[Wisdom]

If our homestudy says we will consider a child who'd been exposed to certain drugs but we change our minds and decide we don't want to accept a certain drug exposure is that okay? Or do we have to stick with what we said our homestudy or have our homestudy changed?

[musemoon]

At placement your social worker will ask you if you are okay with XYZ drugs. We are fost/adopt, I am asuming you are a domestic adoption, but in our case our call went like this...."We have a situation, biracial newborn, exposed to crack cocaine, mom is a 20 year drug addict already lost kids to adoption, do you want to be put on the list to be placed with this child, she is in the hospital, you will pick her up Wednesday?" you then answer "yes" (which I did immediately and 2 years later she is PERFECT!) or "no".

That's it. I think if you say "no" a bunch of times they may want you to rewrite your homestudy, but you are able to say yes or no depending on how you feel about the match as the bmom (in domestic adoption) does as well.

[lovemy2boys]

This was a mistake we made with our agency. We had the option of yes, no or willing to discuss in our homestudy. For things we were unsure of, we put willing to discuss. We did so for everything from drug exposure to parents with mental/emotional problems and so on, figuring this meant possibly, but we'd like a little bit more education on what the circumstances were.

After 15 months of not hearing anything, we reviewed our homestudy with our sw, and she basically said "willing to discuss" meant no. We told her we were not opposed to any of these things, only wanted to be more informed and she said say no to things you are ABSOLUTELY opposed to, then yes to things you would be open to considering.

6 weeks later, we were matched with our oldest son's bmom. It kills me because she has learning disabilities, and had we not changed our profile, we would have been bypassed again and not been given the priviledge of being parents to this wonderful child who we love so completely. Before our placement we were upset that because of our error, our profile had never been shown...but then again, if it had, we may not have been placed with our son. God certainly does have a plan for us.

Anyway, sorry to ramble - my advice would be to say no to only the things you wouldn't even consider and good luck to you!

[bajj]

Wow love, with the agency I use willing to discuss actually means willing to discuss. I'm glad it does, how frustrating for you!

Most of the time they do describe the situation and you can say "yes we'd like to be presented" or "no we would not like to be presented to this emom."

I think you will find drug exposure, particular with domestic newborn adoption, is not quite as common as a lot of people believe it is. It does happen, though.

[Wisdom]

We told our homestudy sw that we were open to certain drugs, depending on the situation. But then in our adoption application (with a different agency than the homestudy agency) we checked off experimental drug use only (still thinking that we'd consider other situations).

The reason I'm asking is because the agency told us about a baby already born and asked if we'd consider it. If so, they'll show the birthmother our profile. Here's the situation and I'd appreciate any advice or input: Birthmother came to them at the end of her pregnancy. Pregnancy is the result of a one night stand (I think in another state) and they can't locate the birthfather. Birthmother said she did cocaine and marijuana at the beginning of her pregnancy only, but when she had the baby she and baby were positive for those drugs. She said that's because she went to a party the weekend she had the baby and did drugs that weekend. Our agency said the baby is doing well and has not shown signs of withdrawal.

We're hesitant, not knowing if the birthmother is being truthful about her drug use (did she use throughout entire pregnancy?). And, it's not even so much the cocaine and marijuana, but my biggest concern would be fetal alcohol syndrome. Even though alcohol wasn't mentioned, we learned in one of our classes that most times if someone does drugs they usually drink as well.

There's a part of me that wants to consider this situation, but another part of me that's not sure. I thought my husband would help us make the decision and say sure let's consider it, but he doesn't think we should, which surprised me. (I'm the more cautious one.) I guess the biggest thing for us is the birthmother doesn't seem trustworthy. We were wanting a situation where the birthmother had come to the agency early on so they could get to know her and she could be counseled.

Are we being too picky or expecting too much?

[loveajax]

Wisdom, the fact that the baby was born exposed is an "issue" in and of itself...Not one that you can't deal with, though, necessarily. But I would suspect that if you were really open only to "experimental" drug use, say, at the beginning of a preg., this situation may not be right for you (and that's OK). Or maybe you can ask the SW for more info about exacly what the baby was exposed to, how the baby is doing according to the doctors, etc. Good luck with your decision!

[benhenny]

You can change your mind about anything, any time. But with cocaine and marijuana exposure, I wouldn't be too concerned. Alcohol is worse.

If you think it could work for you, go for it. The worst thing that could happen is that you decide the match isn't for you - for whatever reason. You're not committing to anything at this point.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Wisdom

We told our homestudy sw that we were open to certain drugs, depending on the situation. But then in our adoption application (with a different agency than the homestudy agency) we checked off experimental drug use only (still thinking that we'd consider other situations).

The reason I'm asking is because the agency told us about a baby already born and asked if we'd consider it. If so, they'll show the birthmother our profile. Here's the situation and I'd appreciate any advice or input: Birthmother came to them at the end of her pregnancy. Pregnancy is the result of a one night stand (I think in another state) and they can't locate the birthfather. Birthmother said she did cocaine and marijuana at the beginning of her pregnancy only, but when she had the baby she and baby were positive for those drugs. She said that's because she went to a party the weekend she had the baby and did drugs that weekend. Our agency said the baby is doing well and has not shown signs of withdrawal.

