[NicNic]

I thought I'd share an email I sent to family/friends after comments were made like "I don't understand how someone can give their baby away" and "Oh, she just doesn't want this baby?" UGH....

There's something that you should probably know regarding adoption. I know it's a tough concept for a lot of people to understand, but there is something I'd like to share with you all. Recently, I had heard an amazing definition of love (that had nothing to do with adoption). If you truely love someone, you love them without you in it...meaning that you don't consider yourself or your own feelings in front of that persons needs. I honestly think that is what a birthparent does. It is an extremely unselfish, loving act and one of the hardest, most difficult things to do in terms of dealing with their own feelings. They put their child's needs ahead of their own in hopes that the child will have a better life than they can give themselves. Which is why I get defensive when someone questions their motive or integrity. I have never met a birthmother who just 'didn't want the baby'. I have now met six different birthmoms and none of them have the same story, but there is one thing that is similar. It's not at all that they don't want the baby. All of them really would love to keep the baby. The top two reasons are usually financial and the want for both a mother and father in the child's life. In the case of (our adoptive son who passed away at birth) Christian's birthparents, they did not have the money to raise another child and it was extremely important to his birthfather that this child have a decent shot in life, including a college education. He knew they weren't going to be able to do that. In Keelie's birthmom's case, she said that she would love to take care of Keelie herself, but she was single, living with friends, no dad in the picture, unsupportive mom, and no job. That was not the life she wanted for her daughter. She wanted Keelie to grow up with both a mom and a dad, who didn't have to worry about how they were going to pay for diapers or formula. With Kacy's mom, she has 4 children (12, 8, and 2-year old twins). She is single and trying to do it all on her own. When she found out that she was pregnant again, she said that she really wanted to do 'something good', and give this baby to a couple that could really take care of her and that couldn't have a child on their own.


As far as I am concerned, a birthparent ranks pretty high in my book. Without my girls' birthparents, I would never have the opportunity to parent. They are amazing women and I am honored that they chose me to be their child's mother.

[alinev]

Most people "don't get it" simply for lack of exposure. I "did not get it" until my DH and I entered the world of adoption. Acutally, he still doesn't. Personally, I don't like either the glorification or the demonization of bmom's and dads. Adoption is a complex thing fraught with a myriad of reasons, rationales and emotions. I have come to believe that biological families are often built of very similar complexities, they just seem be given a pass because many would rather mistreat, ignore or subject their children to less then healthy situations rather then give them up. I like our son's (2) bmom. She is neither a saint nor a sinner for her choices in my eyes. She is a woman like many, struggling to find her way in her life. I do not pretend to understand her life's choices, they would not be mine but we have different life experiences. Mine would not be someone elses. As the grateful recipient of her missteps ( she did not choose these pregnancies) I cannot and will not judge. That said, I cannot raise her status to that of madonna. The perpetuallly wrong boyfriend that does not stay, the birth control that has failed 4 times are an indication of any number of issues that block her moving on with her life. In many ways I regret our lack of proximity, of initmacy. We are so initmate, I am loving and raising her blood as my own. Each and every day I go to sleep and wake up looking at the beautiful children she has made but I do not and cannot really know her. I cannot really help in a way that she just might need. I truly hope every day that her choices bring her and her other two children happiness.

I still "don't really get it" but I "totally get" my beautiful boys and for them, always for them, I will not judge.

[mrskt]

Very beautifully stated by both of you ladies - I wish more of the foster families and adoptive families I work with (I'ma CPS caseworker) were able to understand as much as you both do!

Katy

[alinev]

Funny, I just reread what I had written and realized that previously, over the summer, I had had a tirade on a seperate thread, angry with my bmom for what I believed to be some choices that I felt were not remotely in her best interest, concerned about any future impact on our boys. I am smiling now, not necessarily because of my hypocracy, but because I just realized that I have many of the same feelings for our bmom as one might have for close friends or family. I don't really know her but, after the anger and annoyance has passed, the positive feeling come back. There are the ties that bind, even in our semi-open adoption. So, I guess I do judge a bit, but eventually let it go.

[rtsmom]

Like alinev, I also feel that our sons' birthparents are not sinners, but they're not saints either. Both of our boys' bparents were in their mid-30's when they conceived. Both were married and financially stable. Both were planned, very much wanted second pregnancies.

