[WaitingforaBoy]

Ok, first, please understand that I am never the best at putting my thoughts into words. I also understand that this is an open forum so I will try to put my sensitivities aside and accept everyone's opinions. My point isn't to offend, I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts before we progress down this road.

Dh and I are in the process of adopting (obviously, or I probably wouldn't be here) We have 3 bio children. I am 28 and had a Hysterectomy due to my last pregnancy being complicated. We have always wanted a big family and see adoption as our next logical step.

Now, in doing lots of reading I keep getting the feeling that there are so many potentials for adoption being a bad thing...for everyone. I have read so much lately about the birthmom's feelings of grief and lonliness. Which is completely understandable. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to give birth to a child and then give it away. How can I expect a Mother to make a sacrifice that I will never understand so that I can feel "complete."????
Then you hear stories about the adoptees feeling abandoned and isolated and basically feeling unloved.
After reading all of this I am feeling like I am selfish for wanting another baby! And feeling like I am "stealing" a baby away from a woman who really should be parenting her child.
I know that there are times when adoption is a good thing, there has to be. But I just feel like I am a thief lurking around waiting for some mother to look the other way so we can take her baby! How can we make sure that we don't do that to a Birthmother?!!! How can we make sure that she is confident in her decision. What can we do to help her through her grief?!! How can we make sure that everyone is "happy" in the end?

Sigh. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

[loveajax]

Jessica, you are experiencing what i call adoptive parent "guilt" (even though you haven't adopted yet!). It's normal and natural. There are a couple of things I think it is important to realize:

1. There are many birth parents who relinquish children for perfectly "legitimate" reasons....not every pregnant woman "wants" to/chooses to/is able to parent her child.

2. If you are worried about the "ethics" of your adoption, make sure that you work with an ethical agency or professional and that the expecting women that they work with receive counseling and also are supported even if they decide not to place.

3. I believe adoption is a very good thing for a lot of children (my husband and DD are both adoptees, and both (so far!) very happy, healthy people). But there is no denying that there is a loss to both the adoptee and the birth parents through adoption. It's important to understand that loss, but I think it's also important to realize that you are not causing/responsible for that loss either.

By the way, I posted a really interesting link to an NPR news story on the Transracial Adoption boards....I think it is some "good news" for adoption (the study essentially found that adoptees do not have less "self esteem" than biological children)

Good luck!!!

[WaitingforaBoy]

thanks loveajax! I'll check out that article from NPR. That's great to hear about your dh and dd. I guess I got stuck in the "negative adoption stories abyss" and was only focusing on the bad parts. I guess I really want to make sure that the birth mom isn't doing it because of financial reasons...those can change for anyone at any given point. Also, a lot of times I feel that I know we won't be able to offer an endless amount of "things" to our new baby. Sometimes I get stuck on that idea too...that I need to supply this baby with all the classes, toys, clothes that maybe the Birthmom didn't feel like she could provide. I know that's silly. I do know that we have lots of love waiting for him/her and a family who is very anxious to hold this little one. Thanks again for your input...and making some sense out of my thoughts!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by WaitingforaBoy

Ok, first, please understand that I am never the best at putting my thoughts into words. I also understand that this is an open forum so I will try to put my sensitivities aside and accept everyone's opinions. My point isn't to offend, I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts before we progress down this road.

Dh and I are in the process of adopting (obviously, or I probably wouldn't be here) We have 3 bio children. I am 28 and had a Hysterectomy due to my last pregnancy being complicated. We have always wanted a big family and see adoption as our next logical step.

Now, in doing lots of reading I keep getting the feeling that there are so many potentials for adoption being a bad thing...for everyone. I have read so much lately about the birthmom's feelings of grief and lonliness. Which is completely understandable. I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to give birth to a child and then give it away. How can I expect a Mother to make a sacrifice that I will never understand so that I can feel "complete."????
Then you hear stories about the adoptees feeling abandoned and isolated and basically feeling unloved.
After reading all of this I am feeling like I am selfish for wanting another baby! And feeling like I am "stealing" a baby away from a woman who really should be parenting her child.
I know that there are times when adoption is a good thing, there has to be. But I just feel like I am a thief lurking around waiting for some mother to look the other way so we can take her baby! How can we make sure that we don't do that to a Birthmother?!!! How can we make sure that she is confident in her decision. What can we do to help her through her grief?!! How can we make sure that everyone is "happy" in the end?

