[SupaModel]

This is my first post here. I feel like I need a place to connect with ppl that are going through the same thing as me. My husband and I are hoping to adopt our 1st child. I am AA and he's CA so we're looking for a biracial girl or boy. We're working with a small agency and have a profile online. We started our application on Nov. 4th 2007 and our homestudy was done on Dec. 28th 2007.

What's hard now is we're soooo ready to parents and the days seem so long and emotionally draining. We're getting scams emails from so called birthmom's all the time. Also my agency had said that if we wanted full AA we could basically have a child ASAP. When i'm feeling low I think why can't I just want any child no matter how they look or skin color but when I've always imagined my family the picture in my head has been a biracial child.

I'm scared that if I went full AA that one day i'll have regrets. I'll see other biracial children and think I should have been patient. My husband is very fair skined blonde hair and blue eyes. I think that if we went full AA ppl will think it's my child from another relationship or ask my child who's your real daddy? I know I shouldn't care but I do. I just want this feeling to be over and have my family now. I know ppl wait for years but I feel like mentally i can't survive this wait. Trying to be strong and take this day by day.

I know I been rambling on and on. I'm just hoping to feel better.

[akcskye]

Supa,

I have seen plenty of bi-racial babies and children who didn't look bi-racial at all...they looked full AA.

I went to school with a bi-racial girl who looked Native American, and another who looked as caucasian as can be.

In the long run, you have to do what's best for you...but I think you should reconsider an AA child.

Who cares if you adopted?

If you're wanting a bi-racial baby to avoid the questions, those questions are still going to come (be it from outsiders or your child at some point or another), bi-racial child or not.

Of course, no one person cannot tell you what race of child to adopt, but do you realize how hard it is for AA children to be adopted?

There's simply not enough AA homes available to adopt these children into, and unfortunately, a LOT of CC homes are not willing to adopt full AA, especially those in areas in which they feel their children would forever "stand out" and be mocked.

IMO, you'd be an awesome mother to an AA child, because you both can share the culture together.

Your husband, and obviously his family, accepted you (the reason I say this like this is not to be inflammatory...many families unfortunately still frown upon inter-racial marriages) into their family, so "being black" wouldn't be a problem for your child, right?

Just food for thought and a BIG HUG for support!!!

[SupaModel]

I really don't care what's other say but it's mostly what I feel inside. Our families are wonderful and have always been supportive of us. I just have a family image in my head now and i'm not ready to let it go. I need to feel 100% about my choices and now is not the time to be unsure. I do agree it's hard knowing there are soo many full AA out there and we're waiting for our biracial baby. I do know we are doing the right thing for us at this point.

[akcskye]

Then, that's all you need to say.

I wish you quick success finding your bundle of joy!!!

Originally Posted by SupaModel

I really don't care what's other say but it's mostly what I feel inside. Our families are wonderful and have always been supportive of us. I just have a family image in my head now and i'm not ready to let it go. I need to feel 100% about my choices and now is not the time to be unsure. I do agree it's hard knowing there are soo many full AA out there and we're waiting for our biracial baby. I do know we are doing the right thing for us at this point.

[shan76]

I'm white and my son is biracial (AA/CA). Even though, race-wise, he could be my birth son, most people assume he's adopted.

That being said, both his (adopted) parents are white, and as much as we try to connect him to black people and culture, I occasionally hear him describe himself as white. It makes me so sad that he that either he has lost this part of himself, or, maybe he chooses to deny it so that he can be more like mom and dad. Either way, I'm sure he could understand what biracial means better if his parents were different races.

Maybe you and hubby should go for an Asian child. :-)

[Shai's Mom]

As a-mom to two absolutely gorgeous little boys (one full CA and one Bi-racial), all I can say is that your baby will find you.

One piece of advice: Don't close your mind. Keep all your options open.

Our two little bandits aren't exactly what we "planned" so carefully before we set out on our adoption journey. They surpassed our expectations.

All the best and good luck!

[sbaglio]

SupaModel,

I understand how you feel. My DH and I are also an interracial couple, and we wanted to adopt a biracial infant, which we did almost 3 weeks ago (hence the late night posting after a feed!). Only you can know what is right for your family.

I agree with being open in your choices; remember, you never know what will happen with an adoption situation (you can accept it or turn it down), and if you really want a child that much, you may find that you can love a child of any race.

The wait is hard, but we all go through it. So there's strength in numbers I would post on some of the "Waiting..." threads.

Best of luck!

[mommamarci]

You mentioned with a full AA child people would assume the child was yours and not your hsuband's. The opposite may happen with a biracial child. My son is biracial. He looks as white as white can be. No texture in his hair. His skin is kind of olive. We have had several people tell us they would have guessed he was part Hispanic. People who don't know we have adopted, assume he is ours biologically. AA people don't believe me when I say he is biracial. There are no guarantees. I have seen full AA kids who are very light and I have seen biracial who are very dark.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you. Good luck!

