[akcskye]

Friends...I need some serious thoughts on what to do here.

First, let me mention, our adoption is 100% closed because of continuous mental anguish and emotional anguish and physical harm that came to our children through their birth family members.

I have found the kid's birth mom's myspace, and she has the cutest pictures of their 1/2 sister.

I have not shown them to the kids yet.

I am getting pretty concerned about what she might be involved with...because one of her only 4 friends on myspace is a Satanist.

I know, I know...freedom of religion is freedom of religion...but the baby, though cute, doesn't really look happy, and the birth mother's pictures look tired and like she's fake smiling in the pictures she's putting out...like she's not happy, either.

I am concerned that this gentleman, who is a tattoo artist (NOTHING wrong with this) as well as a Satanist, may be "more" than just a friend, and with her repeated poor choices in life where men are concerned...I am just too "in the emotions" to figure out what to do.

I have huge red flags, but do I act upon them, leave things be and *spy* (meaning monitor her myspace) from a far and continue to pray for the best for her and her baby, or what?

[lorilei23]

I used to be friends with a lot of Goth type kids in high school and college, and lots of tattooed/pierced goofy people I knew quite a few people who considered themselves "Satanists" but none of them were even remotely interested in violence, animal sacrifice or any type of Satan worshiping activities. I am guessing that is what you are worried about- that this guy might be dangerous or something? I personally wouldn't ever get involved in it in any way because I am a Christian, but for the most part what those people believe is not generally dangerous/violent. Its actually very different from the commonly held perception-most of them are weird but don't actually worship the devil or evil forces per se.
Its also pretty popular among certain groups of people to joke or pretend/posture about that kind of thing. From just a posting on myspace that he's a satanist, I don't think you should necessarily worry about him being a danger to anyone. There are definitely some creepy scary people who might say they are Satanists, but in reality I think they're not so common. So in terms of that alone I personally wouldn't worry too much.
I'm not sure what I would think about the pictures of her and her daughter though. I guess I might monitor her page since it is public after all and see if anything else came up but at this point it doesn't sound like there is anything concrete that would point to danger or a bad situation. Obviously I don't know about her previous behavior or life situation though so I wouldn't want to say that for certain.

[RavenSong]

If your children's adoption is "100-percent closed", I fail to see how their birthmother's current behavior and choices would be affecting them now. Why do you feel it necessary to monitor her MySpace page? Are you worried about their half-sister? Are you hoping to adopt her? If not, then I don't see what the problem is.

I don't mean any disrespect ~ I'm just confused about why you think you should do something or not about her personal choices.

[belleinblue1978]

While I understand your concern, her choices aren't affecting your kids. She gave up the right to parent them and see them etc.

She needs her privacy too. If my son's mom and dad chose not to have contact with me for whatever reason but then monitored my web page or whatever, I'd be mad.

As for the Satanist thing, well creeps reside in every faith. Just because someone is a Satanist doesn't mean they are killing goats and stuff. Some of the worst criminals claim to be Christian.... Just some food for thought.

[akcskye]

No offense taken.

And that is exactly why I am monitoring her...because she tends to have this "do good 2 years, screw up big time" pattern, and we would accept the 1/2 sib in a heartbeat IF we knew she was ever placed in foster care.

Originally Posted by RavenSong

If your children's adoption is "100-percent closed", I fail to see how their birthmother's current behavior and choices would be affecting them now. Why do you feel it necessary to monitor her MySpace page? Are you worried about their half-sister? Are you hoping to adopt her? If not, then I don't see what the problem is.

I don't mean any disrespect ~ I'm just confused about why you think you should do something or not about her personal choices.

[browneyes0707]

I have to chime in with my experience on myspace and adoption

I found my daughter on myspace. Yes, she said there that she wanted to meet her birthparents. In real life, not so much. It's OK. But the bottom line is that a lot of people let their guards down there, not realizing that everyone can read what is on there and see them.

