[Jenn_hg]

For those of you looking into adoption b/c of failed IUI or IVF, do you ever get over feeling angry that you cant have a biological child or be pg? Even though I was lucky to have DD, it is hard getting over the idea that having another bio child will not happen for us. (we have 2ndary infertility).
I get angry and upset whenever I see a pg woman. I dont want to go through life feeling like this.
I just want another baby and although I know I will love an adopted child as much as my bio child I am deathly afraid of the "You're not my REAL mom" anger a pre-teen will throw out if they get grounded or disiplined. I am also really worried about them fantasizing about their FirstMom and Dad and this tears me up b/c DH and I are good, nurturing parents.

I guess I am feeling sorry for myself and just want this pain to go away. Plus I have to go into work today and there are 6 pg ladies there (3 with their 2nd child).
Thanks for listening.

[ocracoke]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time with this. I can remember while I was going through fertility treatment seeing all of my friends get pregnant and it was tough. However, when I finally decided to move on to adoption I felt a huge sense of relief. I didn't really want to be pregnant and give birth. I wanted to raise a child. Moving on to adoption felt like a "sure thing" for me. Every month while trying to get pregnant was a gamble but adoption was a process that lead to a child. And ultimately that was my goal.

I wish you peace with this.
Samantha

[WaitingforaBoy]

I totally understand your feelings of anger. I suffered miscarriages and finally had kids of my own. But because of a complicated pregnancy I had to have a Hysterectomy. We want more kids but obviously can't have our own now. Adoption is very appealing to me. But I know what you mean about being angry. I think that is NORMAL. You are going through a Grief process and that is one of the "stages." Be sure you take the time to grieve and heal from your loss!! I was so sad and depressed and went to counseling. That really helped. I can say today that I don't look at other pg ladies the same. It still makes me sad for what I can't have. But I try to remember that maybe they had troubles too and then finally got pg, and that makes me smile.
Sorry to ramble. I will think of you!
Jessica

[anivan]

Hi Jenn,

This is just my opinion, but it sounds like you still have a lot of "issues" to resolve before you proceed to adoption. I tried for 7 years to conceive and miscarried 5 babies in the process so I certainly understand the anger you are talking about. I just think maybe it might be a very good idea to hold off on adoption plans until you resolve your feelings about infertility. Your adopted child deserves to feel as anticipated, welcomed and loved as any biological child would. Plus, I would think that if you are still so angry and sad that any potential birth mom that you meet will pick up on this. I wouldn't want to entrust my child to someone who still has so much anger about not being able to have a biological child. I don't know your entire situation and I apologize if this sounds harsh. That's not my intention. I just know what a joy my daughter is to us. She was SO wanted and anticipated! Good luck to you! ~Ann

[HBV]

Honestly, yes, I got over it, and I got over it pretty quickly. I was definitely sad, as was DH. We went to talk to our priest after the diagnosis, came to the realization that we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant, and threw ourselves into the same kind of preparation and research into adoption that we'd spent on trying to conceive.

Faith was a big part of it---just having a clear sense that this was a path to parenthood was helpful. As for the teenage angst, I'm not too worried about that. We have an open adoption, H will always know about his bio mom, and frankly, I think MOST teenagers find some hurtful thing to say to their parents during those years. It's part of adolescence and the desire to separate yourself from your parents. If it weren't "you're not my REAL parents" it would be something else.

I think you have to let some of the fear go. If you're already a mom, you know that parenthood holds a lot of surprises (good and bad) and there's no way to insulate yourself from that, whether you're an adoptive parent or a biological one. Adoption has different challenges than pregnancy, but they're both a path to parenthood. For me, it was just a decision about what was more important ---the path or the destination.

[lovemy2boys]

I remember answering something similar to this a few months ago on another post...The funny thing was, after the whole "fertility treatment" ordeal was over, I felt nothing but relief (it was a long road and my body was worn out from the treatments). We knew we were going to adopt at that point and were very excited at the prospect. I never felt angry or resentful that I couldn't get pregnant, nor did I feel upset when I saw people who were. In fact, I couldn't understand women who did (not a judgement - I just really didn't "get" the emotions they were feeling).

Fastforward 8 years, here I was a happy mom of the two boys we adopted. I was at the shower of one of my close friends (probably the 100th shower I had been to). There was my friend who was so beautiful and pregnant and glowing, and something in me broke - I thought I was going to break down right there. I stayed the appropriate amount of time and high tailed it out of there with tears streaming down my face. I was so sad that I would never be able to experience what my friend was. I was soo incredibly sad. The feelings eventually subsided and they went away for four years (or were buried deep down), but the sadness reared it's ugly head this past September. My oldest started kindergarden and my youngest started preschool, and here comes the sadness. Probably because I am getting older, probably because I know we aren't having any more children.

