[Stormster]

I feel like this is my millionth post but here it goes:

My relationship with E's birth mother was very close and I was aquainted with his birth father and got to know him but the primary relationship was with her. I promised to send her photos weekly or monthly to her home. I told her as long as she let me know if she moved she would always get the photos and I would never let her down.

They have/had a huge fight about a month ago. I don't know what happened since last week when he told me, but she had moved out and into a place where they abuse a lot of substances. He used the term "crack house" He and I had a long chat but we did not discuss future photos, only that he had seen the others.

This week she sent an email saying she'd call but she never did. Basically my question is should I send photos to the BF who she is not speaking to? It is the only address I have for her and I have new photos to send. Or should i wait to hear from her and find out her new address? I really don't want to keep sending duplicates because it is expensive. As it is I was sending her 2 or 3 of each photo for her to share. But I have since stopped that again because of the expense.

But the arrangement was with her! But they lived together. I don't know what to do. The fight they are in is so terrible I know he won't show her at least for now.

I feel like I should save them up for her and then send them all at once. But should I send them now to her old address for him to see? He was very warm to me when I visited and was so kind during the TPR process.

Also, would it be betraying her in any way? In her email she did not seem too pleased I had had that long conversation with him!

[Leigh131313]

I'd send him his own set of pictures - he is the birthfather after all. Then when you get an addy or something from her, send her a set of her own as well.

If you are worried about expense, just don't send a ton....but I'd definitely send to both.

[kelceesmom]

I personally would send the bfather a couple here and there. He should be able to see how E is changing. Or you might just ask him if he would like you to continue sending pictures and that you don't want to overstep your bounds if he doesn't want them.

I would save pictures for E's bmom and when you get a solid address send them to her.

[rtsmom]

I agree with others. Ask E's b-father if he would like you to continue sending photos to him. If yes, then send them to his current address. Save copies and once you've heard from E's b-mom and you have an address to send them to, then pop them in the mail. Simple!

I wouldn't toil too much about this. She's the one who has changed her living arrangements. It's up to her to let you know her new mailing address.

I would also just send her one of each photo. If she wants to give copies to others, it's easy enough for her to get copies made.

Janet

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Stormster

I feel like this is my millionth post but here it goes:

My relationship with E's birth mother was very close and I was aquainted with his birth father and got to know him but the primary relationship was with her. I promised to send her photos weekly or monthly to her home. I told her as long as she let me know if she moved she would always get the photos and I would never let her down.

They have/had a huge fight about a month ago. I don't know what happened since last week when he told me, but she had moved out and into a place where they abuse a lot of substances. He used the term "crack house" He and I had a long chat but we did not discuss future photos, only that he had seen the others.

This week she sent an email saying she'd call but she never did. Basically my question is should I send photos to the BF who she is not speaking to? It is the only address I have for her and I have new photos to send. Or should i wait to hear from her and find out her new address? I really don't want to keep sending duplicates because it is expensive. As it is I was sending her 2 or 3 of each photo for her to share. But I have since stopped that again because of the expense.

But the arrangement was with her! But they lived together. I don't know what to do. The fight they are in is so terrible I know he won't show her at least for now.

I feel like I should save them up for her and then send them all at once. But should I send them now to her old address for him to see? He was very warm to me when I visited and was so kind during the TPR process.

Also, would it be betraying her in any way? In her email she did not seem too pleased I had had that long conversation with him!

I would send him his own pictures. We've had similar issues in DD's situation when her sisters were living somewhere other than with their mother (DD's First Mom). I would send pics to DD's First Mom and two other sets to the sisters so they had their own. And we also send pics to GrammaB as well.

Even if the relnship betw E's First Parents breaks down, they are both his first parents. If he is willing to be a part of E's life then I would embrace that! Embrace any contact you can get!

[lovemy2boys]

I would also send the bdad pics - our youngest son's bparents split up and even though we didnt have much of a relationship with the bfather, he was worried that the split would result in him not receiving any more updates (although this is info we hear through the grapevine because he never contacts us.)

I know you said that bmom has emailed you, which must mean she has access to a computer. What about burning all the pictures onto a disk for her? That way when she is reachable, she can have everything on one disk and can make copies accordingly. (We did disks for both of our boys' bparents - we put all their pics on there from birth to present day, but you can just put on what you want to give them...)

[oleson1]

Since you are talking to him, does he have access to the Internet where you could send him photos over Snapfish or KodakGallery (or something of the like?)

It would keep costs down for you and get him up to date photos...

[Vogi2002]

I used to send duplicates for the bfather as well..and it DOES get expensive.

Now we dont' know where the bfather lives so I only send one set. I wouldn't send 2 or 3 sets so that she could share, that is her responsibility in my opinion. Pictures can get expensive, and if her family wants a copy it is not hard to scan and copy it at any store KWIM? I don't mean to sound harsh...not at all...but it DOES get to be too much....

