[Eponine]

So, I know this is a decision that only DH and I can make, but this forum is always so helpful in giving me a framework to get my own thoughts in order.

We have been matched with a 15-y.o. PBM who is due any day now. The father of the child is known and initially said he wanted to parent the child, then wanted a DNA test to be sure it was his (which he hasn't gone through with), then said he would sign a termination of rights but hasn't yet. According to PBM, PBM's mom, and the maternity worker at our agency, their feelings are that the father has less interest in the child than in making PBM miserable. Father is currently living with his new pregnant girlfriend and the girlfriend is against them raising the child.

PBM does not want to sign the TPR until the father's rights have been terminated (either voluntarily or thru the courts - so about 30 days after the birth). This is because she does not want to terminate her rights, and then have no say if the father decides to claim the baby. She does NOT want the father involved with the child at all.

So, we are faced with the possibility of a legal risk situation in which the father's rights need to be terminated before the mother will TPR her own rights. Meaning either parent could decide to parent within that first 30 days. PBM does not want the baby in foster care the first 30 days; her preference is that we take the child home and care for him until father's rights are terminated and she can sign.

We are soooo hesitant because we had a failed match earlier this year. We spoke to our PBM on a Sunday night and she said she intended to sign the TPR the next day, but then didn't. It was our first match and we really thought it was a sure thing. Now we are facing this with our second match and PBM seems so sure of herself but we know that can change quickly.

Any thoughts, experiences, etc. that you all can provide would be GREATLY appreciated.

[kelceesmom]

Not going to be much help here sorry. You are aware that any match has a potential to not go thru so no need to go into that.

I would say you really need to follow your heart. What is your feeling with the pbmom and her mom. Does she have support in her decision to place and to wait until bdad signs? Only you know her and you do have to take a leap of faith on any match. Good luck and we'll be praying for you.

[bajj]

We had a legal risk with our oldest son for 13 months. His Bdad didn't know about him, so we had to do a 12 month dilligent search and then wait for a court date after that time.

He is 6 years old now.

[Free_to_be_me]

I don't have any advice for your situation, but wanted to share that as a birthmom, I wasn't willing to sign anything until after birthdad did, either. There was no way I was going to risk him having parental rights and me not having them. My biggest concern was that he would change his mind and I wouldn't have the option of following through with the adoption plan.

[loveajax]

Eponine, Oh, this is a tough one! I am so afraid of risk that I think I would pass on this situation. But as someone also said, there is always "risk" until TPRs are signed...it's just here that you have more "reason" to think that the dad won't sign.

I know once DD was home with us even for a day, I would not have been able to "part" with her without probably suffering some severe breakdown.

Good luck in whatever decision you make!

[dragonfly1234]

It is a tough decision that you and only you and dh can make.

Our son was a legal risk as all adoptions are...but ours the birthfather had not signed and he had been served papers. We still had 30 days to wait to see if he would come forward. Dh and I did alot of talking and praying that this was the right decision to continue. Our decision was to go forward and our son came home. The 30 days was always in the back of my mind but being busy with a newborn and our older son you don't have much time to think.

I know that you and your dh will make the right decision and you know the situation far better than any of us.

[court5505]

I'm having a major case of deja-vu! This is EXACTLY what happened to us...pregnant girlfriend and all! We really struggled with what to do, but we decided to take the risk. I thank God everyday that we did! It worked out for us and we have the most amazing daughter! Bdad did end up getting a paternity test and we had to wait about 3 weeks for that to come through. After it came back, he signed and then bmom signed and we were so relieved! I have to be honest and say that those were the 3 longest and most stressful weeks of my life!!! Not only are we totally sleep deprived and trying to figure out everything that you need to know as new parents, but we also had this dark cloud hanging over our heads that this precious girl could be taken back. We fell in love with her instantly and couldn't bear the thought of not having her as our daughter. Like I said, in the end it all worked out for us. Obviously it could go either way for you and you have to decide what is best for you. I know it would break your heart to lose the baby down the road, but if you don't do it, you may be missing out on the love of your life! It's such a hard and personal decision and you truly have to go with your gut! Good luck!

[HBV]

Check with your lawyer---some states allow a bmom to make a conditional tpr in this kind of situation----she can revoke hers if the bdad won't sign.

You may also want to check into what your state says about the bfather's obligations---our state allows termination of rights in some cases if the bdad didn't support the mom during the pregnancy. And, finally, if there's some way to get the information to the bdad (perhaps through your agency or lawyer?) that he'll be obligated to support the child, you may be able to get a resolution. Sounds elementary, but I'm astonished at the disconnect we've witnessed recently between a bdad's idea of his "rights" and his responsibilities.

