[feelingreyt]

I would love some insight on a matter that has come up in our open relative adoption.

I was informed, not asked, but informed that an appointment has been made to have my son's picture taken with his bio family. I was told when and where to take to him for this to happen. Now mind you, I have no plans for that day, so that is not the problem, the problem is I don't feel it was right to told like that.
Also, I have issues with him even having his picture taken with them. I Know that is silly, but I can't help the way I feel. I have 2 bio children that were not asked for their pictures to be included. My family would never want a family without our ason, yet they just disregard my biochildren. I don't like it, I can't help it. The greatma is wanting her picture with all her granchildren, so I can understand to a certain extent, I really can. But they also need to realize that he is our child now, not theirs. I should atleast have been asked, ya know? Anyway, any feed back is much appreciated. And if you feel like I'm being petty and silly, please tell me that too, lol!

[Beth.]

I would be ticked if my own family did that to me. I can't even imagine how it would feel to be summoned like that from anyone. I would think that they really didn't want us there if they set-up time and place without checking my schedule first, or that we were just an afterthought. I'm of the thinking that something like this requires some planning and coordination. "This is what we were thinking. Does Saturday work for you?"

IMO, it's just rude -- regardless of the fact that your son was adopted. But, if it was me, I'd probably end up going anyway. But, you don't have to go if you don't want to!! Good luck!

[HBV]

I don't think you're being petty, that would tick me off, too. I imagine it must be more difficult to set boundaries with a relative adoption, but still, that's no excuse for rudeness. (And I think the behavior is rude regardless of the adoptive relationship---you don't make an appointment for someone and tell them when they have to show up.)

I guess if it were me, I would call or e-mail and say listen, this time, it's not a problem and I can have him there, but next time I'd appreciate it if you'd call and talk to me before you schedule something with my son. I don't think you realize the position you are putting me in, especially since you aren't planning to include his brother and sister.

I think I'd even use "brother(s) and/or sister(s)" instead of their names to emphasize that the children are a sibling group, bio or not.

[Mommy24]

That is rude! I agree with Beth, it would upset me for my own family to summons me to do anything without asking. I would also go since you have no plans, however, I would tell them that the next time they want to plan an event like this you would appreciate having some input on the what, when and where. As for your bio children being left out, that is sticky. I definitely understand that you don't want them excluded they are all siblings and it would feel wrong to me as well, on the other hand, grandma is wanting pics of her grandchildren with her and your children are not her grandchildren, ughhh that makes it so hard. Maybe you could call and set up a photo shoot of all of your children while there for the day so that your other children don't feel left out?

Best of luck!

[feelingreyt]

I am certain they expect him to be there. They called me and told me about it over 2 weeks before the date to have it done. That is what grips me most. They should have asked, not just told me to show up with him.

[loveajax]

Feeling, I agree with everyone else. I think you should go (since you know about it and don't have other plans), but I think you should also point out that next time, you should be ASKED, not summoned.

[court5505]

See, I am the evil witch here because even if I didn't have something going on, I would say that I did just to prove a point. I know it's probably not the correct way to handle it, but I know that's what I would do because I am stubborn and I don't like people telling me what to do! I would say, "I'm sorry but we have plans that day but let's look at our calendars together and figure out a day that works for everyone." Again, I know most people would handle this situation better than I would, but I'm just being honest. My point is, you have every right to be annoyed!

[kelceesmom]

Ahh, Court, a girl after my own heart. I hate to admit it but I would probably want to do the same thing. I don't like being told what to do. Asking is a whole other story and I am more willing to put the effort into something.

[akcskye]

I don't understand.

This is an open, relative adoption.

So, your ason is kin to you (or your spouse???) somewhere "biologically".

Wouldn't that then make your biological children also grandchildren, or is this greatma a greatma to him but not to your biological children?

You have every right to be hacked off by this demand...and yes, it is a demand...I would be...and I'm not sure I would accomodate the demand...that is my mean streak talking, I suppose.

I can only see it from my angle, though...my children are not biologically linked to me, but I would never allow my children to be in a picture for their birth grandmother being she promised to adopt them and decided, at the *OLD* age of 55, that she was too old to care for them. *sighs*

[ranoutofnames]

I'm evil too For myself I'd want to say I had other plans just to be passive-aggressive.

On the other hand, what does it accomplish to not go? You make a point about making demands of you... but in the end its the grandma that gets her feelings hurt.

Eventhough legally the child is no longer her grandchild she still feels an emotional bond. So what's a little inconvenience when you consider how hard it must be to coordinate everyone's schedule (granted I don't know how many schedules needed to be coordinated).

