[September.Mom]

Hi everyone. Just thought I'd give you all an update on our situation. I am the one who posted THIS and THIS and THIS.

Well, after my husband and I discussed it quite a bit today, we've decided that we are going to close our adoption until Keeley decides she wants to persue getting to know her birth-mom.

We've had so many problems with the B-Mom's mom and we sent the B-Mom an e-mail saying that we will stick to the five visits, but her parents could only attend two of them or we could cut the visits down to three with her parents being able to attend all. That was on January 2nd. Today we received a reply from B-Mom's fiance.

Highlights on some of the things he said (not quoting ) :

~ He said I was immature for my age in regards to how I handle the visits.

~ He said that the only reason I gave B-Mom the choice of either five visits a year (2 w/B-Grandparents) or three visits a year (all w/B-Grandparents) is because I'm hoping that the B-Mom will choose the three visits basically so I don't have to see her as often.

~ He says that I'm trying to get the B-Grandparents out of the picture because I can't manipulate them like I can the B-Mom. He says I want the B-Grandparents out so I can then kick B-Mom out of DD's life.

~ He said that me saying the environment had to be light-hearted at all visits because DD was old enough to pick up on what's going on (she's 23 months) was me using DD as a scapegoat. He told me how low I was for using a baby as an excuse to get what I want.

~ He also said that I have spite toward DD's B-Mom and that when DD does know what's going on, it won't be good for me or anyone else involved.

~ He told me that B-Mom regretted adopting out DD and said that he wishes he was the B-Dad so that I wouldn't have DD.

~ I put the visits on hold at the beginning of November and said somewhere at some point in the chaos and drama that was going on that our lives would be so much simpler if we never adopted DD. He threw that back in my face and said that I need to bring DD back to where she belongs.

~ He said that I can't handle it and usually mothers that are like that will abuse, neglect, or kill their child.

~ He told me that I only think of myself and hopes one day that I can find it in my heart to set aside my selfishness and think of someone other than myself.

~ He was also kind enough to remind me that if it weren't for B-Mom, I wouldn't have DD.

Wow. Yep. That's it. We have been dealing with so much and putting up with so much from the B-Grandma and now here comes the fiance into the picture starting stuff. One might ask why we are "punishing" the B-Mom for stuff her mom and fiance do. First, we aren't punishing her at all, so are doing what is best for our family. The best thing for us is to remove ourselves completely from the situation. Obviously the B-Mom doesn't speak for herself and has other people speak for her...and when she allows them to say things like this, it's unacceptable.

Thank you all for the support you have provided through all of this!!

Lynn

[aclee]

It really seems like you have tried so hard in this relationship, and that you did want an open relation with you DD birthmom. I'm sorry things haven't worked out so you and your family could continue that relationship with her!

Perhaps as birthmom gets a little older, she'll see things differently and things will change.

Best of luck

[lovemy2boys]

I remember your stories, and my heart has and still goes out to you. It's never an easy decision to "close" an open adoption... It seems like your daughter's bmom has a great many people making her decisions (her parents/fiance)...Maybe one day soon she will be able to "reach out" to you without the interference of all the others. Right now soo many people seem to be fighting her battles and unfortunately, they are using hurtful tactics.

You really seem to have made great efforts to maintain a peaceful relationship - hopefully in time they will all come to see that.

Best of luck to you!

[2manyks]

this sounds tough. there are alot of us out here who have had problems with birthfamilies and try as hard as we can- sometimes there is nothing we can do. you do need to do what is best for your family and include others when you feel you are ready. hopefully you can get some peace with your decision.

(((((HUGS))))))

[JPDakota]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I think that there are probably circumstances where the open adoption concept is effective, but your concentration on your child is exactly where it should be. This fiancé thing is crazy, but it just serves to confirm what you already knew. Any chance you can change your email address? Not my business, of course, but better safe than sorry. Besides, you don't need to open your inbox in the morning and deal with this guy or any of the other ones.

[mg1970]

I don't know how you put up with it this long.

I have a zero-tolerance policy for toxic people. It was the most liberating lesson I learned around age 20 and it explains much of the happiness in my life.

So many, many things are wrong about the abuse you have put up with so far. I just can't see how it is going to get any better when you are dealing with people who have no respect for you or the relationship.

I do think sometimes you do have to just walk away. To sit there and continue with those ugly exchanges -- how is that helping anyone? This "tough love" approach worked wonders with my family. Whenever they would do something unacceptable (like bash other family members) I would just get up and leave, sometimes cut a trip short. Eventually the behavior stopped -- at least with me. I think setting and defending boundries is so important. It is not a skill we all know unless you grew up in a dysfunctional codependent home. I learned a lot of techniques reading a book on adult children of alcoholics (although my family were not alcoholics).

How this could work for you would be to set CLEAR boundries:

• We are going to have X visits
• The following people can attend
• We are not going to have conversations about X,Y,Z
• These are my rules, and if we cannot play by the rules the visit will be terminated.
• These rules may not seem fair, but this is what I need to create a healthy environment for my child. You can choose to follow the rules -- or you can choose not to be a part of my child's life. The choice is yours.