Maybe some additional information to bdad will help tip the scales one way or another.

[Eponine]

Thanks everyone - I just have a hard time working through my thoughts and feelings somethimes but getting others' inputs really helps.

The maternity worker at our agency (we have a CW, and then there is a maternity worker who works with PBM and father) has said she will wait until the baby is born, then call him and tell him we are filing the court order to have his rights revoked and hopes that will prompt him into signing a termination rather than taking it thru the courts.

In IL, where we are, the onus is on the father to prove that he is able to care for the child. That is, he has to retain an attorney and file with the court that he wants to and is able to parent the child. We're not concerned that he would "win" this battle - unemployed, not a stable home environment, etc. It just makes that much more we have to go through and extends the time PBM has to change her mind and decide to parent.

I doubt our PBM will decide to parent; her parents have said that if she wants to raise the child she has to move out and do so on her own. Her mom at least is very supportive of PBM's adoption plan (haven't met her dad - he seems to want to wash his hands of the whole situation). PBM also has a counselor besides the agency maternity worker who has been working with her in dealing with the pregnancy and adoption process.

It just almost destroyed both me & DH when the last match failed. I don't think we would have the strength to go on if we cared for a child for a month and then lost him but I don't want to let this "opportunity" go by....

[Stormster]

Who will the baby be staying with between the time she is born and the Mother's TPR?

For me, after a failed adoption and having to give the baby back to his Mom I was never willing to care for the baby until after the TPR. That was our only hard and fast "rule" in moving forward with an adoption. The previous experience almost did us in.

Protect yourself.
Good luck!

[Eponine]

Stormster -

Where the baby will be is the big question right now - PBM doesn't want him in foster care for the time it takes to terminate the father's rights (30 days or longer if father files with the courts). PBM wants the baby to be with us so we need to decide if we are willing to take the risk of caring for him before the TPR or if we "force" her to let him be in foster care. The other options would be for her to choose a different set of a-parents or to care for him herself until the TPR....

[feelingreyt]

((((Eponine)))) It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I just want to say that if at all possible, don't let the baby go foster care. If you do end up adopting this baby you would regret not being the first person he bonds too. Atleast, I would anyway. I know you have to guard your heart, I understand that. This is a very tough decision you are faced with. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

[RavenSong]

It seems to me that the expectant mother is looking out for "the best interests of the child" inasmuch as she does not want the baby placed into foster care. I would feel very uncomfortable in "forcing" her to place the baby into foster care until the birthfather signs the relinquishment papers.

I also completely understand why she has decided not to sign the voluntary relinquishment papers until her former boyfriend does. She is looking out for the best interests of her child. I remember a case several years ago in the media where the birthmom had signed the papers before the birthfather did. And the birthfather turned around and refused to allow the adoption to proceed. I can't remember if the bdad ended up with custody in the end ~ I just remember feeling really bad for the bmom. I know she appealed to the court, saying that if her adoption plan wasn't going to be allowed, then she wanted to raise the child, herself.

I do hope that you will consider taking the "risk" of letting the baby come to your home instead of a foster home. Yes, if things go wrong, it's going to be really, really painful. But in all likelihood, things are going to go fine for you. Those first 30 days or so can be so important in bonding with your new baby.

And if you're serious about not going thru with this adoption because of the legal risk involved, please tell the PBM as soon as possible. She has the right to know, so that she can match up with another couple ASAP. Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth....

[DebCsMom]

With our first adoption we had a legal risk. Our daughter's Birth Mom did not want to sign until she knew that there would be no problems with the Birth Dad. We had our daughter for 3 1/2 months before her Birth Mom signed TPR. It was another 2 months before the Birth Dad's rights were terminated by the courts.

GOOD LUCK!!

Deb

[lovemy2boys]

Our agency's policy was to wait 4 to 6 weeks after the bmom gives birth before she signs the TPR. During this period, she receives extra counseling and takes the extra time to be sure she is making the "right" decision.

When our second son was born, both first parents wanted to place JD for adoption but they were minors, so their parents had to sign as well. "C's" parents signed, but "T's" mother wanted to keep the baby herself(which he was adamently opposed to but was still put under a great deal of pressure from his mother). We had to wait until "T" turned 18 before he could even sign (which was only a few weeks). Our sw stressed to us that we needed to tell ourselves that we were JD's foster parents until his parents signed the TPR. Emotionally, this was easier said than done, but in the end the adoption went through. It was a very stressful time for everybody, and was considered "high risk", but initially we had decided that the risk would be worth it. Now, we had never had a failed match, so who knows what we would have decided had that been a factor.

I'm sure you will be doing alot of soul searching to see if this is the right match for you. You are in a difficult position - my thoughts are with you.