[BlessedBe]

Does anyone know of anyone who has adopted more than one child from a birthmother?

Both of our children have the same birthmother. I've heard of people adopting two from the same birthmother. But, never three. Have any of you heard of this before?

Just, ummm, asking.

[billysmommy]

I've got two from the same first mom - ds is 6, dd is 3. I know of quite a few people with situations like mine (and yours), but haven't heard of any with more than two.
Will you be the first?!?!

[BlessedBe]

billysmommy,

Not sure if I'll be the first or not. It's just so early to determine. DH and I are discussing this potential situation.

We could have three under three if this happens.

I guess I'm just really afraid of the judgment that may be passed on bmom, on us for deciding to adopt again so soon, and just overall lack of support.

Thanks for responding!

Btw, your children are cuties!!!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by BlessedBe

billysmommy,
I guess I'm just really afraid of the judgment that may be passed on bmom, on us for deciding to adopt again so soon, and just overall lack of support.

I am not passing judgement on the birthmom, but I am concerned for her. Is she getting counseling? I know of a number of women who have place multiple children. They do so often because of the low self-esteem issues, the attention and praise that placing gets them or a need to fill a void - only to find that they are still not in a position to parent. Please insist she get counseling so this does not happen again. With every loss there is more emotional damage.

[BlessedBe]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

I am not passing judgement on the birthmom, but I am concerned for her. Is she getting counseling? I know of a number of women who have place multiple children. They do so often because of the low self-esteem issues, the attention and praise that placing gets them or a need to fill a void - only to find that they are still not in a position to parent. Please insist she get counseling so this does not happen again. With every loss there is more emotional damage.

I am concerned about her as well. Because we are in an open adoption, I am well aware of her currenet lifestyle. No, she is not getting counseling. She feels that she does not need it.

After her first the birth and placement of DS, I had hoped she would get things straightened out in her life and think of him as the incentive to do so. Then, DD came along. Both times she talked of great things after the birth of the babies. I know now that her troubles go much deeper than a lack of education or family support.

My issue with this situation is that DH and I would so very much want to adopt this baby. But, in talking with a very close friend of mine, she felt that we should really not consider the adoption of this child (if that is what mother and father decide) because birthmom needs to "learn" that we are not going to "save" her every time she has an unplanned pregnancy. I am quite upset about her statement because no matter the circumstances, there would be a child in need of a stable, loving home. I do not think my heart could handle telling her no to a child who would be very welcomed into our home. A child who is a biological sibling to our children.

It's all so complicated, on her end and ours. There is much that I do not feel at liberty about birthmom's situation to discuss openly on the board. But, I do not want for her the life she is living. I want a better life for her. I have unconditional love for the birthmother of our children. I just do not agree with some of her choices.

Again, just thinking this through even though she has not asked us to parent her child yet. But, I feel it coming. I am also aware that the father of the baby may intend on raising this baby. And if so, all of this discussion will have been just for my sanity.

Thanks to you girls for listening while I "talk" through things.

[kakuehl]

I'm not sure what happens to the child while you are proving that "you're not here tio save her"!

How old is bmom? Have you talked to her about counseling lately? Especially if she ends up pregnant again, you could express to her how concerned you are for her emotional health (knowing how difficult it is to "give up" multiple children even when she knows how loved and well cared for they are.

I know it's a tricky situation because she is not your child, she is the one who gave birth to your children.

BTW, my bson and his wife currently have 3 under 3! It's a crazy, challenging life! (And they wouldn't give up any of them for anything! LOL).

[BethanyB]

I have bio siblings who are a year apart in age. My kids came from the foster care system though. I brought my son home straight from the hospital at two weeks old. A year later I got the call that my son's bio mom had another baby. She was also two weeks old when I brought her home from the hospital. I was very much expecting another call but have not gotten one yet. My kids are now 3 and a half and 2 and a half. I would take another sibling if one came along.

I think you should take the baby as well. Right now there is a baby on the way. That child is going to be adopted by someone. I think it should be you because you have the child's siblings. It is so wondeful to know that my kids have each other. They are bio siblings and have a tie to each other. That I think will be very important when they come to realize they are not with their bio family. They will have each other to lean on and support. I think if at all possible siblings should be together.

BUT if you decide to adopt this child, you need to make sure that you tell this young woman that this is the last child you will be able to adopt. That you want to provide the children you do have with a good life and that you don't feel you would be able to handle any more than you have now. She needs to know that you do not plan to keep doing this.

I also think someone needs to take her to counseling and find out what is going on in her life.

In my kids situation, the bio mom wanted to keep her kids and they were taken from her because she had problems. Your kids bio mom continuing to place kids makes me worry about her.

[PackGirl]

I have tried to pm you...but your pm box is full!

