what's meant to be,

Thank you guys for your thoughts and prayers.

Originally Posted by devildogwife

I think a lot of u know what you're going through. A little background on us: We waited 42 days for all parental and tribal (my son is Native American) rights to be terminated in court. Birthfather(s) were published for. It was a very rocky road. While we were waiting, my son was in the hospital fighting for his life, due to a serious heart defect we didn't know about. Daily, I went from begging God to spare his life and be able to stay with us. I got through all of it by trusting God. I know not everyone on this board is religious, but I am. I trusted that God was in control. My worry, my fear made no difference. I relearned to heavily rely on him as I saw every day that I absolutely no control. And you know, I couldn't help it. I too fell absolutely in love with this beautiful little boy, who was so sick, that I had 0 legal rights to. It was so hard. I couldn't really even refer to him by name for a month, because I was so afraid of losing him. But love him I did, and we got through it, as will you! You are halfway there. Post here as much as you need to for support. I did that during our wait and it helped tremendously. I never would have imagined I could get through a 42 day wait. I think we really underestimate ourselves. Hang in there.

[sbaglio]

You know, our DD was born in TX, where the wait was 48 hours before TPR (which was irrevocable). Those 48 hours were torture, even though our wondeful birthmother never gave any indication about changing her mind.

Before we left MD for the delivery, we met with our SW, who has become a true friend. We expressed our fears to her, and said that we were going to try to remain unattached for those 48 hours, to protect our hearts.

She said (after seeing how excited we had been the last 2 months since the match, had seen the nursery completed, had heard us gush about how thrilled we were) that no matter what happened, we were attached to this little girl who hadn't been born yet. If she came home with us, or if we lost her, we would always be in love with her. So why not just love her completely?

I know that this is somewhat different from your situation, but you can think of it in a similar way. If you don't love your son for the next 2 weeks for fear of what might happen, will your love for him really be any less profound than if you do? You'll be missing out on 2 weeks of bonding with him, half of his life, practically.

I say love him as much as you can, and let what will happen, happen. We can't control fate. If he is meant to be your forever child, he will be.

[aclee]

When we were in St. Louis, we spent all our waking moments with Ty in Cradle Care for the 3 days till court. By the night before court, we were almost insane with the fact that they still had till the next day to revoke, and could even show up at court and revoke right then. We were so upset we decided we would just leave, go out for dinner, and then go back to the hotel early and go to bed. We were half way through dinner and I was bawling my eyes out in the middle of California Pizza kitchen because I realized that even if we only had him till the next day, I wanted every second of that time with "my" son. We got our food packaged to go as soon as it hit the table and raced back to spend the next 4.5 hours with him (we were supposed to stay till 9PM, but they never really kicked us out). Obviously the next day at court went fine, but I guess what I have to say is, you just have to do it. It's scarey and upsetting and every other emotion that makes you feel raw. It's stuff like this that makes me laugh sarcastically in the faces of people that say adoption is "easier" than giving birth, or that we don't have to go through the "hard" stuff like labor. If only they knew.

It's in God's hands...leave it to him to worry about and enjoy your son.

[One_Happy_Momma]

Supa, I've been praying for you and your family.I understand this is a really hard and emotional time.

I did fost/adopt and DD2 at 2 days-old was placed with me because I was open to adoption, and they wouldn't just place her in a foster home, SW wanted someone that would be able to adopt her, so I pretty much knew that she was going to be my forever child, but the courts just kept dragging it out. Besides daycare, only one or two people knew her birth name, because they were my emergency pick-up people.

Almost a whole year! TPR was in August, and I still couldn't feel comfortable calling her by her name, I felt that if I did I would jinx the adoption. Thank God for her birthday in October. I wanted her name on her birthday cake, and I had a big cake done with her name on it, that's when everyone knew what her name is. All this time she had been "Sunshine to everyone, including myself."

Stay Strong and love your son!

My SW would tell me not to get attached, but what can you do? You can help but love them with all your heart and soul.

[startedover]

First: I don't know about your state but in alot of states if the bf knew about the pregnancy for at least 4 months and didn't do anything to acknowledge the baby then it is abandonment.

Second. Our SW told us that if after a emom delivers the baby and still plans on placing the baby you have overcome half the battle, but if you actually leave the hospital with the baby and she doesn't change her mind there is like a 95% chance she will stick to her decision. I know this is not always the case, but I think you have to stick to percentages or you will drive yourself crazy.