The feelings come and go...They don't come often (twice in 10 years isn't too bad) but when they come, they come hard. For me, I don't "miss" having a biological child, I just "miss" not being able to go through the experience. Still, I wouldn't trade a second of my life...

[NJNative]

Originally Posted by lovemy2boys

I remember answering something similar to this a few months ago on another post...The funny thing was, after the whole "fertility treatment" ordeal was over, I felt nothing but relief (it was a long road and my body was worn out from the treatments). We knew we were going to adopt at that point and were very excited at the prospect. I never felt angry or resentful that I couldn't get pregnant, nor did I feel upset when I saw people who were. In fact, I couldn't understand women who did (not a judgement - I just really didn't "get" the emotions they were feeling).

I never felt angry, never felt any regret. I was just thrilled to be able to adopt my son. But maybe that's because my family has a strong history of adoption. I had two adopted grandparents and have four adopted cousins.

As for the "you're not my real mother" thing, well, I think that's not something to worry about. My son, who is now 17, has never even said it -- not even during the tumultuous 13-14 yo stage. ONE of my adopted cousins said it, and her mom laughed at her. She said she was waiting for one of her two adopted kids (she had 3 bios, too) to say it. And real or not, said kid still needed to clean her room before she could go out. It's one of those things kids will might try saying, but will only keep saying if they see that it pushes your buttons. My cousin (whom my now elderly aunt lives with today) never said it again. And the fact that my aunt lives with that daughter out of her five kids says a lot, too.

Even after all these years, I never get angry when someone I know is pregnant. Instead I feel happy that they will not have to go through what I went through. Wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

However, I agree that you need to do a lot of thinking -- and maybe some counseling -- so you can leave the anger behind and go out and find your kid! Good luck!

Robin

[NJNative]

I know it looks wonderful to be the glowing mom at the baby shower, but don't forget the other side.

Morning sickness, swollen ankles, a bladder that needs to be emptied every 20 minutes, aching back, strange cravings, more morning sickness, not being able to see your feet, gas, being exhausted for 9 months, hemmorhoids, being kicked all night til you are black and blue, gaining 40 pounds to produce a 7 pound baby, waddling when you walk. 28 hours of labor. A C-section.

See what happens when you have 43 cousins? LOL...you see way too many pregnant women and hear them complaining.

I try to focus on the positive. I had three baby showers -- and the baby got to come. MY baby slept 10 hours a night from his first night with me (he was 10 months old). I got to get my new baby while wearing a silk blouse and makeup -- I look GREAT in those first pictures....

And best of all I got my hilarious, handsome, smart son. I wouldn't have even met him -- much less had the privilege of being his mom -- if I could have conceived.

Robin

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Jenn_hg

For those of you looking into adoption b/c of failed IUI or IVF, do you ever get over feeling angry that you cant have a biological child or be pg? Even though I was lucky to have DD, it is hard getting over the idea that having another bio child will not happen for us. (we have 2ndary infertility).
I get angry and upset whenever I see a pg woman. I dont want to go through life feeling like this.
I just want another baby and although I know I will love an adopted child as much as my bio child I am deathly afraid of the "You're not my REAL mom" anger a pre-teen will throw out if they get grounded or disiplined. I am also really worried about them fantasizing about their FirstMom and Dad and this tears me up b/c DH and I are good, nurturing parents.

I guess I am feeling sorry for myself and just want this pain to go away. Plus I have to go into work today and there are 6 pg ladies there (3 with their 2nd child).
Thanks for listening.

I am sorry you are going through this Jenn. We made the decision to explore and pursue a possible adoption before we went on to IUI and/or IVF for many reasons, most of them very personal, but reality was, our chances were very slim even with that kind of treatment. That said, I haven't been where you are except for the fact that were were never able to conceive except once, which ended in m/c. That's a little background...

With that said, I am coming to understand that maybe some of us don't "get over it" but more likely, learn to live with it. Everyone's experiences are different. When we decided to not pursue more treatment and explore adoption, we went to counseling together as a couple to "work through" our issues (read: my issues) regarding fertility. I can say we found peace but that wouldn't be completely true. We found a way to live with it but it was still a struggle, esp when our jobs took us right into the heart of other's experiences of adding to their families. It was hard. But we pushed through.

