[Paul_Houston]

Hello everyone. I'm an adoptive father.

My wife and I adopted a baby 15 months ago. We had the best baby boy we could ever have dreamed, he is sweet and beautiful, and never created any problems to us. It looks like a little Angel.

We decided to adopt after many years of trying everything, artificial insemination, and two in vitro. The last one was a terrible experience, because we lost the baby at the 6th month of pregnancy, and my wife also had a very bad infection after the D&C. So, we decided it was too much, and after a few months we started the process for adopting.

During the adoption process sometimes my wife didn't show to be too happy, but they were only some moments. I was a bit worried, but I was always thinking that the love a little creature would have resolved every possible doubt, that could come from time to time.

The baby came, and each day I think he was really a miracle. An healthy baby boy, sweet, beautiful. He basically never cried, he has been always sleeping, basically never sick, and he always ate without any issues. So, a little, huge, dream.

Obviously since that moment I felt a feeling of happiness, of being a real family.

But my wife, very soon, started complaining about the life we had before, and all the sacrifices we had to start doing because of the baby. I want to highlight that we don't have any economical problems. So, because of that difficulty for my wife, I started doing all I could to help the situation. Even is she doesn't work, then could theoretically have more time and energy than me, she had huge problems to wake up each 3 hours at night to give the formula to the baby, so, after just a few days of both doing that, I always did it, ALWAYS. Not only: since the baby started eating solid food, considering I'm lucky enough to work from home, I have been the only always feeding him, because my wife doesn't have the patience to do it. So, and I'm not kidding, now that the baby is 15 months old, other than probably 2/3 times, all the rest I have been always feeding him. My wife does a lot, because she cooks healthy food for him (we don't give him ready stuff), she does his bath in the morning, and she takes care of the home, but the problem is that all she does is like a terrible heavy duty for her. There are good days, when I hope, but then she reminds me almost every day why we had to adopt a baby, that she did that for me only, and that the nice life we had before is totally gone.

She cares about the baby, but I'd say more for basic tasks, like cooking or cleaning, not about real demonstration of love. Before the baby, she was frequently a bit selfish, but I was hoping that a baby would have resolved a lot of that, because of the unconditional needed love. But I was wrong, because now, and this is quite painful for me, my wife shows to be jealous of the baby. She also told me I care more of him than of her, and terrible things like these.

Last but no least, she doesn't want me any more for intimacy, always with the accusation I destroyed our nice life wanting this baby. And I want to highlight that it was obviously not my idea and desire only, it would have been impossible, but we always did everything together to adopt a baby.

I ask for some help here, for some suggestions, maybe from people that had the same experience: I'm unable to share what's happening with my family or closest friends, because I want to protect the way my wife is behaving: it is so terrible what she is telling me, how selfish she is demonstrating to be, that I cannot let anyone know. Probably the majority would tell me why I remain with a woman that doesn't respect me any more, because this is the reality.

I didn't do anything to her, I still do all I can physically and emotionally to support and help with the baby. I always show her all my love, when she is fine, when is a positive day, I'm the happiest man in the world, because I believe she finally saw what she has. But then, the day after, or few hours later, she changes mood, she starts talking about her friends that are always on vacation, that relax all the time, while she has to sacrifice so much her life for our baby.

She doesn't work, we have a wonderful home, in a wonderful neighborhood , she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, now obviously compatibly with baby schedule. But the baby is a little Angel, he doesn't create any issues, he can go everywhere, eat everything, and always smile.

I don't know what to do, I feel more and more sad about all of this, also because she shows she doesn't understand how she can affect the baby, frequently screaming to me in front of the baby, that we ruined our lives because of him. He is almost 15, he will start understanding soon, and when these things happen, I feel like I'm dying inside.

We could be the happiest people in this world, but she doesn't see it.

I don't really know what to do here. I was sure a baby would have completed us as a family, and we started this together. Now, each day, she is accusing me to have killed her life, our life, because of the baby. And nobody knows about this, she doesn't basically have any real friends, and the few ones she has don't know or suspect anything. On the contrary, we give the idea of the perfect couple, especially because I have a lot of positive energy to pass over everything she could do or say to me, which is a lot. But now I feel my energy is not a lot, I have to work quite a lot, and as I told I'm feeding the baby every day, at breakfast, lunch, mid-afternoon, and dinner. Frequently doing conference calls, or rearranging my schedules in a crazy way so I can take care of him.

