[jmsa]

Briefly, last week one of our agencies and called us about a potential situation. Everything about it was great except (and it is a big EXCEPT) that the e-mom tested positive for meth at her last Dr. exam. Apparently, she is being very tight-lipped about it to the social worker and the agency doesn't know the extent or frequency of her meth use.

Going into this process, meth was the drug that most scared me, given the mysteries about its long-term effects on children. Nonetheless, I agreed to have our profile submitted to her, while at the same time expressing my reservations about her meth use.

Well, she picked our profile and the agency has set up a conference call. Since the agency knows so little about her meth use, I asked them whether we could ask her directly about it on the call. They said "no" because it would likely make her feel really uncomfortable. I totally understand this, but all I have to go on right now is a failed drug test.

While I know matching ultimtately requires a leap of faith on both sides, even if she were to officially choose us after the call, I don't think we could make that leap without more specifics on the drug use (regardless of how much we fell in love with her).

I would LOVE to get some feedback from anyone on here who has dealt with a situation similar to this. What information would you insist on before you would accept this situation as a match? Am I wrong to go into this conference call while feeling so skeptical? I am feeling very confused. Help!

[akr9504]

call a pedi...and go with your heart.

[jheald]

When we were faced with drug usage the first thing we did was phone our pediatrician and ask for his most brutally honest opinion. The thing that stuck with us was that the affects of the usage could show up at birth or 15 years down the road (or sooner or later).

We also have friends that have adopted babies with known drug usage and one is showing learning / social disabilities, but nothing drastic so far. The other family has a boy (now in his teens) that is just scary. He will probably be in jail one day. They have had him since he was a baby as well.

You'll know if you can live with the chance or not.

Janet

[Linny]

Good idea on calling a pediatrician. However, I have to say that I think the agency is very wrong to assume you'd take a situation w/o being fully educated on the extent of the drug use, KWIM?
Your concern in asking is to be better equipped to help the baby if you're chosen. This isn't supposed to be about 'making her feel comfortable or uncomfortable' in this respect, it's about helping this drug-exposed baby once it's born!!!
I'm NOT trying to be insensitive to this birthmother who's considering adoption....but I'd think she would see your question as a genuine concern for her baby, KWIM?

In all honesty, we actually turned down an already born baby a few years ago. One of the major reasons was because the agency wouldn't ask the birthmother for specifics on her alcohol/drug consumption!!!! They said she was too afraid to admit to the amount-----but the baby had been born with drugs in his system and was still in the NIC unit due to this!!!!

We felt to be the best prepared, we'd need to have the most information. We weren't allowed to get it; and this combined with a couple of other reasons, led us to pass on the baby.

Of course go with your gut----but it seems there should be no harm in wanting to know the extent a baby might be harmed. Drug use always harms to some extent........having the answers to help in that knowledge is only going to help----THIS BABY.
My best to you...

Sincerely,

Linny

[aldes]

just our xperience...foster parents for years, many babies, all medically challenged, lots of different drug/alcohol exposure in utero. Alcohol is the worst, b/c it affects so randomly. 1 drink for 1 woman may have disasterous effects for baby while 200 hundred drinks in another might not show at all. true to lesser extent for drugs. We had boy whose mom was found with needle in her arm giving birth in doorway. he seemed perfectly normal his entire first year before he went home to dad. Another child was exposed to hi doses of psycho-trops b/c mom was state patient who got pg in hosp & no one knew until the end. She had a miserable first 2 years, but is now at 12, incredibly smart, poised, accomplished and everything anyone would want in a child. I could go on, but basically, we can't think of any foster child we had that turned out having major difficulties. On the other hand, we have 2 bs's with ADHD while the other 5 are fine. DW was vegan, didn't smoke drink or do drugs. Ad's mom supposedly did not use drugs or drink & ad has all kinds of issues. You can't ever tell, like you can't really tell about bio kids either. You just have to feel it's right for you. When it's your kid, it's your kid & you just put one foot in front of the other to do what you need to do. JMO & X(periences)

[jigger]

I have to go with aldes on this one. Those of us who adopted out of foster care are VERY used to dealing with drug exposed kids. Ultimately, just like having a baby, adopting is like spinning a roulette wheel. You just have to go with your heart and pray for the best. If I was in your poisition, I'd make sure I was very educated on drug exposed children. You might even want to contact an adoption agency in you area who handles foster care to see if you can sit in on some of their classes on this subject. Ultimately, don't let them scare you. Being educated and being terrified are 2 different things that are sometimes hard to seperate. You will just have to trust that if this is the right child, that it will feel right.

