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  #1  
Old 01-11-2008, 02:31 PM
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mbjones1972 mbjones1972 is offline
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Heart Adopting a family friend's baby


We have a family friend who became pregnant and isn't able to care for the baby and she asked us if we would be interested in a open adoption. We said,"YES". We are very excited about the baby. She has allowed us to be very involved in the pregnancy which is very cool. The problem we are running into is that here family isn't very supportive of her giving the baby of for adoption. We have experienced several failed private adoption,so I am apprehensive about this situation. I am trying not to get to excited, but with everything she is allow us to be involved in it is hard not to be excited. I have consulted with our family adoption attorney, but I just need some words of advice about how to approach this whole situation. Has anyone else been through an experience similar to this?
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2008, 02:37 PM
Oceans Oceans is offline
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Do you know why (specifically) they aren't supportive of adoption?
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Old 01-11-2008, 02:56 PM
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mbjones1972 mbjones1972 is offline
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The bmother's family isn't supportive because they want someone within the family to adopt the baby!!
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Old 01-11-2008, 03:29 PM
Oceans Oceans is offline
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I can't give advice (other than the usual independent counseling). I do have some experience in that I am currently a 3rd party on the other side of the equation - helping a family member with adoption. She too had the choice of family members adopting her child.

Her main reasons for not choosing this were:
1) She wants to own the relationship with her AP's and herself. If there is disagreement or bad feelings that come up in the future, she does not want the added pressure of several family members getting involved, taking sides, causing arguments etc.
2) She feels it would be harder to respect boundaries (for her) if a family member were parenting
3) She felt it would be too painful for her to see a family member get all the parenting kudos

She has chosen a family that is very open to extended family contact and hopefully it will workIm not saying that inter-family adoption isn't great and there were a lot of pros to having a family member adopt. Its just my experience of what your PBM might be thinking.

You may want to ask her why she is opposed to a family member adopting.

Also (if you havent already) think about your comfort level when it comes to other relatives and their role within your life then discuss with her. (OK that was a suggestion not advice! LOL)

Best of luck!
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Old 01-11-2008, 04:27 PM
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mommy3 mommy3 is offline
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mbjones, We've had experience with a situation where we were matched for several months with an expectant mom whose mom was not very supportive of the adoption due to her own infertility. Still, the emom was"98%" sure she wanted us to adopt her baby. We learned that this was a "big red flag" from our agency and didn't see why it was so significant. Our counselors told us that yes, the emom MIGHT go against her mom because their communication was a bit shakey, but that it was also clearly possible that she would listen to her mom. In the end, the emom did choose to parent. What we accepted was that this was exactly what was wonderful for this baby and emom, that her family stepped up to the plate. It was hard on us, but our dd was born soon afterward (via a different emom), a whole other story.

I don't mean in any way that your situation won't work out -- but, it's important to recognize that family support is a big positive and lack of support a big negative, depending upon the family connection. Our ds' birthgrandmother was very very supportive of the adoption and it helped ds' birthmom a lot, but she was only 15 when he was born.

How soon is the EDD? That might also help you decide if you wait this out, which is what we decided to do, since there was a great chance that the emom might still place her child with you. Best of luck, susan
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  #6  
Old 01-12-2008, 10:51 AM
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adoption is always risky - as you already know. if you decide to ride out the situation you might end out with a baby. it is well worth it in the end and no situation is completely risk free. i say take the risk and hope for the best!
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Old 01-12-2008, 06:01 PM
c4yourself c4yourself is offline
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I would say take the risk also, but it's very hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes. We are involved with an adoption where the birthmom is being induced THIS MONDAY and her family so far is supportive of her placing, but they don't want to be involved at all.

What makes our situation so difficult for us is that our family members are involved, in that it is my sister-in laws best friend who knows the birthmom. So, of course, they are both very emotionally invested in this, as well as us. The problem is that whatever we say directly to the birthmom somehow gets back to my sister-in laws friend, and if something was taken the wrong way, then it becomes a whole issue and my sister in law gets involved e-mailing us, in a rather nasty tone. Needless to say, I feel like the boundaries are weakening and about now I feel like it's everyone's adoption instead of ours. Does this make sense to anyone?

My sister in law and friend think we are unappreciative and should listen to whatever "advice" her friend gives us. Somehow, though, there are too many cooks in the kitchen, as our attorney has said.

We are getting ready to take the trip Mon and what should be a very happy time is mixed with different emotions. Ugh!!!

(this all stemmed from a conversation my dh had with the birthmom, where he asked her some direct questions which we wanted some answers to. The problem is they should have been asked of our atty--and had been in the past--but she is a horrible communicator and relays little if no information.). We were trying to confirm that we would not be in the delivery room and try to get a sense of what she wanted. BIG MiSTAKe--as I've heard endlessly from everyone involved, since the birthmom apparently complained to her family that we were pushing her...etc. This came back to my friend.

I'm trying to separate myself from all this family chaos...

Sorry for the long post.
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Old 01-12-2008, 07:24 PM
startedover startedover is offline
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MBjones,
Since this is an open adoption, could you not reassure her family that you are open to sending letters and pic to them also? I had the same situation in that my birthmom's parents did not want her to place the baby. They were very unhappy, but we didn't come into the picture till days before the birth. (she picked us at the last moment). Being that was over a year ago I realize now how I could have gotten past those first few weeks wandering about the bio grandparents had I just set there mind at ease from the beginning. WE have a good relationship with the grandparents that were so upset. And although I told them that our daugther would know them I wanted some time to get to know them first. It has been a good situation. Good luck and keep us posted.
c4yourself, I'm sorry that this should be an exciting time and now you have the added stress of all that is going on. I would say at this point say as little as need to get through this and hope that keeps everyone at bay. (not that you have done anything wrong, believe me I know how people mix words) You are so close that you will only have a few days to deal with this. Good luck
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Old 01-13-2008, 11:10 PM
ala.mom ala.mom is offline
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Red face Hang in there

I am adopting a friend's grand baby. I have not had problems with the family but I have had to deal with bmom's fear that it wouldn't be a true open adoption. I have had him since he was born in Dec 2003 but I just got the papers for the adoption signed in July 2007. Now I am just waiting for finalization.

Maybe you can find ways to reassure them you want them to be part of the child's life. It took a long time for me and bmom to find the happy place where we are both comfortable even though I have known her for over 10 years. Sometimes people are just afraid of change.

Although she lives in another state we make the trip once a year for a family visit. His older hald brother even spent the summer with us. just hang in there if it is ment to be God will help you find a way.
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Old 01-14-2008, 07:58 AM
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I'd probably take the risk, but I second Oceans' suggestion that you really give some thought to how involved you want the extended family to be in the relationship if everything works out.

They may very well come around (our son's bgrandfather did, and in a pretty dramatic way) It's tempting to want to bring the opposition around by saying that the adoption can be really open and include them all, but do think about what that means for you on birthdays, holidays, etc. in the years to come.

I'm not saying don't do it, just think about what the practical impact will be.
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