[lilraskels]

I got an email today from my sons birth father telling me to call him. I did since his health is not all that great. And the first thing he said was "I don't know how to ask this but I need to see if you will western union me fourty dollars?" "I can pay you back on the first!" I was shocked as the time continued he told me about the kids bmother and ect... But I had to mention that my son was doing good! Not alot of talk about him though and he got off the phone. I was just wondering how many of you have to deal with the same issues of the bparents wanting money?
My babies bmom is the same way she is in jail because of drugs and she too will write and ask me to send her money!!!Ugh....

[RavenSong]

I hope you don't mind a bmom chiming in here, but I had to reply to this post. When I saw the request of $40, I had to laugh. I would bet my bottom dollar that he wants the money for drugs.

One of my friends from childhood became a heroin addict in adulthood. I rarely heard from her, but when I did, it was almost always a request for $25. The reason would always be different, but the amount always remained the same. Come to find out, that's what heroin was selling for in those days. I would imagine that today's price for many drugs is $40 or $50.

I do have to give my friend credit for her ingenuity, though. A couple months before she died, she called me up to ask if I would give her $100 to help find her birthmother. I had just reunited with my son, so I think she thought I'd be a "softie" about it. I laughed at the time, and told her I'd do the search for free. She then stated that the $100 was really for a new pair of glasses. So, I told her I'd take her to the optometrist and pay for the glasses in person. She then decided that she didn't need the money after all, bless her heart.

[lilraskels]

Raven~
Thank you so much for sharing your story. No, I always want all sides of the triad opinion. You know it could be you are right on, and I thought so myself although wanting to give him credit for just getting out of rehab! He had been doing good then hit bottom I told him to just pick hisself up again. He did go see the kids momma telling me she was 'strung out'. He told me he gave her money I explained to him how he was ableing her to do what she does. But he is so right there with her it is sad. It breaks my heart to see so many fall into the hand of drugs it is such a powerful addiction.

[RavenSong]

Is he attending any 12-step meetings, like Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)? If he just got out of rehab, he needs to get his butt to a meeting. He also needs to get a sponsor, take the cotton out of his ears and put it in his mouth, work his steps, and do what his sponsor tells him. It's hard work, but he can do it if he takes it one day at a time and works his program.

I know I sound kind of hard-nosed in the above paragraph. But I don't believe in handling addicts with kid gloves. I've lost too many friends and loved ones to the disease of addiction. And I've gone to way too many funerals over the past 35 years or so. Recovery IS possible, and sometimes you have to be tough with the addict, and that includes seeing thru their crap.

I think it's wonderful that he just got out of rehab, but I'll warn you: sometimes they go right back to the drugs or alcohol. I put my son into rehab numerous times, only to see him go right back out and start using again. He finally got clean and sober after about 3 or 4 years of going thru the revolving doors of rehab. He's been clean now for around 12 years or so.

[alinev]

We have had the same situation with our son's (2) bmom. The money is not for drugs, I know that. Unfortunately, she is not someone who makes the best of choices and as a single mom with 2 other kids she finds herself in a bind quite frequently. I saw a few photos of her on myspace - the breasts looked pretty great - new. I do believe that she really is a good person, just not presently capable of getting out of her own way. First time we sent money, not an inconsequential amount, our choice. Second time the request was double and we made the decision that it had to end and we have not heard since. With maturity, insight and a good bit of luck, we hope things will change for her.

[RavenSong]

Alinev, I love your statement, "I do believe that she really is a good person, just not presently capable of getting out of her own way." That is such a great way of phrasing it!!

I think you were very wise not to comply with her second request for more money. It's way too easy for some people to make a habit of asking others' for money. I have a close friend who fell into this habit for a period of time. She was having a hard time financially, so I helped her out. But then she kept asking me for more loans, and larger amounts of money. I finally had to say "No", and stick to my guns. She finally quit asking me for money. And we're still great friends to this day ~ I don't think we would still be friends if I had kept "loaning" her money that she never repaid!

Sometimes, I believe we just have to be firm, yet loving, with the people we love....

[mg1970]

I don't know anything about your bparents situation or what this money might be for but my advice is unless you want this to be a frequent thing, don't do it. Also, if you do decide to send the money -- don't expect it back.

I wouldn't think twice about saying no -- but that is me. I think you need to be really clear about your boundries. It is not your responsibility to support them financially.

M

[danhanan]

We went through this also. The first few times, bdad was still in town and did pay us back. Then he stopped paying us back but didn't stop asking. Now, he's 1000 miles away and he would call and ask. We finally said no and not only did he get angry, but he made a statement about how we should do it and take it off our tab - suggesting that we owed it to him because he signed relinquishment!!!!! He's been in rehab a few times and never does well for more than a month at best upon leaving. Som, now he knows better than to even ask. Please save yourself some trouble and be tougher than I was.

[BrandyHagz]

My advice is this:

Don't do it unless you are prepared to continue to do it for some time.

Don't do it unless you can afford not to have it paid back.

Birth parent or not - loans to people who are 'down on their luck' should be viewed as gifts...rarely do they get themselves on their feet enough to afford to be able to pay you back.

I experienced this with my daughters adoptive parents...I allowed them to take advantage of me, because I felt bad for the position they were in (while raising my daughter).

After dealing with that (and in the end, having my daughter and her mother move in with me to help them out) - I had to draw my line in the sand.

I used a lot (almost all) of my savings - I did it knowing I'd never see a dime in return - but hoping that when things ''looked up" they'd man up and pay me back (at least some of) what I'd given them to help out.

After cutting off the personal ATM - our relationship has become even more strained - to the point where I've had to cut contact with my daughters family.

It's an ugly ugly mess...

Take the word 'birth parent' or 'birth father' out of it - then decide, would I give this random person help, expecting never to see a dime in return? If the answer is yes, then go ahead - but if the answer is anything but yes, don't do it.

The answer, for me, was yes...but saying yes over and over became old - and when the answer started to become no...well...things just blew up.

[lilraskels]

Thank all of you so much for your advice. It sure was needed. I know he has fallen to the hands of addiction over and over again. I do not want to able him to do this. If I was closer I would at least take him food if that is what was needed but not knowing I don't want to put money in his hands. I would of though he would of asked if I could spare it but.............. it was as though he didn't care. As if he thinks we are 'wealthy' and can support him and my son. It is hard when you know it is your kids dad but he is an adult and can provide. He has no family to speak of since his adad died. But I can not take on him and my son. I guess to some extent I feel guilty just thinking of him as a human in a hardship because I too have been there (of course never in the drug situation but...)

[open heart]

I think that if you want to take the risk and try and help you should do like RavenSong did and offer to pay directly to what ever the need is. If he does have a legit need for the money, having cash in his hand might be a little too tempting for him.