Sigh. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Well, I can say one thing from my experience, it seems to me that no matter what, there is grief and sadness involved, and most likely always will be involved, no matter how it is handled because it is based on loss. I honestly wished I would have understood that better, what I was getting into, before we started down this path. It's hard. There's no two ways about it. It's just plain hard.

And I think it is important to recognize that there are adoptions that happen that shouldn't or didn't need to, where expecting mothers/families aren't really counseled regarding all their choices, where they aren't given information that empowers them to parent, where they aren't given time and space before and after the birth of their child to make the decision they want to make for their child, where new parents feel pressure to place because of the environment of the "match".

The responsibilities of someone considering adoption (and in the same way, protecting those involved from adoption happening that doesn't need to happen) to:

1) always remember that the one who is pregnant is an expectant parent UNTIL the time she/they sign the papers to terminate parental rights. It is their child until they say otherwise, which means all decisions regarding birth plans, how placement happens or if it happens at all is strictly and solely in the hands of the mother of the child. She is not a birthmother until she makes the final decision to place AFTER the birth of her child.

2) find an agency/attorney that works in an ethical manner, including protecting the right of the expecting mother to care for her child as long as she deems necessary after the birth, no pressure to sign papers within a given length of time, and IMO, with a consideration for openness in the relationship between the family who places and the family who parents. This agency should be willing to have independent counseling provided in order for the expecting mother to make the best decision for her and her child. IMO, it might also include an agency who discourages practice that might cause an expecting/new mother to feel pressure to place, including long pre-birth matches that include lots of financial support for the expecting mother.

3) prepare yourself for the unique issues of parenting a child who is adopted, which most probably incllude grief surrounding separation from their other family (manifested in numerous and unique ways), and struggles with identity, among a whole lot of other things.

4) consider an open placement when possible and healthy for the child and in doing so, make a commitment that you will keep, not one that include more than you might do just to get the match/placement. Relationships have room to grow, but only if both sides have opportunity to know where they stand with each other and communicate their needs as they arise.

There are situations where adoption is necessary. I don't think I believe anymore that it is a good choice only because it does involve loss at its very root, but sometimes a necessary one and in the end, may be a healthy though hard choice on the child's behalf because of the circumstances. Both the first mothers of my children made the decision themselves to place their children in our home. They were also struggling through a set of circumstances where it became very clear that if we didn't adopt them, they would end up in homes separate from their birth family. So the best that could happen in these situations were that their other mothers were able to make the parenting decision themselves about who they wanted to parent their child every day. And how they wanted it to happen. And with the option of keeping in contact. And only after all their other options were explored.

Have you explored foster care or foster-adopt as an option? Both are children were placed through private agencies but we were also waiting in foster-adopt. Something to consider.

[Mommy24]

I am a First Mom and I couldn't have said it better than Tammy just did.

I will second her statement that ALL e-moms should have counseling, INDEPENDENT of any agency or anyone who will benefit in the process.

I placed, primarily, for financial reasons. Hindsight, I should have and could have parented my child. Though I had no one telling me that I could, all I had was an agency telling me that I was making the most loving choice for my baby.


Best of luck! Adoption is a wonderful option when e-mom is fully informed of all of her options.