I am one of those people that do not put things out on the internet that I don't want everyone to see. My profile is private. Not because I have anything to hide, just because I don't need the world to see what I'm up to (ie: ex's or people I don't know). But still, there are things there that people might take out of context. For example, there is a guy in my town that is legendary for walking around and giving people the finger. A friend of mine posted a pic of him flippping people off. It's a joke to me, a part of my hometown. To others, it might be obscene. And those that don't know the significance, it might be weird.

For the record, my DD's a-mom is on my friends list. So she gets to see everything. But I'm sure if she sees other's profiles, she might see things that are not acceptable. I can't apologize for it, because they might be people I had a close friendship at one point with, but not part of my everyday. Doesn't make them bad people. But if she asked, I'd explain it, the connection (I was on the swim team with them 20 years ago, etc.) I can tell you that I'm not a pot head, tho one of my friends might be KWIM??

Your child's b-mom might not be able to explain because she has no idea you are looking. Smoke does not always equal fire, as I have learned.

I'm sorry, but I have strong feelings about it. I can't say to people "Sorry, I can't be your "friend" because my DD's a- mom might think less of you". I have to trust that if there is a question, that she would ask me about it. But she asked me to add her, I know she is looking. She does not know that you are looking, and therefore might not be censoring appropriately.

My point, you can't judge on obervation. I have learned the hard way myself that sometimes when we snoop, we see things we can't handle. Sometimes it's better not to know, because what is in our heads is different than what is. I've been there.

Hope that helps

[HBV]

If the 1/2 sib goes into foster care, won't DHS notify you first as a potential kinship placement?

I don't think you're likely to find out about the 1/2 sib being taken into custody from myspace and it is going to drive you nuts in the interim.

[akcskye]

I don't know.

It would depend upon how well they researched her.

She lives in another state now, but she did lose my children in this state before (the "good 2 years then screw up" years started in this state)...so I suppose it would be up to the SW and their "work ethic" to dig in and see if she ever had any other kids if birth mother were to say no.

I know her myspace wouldn't probably tell me that the child is in custody, I'm not looking for that.

But, I just want to make sure things seem "okay" because even though I *hate* (the actions) her for what she did, I REALLY want her to wake up and treat this baby right...that is my prayer nightly...for her to KEEP this baby and enjoy life by making good choices for a change.

However, this baby's biological father was a convicted child abuser (she was forced to abandon the relationship as terms of her probation), and she's a sex offender (not toward my children)...so she's got SUCH a long way to go that I don't want temptation to hit her when she least expects it and backslide.

Originally Posted by HBV

If the 1/2 sib goes into foster care, won't DHS notify you first as a potential kinship placement?

I don't think you're likely to find out about the 1/2 sib being taken into custody from myspace and it is going to drive you nuts in the interim.

[akcskye]

And folks, PLEASE, keep coming with your answers...it is helping me greatly, and I know it will help others as well who may face this in the future.

Some of it, sure, I don't want to "hear"...but it gives me the "total" picture rather than just "my emotions" side of things.

Thank you for being nice enough to read and reply and be honest with your thoughts.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by akcskye

Friends...I need some serious thoughts on what to do here.

First, let me mention, our adoption is 100% closed because of continuous mental anguish and emotional anguish and physical harm that came to our children through their birth family members.

I have found the kid's birth mom's myspace, and she has the cutest pictures of their 1/2 sister.

I have not shown them to the kids yet.

I am getting pretty concerned about what she might be involved with...because one of her only 4 friends on myspace is a Satanist.

I know, I know...freedom of religion is freedom of religion...but the baby, though cute, doesn't really look happy, and the birth mother's pictures look tired and like she's fake smiling in the pictures she's putting out...like she's not happy, either.

I am concerned that this gentleman, who is a tattoo artist (NOTHING wrong with this) as well as a Satanist, may be "more" than just a friend, and with her repeated poor choices in life where men are concerned...I am just too "in the emotions" to figure out what to do.