She simply doesn't show the mother love for the baby that I would have dreamed to see. And I don't know what to do, because I love her and I love my baby. I love them both more that anything else, but she is basically killing my resistance, I cannot be reminded each day of my life that we are not a couple any more, that she hates me because I decided to adopt the baby. She accusing me about something we decided together with all our love.

Pls help me.


Thanks Paul

[sbaglio]

Paul,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I sounds as if you are a loving father and husband, and wish only the best for your family. I have not been in a similar situation, so can only speak as an "observer", or sorts.

I wonder if your wife has come to terms with the fact that she cannot (or rather, has not) had biological children. I can't imagine that you both did not discuss this decision to adopt long and hard before jumping in, but perhaps there could be feelings of remorse that remain? Again, never having been in this situation, I can't say for sure, but others can speak to this: perhaps one still can have lingering desires or longings about what one "lost" in not having biological children, despite loving one's adopted children. I've seen some stories on this forum from very honest people who speak about their inability to connect with their adopted children, or those who suffer from "post-adoption depression".

Also, I think many people might imagine what life with a child will be like, but when it happens, the reality is very different from the fantasy. Most people go through this period of adjustment, and perhaps your wife's has not been as you would have hoped.

Is getting professional help an option? If you cannot speak with your friends about this, perhaps your wife will be open to meeting with a counselor or mediator. If you adopted through an agency, they might be able to direct you to an appropriate person or organization.

Don't despair. You have the right idea that your son really needs for you and his mother to be there for him, to be parents to him. Continue doing all you can to make things right. I wish you the best of luck.

[rtsmom]

Paul... I'm so sorry for your struggles. You sound like you have a great deal on your plate, to keep things together for your family.

Do you think it might be possible that your wife is dealing with depression? Do you think she would agree to see a therapist, to help her figure out why she is experiencing frequent mood swings?

Obviously, her behaviour is not healthy for you, your son or her.

Janet

[lovemy2boys]

Paul,

My heart goes out to you...Many times people feel that children will make things better, or are the missing component in a marriage, but children add more pressure to a family, especially if there are already issues at hand.

I think counseling is what's needed, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she won't take too well to that suggestion.

However, you all (especially your son) deserve a fair chance at a healthy, peaceful life. He is innocent in all of this, and believe me, will feel and internalize the resentment if it continues.

Good luck to you - I hope for all of your sake that things change, and quickly.

[tweetybirdus]

I think you both should seek some counseling. It seems that she may suffer from depression, PAD, Post Adoption Depression. It happens all the time.

[Gwen72]

Paul,
I am sorry for what you're going through. What you describe of her behavior sounds like depression. Adoptive mothers can have "post partum" depression too. Some think it's because the reality of having a baby doesn't fit the fantasy they've always had. Some women also grieve not being able to have a biological child which could cause depression. Counseling could help. Try suggesting that you go together so she won't feel singled out or "picked on". That may increase her chances of agreeing to it. Whatever happens I hope for the best for you all!

[Saya]

Paul,

I'm so sorry for what you and your family is going through. I think no matter how you have your first child, by birth or adoption, you are never completely ready for the changes in your life. It is (as you know) completely overwhelming. It is perfectly natural to mourn your old life, and to wonder "OMG what have I done." That said, sometimes it's more then just nostalgia for times past. Post-adoption depression (PAD) is real. You can find a board on it here on adoption.com. There is also a good book, Post-Adoption Blues - I don't remember the author's name, but you can google it and find it. Your wife sounds like she's struggling with it - and if I might add, it sounds like you might be too, because of the way you are mourning the way your family dynamic has changed.

One of the traits of post-adoption depression can be the isolation. People feel they can't discuss it with family, friends, professionals, etc. because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. You don't have to go it alone. Let someone know in your life - it's OK to admit things are difficult. It sounds like you really need support from those around you right now. I know from experience that pretending to be "together" all the time in the midst of a crisis can take a terrible toll on people. And I am a STRONG believer in counseling, both individual and couples counseling. I think this could be of great benefit to both of you right now.

One other thought I had while reading your post. I sounds like your wife is a SAHM right now. While that's a great choice for some people, it doesn't work for everyone. It sounds like she's yearning for part of her old life, and maybe going back to work part or full time would make a difference in her quality of life? I know that for me working outside the home makes me a better parent and a better person. Maybe finding some kind of part-time child care could help you both right now. She could begin to reclaim a life outside the house and you could have help with tasks like feeding.

Hugs to you.