I hope that you can define some kind of relationship you can have with the birthmom. If she wants to make the relationship work she will eventually see you are not backing down off of your rules. Or maybe she will decide its not worth it to play by your rules, but then she is opting out.

Sorry this is so tough.

M

[Asha0314]

It is so unfortunate this had to end this way. I sympathize totally and see you had no choice other than the one you made in these circumstances.
I feel for the bmom, because she seems to be a victim of her family's bad judgment. Hopefully, she will mature in her thinking, stop letting her family think for her and take action on her own to peacefully resolve this for the sake of the relationship with her daughter.
Also, I agree with JPDakota, in that it is better to be safe than sorry. You probably have a pretty good idea of what they are capable of though, by now, and what preventive measures you should take, if any.

[September.Mom]

Thank you guys so much for your support. We agreed with the agency when we signed the paperwork to bring DD home that we would at the very least provide pictures and updates to B-Mom on DD's birthday and holidays. So, in the reply back to B-Mom telling her the adoption is now considered closed and will not be opened again until DD wants to get to know her, I told her that we would send the pics and updates to the agency those two times a year. As far as we're concerned all contact is now gone. If we are harassed by calls, e-mails, etc., we will involve the police. If/when DD decides she wants to know B-Mom, rules will be set-forth and B-Mom will agree to them before any visits happen.

Within a couple of months, we will be switching our ISP, so our e-mail address will change then. B-Mom and her family know our address, but luckily we live on a new private road that basically anyone but the post office has no clue where it is at (and I've already talked to them and they won't tell). We have a security system and are going to hook up DD's and the spare bedroom windows to that (downstairs windows already are). We have two big dogs that are usually locked in a pen in the basement at night. I'm thinking about letting them sleep in the living area of the house for the next week or so. They wouldn't attack anyone, but they'd sure bark. We are also considering purchasing a rifle as a last resort protection (but there's a waiting period to purchase, so who knows if it would even be a logical choice).

No, we don't trust the B-Mom, her fiance, her parents, or her friends after them finding out this news...especially after us finding out that the fiance believes DD belongs with them. Honestly, I'm scared. We've worried that they may try something before when we were still open, now that worry has sky-rocketed.

[bromanchik]

I am so sorry. It sounds like there is no respect for boundaries or your role. It is impossible to do an open adoption that way.

[loveajax]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I am sorry you are scared as well.

What I don't understand is how you made one agreement, then had a "more" open arrangement and they are now abusing you for setting boundaries. It sounds to me like DD's birth mom is being manipulated by others in her life. So toxic.

Do what is best for your little girl and your family. Hang in there. Let us know if you need anything/any support, etc. Karen

[jigger]

I'm so sorry you have to do this. It sounds like a terrible situation but ultimately, you have to take care of you and yours.

I'd also suggest you call the police in your area and let them know about the situation. That way the guys who regularly patrol your area will know what's going on and help keep an eye out for you. My husband is a police officer and they happily do things like this all the time. You might also request that they drive by your house more often in the next few weeks.

Stay safe and know that you made the right choice for your family.

[sbaglio]

What a sad situation to be in. I've followed your journey recently, and sympathaze completely. I agree with what everyone else has said - your child is the priority. I wish you the very best.

[bethy724]

I am also sorry for your situation-I haven't read the history but it is a very hard decision to make & it sounds like you made the best choice for your family ( & in the long run bio mom also) Her family is using her to get to your daughter & she sounds like a pawn that can't speak for herself.

My sons bio mom moves so often & has had another child so I can't track her down but I firmly believe that ALL adoptive parents would LOVE to present their child with a loving, respectful bio family that made the best decision for that child-that all parties involved LOVE that child that they sacrifaced their own desires to parent. I'd continue the pictures & letters 2 times a year - that's all you will subject your daughter to at this time.

[josh1788smom]

I am not going to be popular by saying this, but in my opinion, e-mails have a way of people being able to interpret the worst, and not necessarily the actual meaning. Although, I think the fiance, was probably somewhat out of line, communication is clearly lacking all the way around in this circumstance.

I do have to say, closing an adoption and nasty e-mails is a heck of a long way from people chasing you down and the need for a security system. Sounds a little hokie.

[September.Mom]

Originally Posted by josh1788smom

I am not going to be popular by saying this, but in my opinion, e-mails have a way of people being able to interpret the worst, and not necessarily the actual meaning. Although, I think the fiance, was probably somewhat out of line, communication is clearly lacking all the way around in this circumstance.

I do have to say, closing an adoption and nasty e-mails is a heck of a long way from people chasing you down and the need for a security system. Sounds a little hokie.

"Somewhat out of line?" He implied that I'm liable to abuse, neglect, or KILL my daughter. That's more than somewhat out of line. This e-mail that he sent was a personal attack against me.

"Nasty e-mails?" We've sent no nasty e-mails. We only informed B-Mom of the closure, what we were going to do, and that only DD's desire will open it again.

You are right...there are things through e-mail that can be misinterpreted. Just as I am probably misinterpreting you calling my being worried "hokie." You don't know these people. You don't know what types of friends B-Mom has. I've been to her MySpace page before and quite frankly, it's scary. I know from personal experience that both her mom and her fiance act without thought...that is extremely frightening.

But...we are each entitled to our opinions and thank you for yours.