Third : Do yourself a favor and ENJOY your baby. I had OCD when my first was born and when I look back I remember the pain and panic, not the sweetness of her newness. ENJOY your baby. Nothing can change the extent of pain that adoptive parents go through in failed adoptions, not even trying to not say their name. But you can make sure that at day 31 you wouldn't have changed a thing about how you handled yourself during that uncertain time. My prayers are for a quick month for you....

[Celesyee]

Supa--Like many of the PP, I can relate. Devin was placed in our arms 1 week ago and I absolutely LOVE him! His birthmom rights were terminated last Monday before placement, but his BF's rights have not yet terminated. BF rights are supposed to be terminated through publication and then court if he does not step forward, but publication hasn't even started. Regardless of the what-if's, we already love him so why not just show it? I tell him everyday that I'm his mommy and he's our son even though BF rights haven't been terminated and we're far away from finalization, but he has the right to be loved unconditionally, despite our fears. Enjoy this special time with DS!

[mommy3]

Ohhh, I've been there, too. It's hard only if you look the fear in the eyes, so to speak. I initially subscribed to the same idea that was shared a few posts ago, that this baby was ours to love for then and if it was all meant to be, this baby would be our child in our family. That was very hard to live by. I finally decided I couldn't do feel tentative any longer, that I'd just live with the deep love that I felt for our son (first adoption) and our daughter (2nd). With our first, we waited for almost more than 9 weeks for tribal clearances and then his birthparents signed their relinquishments. With our second, we waited 30 days b/c our dd's birthmother couldn't sign the revocation waiver (just "couldn't in her heart" -- needed time). Both situations were hard for us but there was no alternative, the same as you.

I do want to remind you that if the bf hasn't been around and can't be found, his chances of coming up with reasons that the court would listen to have just about disappeared by now. Once the time passes that is defined in the TPR for the bf, there are no woods he came come out of, legally. Hang in there. Hold your darling baby, listen to your heart and try to breathe. His birthmother chose you for a reason -- your love. Clearly, this is your labor. With much support, susan

[kelceesmom]

The waiting for TPR is the hardest part of the journey. The "unknown". Hard as it might be you just need to look at each day as one day closer to the signing. If I could I would have slept the whole time until tpr was finished just so I wouldn't have had to function. But then I would have missed out on loving my baby for that time frame. You'll be ok. Have faith and pray hard. This is such an emotional time for everyone.

[Cjmeck]

Like everyone else, I can relate to this fear. My daughter is almost 3 months old now and I STILL feel it. Despite the fact the bmom signed TPR at 72 hours. Despite the fact that no birthfather registered on the putative father registry within 30 days of her birth. I hope that this fear goes away come finalization. But every remote "what-if" senario pops in my mind daily. How could you not fall in love with your son? I remember standing there at the hospital window and the nurses asking me what her name was going to be. She was only 1 hour old and birthmom didn't want to see her. So we were the only parents she had at that point; but not legally. Anyway, I told them we weren't naming her for 3 days and refused to tell them her name until tpr. They looked at us like we were crazy and really, just couldn't understand our need to protect our hearts as much as possible. I don't know how you'll get through the next 2 weeks. 72 hours nearly suffocated the life out of me. But you are half way there. I told myself I would not get emotionally involved with any baby until after tpr but the moment I saw my daughter, I loved her. And what I told myself is that she may not be mine tomorrow--but right now, she needs a mommy. For whatever reason, God has put me in her life for this time. It might be forever or it might be a little while. But I was meant to be here for her now. So with that, I knew she deserved to loved with every bit of my heart for as long as I was allowed.
Hugs, I'll pray for you! Sorry this got long.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by SupaModel

We have had DS for 2 weeks now and I have absolutely fallen in love with him. I was looking into his eyes tonight and realized the thought of losing him would kill me!!

This is the absolute hardest part of adopting. Now you understand why adoptive parents get sooo upset when someone says "adopting is easier" than pregnancy. There is nothing harder (in my opinion). I'd rather 24 hours of hard labor in a hospital delivery room than to have to worry about losing a child in an adoptive placement.

Bio-dads are usually TPR'd after an announcement is made in the legal sections of the local newspaper. Think about how often YOU read the legal sections. Probably never, right? And this birthdad probably wouldn't even know where to find the legal section if he DID want to read it.

It's really hard NOT to worry. Saying "don't worry" won't stop you from worrying. But have faith that things ALWAYS work out in the end. If things aren't the way you want them to be right at this minute, it's because it's not the end. No prayer to God goes unanswered.

[JLW99]

Supa, I have been in this position before, and as we're matched now I know this is in my future as well. You've been given excellent advice, and I was especially moved by what Sbaglio posted---so true and it gave me a revelation as I also sit here thinking of this situation in my life. Very beautiful advice.