Also, can you require that the birth mother do drug tests throughout the rest of the pregnancy? Meth is hard because it metabilizes fairly quickly. What that means is that she has to have done the drug within about 24 hours of the test for it to really show up. For this reason, random tests are preferred.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by jmsa

Briefly, last week one of our agencies and called us about a potential situation. Everything about it was great except (and it is a big EXCEPT) that the e-mom tested positive for meth at her last Dr. exam. Apparently, she is being very tight-lipped about it to the social worker and the agency doesn't know the extent or frequency of her meth use.

Going into this process, meth was the drug that most scared me, given the mysteries about its long-term effects on children. Nonetheless, I agreed to have our profile submitted to her, while at the same time expressing my reservations about her meth use.

Well, she picked our profile and the agency has set up a conference call. Since the agency knows so little about her meth use, I asked them whether we could ask her directly about it on the call. They said "no" because it would likely make her feel really uncomfortable. I totally understand this, but all I have to go on right now is a failed drug test.

While I know matching ultimtately requires a leap of faith on both sides, even if she were to officially choose us after the call, I don't think we could make that leap without more specifics on the drug use (regardless of how much we fell in love with her).

I would LOVE to get some feedback from anyone on here who has dealt with a situation similar to this. What information would you insist on before you would accept this situation as a match? Am I wrong to go into this conference call while feeling so skeptical? I am feeling very confused. Help!

You have a right to know health information that will help you make your decision regarding the health of the child. If you are willing to go through with this possible match and placement, then you are assuming the risk of a possible worst case scenario where the child's heath is concerned.

I think it is wrong for the agency to advise you not to ask her about her drug use. She tested positive. You have a right to ask. Does she have to tell? No. Will she be uncomfortable? Probably. And from my experience in our two situations, most likely what is told beforehand is often not the whole story and you have to take that into consideration as well. I am certain for most expecting mothers who struggle with addictions and use during pregnancy, this may be a very difficult and embarrassing thing for them. There are gentle and loving ways to initiate the conversation but you have a right to at least ask and base your decision on the information you receive.

If this is a make or break issue, then you need to say no. If it isn't than you might consider this. As you said (and from my research during our wait for both our children), meth is a fairly new drug and the short-term results of studies about children exposed to meth is ominous. I'm not expert, but my understanding is that if the child exposed prenatally to meth is born relatively healthy and then placed in a home that does not have meth use, he/she has a chance of greater health. There are high risks for major organ defects because of the effect of longterm use, so I would make sure that she has had at least a level II ultrasound to determine the health of the baby as best possible. But again, there are so many unknowns in any child who has prenatal exposure to substance.

That said, it would be wise to contact a pediatrician (even a developmental ped who deals with prenatal exposure... because a lot of general peds don't have alot of experience in this area) to discuss this.

[AudreyE]

I have to warn you... it's a crapshoot.

Our older daughter who had little drug exposure but plenty of alcohol exposure is severely emotionally and learning disabled.

Our son who had some of both is fine, except for ADHD.

Our younger daughter, who was born after BMom smoked a PCP-laced doobie is not only "normal", she's even gifted.

So no one really knows what will happen. Talk to a pediatrician, and go with your instinct.

Audrey

[jmsa]

I would like to thank everyone who posted here and pm'd me with such great advice. I truly don't know what I would do without this message board!

We had the conference call today, which went very well, and the expectant mother decided that she wants to be matched with us. We are excited, but are doing more research before we officially accept. Tonight we spoke with her case worker, another family who adopted a baby through the same agency born to a mother with a more serious meth habit, and got the number of a great pediatrician who I will call tomorrow.

Right now though, we are leaning towards accepting the match. Again, thanks so much for the advice.