I also disagree with your friend that you shouldnt "bail her out anymore". If she is unable/unwilling to raise this child and you and your dh feel that you want another child.... then by all means keep the sibs together. You may want to ask though if their mom is willing to prevent another pregnancy. I also think that Counsiling is a great ideal.

Part of what I will say is to lean more on advice given to those who have btdt.... people who have not been in this or in a similar situation can look in and give an opionion...but it is not going to be an opinion based on expierence.

pm me when your in-box has been emptied!!!

jmho

[tallgibb]

Hello BlessedBe,

Looks like we are in the same boat! There is a #3 from our 2 dd's birthmom due in March. The plan is adoption with us (though there are some *issues* so I feel about 70% that this will happen). So we will have a 37m, 26.5m, and newborn. All same birthmom, and 2 so far different bf, but this next one *might* have same bf as our second.

As with you lots of stuff to concider on both sides. We've decided we'd love baby, if it happens fairly soon after birth. There might be an issue w/ bf rights and if that door is opened (that potential bf#2 decideds to pursue parenting) then we opt out. We adopted our second dd at 21m and though we love love love her; the whole situation was/is extreamly hard for us and we know we can't emotionally do it again. It would be so hard knowing that there is a sibling out there in limbo, but we know what we can handle, exp with our 2 at home so young and close in age. (11.5m apart)

yes birthmom is in counsoling, and is saying she doesnot want to get preg. again untill she knows she would be able to parent. She does have a good support system.

[Leigh131313]

As far as your friends and such......if you want to adopt this baby (and you are asked) are you really going to let THEM persuade you not to? Just to teach some sort of "lesson"???

Sorry - that just sounds crazy to me. Very reminiscent of jr. High.


I would strongly suggest you talk with your kids birthmom about councelling. You may want to talk about how your family may not be able to accomodate another (fourth) baby. In a kind way of course.

[loveajax]

BlessedBe, I just wanted to wish you luck! You would be the first person I know who has adopted three kids from one birth mom. But I do have friends who have adopted kids where the birth mom had placed two or three kids for adoption previously. Frankly, I think it is really nice (if the adoption is going to happen) for siblings to stay together. Keep us posted!

[Barksum]

Our situation is slightly different in that the birth mom is a relative, but there are 6 children, and birth mom has custody of none of them. Several relatives have adopted the kids.

Yes, we have encountered the 'if you keep taking the kids you're enabling the birth mom to continue to do what she wants with no responsibility'. I like to remind people that I believe the very last thing on birth mom's mind at the time of the conception of each of her children is whether or not there is a relative who will adopt the baby if one is conceived.

Additionally, birth mom doesn't deal well with real reality. She always plans to keep the babies and be a mom and have this wonderful life. She does not, however, put into motion any of the things that would make this a part of reality for her. So...she doesn't have any of the kids.

We have made the decision to adopt/not to adopt based on what is best for our family and the children already in our home. Saying yes brings difficulties of course, but saying no was by far the most difficult. We did not say no so that the birth mom would learn any lessons. It really isn't up to me to attempt to teach her; she's an adult and she knows with her head all that she 'should' be doing. She chooses to not do the things that she needs to do to ensure a home for her children. She engages in activities that preclude raising her own children. She is involved with others who have instructed her on what is necessary and she is in touch with any number of helpful professionals who can guide her in how to change direction, should she choose. She doesn't see the need, and thus doesn't choose to change. That is her choice and I can't force things one way or the other.

Adopting a child is a major decision and there are many factors that go into making that decision. Having support from friends and family is NICE but not always possible. The opinions of others isn't the main factor in deciding whether or not to have children, of course, but it is one of those things that you have to consider and plan around. A plan along the lines of, "My best friend thinks we are making the wrong decision, so I need to have a game plan in place to deal with her lack of support and her hurtful comments." Then you go on and plan your schedule with other babysitters, and look for emotional support from others instead of that person.

I know of other families who have adopted 2, 3, or more siblings from the same birth mother. Not in a private domestic adoption, but through foster care. The birth mom would have more children after the adoption was final of an older child (or children) and the adoptive parents are the first to be sought as foster or adoptive resources by the state in the event that more siblings come into state care.

Remember that friends often don't like the decisions we make. It is wise to listen and consider their objections, but after weighing them we need to determine for ourselves what is best for our families according to our standards.

[BlessedBe]

Thank you all for your support and advice!

I guess the thing that has thrown me for a loop is that this is the first time in adoption journeys that we have not been completely supported. It has just thrown me for a loop! I have casually mentioned it to her since then and she totally has not even been open to discussing it. I guess I'm just afraid this is the reaction that I'm going to get from everyone.

I do know it would ultimately be our decision. But, I never want an "I told you so" by anyone if, I mean when, DH and I are stressed to the max at times while raising three children so close in age.