[Momtonick]

Jessica,
I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the anxiety I already feel for the bmom (and we aren't even matched yet!)...us being so happy and knowing that she will walk away with empty arms.
I myself was a bmom many years ago. I grew up in an upper middle class, catholic family. But I found myself pregnant when I was young, alone, in college and knew financially and emotionally I could not give what I felt my baby neede and deserved. I have never regretted it, in fact I was quite proud of my decision. I went back to college, had a very successful career and married the man of my dreams. Now we are pursuing adoption ourselves, talk about coming full circle.
I panicked when I read the bmom forums at first also. I thought maybe I was too numb and should be feeling different. But then I realized that I am still comfortable with everything and I know he's had a wonderful life. My guess is that people don't post when things are going well. They post when they are in need of support. I think the positive side of adoption is lacking on those forums for that reason.
Know that there are successful and happy endings to adoption.
Julie

[JPDakota]

I don't think you have to take on the world's problems in order to adopt. Adults are responsible to make their own decisions. You can't impact how other's feel, only how you feel. I am a proponent of ethical adoptions. I am not a proponent of open adoptions, and I don't believe they are "better" for a child than a closed or 'semi-closed" adoption, and I am an adult adoptee and an adoptive mother. Bottom line is you have to decide what you're comfortable with. If you accept everything you read on these forums as fact, you're going to be a very confused person, because this forum still tolerates at least a few contradictory opinions.
Anyway, if you're going to spend your post-adoptive life feeling guilty, then that's no way to live.
Good luck.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

I don't think you have to take on the world's problems in order to adopt. Adults are responsible to make their own decisions. You can't impact how other's feel, only how you feel. I am a proponent of ethical adoptions. I am not a proponent of open adoptions, and I don't believe they are "better" for a child than a closed or 'semi-closed" adoption, and I am an adult adoptee and an adoptive mother. Bottom line is you have to decide what you're comfortable with. If you accept everything you read on these forums as fact, you're going to be a very confused person, because this forum still tolerates at least a few contradictory opinions.
Anyway, if you're going to spend your post-adoptive life feeling guilty, then that's no way to live.
Good luck.

Oh my - I could not have said it better myself!!

1. This will sound harsh but the birthmother is not your responsibility. Sorry, I just don't believe this. YES pick an ethical agency, don't misguide the birthparents in any way, but if they place and they regret it...well it may be because THEY made a mistake, not you, not even always your agency. Yes there ARE times where they are misled...but there are also many out there who never regret it (I have a friend that does not regret it still to this day and GENUINE about it). There are those that DO decide it's the best thing for thier child and are happy with that decision. But even if they aren't, this is THIER cross to bear.

2. Some adoptees have a lot of loss, but then again so do a lot of bio children. Remember to educate yourself (which you sound like you are doing) but don't just read the bad. Remember that on forums like this you don't HEAR a lot of the good because those are not the people needing help right then! I mean, I wouldn't post a thread about how AWESOME it is that my son said Mama for the first time (well sort of). I may some times, but not always. For every sad mad etc adoptee there is another that is content, happy, and loving life and wouldn't have life any other way.

3. YOU ARE HUMAN!! Of COURSE you are going to feel guilty (I did the same thing after reading Primal Wound...OUCH) but try try to remember that the birthparents feelings are NOT your responsibility. YES your child may feel sad but that does not mean it's a bad thing.

It's scary, just try not to freak yourself out!! Do what you are comfortable with!! Open adoption isn't for everyone...closed isn't for everyone...it's a custom fit this life of ours!

[mommy3]

The responses you've rec'd have been excellent ones. I'd want to add that both of our children's birthfamilies love their children dearly and would loved to have parented, but one was very young and the other wasn't at a place in her life where parenting was feasible, for many reasons. Both families still tell us (we have open adoptions) that their children being with us and us being their parents is still the right thing. Yes, they still feel sad at times; still, when you work with ethical, caring agencies and facilitators and when the right baby finds the right home, it's the very best for everyone. At least that's our experience. . .

Take the time to find the agency or other resource that you feel right about (atty, facilitator, etc.). Take the time to accept the right birthfamily for your family. You'll know when it's all the best situation. Best of luck, susan

[Stormster]

I sure spend a lot of time compensating the little man for what's he's lost AND IT'S EXHAUSTING.

I guess I have to justify it by being supermom.

Yesterday I decided that sometimes good is good enough.

