[nativemom]

Hi, this is my first post ever, anywhere, so please be gentle.

We just brought home our new son on December 20. I loved him more than anything the moment I laid eyes on him and I am so happy that he has joined our family.

The weird thing is that I feel funny telling people I'm his mom. Somehow, I feel like a big faker.

Am I the only person to feel this way? Does this go away? Is there something wrong with me, or do I just eventually realize that since I am one of the people caring for him 24/7, feeding him at 3 am, attending to his every need, and smiling at his every triumph, that I am mom?

[loveajax]

native, first of all, welcome!!!

second, congratulations on becomng a mom and on your beautiful new baby boy!

your feelings are completely normal. my dd is 2.5 yrs old and sometimes DH and I look at each other in (wonderful) disbelief and go: we have a daughter!!

it is so hard as a new mom, and imo, as an adoptive mom, not to be "overwhelmed" with all sorts of emotions. adoption is a surreal experience. i have gone thru so many different emotions, including for a long time feeling "grief" that dd's birth mom suffered such a loss.

the reality is is that you ARE his mom. you are not a faker! you will love and care for your son just like a mom that gave birth. never feel bad about embracing your role...you are simply "mama" right now and forever. as time goes on, i promise it will just become more "real" and "normal."

good luck to you and enjoy!

[aclee]

The book I'm reading now has info on the different stages of adoption. I actually just read a section on Entitlement. It says that sometimes it take adoptive parents a while to feel "entitled" to the adopted child. I would say this is still all very new for you, and you should just do things each day to reinforce that you are his momma! Wearing him in a sling is a great way to form attachment for both of you. Maybe you should buy yourself a mothers necklace, or a ring that has his birthstone as your mothers ring. Something you can do for yourself that reinforces your a MOMMA

*congrats by the way!!*

[aallen25]

I felt the same way when we brought DD home. For the first few weeks anytime someone would say anything to us regarding her I was so quick to tell them we adopted her. During the first few weeks everytime we went out people would comment on how well I looked and was getting around and the first thing out of my mouth everytime was "well we adopted". A common comment from people now is regarding her beautiful blue eyes and where they came from....I have hazelish green eyes and DH has brown eyes. I now say thank you and that her grandfather (my dad) has blue eyes just like them...which he does.
I definitely feel 100% like Shiloh's mom but, as love said, there are definitely days where I look at her and just think wow, this is my daughter!

[bajj]

Welcome to the forums! I'm glad you found us.

I believe it's normal. I didn't actually experience that with my oldest son, but I did with my youngest. I loved him with all my heart but felt i was the babysitter for some reason. It does get better!

[wishing4real]

Your feelings are probably natural considering the situation. When we adopted DD, we had 12 hours notice to fly out to where she would be born. No pregnancy and no mental bonding time. When she was laid in my arms, I was happier than I could explain, but at the same time emotionless and scared to death. She had colic like I had never seen before, and in all honesty I felt like I was babysitting. Actually, I probably wished I was only babysitting. yes, I definately wished someone would come and picked her up, so I could sleep and have just a moment without screaming. That's beside the point. While natural mothers and amoms may have time to bond with their children in utero (whether carrying themself or loving a child that will become yours through adoption), adoptive parents remain a lot of times protective of their emotions to prepare for the what ifs. For me, I really believe that especially in situations like that, the majority of the bonding comes after birth. And it is not instant. While I loved dd very much, and took great and loving care of her, it took some time to be completely and head over heals in love with her, and to feel like her mom. It all happened so fast and required sometime to get used to. Tonight as I was watching a bunch of the amazing little things she does, I just welled up with emotion and thought about how thankful I am for her. It won't be long before you are feeling 100% this childs mother.

Most importantly . . . You are the only mother he knows. He doesn't question your love or who you are to him, so stop questioning yourself. The bond between you will grow stronger every day, as will your realization that you are actualy, finally a mommy. It is surreal sometimes when you adopt, but it will be second nature beore you know it.

Sorry about the rambling, just had lots of thoughts. By the way congrats and good luck!

[portlowski]

Our son came home at 10 days old. Many strangers (at the doctor's office etc) commented on how cute he was etc. and I always felt compelled to tell them we had just adopted! I went through a few tough weeks of feeling weepy, wondering if I would be a good mom, would I love him enough, did I "deserve" him? A year later I have to tell you it is like night and day. I never hide our adoption but I do not feel compelled to tell others that we adopted him...in fact, when folks say, "your son is so cute" I don't translate in my head "you mean my adopted son" like I used to.