Hope this helps!! I wouldn't send pictures unless you have an address specifically.

[browneyes0707]

How about e-mailing her pics, with an explaination that she has moved and you wanted her to have the pics, so you e-mailed them? I get digital pics from DD's a-mom, and I know if I want hard copies, I can burn them and go have them printed out, or print them with my photo printer

And do send b-dad pics. It's not your responsibility to worry about who's going to be upset with whom. Your responsibility is to keep in touch with those who want to for the sake of E. If you think you want to pursue a relationship with him, go for it! Their fights are their fights to have, and IMO, she shouldn't be upset over you talking with him, it's not her place to say. And that comes from someone who has not always had a warm and fuzzy relationship with my DD's b-dad!

Pre digital photos, I had gotten one copy of pics in which I showed b-dad and he got to choose which ones he wanted me to copy (he could choose all if he wanted) but since I was the one who a-mom kept in touch with, I was the one who got the pics.

Hope that helps! Good luck!!

[Stormster]

i'm going to send the pics to the address I know of. Her access to the internet is spotty at best and he hates computers. But it's no big deal. I am not doing this because he's DS's birth dad but because in spite of is serious addictions, is highly functional and a truly loving father to his other children even though he does not have custody of them. Some of the comments above made me feel like some people think he is entitled only on the merit of being his birth father and I do not agree with that. They did not even WANT an open adoption. It was I who wanted it and in time she agreed but he, who was initally pushing her to terminate, that I didn't get to really know until recently. It is because of that that I am sending him pictures of E, because he cares not because he's the "birth father".

Also, yesterday there was a message from their 6 year old daugher asking how her little brother is. To be honest, even though she is a heavenly little girl, I was not ready for that. We had discussed introducing the children at the appropriate time with the help of a social worker. I felt somehow like I was being manipulated. For what I do not know. I called them back, couldn't reach them and wrote a long litany of all the wonderful things about her baby brother I could think of: light, cute, fun things and emailed them to her mom.

I don't know why it made me feel funny. It just caught me off guard. E's birth mom doesn't even had visitation of this little girl. His birth dad sneaks the girl into see her mother even though he is forbidden to do so by her guardians, her paternal grandparents. So that's another reason it felt weird. Plus I know she needs money for drugs again so....she tried to get my credit card number through an internet account etc.

So I know what she needs but the call from the lovely little girl with the mom holding the phone and telling her what to say seemed so soon, so strange, in some ways such a violation because I was so not ready for that yet and also because her guardians her grandparents do not recognize Ethan as their grandson and probably would have been shocked by the whole thing.

I'm trying to sort out what this was. Why it feels so wierd. What do you guys think?

[Vogi2002]

Honestly Storm - if he is battling addiction, and she is trying to steal your credit card number for money for drugs...I would not send them pictures nor updates. Nor would I write letters.

From what I got out of the first post I thought the bdad and mom were healthy people, with healthy lifestyles, that are down on thier luck or having relationship problems.

I commend you for wanting an open adoption...but are you sure it is going to be healthy for your child to have any contact with them with thier lifestyles the way they are?

It sounds like there is a LOT of issues there (the grandparents not recognizing E, etc) and I would be afriad that E is going to get mixed up in it (though I know you wouldn't let this happen.

Good luck...honestly I wouldn't send pictures unless you are 100% positive it's her address. You can get a lot of information off of a picture, and I wouldn't want pictures of my child in the hands of someone else. KWIM?

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by Stormster

E's birth mom doesn't even had visitation of this little girl. His birth dad sneaks the girl into see her mother even though he is forbidden to do so by her guardians, her paternal grandparents.

Do you know why this is?? Is thier abuse involved? I would NOT be okay with this and it would send some pretty big red flags up as far as contact goes with E....but you might know things that we don't...but usually if visits aren't allowed (but I'm thinking CPS also) it's due to neglect or abuse...right?

[kune]

Vogi2002
From the first post I assume that contact is in the way of photos once a month. (Could be wrong) Not physical contact. I also assumed then that Stormster and the bparents/bmother entered into an agreement for the photo-swap to happen. I don't see any harm in continuing the photos to either bfather or bmother. I think it is in the child's best interests to continue doing what was agreed in the beginning.

Stormster - You wrote...

We had discussed introducing the children at the appropriate time with the help of a social worker.

I think it's possible you were being bullied a little. Set up by bmother while she is in this angry, lost phase. Congratulations on handling it well. It can't be easy to be reminded that while you try to foster strong family ties in your home, there are others who want part of your son's life when it just is not appropriate at the moment. My suggestion to you is to stick to what you promised. You promised photos ......Send them to the only address you have. If the bfather opens them.......that's not your problem.
For your son's sake, try to keep the lines of communication open. In years to come he will thank you for your honesty and ethics and - and it's a great example to set for your children..until they are of the age when they can choose themselves who they have contact with.

Ann