We have already had to turn down one potential birthmother before and it ripped my heart out to do so. I do not think I could ever turn down a child that was biologically related to my children and live with no regret about it.

One of main concerns right now is not knowing where this is headed. She did hint to placing, but I think was afraid to come right out and ask us. We don't know how far along she is in this pregnancy. She very well could be near delivery. I would like to call her and just ask what her intentions are, but I'm afraid that would put pressure on her. That's the last thing she needs.

Ooo, my head hurts.

[crick]

I adopted my 4 children from foster care. They all have the same mom & dad. I believe at last count, there are somewhere between 10-13 half siblings from their dad's side alone. Dad uhm...well...he's "productive" but not responsible.

Last I knew, he was not raising any of the children he "fathered" and the last woman he was with just had her 2 children removed from her care and adopted by another family. I know that mom had 1 more child, possibly 2, but have no idea if they remain with her or not.

I can only say that wrestling with the idea and decision to adopt a biological sibling of my kids has been a up and down roller coaster for me.

While I would like to say "sure...it's important to keep the kids together since they share biological connection", on the other hand....it becomes a point of adopting a child to "save" rather than a true desire to build your family. Personally I don't feel it's the right decision to parent again. Bottom line for me was my family is complete and I think once I figured out my bottom line, it made this roller coaster easier to ride.

If we have an opportunity to foster relationships with their 1/2 siblings, that is a possibility and at some point, I'm sure we'll cross that bridge.

If you feel your family is not yet complete and you truly want to be a parent again, then I think how you do that is not your friend's business. I would though hope you are not considering a placement "just because" of the biological connection of siblings. You talk about regret if you don't, but if you consider that down the line there might be a 4th, 5th, 6th child and feel you will not be in a position to have that big of a family, you will likely have that twinge of regret anyway and it's perhaps not the best way to adopt a child. Really doesn't have that much to do with "saving" bmom...because as Barki said above, she's making her own decisions regardless. All you can really do is decide what is right for your family and make decisions based on that.

[Barksum]

Yeah, I hear you Blessed. It is nasty to have people not be supportive, and to say I told you so. We had friends/family members who were pretty concerned about us adopting at all ("taking on other peoples' problems" was how it was phrased) and I still have to be careful to not be tired or frustrated over parenting and family issues in front of them. I envision them saying in their minds, "See, you adopted all those problem children and now look, you're tired and they're nothing but a drain on you." Never mind that all parenting is draining, frustrating and tiring at times! I was disappointed in some of the friends who felt this way and it kind of put a bit of a shadow on our joy. But for us it has been 7 years and 4 adoptions and I've developed a thicker skin in the process. It used to hurt terribly every time someone raised their eyebrows and smirked, or said something hurtful. Now it still stings, but I'm usually able to just kind of shrug and know that they are entitled to their opinions. (Still stings, though!)

As to the part about saying no to a sibling, yow. It has really hurt to have to say no. We have 5 kids, 3 of whom have identified special needs. We were contacted regarding siblings of two of our kids (one sibling each). We're out of room, and I'm out of me. I'd love to have a mother's helper or a nanny/housekeeper and take the siblings. It is a grief to me that I can't parent all my kids' siblings, that the siblings don't get to grow up together. I don't know how this will play out in the future, but I do know that every time I think about it I get a twinge. It hurts! But I, personally, am at my limits. I can't do more and still meet the needs of the kids already in our home. And I'm very saddened by that.

I had to think about this hard and heavy all summer because we knew we'd most likely be called upon to consider adopting the latest baby. (We know there will be future babies, too.) I finally realized that I felt guilty over not being able to maintain a sibling relationship and family for my kids and their half siblings. I felt responsible for not making it all better, for not providing what I felt was the best case scenario. Once I identified why I was so upset and sad and guilty, I went on to realize that I did not do this to my children, or to their siblings. If we can't parent more children, that isn't a failure on my part. I did not create the situation, and I am not personally responsible for 'making it all right' for everyone. I can't 'make it all right'. Once I recognized that I can't be responsible for all the wrongs these kids (my kids and their half sibs) suffer, it brought an uneasy resolution to my guilt and sadness. I have physical limits, and I need to reserve what I have for my children, already home with us.

I'm still sad and I still struggle with feeling guilty that I can't fix it all and make everything 'happily ever after', but I recognize that I can't and that it isn't my responsibility to do that. Whew! You don't know how hard that is to write! Family is VERY important to Dh and I and to not be able to parent 1, or 4, or more children (the one birth mom has a baby a year, and we know there will be more babies in future) just breaks my heart. I know that not adopting more children is the right thing to do...but boy, is it a hard, hard, hard decision and obviously I still struggle with the hurt involved.

Hope that you and Dh are able to reach a decision and be at peace in your hearts over how you decide to proceed.