We're hesitant, not knowing if the birthmother is being truthful about her drug use (did she use throughout entire pregnancy?). And, it's not even so much the cocaine and marijuana, but my biggest concern would be fetal alcohol syndrome. Even though alcohol wasn't mentioned, we learned in one of our classes that most times if someone does drugs they usually drink as well.

There's a part of me that wants to consider this situation, but another part of me that's not sure. I thought my husband would help us make the decision and say sure let's consider it, but he doesn't think we should, which surprised me. (I'm the more cautious one.) I guess the biggest thing for us is the birthmother doesn't seem trustworthy. We were wanting a situation where the birthmother had come to the agency early on so they could get to know her and she could be counseled.

Are we being too picky or expecting too much?

To address your OP that started this thread, we were originally willing to consider only minimal exposure but in the end, had placement in a situation where the exposure (cocaine, nicotine... both of which point to an assumption that alcohol could ~ and would most likely ~ be an issue as well) was over the first 12 - 20 weeks (we still don't know the whole story but have different stories from DD's first mom and the doctor she saw towards the end of her pregnancy). DD didn't test positive at birth and seems to be doing well at this point. She's 3 1/2.

With our second placement we were willing to consider some of the more difficult health situations including more prenatal substance exposure on a "case by case" basis. That meant that when a situation came up that might be a possibility but had some hard stuff involved, we were contacted and able to ask as many questions about the situation and get the answers we needed before letting our profile be shown. We were able to say 'yes" or 'no' without any repercussions by the agency.

DS did not test positive at birth but DID go through withdrawal for the first six weeks and was actually quite ill for the first five months. We learned (after the fact... we only knew of three times of use before placement) that there was quite a bit of exposure in the first 5 months and that she used within the last three days of delivery. But with that said, DS is 16 months and doing well now, has caught up developmentally at this point.

I will share my experience as well regarding being a part of the lives of families where there is an addiction illness. It does make it very hard. We have struggled with never getting the full story and I have struggled with anger at times, because what I want (complete openness and honesty) isn't possible right now. But this isn't about me. As much as I want the full story, and struggle in the not knowing and lack of mutual contact at this time, I also understand that their lives are hard and they feel ashamed by some of the choices they've made that led them to this place but also struggle to find what it takes to get themselves out of it. Yes, they made choices, but in some ways, the choices made were enabled by choices made on their behalf as they grew up.

And FWIW, it makes open adoption even more complicated BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE. I have had to make some decisions based on some of the things that have happened (or not happened, as in longterm sobriety) but work very hard to keep the door open for a time when contact would be healthy. Right now, we're in a semi-open with both first families, with some one on one contact as THEY are able. We continue to send letters and pictures as we committed to, even though esp with DD's first mom and one of her sisters, it is not a good time for contact in person. But with DS's family, our latest contact (yesterday!!!! YAY!!! We got a letter finally!) shows that his other mom is making huge strides in finding stability and health for her and her parented son. So that is a step in the right direction and we are opening the door even more to pursue contact on a more personal level.

And it is not only about the contact either. For me, I have struggled with having such an emotional investment in their lives, knowing the complexities of their struggles, bearing that burden for them, and not being able/allowed to be a part of their lives and journey towards health. That is their choice but it is our situation and we are dealing with it, all the while working with our children to know their first families as best we can in the situations we are in. This includes both protecting them from the hard stuff (which right now, sadly, is most of it) and opening up opportunities to honor their first families by leaving the door to contact open and by speaking always with respect about their other families.

The fact is that all these things must be considered when you are making this decision. And it is in YOUR control to decide what you are willing to consider and there is no shame in saying "we aren't ready for this or that". You and your DH must both be willing as it isn't an easy road. And I would encourage you that now that you've had this possibility presented (whether or not you take it) that you take time to consider the full picture. It is not just about getting a child in your home (which I'm not saying you are doing)... you must consider how the decision to enter into this kind of situation will affect your whole family and be okay with your level of comfort.

May I suggest some books to read that I've found helpful? THis link has many books that speak to the issues of prenatal exposure to substances. I have found them incredibly helpful in understanding the whole picture, not only the health of my children but their other families as well.

All that said (and sorry I went on and on... yikes...) I am in love with my kids. There are some uncertainties in their future as a result of all sorts of things that I have no control over. But all kids have the potential to have struggles in their life. It is in being prepared for them where we truly parent.

Blessings on your journey!

You can PM if you have questions.

[aclee]

I had posted asking questions about this very subject in the b-mom forum (concerned at how drug use would effect open adoption) and there were some b-mom's that were upset, or seemed to believe that this was a general assumption that I made that b-mom used drugs and would lie about it. I don't think it's true across the board, but I do think it would happen, and was curious about how it effected open adoption. Thanks so much for this post.