As a mom through adoption, your bond comes from mothering your child. You've hardly had a chance to do it yet, so it is natural to have some unsettled feelings. IN the weeks to come, as you wake up in the night, feed your baby, change diapers, cry and worry, just remember that these motherly acts are what is bonding you to your baby. I agree with the idea of wearing a sling when you can. Over the next year you will experience a range of feelings from exhaustion and frustration to joy and overwhelming love, and in the process, you will have truly become a real mom.

[startedover]

I am assuming you adopted, and to tell you the truth I think mothers that birth their children often feel that way. Part of what you are feeling is the adoption side and part of what you are feeling is the new mommy side. With our third child (and only adopted child) I felt the way you are. I felt like the babysitter but ironicly I went from that to feeling more "normal" to months later having to remind myself that I don't remember if I had morning sickness with her because I didn't carry her. I literally would forget that , and you probably will to. And something else you will learn is that when he gets old enough to prefer you, you will feel like the only mother in the universe. Congrats on your son.

[SISNLAW2]

I am not an adoptive mom however i have raised a child that was not mine by birth but i am still his mom and even when i had my own children i felt weird when i was called mom it is a totally natural feeling to feel weird the first couple of times and since you are the one raising him and you adopted him then yes you are mom congratulations on the new addition to your family

[OnTheJourney]

Yes, I agree with the other posters. It is normal and soon it will change. Even though you think you are prepared, one moment you are a childless person hopeful to become a parent, then that little baby is placed in your arms and in an instant you are a Mom. You have to cut yourself some slack and give it time to sink in. Just wait until it is night 40something, you've lost count by then, of 3am feedings and DH wants to help but you are the only person that can make your baby satisfied and comfortable. Ahhh being a Mom is grand!
I just have a quick little storey to add:
About 3 or 4 weeks after ds was born, I had this terrified feeling that if he were lost and then placed in a line with several other babies for me to identify, I was afraid I would not recognize him. I felt like a faliure and thought it was an adoption related feeling, that I would not feel that way had I given birth to him. Well I shared my feelings at the time with my neighbour who's bio dd is 2 weeks older than my ds. She just looked at me and said 'wow', She felt exactly the way. She felt like the failure.

It's crazy the pressure we put on ourselves.
Congrats and enjoy your baby! Soon enough he will be calling you Mama!

[ourdreamcametru]

Welcome, you're gonna love it here!

Everything you are describing is normal and will pass with time. Our adopted daughter is 3 1/2 and everyday I sit back and watch her as she plays thinking " surely she isn't MINE!" I think part of that feeling is that we never expected to be blessed with her so it's so unbelievable. Just enjoy your beautiful son!

[goastros]

I think it's very natural. I still get a strange feeling when calling the doctor's office and saying that I'm calling about my son.

When we first adopted and people would comment on how cute he was I felt a little guilty saying thank you because I didn't feel like I had anything to do with him being so cute!

I've definitely gotten over the guilt from the compliments and don't announce to everyone any more that we adopted. It takes time to get used to saying and hearing the words. I never felt like I wasn't his momma, it just sounded funny to say it out loud.

[aclee]

That even parents who have biological children have these emotions. I recall once my sister held my niece right up in the air and just about yelled...CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS MINE???? and then my niece cried cause she was scared.

It's very common.

[Kansasgirl]

I agree too... what you are saying sounds completely normal and I think many new adoptive moms go thru the same feelings. I know I did. We brought our daughter home from the hospital at 3 days old and I know I felt that way many times, I still do sometimes - and she is 4.

[mommy3]

As a mom who has one child who is my bio dd and a ds and dd who were adopted at birth, your feelings are similar to mine each time, so you sound so normal to me! Whether you give birth or adopt, the first few weeks or months are usually surreal, even when you KNEW you were pregnant or it SEEMED fairly sure that you'd adopt your child. I can remember when my youngest was 3 mos. old and I was feeding her one morning and began to cry, almost couldn't stop. I had been feeling so much love already for her, felt "so close" but at THAT moment it hit me that I wasn't just "in love" with her (or the idea of her), I deeply loved her and couldn't imagine my life without her. It just takes time for your life to catch up with your heart AND your psyche. You'll catch up -- the journey is so amazing. susan