[Empty_Nest]

Let me make one thing clear right from the start: I'm not talking here about birth moms who make a loving plan for their children or concerned and caring birth family members who are not any kind of threat to the adopted child or the adoptive family. There are lots of those and my hat is off to them. You made a very difficult and unselfish choice, and I have all respect for that. This is not a slam to birth families in general, but a question about a particular kind of person. Let's be real. Not every birth parent involved in adoption is nice.

We're still considering adopting again, and it would be our ninth and possibly tenth placement. We have never adopted from within our state before, and one of our concerns is the potential for interference from birth family, be it parents or extended family.

We keep thinking about the birth family of five of our children from another state, and how horrible it would be for them to be in the same state or worse, right in our area. They are bad, dangerous people who are involved in criminal behavior and don't seem to have any scruples whatsoever. They treated our kids horribly when they had them, which is why we ended up with them. Our kids have reunited with them to varying degrees now, and in no case has it been a good thing for them.

As bad as they are, they could be even worse. Our concern with this next potential placement is being forced into contact with someone as bad or worse. What can an adoptive family do to protect the kids from birth family in situations that warrant that?

We live in a rural area, in a geographically large county, so in the case of an emergency where a sheriff must be called, response time can be lengthy if there's another emergency elsewhere in the county, or even if LEOs are in another area, because of the drive time. Security systems are non-existent, too. Basically, we're pretty much out here on our own.

We always felt pretty secure with our kids' bparents being half a country away, although that's a false sense of security these days, I suppose. We did keep contact through the agency with one of the kids' paternal grandmothers and are comfortable with that arrangement, through the agency. We also kept in contact with two of our other kids' birth family in another country. They were people caught up in circumstances that forced them to relinquish our daughters, and we never had any feelings but respect for them. Please don't get the idea we're just down on birth families as a whole because we aren't. We would welcome appropriate contact with relatives to some degree, which would have to be determined depending on circumstances.

So for those who have adopted either locally or in-state and the birth family has been people who make you nervous because they're just plain bad people, what have you done both to cope with that and also to keep your children, pets, and property safe?

[lonni]

Can you do the same as you do with your own biological family members that are dangerous?Or ex-friends/coworkers that turned out to be risky/undesirable?

[crick]

Obviously there are situations with dangerous people out there, but I would think it's still not a given or even a definite. I think it's the exception rather than the norm.

We never had any issues with our kids' bfamily at all and we live 1 1/2 hours from the town they were living. Obviously names & ss# were changed but beyond that, we haven't done anything "special".

I think you go into it aware, but don't drive yourself paranoid at this point. Once you have a match, then the situation will provide more details for you and you can go from there deciding if there's a safety issue or not.

[TxMom65]

I have a similar situation and live pretty close. Not only were there lots of legal issues, proven abuse/neglect, criminal activity, ect.....the bfamily claims that THEY were the victims and did nothing wrong. When they talk to their kids before TPR they always claimed that.

I can't do anything but keep an eye out for now. I pray we never have an issue.

[DCMomLady]

Our daughter's adoption followed involuntary TPR's and we were worried about the potential for trouble from her birthfather (my niece's husband) and the maternal birthgrandmother (my own sister!). Of course, both of them had been to our home and had our unlisted phone number.

Birthfather is/was a scumbag. Brilliant in a criminal way but basically just a real loser. After the TPR in a distant state, he moved within 100 miles of our community. Fortunately, he was always on dope when he had visited us and couldn't remember how to get to our home (or even what tiny rural town we live in). We did tell him outright that he would be arrested if he came anywhere near our daughter or our home. We had the District Court's order for no contact to back us up.

Even though he made no overt threats, it was clear that he kept calling in the hope that he could trick me into revealing our location by promising to send presents and child support money. When I offered to set up a mail drop so he could send whatever, he declined. I finally told him that I wouldn't take his calls and he eventually stopped trying.

Still, I notified our local sheriff about the situation and our worry that he might one day remember how to find us. I wanted to make sure they would take us seriously if we called for help with an intruder or trespasser.

The real problem turned out to be my sister -- another example of rock bottom. She was found to be unfit to take the baby even temporarily and she never stopped resenting me for being the one her daughter wanted to raise the baby. She wasn't a welcome guest at our home but once we did allow her to come with my niece to attend our daughter's birthday party. She came armed with a huge knife in her boot (which she used to open toy packaging!) and had a handgun in her purse!!!! She also had one of her derelict boyfriends in tow -- all things definitely forbidden. When we told her to leave after the briefest of visits and to stay away if she would not follow the rules, she threatened my life. She told me I better watch my back at all times because she was coming after me. My husband had to tell her what he would do if she came anywhere near us.