Both babies were born with special needs. Both were placed simply because they were not born normal and healthy. Both sets of bparents admitted that, had they known prenatally, they would have aborted.

Do I judge them? I certainly have in the past. In fact, when our first a-son was about 3 months old, I experienced a lot of anger toward his bparents, because they had 'rejected' [i]my[i] son, because he was born 'imperfect'.

Do I respect that they had the insight to know that they weren't the best parents to handle the special needs they were handed (apparently sometimes God does give us more than we can handle)? Yes, I do.

Adopton is not always about super young, 'angelic' couples choosing to place their 'perfect' newborn babies and bestowing the gift of parenthood on an infertile couple.

Like alinev, I can also get a bit annoyed with the glorification of birth parents. Adoptive parents should not allow themselves to feel they are forever indebted. And if they should, birth parents should feel just as indebted to them. Both are offering a remarkable gift to one another.

Janet

[Synesthesia]

I was trying to explain this very thing to a 19 year old friend.
I tried to explain to her that it wasn't a simple matter of a child not being wanted, it's not that simple, it's never that simple. There are complicated issues involved, and they vary by the individual. Demonizing and canonizing people over their difficult decisions doesn't really help their case and doesn't view them enough as real actual people placed in difficult situations.
Compassion and understanding is what is needed at all times for all involved.

[feelingreyt]

Over the holiday we were able to introduce our newly adopted baby to some of our extended family. I found myself literally defending his first mom. Comments like...."how can anyone just give away a baby". I can understand to a certain extent what these people were asking, it's just how they ask it. But when you think about it, to alot of people adoption is not something you encounter very often so you just say the first thing that pops into your head. When you look at a beautiful baby or child that is adopted, you wonder how on earth the bioparents could give them up. I honestly don't think the comments are made with malice, but nonetheless, I found myself defending his first mom.
I told them she loved him so much that she wanted a life for him that she was not able to provide. Ofcourse with family, I went into it further, but I let them know that she loved her baby. And that, yes, she has made poor choices in her life, but that in NO way makes her less of a person. Besides, who among us has not made poor choices at some point? I know I sure have.

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by rtsmom

Both babies were born with special needs. Both were placed simply because they were not born normal and healthy. Both sets of bparents admitted that, had they known prenatally, they would have aborted.

Do I judge them? I certainly have in the past. In fact, when our first a-son was about 3 months old, I experienced a lot of anger toward his bparents, because they had 'rejected' [i]my[i] son, because he was born 'imperfect'.
Janet

Interesting, as a birthmother, I must tell you, that had my son been born "imperfect" he would not have been placed for adoption. I would have been too afraid he would have ended up in foster care for an extended period of time. I wanted him to have two parents who were prepared and waiting to be parents.

[rtsmom]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Interesting, as a birthmother, I must tell you, that had my son been born "imperfect" he would not have been placed for adoption. I would have been too afraid he would have ended up in foster care for an extended period of time. I wanted him to have two parents who were prepared and waiting to be parents.

Oh we were very prepared and anxiously waiting to become parents again and, fortunately for us, we were specifically waiting to adopt an infant with the tough challenges that our first a-son was born with.

Of course, the special needs involved were a curveball for our sons' b-parents, but ended up being our best blessings yet.

Janet

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Interesting, as a birthmother, I must tell you, that had my son been born "imperfect" he would not have been placed for adoption. I would have been too afraid he would have ended up in foster care for an extended period of time. I wanted him to have two parents who were prepared and waiting to be parents.

Kathy, that's interesting ~ When I was carrying DS and planning to surrender him, I came to the same conclusion that you did. If he had been born with any type of disability or congenital problem, I would not have relinquished him. I, too, would have hated the thought of him languishing in foster care, and I wouldn't have allowed that to happen.

In fact, when the county social worker told me back in 1972 that DS would be taken from the hospital nursery to a foster home and that he would remain there until I signed the voluntary relinquishment papers, I decided on the spot that I would sign the papers immediately after being discharged from the hospital. And that's what I did 2 hours after being released from the hospital. She told me that day my son would be moved into his adoptive home within the week, but I found out upon reunion with him 18 years later that his parents didn't get him until he was 30 days old. It really upset me....