I have huge red flags, but do I act upon them, leave things be and *spy* (meaning monitor her myspace) from a far and continue to pray for the best for her and her baby, or what?

I would definately save the pictures. Save them to your computer and then go to an online place like snapfish.com to order prints. That way you'll have copies for your kids in the future.

I definately wouldn't mention it to the kids. It would be really hard for them and what they would be imagining (since they've lived a life with her) might be even worse than this new sibling's reality. Their lives would be consumed with worry and they can't do anything at this point to help the new baby.

I might also be tempted to send the myspace link to the kids' old social worker as an FYI. Let him/her know that if the sibling should ever come into care that you would be willing to consider it.

From the description you gave, it doesn't sound like it's anything they can really investigate..but at least they'll know there is a baby out there who might need protecting.

As for searching MYSPACE, I don't see that as invading anyone's privacy (closed adoption or not). If you're going to make a profile on the world wide web, post pictures & descriptions for all to see, you're not really into "privacy" as a general rule. So, it's not like anyone could "invade" it. If you choose to make your life public, you can't then complain that everyone knows your business. The whole purpose of birthmom making this page on the web and leaving it open to the public (rather than on a "friends only" basis) was so the general public could visit. If she didn't want people to see her, her new child, or hear about her lifestyle, she wouldn't have used her real name (so people couldn't do a 'search' for her and find her) and she would keep the profile private.

[teendoc]

Honestly I think you are crossing a boundary big-time. This adult woman is not your responsibility. She has the right to live her life as she sees fit without input from you or anyone else, in truth.

Your checking up on her and coming to conclusions about her life based on a MySpace page seems absurd. My advice for the little it is worth, is to get back on your side of the street and leave her alone to lead her life. If you have real evidence of child abuse or criminal activity, that is another story. But at this point, her life is not your business.

[court5505]

Since her profile is not "private", I don't think you're invading her privacy. However, I don't see what good is going to come of it if you keep checking it out. I think all that it's going to do is drive you crazy and upset you.

[kelceesmom]

If she is not private on myspace than you aren't really crossing a line IMO. But, like Court says, if you continually keep checking you will drive yourself nuts wondering if today might be the day that things go wrong for her.

I have never even thought about searching for Kelcee's bparents on myspace only because I don't want to know if things are even worse in their family. Good luck.

[MrsHoot]

Originally Posted by teendoc

Honestly I think you are crossing a boundary big-time. This adult woman is not your responsibility. She has the right to live her life as she sees fit without input from you or anyone else, in truth.

Your checking up on her and coming to conclusions about her life based on a MySpace page seems absurd. My advice for the little it is worth, is to get back on your side of the street and leave her alone to lead her life. If you have real evidence of child abuse or criminal activity, that is another story. But at this point, her life is not your business.

I have to agree. Her life should not be your concern. If you want to gawk over her page and keep an eye on her - that's up to you...but you will get caught one day by one of her kids...are you ready to explain it to them, what they might see, answer the questions they will have? If not, don't even go there anymore.

And who knows who she'll end up being 10, 25, 20 years from now when her children are grown and are face to face with her...she may be a totally different person with totally different friends by then.

[NJNative]

I know you are concerned about your kids, and I can certainly understand that. However...

I do wonder why so many people are automatically prejudiced against people who are non-religious or non-traditional religions. I am an atheist. And a nice suburban mom.

One of the best teachers my son has ever had teaches in his private school because he's Pagan, and wears a silver pentagram, the same way any Christian would wear a cross. But in a public school, he was told never to allow that to be seen over his shirt.

Personally, I don't believe in Satanism (anymore than I believe in Christianity). But just because a person is a Satanist doesn't mean he's a bad person.

Can't we all judge a person by their actions, rather than their religious preference or lack thereof?

Robin