[WaitingforaBoy]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your honest answers. You've helped me put a little perspective on my emotions.

[MlynnBrrtt]

If you are worried about the ethics of infant adoption - why not explore other routes of family building - like foster parenting or adopting from the foster care system? These children are already orphans and truley in need of a family. If you are looking for a BIG family there are HUNDREDS of sibling groups who need to be placed together - often even very young children or baby's. It is possible to adopt a healthy young child or baby from the foster care system - and you can choose weather or not you want to take in a legal risk baby (rights not TPR's and may RU with BP's but looks like the case is headed for adoption) or sibling group or not. You can always choose only to accept placements of children who are already legally free for adoption and parental rights TPR'd. Of course this doesn't lessen the pain that parents feel (even neglectful ones who can't parent - sometimes due to thier own childhood abuse or neglect) when they loose thier children...and it doesn't lessen the feelings that adoptee's may feel due to thier adoption....but it is a way to help a child in need - while building your own family.

I am not saying that thier aren't unethical situations in the foster care system - and I am certianlly not saying that all or even most infant adoptions are unethicle but they both have thier challenges and downfalls and thier rewards. Loss is present for any parent who surrenders a child for adoption. You can't get around that...but if you do pursue infant adoption you can lessen a mothers pain by keeping your promises. I have read somewhere that 80 percent of "open" adoptions close with in the first 2 years. EIGHTY PERCENT!!!! If you promise contact - keep contact. If you promise visits - allow visits. If you promise pictures - send pictures. Keep your promise ALWAYS (unless there is a REAL risk of harm to a child - which I would imagine in most cases of elective adoptions there isin't) or YOU will cause MASSIVE amounts of HARM and SUFFERING to the woman(women) who you obviousley care so much about. Your actions will effect her life - for the rest of her life - and they have the potential to be healing or to do a world of damage. Just ask any birth mom who was promised contact - and was then brutally lied to and shut out of thier child's life. One woman even killed herself after her childs adoptive "parents" wrote a book about how to manipulate women into giving parents thier baby by promising her/them the world...promises that aren't kept of course. That is one very simple way of keeping the adoption ethicle. Any promises you make....keep.



It think it is highly obvious how much you care for the parents who are making a decision to place - and how much you want an ethicle adoption. Do your research. Adoption can be wonderful - but it is also surrounded by loss. Your future child will loose his first family before he becomes a part of yours. That loss will hit him hard - even as an infant - from the very moment of seperation. How you address that loss with the child - how you let him grieve that loss openly - that will make a world of diffrence to him.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by MlynnBrrtt

You can't get around that...but if you do pursue infant adoption you can lessen a mothers pain by keeping your promises. I have read somewhere that 80 percent of "open" adoptions close with in the first 2 years. EIGHTY PERCENT!!!! If you promise contact - keep contact. If you promise visits - allow visits. If you promise pictures - send pictures. Keep your promise ALWAYS (unless there is a REAL risk of harm to a child - which I would imagine in most cases of elective adoptions there isin't) or YOU will cause MASSIVE amounts of HARM and SUFFERING to the woman(women) who you obviousley care so much about. Your actions will effect her life - for the rest of her life - and they have the potential to be healing or to do a world of damage. Just ask any birth mom who was promised contact - and was then brutally lied to and shut out of thier child's life. One woman even killed herself after her childs adoptive "parents" wrote a book about how to manipulate women into giving parents thier baby by promising her/them the world...promises that aren't kept of course. That is one very simple way of keeping the adoption ethicle. Any promises you make....keep.

This is very important BUT I have to add that in the "80%" of adoptions that close, I bet you 50 percent is because the BIRTHPARENTS closed the adoption. It's not always at the fault of the adoptive parents, and the bparents closing the adoption isn't always because of something that the agency or the aparents did or did not do.

I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude or debate but I do feel the need to point out hat is not just aparents overpromising and adoptions close because of it. Birthparents also overpromise and seem to be the ones that close just as many adoptions (in my experience) as aparents, and they have no more right to do so than the aparents.

[Eponine]