[ldaddy]

Hello everyone. My husband and I adopted 2 children from Guatemala. Because of the troubles there, we have been looking at other avenues for a future adoption (which we dont plan to even begin for another year). My real concern with domestic adoption is that we might not ever be picked. We have some real pros and cons I think. I was wondering if people could give us an idea if we would be candidates for being chosen by a birth mother.

Cons
-My husband uses a wheelchair (but is very healthy and active)
-I am quite over weight (also healthy and active)
-We want a partly open adoption, not fully until the child is old enough to choose but we would love to keep cards, photos and letters going in the mean time
-We have two young children (right now they are 2 and 10 months but we will wait until our youngest is 2 to even start the process)
-my husband is 16 years older then I am

Pros
-my husband is a physician and I am a stay at home mom
-we have a nice home and a good income
-we are open to all races and either gender and some mild to moderate medical issues
-drugs and smoking exposure are ok, but we arent open to alcohol exposure
-funding the adoption isnt an issue so we could do alot of ads or what ever...I dont know how domestic works quite yet. But we are willing to travel.
-waiting isnt a problem for us because we have young kids

So that is "us" in a nutshell. Is there any chance we would be chosen? It seems so competitive and that there are so many great couples waiting a long time.

Thanks
Dawn

[Juliana13]

Sure, why not? I suppose networking will be the biggest factor. We haven't networked a lot, mostly due to financial constraints, and we have been waiting for over a year (and we'd be such a great pick!!) LOL!

You never know. I have seen some adoptive hopefuls that I would think would be passed by, due to their age, circumstances, lifestyle and/or personal choices - that get their children quickly. And there are those who seem so perfect, who one would think would be anyone's dream pick, and they wait for years. It is about connetcions, finances, exposure and lots of luck. And if you are religious, like we are, there are the elements of prayer and God putting people where they need to be and helping them to be found.

A couple I know, good friends of mine, did not look good on paper. they were overweight (VERY much so, but active) and older, among other factors... But I knew them personally, and knew they would be incredible parents, and my heart ached for them. I wondered if they would get chosen - would a potential birthmother ever consider them? They DID wait longer than average, but have separately adopted two adorable infants.

In short, there's no reason why not. So go for it, if you want to.

[timbo30]

I have a freind who's husband is in a wheelchair and they they adopted. I don't think that is a con. Your family sounds great. There is no way to know how long it will take but when it is right it will happen.

[loveajax]

I think people "underestimate" themselves....The most important thing to many expecting parents may be how well you are parenting now (which I am sure is great). Don't sell yourself short! I also think with your level of openness, you may be presented in situations where you may be one of only a few families interested in that situation (my DH and I were one of only three families presented to DD's birth parents -- DD's birth parents were extremely healthy, DD's birth mom never did drugs or alcohol while pg, etc. DD is biracial (AA/CC) and, at that time, only three families at our (rather large) agency were open to be presented to that situation.).

Good luck! Karen

[ldaddy]

Thanks. We actually are fantastic parents And I know that. Everything is about our kids and we loooove parenting. And, not to be too full of myself, I think we are nice and fun people too. I supose I am daunted by asking someone to pick us based on a letter and some photos. On the other hand, I dont think I could do a fully open adoption where I had to meet the mother before the adoption was finalized. I would throw up on her from sheer nervousness. And I doubt that would go over well.

[Juliana13]

Another thought to throw at you - Meeting an expectant mother/birthmother before finalization can be done in a closed adoption, too. So even if your adoption is not open, be prepared to meet the birthmother. Many birthmothers, regardless of the level of openness they are seeking, like to meet the hopeful adoptive parents.

One of ours started as technically closed, although we mede it semi-open soon after. But regardless, the birthmother wanted to meet us before birth, after she chose us. Then we would never meet again. (That was the plan, although we did meet again once). After visiting with us, she decided she wanted letters and pictures occasionally, but she does not have any of our identifying info, no visits, etc. And that is what she wants. (Us, too.)

So, be prepared, try to not throw up on her and know that she will be nervous, too. It is a really neat experience. A little surreal, but beautiful. And kinda cool to look back on. Some may not want to meet, but I think meeting is the norm, in any arrangement.

[alinev]

When we beagn the adoption process, we too were afraid of not being picked for any number of reasons. I am 10 years older then my DH, we are not religious, etc. When discussing our chances with our adoption reps, they made it clear that what bmoms choose is always different and very personal to each one. For example, an overweight bmom may only choose overweight bparents because that is what is familiar. She might fear that thin parents might not be understanding if her child tended to be heavy. Don't sell yourself short, you will be chosen.

As for meeting the bmom. I always refer to our first meeting as the scariest blind date I have ever been on!

Best of luck to you.

BTW, after all our fretting, we were chosen in 3 days!!!

[mommy3]

My support to you to not sell yourselves short -- I do believe that adoption stats are just as interesting and varied as any other cross-section of the population -- short, tall, heavier, thinner, you name it. I recall a couple at our orientation weekend with our agency where the man used a wheelchair and felt he'd be a liability in the process and was worried -- they adopted before we did (in just a few months) and have twins! Also, about openness, if you allow yourself to breathe, there is such love shared and kindness by being able to meet an expectant mom ahead of time. For many, it's what gives them the knowledge and connection to be able to place their baby in adoption, at least that's what happened for us. Relationships grow -- and they have time to grow. We gradually got on board with openness and now feel so blessed to have two fully open adoptions. Best of luck, susan

[blessedbybug]

All I can say that if this is the avenue you choose to use to add to your family, then embrace it and WHO you are. We were told be our agency (when we asked!) that our wait MIGHT be longer than average for three very specific reasons having to do with our ages (DH is 14 years older than me and I am no spring chicken!), our occupations (both clergy), and our location (rural, small community). Guess what three of the top reasons that DD's First Mom chose us for? And she also said she was drawn to me because of how I looked in the picture on the front of our profile... she thought I looked happy and fun and liked my smile.... well... that pic was taken while I was on stress leave and 80 pounds overweight.

Our second time around we were assured that the wait would be longer because most of the time, expecting parents considering adoption wanted their child, if placed, to be the oldest in the family. Well... we waited only 12 months, with an average wait in our agency being 18 months. DS's first parents picked us partly because we were already parenting a daughter that was close in age to the child they were already parenting. They wanted to know that the child they placed would have a sibling.

One other thing... both of of my kids' first families stated in one way or another that they chose us because we weren't prfect. SHe felt like their was a possibility we would be able to relate to each other better, understand each other better because we weren't perfect.

Expecting parenting considering adoption usually know what they want when they see it. You have to be honest and true to yourself, fully who you are or in the end, I don't think the match will work. That's all there is to it. Your wait might be longer or shorter depending on who sees the profile but in the end, the situation that works out will be the one. Otherwise, it isn't the one.

Best of everything...