[DancinBear63]

I agree with the suggestions about a counselor, but I would also encourage your wife to talk to her family doctor/internist or gynecologist as well. Furthermore, your son's pediatrician might be a good resource too. Good luck, our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[KarynB]

Hi Paul,

I also think that maybe your wife would benefit from a job or some volunteer work outside the home - just from your post it sounds like she is struggling with being a SAHM. It can be tough some days - I know my DH also says - why don't you go out and do something? Some days - I can't think of anything to do! There are only so many times you can walk around a mall, go to an indoor play place or have lunch with friends, you know? The winter is especially tough...

I also struggled with PAD when we brought home our middle son, and it certainly makes you focus on what you have lost...it can take some time to really come back. Would it be possible to get some childcare in your home so she can have some time each week that is just for her? Feel free to PM me for more info...

Since you mentioned there were times during the process she seemed a bit sad, I would also think maybe she is struggling with unresolved infertility issues - can you talk with her about this at all?

I wish you the best of luck - you sound like an amazing father and a very caring husband - I hope this all works out for you.

[EZ2Luv]

Oh Wow I have no words of experience with this. I can only offer prayer and good thoughts.

The first thing that came to mind though in reading this is the possibility of depression. SO I echo what others have said. A good place to start is with you family doctor or PCP. Sometimes depression can be caused by thyroid problems or other physical problems. A good medical work up would be able to detect any of that.

Depression is not uncommon after an adoption or baby. Sometimes aparents set themselves up into thinking that after a long road of struggling to have a baby that once they do have a baby everything will be great. Then when the baby is a reality they realize this has not happened so they are let down.

Talk therapy is also wonderful. Sometimes in just hearing yourself say something we get that lightbulb moment or hear that the person we are talking with has goe through the same thing so we are not alone. Right now your wife is feeling pretty isolated so that right there could cause alot of her problems. Definately check to see i there is something medically going on though. Sometimes hormones used in ART and IVF can really mess up things physically. if that is the case your wife is not intentionally saying or doing these things, it is sort of just happening to her. Even still , not a good reason to continue. This behavior needs to stop for everyones sake.

Again, my prayers and good thoughts are going out to you.

Good Luck

EZ

[EZ2Luv]

Sorry Double Post

[KIC1975]

Wow, that's a tough situation. I just recently read a book: Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption
The Post-Adoption Blues Book Review

It's really good and addresses lots of the issues that y'all are having. Check it out.

Good luck, I hope things get better soon.

[redbonec]

Hello Paul,

Your family is in a tough spot. It does sound like your wife could possibly be depressed. Like others have suggested, you could become informed about Post Adoptive Depression.

As for myself, we moved to a new town one week before our daughter was born. I had worked 12 years until that time, then we moved and I have been fortunate to stay home with her. At first though, for several months, it was very hard. Someone here mentioned isolation--I am finding now as I am meeting more moms--peers have been very important for me. I did try the first year to meet people--a couple groups at church--but no one I could relate to because no one else in those groups I met had a young baby. I even was in a moms group for 9 months--you'd thing I'd have met someone to connect with. No.

Now, just in the last few months, I have met 3 moms I really connect with. It is completely amazing how my stess level went way down when I realized other moms go through the same things. Just the other day a mom mentioned how when her son was younger, her husband would come home and she was upset because she was trying to make dinner at the same time her son was crying and fussy. I thought, wow, someone else felt that way too besides me. So, it is amazing how knowing someone else can relate to you can make such a big difference.

I have realized that I used to take friendships for granted--I always had friends, until our move here. Now I realize that friendships are very important for me.

I am sorry you are all going through a rough time. I hope your family finds help in some way.

SIncerely,
Michelle

[chrisandaaron]

I second and third and forth the depression ideas! Do anything you can to get her to talk to a doctor. It may be wise for both of you to discuss this with your family doctor and ask them to help guide you in the right direction. After a women gives birth her physician is often on the look out for depression. After an adoption we don't generally need to see our physician so they can't be watching out for us. Glad she has you!

[CaddoRose]

It sounds like she could really use professional help. All of the things you are describing point to any number of diagnosis that could be helped by a professional.

Sometimes we have a hard time seeing depression or similar states as an actual medical illness.(I'm not saying you are doing this). It helps to imagine that if your wife had a broken bone sticking out of her leg, you would immediately run to the doctor. We just can't see the broken bones in depression, but the injury is just as severe.

You know something is wrong. You are describing all the things you see that are coming from your wife and all of these things are so strange for her. You KNOW her.

As others have suggested, go to your general doctor first, even if you go by yourself for advice. Your wife is probably too ill to see she needs help. Some people still can't admit they have a problem such as depression because they believe there is a stigma attached to that diagnosis. Once you get information from your doctor, you would then know how to proceed.