In addition, it is nice that they still consider the child "family" even if he isn't in the same legal standing. It would have possibly been even more hurtful if he'd been left out just because he was adopted out to you.

My husbands siblings got all their kids together for grandkid pictures and purposefully didn't call us until the night before... and we live 5hrs away from them. I believe our children were left out because they are adopted.

On one side of my family I have 11 cousins, the youngest is now 31yrs old. In all these years there was only one picture taken of all of us, that was around 30yrs ago when we were all piled in the back of a pickup truck goofing off. We were filthy and in our play clothes, and I cherish that photo above any else with my cousins because it's the only one with all of us.

... how often will this opportunity come around?

[feelingreyt]

Thanks for the replies everyone! The stubborn person inside me also wants to say, Hey something important has come up and he won't be there, but I know that is not the right thing to do. I will take him, I'm sure.
I loved the idea of scheduling a shoot for my children my as well! Thanks!
AKC, by biochildren are not the grandchildren. They are actually cousins to the biograndma.

[ourdreamcametru]

I too would tell them we had other plans that day and time but we would be glad to find a time that would suit us all. I think sometimes an open adoption becomes waaaay to open before one side or the other starts to take advantage without even noticing it. Like with us, Castle's birthmother has gotten to where she calls or emails for every holiday, which is just about monthly, wanting us to meet so we can pick up a gift from bgrandma or herself. Last week I fanally had to put my foot down but couldn't decide how to do it without hurting her so I just took the easy way out and told her we were going out of town so she would need to mail the Easter dress and candy. She was fine with that and it came two days later. Darling by the way! Sometimes we just need to gently nudge things in the right directions.

[christyrana]

I don't think you are being silly either. My DS is a relative also and his bio Grandma has had some issues with this type of thing. But if this happened to me, I would have to remind them that he is not their grandchild anymore. I know that sounds harsh, but they have stepped on my parents toes a few times over the years. I respect their feelings, but his B-mom wanted no contact, and that was hard for them to accept.
Maybe you can be honest with them and let them know you are hurt by their actions. Think of how this might make your parents feel, would they be hurt by seeing their grandchild in another family's pictures?
Good Luck!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by court5505

See, I am the evil witch here because even if I didn't have something going on, I would say that I did just to prove a point.

I would have done the same things. Years and years ago when I worked as a nanny, I had just started working for a family when they made the mistake of saying "By the way, we volunteered your services for Saturday for ____ and _____. I hope you don't mind. We told them what we pay and they agreed to the rate."
I answered "That's too bad. I already have plans for this weekend. If I know anybody available this weekend, I'd be glad to pass the name along. I'll ask around".

The guy just sat there staring at me with his cereal on his spoon. He said "I already told them okay". I said "Well, I already have plans and I don't do weekend babysitting for people I don't know."

Later, the Mom said "Gosh. We didn't mean to step on your toes but is it really that big of a deal?"
I said "Would it be a big deal if I offered your legal services to my friends at a rate I decided was fair?"

I was the nanny-not their servant. I was appalled by their behavior. I had to drive the point home . There had to be no question about how inappropriate their behavior was. Otherwise, I would be setting myself up for more "volunteer" work whenever their friends needed a sitter.

Needless to say, they never "volunteered" me for anything again. In the beginning of a relationship, if someone really steps over the line (by sort of ordering you to do something rather than asking), it's important to be brutally honest and make sure the person knows their behavior was offensive and inconsiderate.


If I was the original poster, I would have said "Sorry. We have other plans. Besides, we try to make sure our family photos include our entire family. We don't like people to feel left out. When we get our family pictures done, we'll make sure to send you one".

In my experience, it's better to be honest and let people know you're disgruntled. Otherwise, they'll continue to be pushy and insensitive.


But then, Ran Out of Names, has a point. Grandma still thinks of this child as her grandchild. And it's nice to have a photo of the entire family. Still..it was so rude. It would have been hard for me to comply.

[Beth.]

Originally Posted by Kat-L

I answered "That's too bad. I already have plans for this weekend. If I know anybody available this weekend, I'd be glad to pass the name along. I'll ask around".

The guy just sat there staring at me with his cereal on his spoon. He said "I already told them okay". I said "Well, I already have plans and I don't do weekend babysitting for people I don't know."

Later, the Mom said "Gosh. We didn't mean to step on your toes but is it really that big of a deal?"
I said "Would it be a big deal if I offered your legal services to my friends at a rate I decided was fair?"

Ooh, that's good. I always think of smart things to say an hour after the fact. I'm envious of your quick thinking!