And the reality is that, for me, it wasn't until very recently, after two children have joined our family through adoption, and I was starting to deal with the idea that our family may be complete (against what I want... I would love to add 2 or 3 more kids...) that all my feelings really came into focus and once again, I have been grieving the loss of the experience of being pregnant and giving birth. For me, it isn't about having bio children at all. It's a loss of the experience that most women have been blessed to experience.

Obviously, your experience is very different than mine, and that is my point. And all I can say is that you need to feel what you're feeling and do all that you can to face them, work through them, learn to live with them without the expectaion that they'll just go away. BEcause sometimes they don't, no matter how hard you work at it. You can't live there and not work on it, but you also can't expect it to be what others have experienced. Because it's what you're going through...

Tough stuff, but even in asking the question, you are on the way... many hugs of hope to you...

ETA one thing I forgot to say... Anger is a very valid and normal thing to feel. I don't think at least from my experience that you 'get over it' as much as work through it. I tried for a long time to get over it by sheer will and with time (as some advised me to do) and all it did was get stuffed down and compounded by the next things that happened.

[akcskye]

Everyone views their own fertility (or lack thereof) in ways different from each other.

There are probably some people reading this post and not responding, because they may feel that you should be glad you at least got to HAVE a child (meaning actually got to experience the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth), while many out there don't even get to be blessed with this.

There are probably some people out there that totally empathize and have faced secondary infertility themselves, yet, have more positive outlooks than you, or maybe even worse outlooks than you.

With so many women seemingly able to get pregnant that tend to multiply in your area when you're trying with no luck...yes, it can be a sad, confusing, angry time for the person that is not pregnant.

I did go through a time of resentment during my miscarriages.

A friend of mine had 4 babies. I couldn't even carry one?

Talk about feeling like a complete and total failure.

But, remember, it's not always our fault we can't conceive, and even when it's "proven" to be our fault (like PCOS or fibroids or something structural or your hubby is infertile), it doesn't lessen us as a person.

Does a person with cancer blame themselves for getting cancer? No. Or they shouldn't.

Does a person broadsided in a car accident blame themselves for their paralysis? No, they shouldn't.

It's easy to get stuck in this pattern of feeling down and sorry for yourself, I've been there...but it's not fair to you, OR your happy pregnant friends, to stay in the doldrums of not being able to conceive.

Consider what you're thinking/asking by being upset about your friends and associates being pregnant...not being able to be and living in the misery you're living in?

I don't think any of us would wish that on our worst enemy!

There is a time and a place for everything, whether you're religious or not, I do believe this to be a true statement.

Try to take care of yourself, and do what you need to make yourself feel better, but remember you're not alone and can come to us at any time.

This is a time where, in your shoes, I would set aside 15-30 minutes of the day hashing over your current situation, and counting the blessings you do have.

Then, once that daily time is done, be done with it.

Allowing yourself to grieve and process this will help you heal.

(((HUGS)))

[loveajax]

I am like Tammy, I think...I still mourn my infertility. It comes back to "haunt" me at the weirdest times (like at a lunch recently where everyone was regaling me with their L and D stories, etc.). I also think that social workers that ask people to "resolve" their anger/sadness over infertility are really rude....As someone said, you would never say that to someone who had cancer/paralysis, etc.

Infertility can really do a number on you (I know). I CAN say wholeheartedly though that I (personally) believe that the struggles have helped me (personally) to be a better mom to my daughter. And my "anger" and "sadness" (though there to some degree) are pretty much not part of my every day anymore. The joy of parenting has sort of taken over (on most days, tho not today when DD is being a nudge! ha!).

Good luck to you!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I have to say...I thought I was done with feeling the tinge of anger and bitterness...but then BIL and SIL announced their latest "accident" pregnancy. I suppose it would not make me so mad if they could support the children they have, but they are ALWAYS broke and looking for a hand out. They use the kids as leverage to get people to feel sorry for them and give in to them. The worst part is that they make good money...they just spend more than they make. So, maybe it is not just because they can have a kid any old time they want, but that they can't care for the ones they have!