So, that's a long story but I wanted you to see that I do understand your worries and I wouldn't fault you for any precautions you need to take. If an overt threat has been made, you can get a court order for no contact. If you're just a little worried then you want to give your neighbors and the local police a heads up about the situation. They can watch for out-of-state license plates or people cruising or watching your home.

Your kids are older than my daughter so you might want to sit down with them and talk about the real risks of contact with people who are angry and unstable. Because our daughter doesn't remember or recognize her birthfather, we are teaching her to be extra observant and aware of her surroundings and to recognize when people are paying too much attention.

Listen to that little voice of worry and do what you need to do to keep your chidren and your home safe.

[ericamhc]

I noticed you said security systems are non-existent, but I'm wondering if you mean there is no proper security agency available in your area? There are other options you might consider to start with such as motion sensing lights and alarms, video cameras, or even guard dogs. These could at least be a deterrent, and should some unsavoury person start casing the place you'll at least have evidence they have done to get a restraining order or more. I realize these don't provide complete security, but they might help you to some degree. We have certainly considered setting up a camera and laptop for monitoring the premises at our house, and you can do at least a basic set-up inexpensively. Further, we have a small dog with a BIG bark who acts as an alarm system, and I have also considered getting the type of device that makes lots of noise if it senses motion going by (I'd set it on just at our doorway when my husband goes to work).

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can certainly empathize since one factor in deciding to adopt our little guy was knowing we've moved far enough away from his bio mother's family that she can't get to us (easily anyway - she has no transportation and no idea where we live, although I know that's not fool-proof, having that start and the "guard" dog helps).

[shy_bear]

If you feel these birthparents and birthfamily's are so undesirable why would you want to adopt their offspring??? My sons bmom is a drug using gang memeber; her family is dangerous. We have been told by cw's, lawyers, and everyone else involved not to contact any of the family members. BUT, they are a part of my son and his background. I will not judge his birthmom b/c I don't know her I don't know what led her to the path that she is on...but I know she loved her child enough to deliver him at the hospital and leave him there vs. dumping him somewhere. I know if she contacted the agency tomorrow and wanted to meet us I would. I would suggest you look at another way to add a child to your family....kids that come from a bad situation need SOOOO much!

[Empty_Nest]

I can see I need to clarify. The kids we already have whose birth parents are not the greatest people are grown and gone from home now. We have no children living at home and have been childless for over ten years. Our concerns are not with them, but with any future problems we may have should we move forward with adopting again, this time within our own state. We'd like to stay within state because of post-placement services available which would give us the best chance at a successful placement.

As for not judging, in theory I agree with that concept. However, the birth mom of those five kids, among other things, allowed her lowlife boyfriend to rape our daughter who was four years old at the time, then married the SOB thereby demonstrating to our kids how completely unimportant they are to her. Sorry, but it's darn hard to come up with any scenario that would excuse that kind of behavior or even make it understandable so yes, I will judge her and feel absolutely no guilt about doing so. I don't care how rough your own life is, you don't let someone rape your kids, then crawl into bed with him yourself. Period. End of story.

Originally Posted by DCMomLady

If you're just a little worried then you want to give your neighbors and the local police a heads up about the situation. They can watch for out-of-state license plates or people cruising or watching your home.

Thanks very much for your support. The things you mention would not work in our situation. We don't have any neighbors, really. Our closest neighbors are summer people we don't even know, who spend time at their cabins only a few weekends out of the year. Also, out of state plates are extremely common here because this is a world-class tourist destination. I once drove the three blocks of our main street and counted license plates from 23 states in those three blocks. No one notices out of state plates, as it would be strange if we didn't see that.

Where we live in the country, no one would notice if anyone was around our place. That's the problem. There is little traffic on our road and it's hard to see into our yard from the road.

Security services like Brinks or ADT are not available here. We do have motion sensor lights but they're for our convenience. And they're like car alarms in a big city, no one pays attention to our lights coming on at odd hours because they're set off by deer, bears, and other wildlife in the area.

We're sort of in a quandary over this issue and it should be obvious why.

Thanks for your support and tips. I appreciate it and it's giving me things to think about. Adopting out of state again is an option for us, and maybe it's the route we should pursue.