[loveajax]

Supa, we were done with our HS in Dec. '04 and were matched with our DD who is biracial in April. Those were the looooongest months, it seemed. I know it seems like a long time, but it really has not been (easy for me to say!). I think it is great if a biracial kid can have black and white parents (both DH and I are white). But whatever you decide, I hope your child is home with you soon!!!

[icunurse]

Our agency wouldn't let us "pick and choose" bi-races (so, we couldn't be open to CC/Hispanic, but not full Hispanic), because, as a PP stated, you never know what a biracial child may look like and you need to be prepared that he/she may look completely AA or may look CC. We had to be open to all or nothing for a race.

And I think in society, if you look remotely AA, society tends to see you as AA. Isn't Halle Berry biracial (correct me if I am wrong, please)? She's gorgeous, but I wouldn't question anyone if they said she is completely AA. OTOH, Wentworth Miller (from Prison Break), is biracial and he looks CC. Then think of all the people who are completely AA and their range of skin tones - there isn't any guarantee, even if you had a biological child.

[ocracoke]

Supa,

I get it. You have this image of your child and you believe that is your child. Some may suggest that you hold onto that image and others may suggest that you expand it. It is a personal choice. I am CC and single. I made the decision to adopt internationally from Ethiopia. One night I had a dream that I got my referral and my daughter was CC. I just kept saying over and over in my dream, "but my daughter is Ethiopian!" If Ethiopia had closed to singles or rejected me I don't know what I would have done. I knew my daughter was from there.

You need to follow your heart on this. You need to decide to wait or change your request. Only the 2 of you can make that decision. My daughter is very dark and yet some people have made the assumption that she is biracial since I am her mother. Most people don't think of adoption right off the top. I proudly let people know she is adopted and from Ethiopia. Know what is right for your family and stick with it.

Samantha

[family friend]

I have two biological biracial children and you cannot predict what color your biracial child will be. I have one that is blonde haired, blue eyed, and fair skinned, and the other is a brown haired, hazel eyed, and olive skinned. My husband and I laugh that he would get arrested for kidnapping of our fair child and people would think I had an affair with the olive skinned one. There is no point to thinking that your biracial child will look one way because you just don't know.

[Larue]

I agree that you need to follow your heart. And do what is best for your family. A lot of people want their adopted children to resemble them physically. For a number of reasons. DH and I are Caucasian, and our beautiful Sabrina, who is adopted from Guatemala, looks nothing like us. But that has never been important to us. It’s funny on a few occasions when I was out with Sabrina, I had a couple of people say “she must really look like her father”. And I say. "Hmmmmm….I’m not sure. I haven't met him." That caused a raised eyebrow.

Best wishes and good luck!

[frynche]

Search your heart. Do you want a child to love no matter what, or do you want a child for other reasons? Not judging, but it sounds like appearances are what matter most to you. I am bi-racial but from outward appearances I look like I am "full AA". Some of my siblings "look" bi-racial. My CA father denied me until his dying day, even though DNA testing, not long before he died proved I was 100% without a doubt his. Why it mattered, I don't know. Why it matters to you, I can't answer that either. But if you are going into this with these feelings, then maybe you should rethink this. Do you plan to tell the child that he/she is adopted? If the child is AA and you are too, it shouldn't matter to anyone why you all look different. Please don't do this for the wrong reason.

I just want to adopt a child. I have a loving and stable home and wish to adopt an older child (I have 5 adult bio children) and can't wait for the day that the judge and the system grants this. However I must start over since the agency I was working with denied me due to my work schedule. I advised the agency at my first interview that my schedule was not a problem and that it could and would be changed to accommodate a child. But I was informed last week that I will not be given the opportunity to give a child a forever home. Am I upset about this? Absolutely! But I am not giving up.

I said all that to say, concentrate on being a mother to a child no matter what his DNA states. And if other people's opinion matter that much to you, I think that is unfortunate.

[DancinBear63]

Just to throw in my 2 cents...(clink, clink)

DH and I are an interracial couple (I am AA/ he is CA). We have surrounded ourselves with friends who support us, and we come from families that love both of us. We realize that we can share our love with children of any color, yet we hope to adopt a biracial (AA/CA) infant.

All potential adoptive families have to make many difficult choices. Are we open to an infant or a teen? Will we embrace a child with physical or psychological challenge or one that appears to be in 'perfect' health? Can we parent a child from a different state/country/culture? Will we consider sibling groups or not? Open adoptions, semi open, or closed?

Each time we answer one of these questions, most of us wind up excluding some children from our list of available children. We each have reasons, whatever they might be, behind our decisions. Our reasons may seem difficult for others to understand, and it is sometimes very challenging not to project our own sentiments onto others.

That being said (as I step down from my soapbox), let's have faith that our children will find us, and we will know them when it happens.