[EZ2Luv]

I haven't read all of the responses but I do want to chime in on something Anivan posted. Please do not proceed with any adoption until you haver resolved your anger. these issues you have will not just go away because you adopt. They will only stay deep down inside you and fester. It is so not fair to being an innocent aadoptee into the mix with such issues. I know that you say you could love the child, but this child will DEFINATELY pick up on this anger that can later turn to resentment. I am not wanting to be harsh, but as an adoptee who has been around for a very long time I have witnessed so many times that PAPs thing that adoption is going t make everything OK and a baby is the answer. I can tell you firsthand that a baby is NOT the answer to this anger and unresolved issues. Truth be told, any good social worker will pick up on this and will prbably fail your homestudy. Take some time, try to make peace with yourself, get some counseling. Adoption will always be there, but get yourself right first.
Do you read of how many adoptees have had crumby childhoods at the hands of their aparents? I ll wager dollars to doughnuts that a good majority of those adoptees were adopted by aparent that prematurly jumped into the adoption before they resolved those issues you are describing. Again, it is simply not fair to burden an adoptee with such baggage. that anger will come out somewhere down the line and the adoptee will be the innocent victm and the one to suffer. I am grateful that ,y aparents waited until they were truly right with themselves prior to adopting me. I have many friends that were not so lucky and have tried all their lives to try and fix their aparents.

EZ

[MaggieMay06]

Jenn,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so angry. Each of us is unique and will handle our fertility and adoptions uniquely. NOBODY, here or anywhere else, can or should tell you what you are "supposed" to feel. We can give you insight, tell you our stories and maybe commiserate with you. DH and I were never able to conceive and were told that it was highly unlikely to ever happen (even w/ treatment). Even still, I hold on to hope that someday, we'll be magically surprised and get pg. I used to be angry when I saw other pg women but with time, some counseling, a patient husband and the joy of our son (adopted, obviously), I don't get angry anymore. I still see pg women EVERYWHERE I go and feel sad/jealous sometimes (hmmm...to be honest, I'm jealous of the pregnancy that YOU experienced ). I DO get irritated beyond belief when I hear women complain about pregnancy (yes, NJNative, I know pregnancy can be tough, but I'd still give almost anything to experience it just once). Some of us will never "get over" the loss, but you will find a way of learning to live your life according to a new plan. You're doing the right thing. You're moving on (making strides toward adoption) and more importantly admitting and discussing your feelings honestly. Allow yourself to grieve. Find a way to grieve constructively (I either journal or scrapbook - - I can then move on). You have to find a way so that you can be a healthy wife and mom to your daughter and next child.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

I haven't read all of the responses bu I do want to chime in on something Anivan posted. Please do not proceed with any adoption until you haver resolved your anger. these issues you have will not just go away because you adopt. They will only stay deep down inside you and fester. It is so not fair to being an innocent aadoptee into the mix with such issues. I know that you say you could love the child, but this child will DEFINATELY pick up on this anger that can later turn to resentment. I am not wanting to be harsh, but as an adoptee who has been around for a very long time I have witnessed so many times that PAPs thing that adoption is going t make everything OK and a baby is the answer. I can tell you firsthand that a baby is NOT the answer to this anger and unresolved issues. Truth be told, any good social worker will pick up on this and will prbably fail your homestudy. Take some time, try to make peace with yourself, get some counseling. Adoption will always be there, but get yourself right first.
Do you read of how many adoptees have had crumby childhoods at the hands of their aparents? I ll wager dollars to doughnuts that a good majority of those adoptees were adopted by aparent that prematurly jumped into the adoption before they resolved those issues you are describing. Again, it is simply not fair to burden an adoptee with such baggage. that anger will come out somewhere down the line and the adoptee will be the innocent victm and the one to suffer. I am grateful that ,y aparents waited until they were truly right with themselves prior to adopting me. I have many friends that were not so lucky and have tried all their lives to try and fix their aparents.

EZ

EZ I do agree with you an almost every point. Any child who joins a family through adoption does so without their consent. They are not there to solve anyone's already existing issues or replace a child that a parent still dreams of. Everything must be done before a child joins a family through adoption (or in the process I might add... the education I got about adoption during the process went a long way to helping me realize the work to be done) to make sure they are not considered a replacement or a victim of the expression of anger that their parent may have. I agree wholeheartedly with all of that.

But I also believe it's not as black and white as you state, if I'm understanding your post right. A person experiencing fertility, like myself, can do everything to try to resolve those feelings beforehand but the fact is, that the true, full sense of what they lost because of their infertility may not be fully known or understood until a child is a part of the family. At least that has been my experience. Of course, that means that work must be done to work through and deal with those feelings when they are recognized so they don't affect how a child is parented. But that is true for anyone who is parenting. This is not strictly an issue related to those experiencing infertility. It's just not as simple as "deal with it before you go any further". At least from my experience.