[ocracoke]

On this forum and on other forums I belong to I have seen people comment several times that you parent an adopted child differently then you parent a biological child. I have to say that that comment grates on my nerves but I am now open to understanding exactly what you mean.

First my background. I am an adult adoptee. I was removed due to abuse and neglect at age 5 years old. I was placed for adoption at 7 years old (with one of my biological siblings). My adoptive parents did not have any biological children until 1 week before I went away to college. I have one adopted daughter. She arrived home with me at 21 months old and is now 33 months old. I have no biological children.

So do you parent your biological children differently then you parent your adopted children? If you do, is this simply because the child is adopted or because of the parenting needs of the particular child? Enlighten me.

Samantha

[joelynn]

I'm not one of those...I parent my adopted children the same as my bio son. Of course as with all children one method might work for one child but not the other...personalities play a big part as to how I respond to the situation but overall I have the same rules for one as the other.

[loveajax]

I don't have any bio children so I don't know if I do or don't parent DD any differently than I would a bio. I tend to think I just parent her as I would parent any 2 year old. Of course, adoption is an "issue" in my DD's life that I feel we need to "address" but I guess I view it as any other issue that a kid may face that you deal with, kwim?

[knewengland]

We don't have any children yet, but when we talk about raising them, it is the same as if we'd had bio kids. We want to do the same things, plan to discipline, support and encourage them the same. The only difference imo is that there will be an awareness and sensitivity to the topic of our child's adoption which we'll address in an age-appropriate manner any time it is a topic of conversation. I really believe every child comes into this world with his or her own personality and how you interact with them will be determined as much by that as how they came to be part of your family. JMO

[bajj]

I don't have any bio kids, but I do have bio sibs. My parents parented us all the same. It was rather lousy on their part, but it was equally lousy.

[crick]

I think the way I look at these things is to take out the word "Adoption" and insert something else....

For example...disability.

Overall, you will likely treat your children the same and parent mostly the same, but there will also be situations where the child with a disability needs something different, kwim?

So maybe look at it that way? Not so much that things aren't equal, but specially tailored at times when needed?

Of course there will be parents who parent differently between their kids because they are jerks (bio vs. adopted - favoring, excluding etc.), but for those who do parent equally with sometimes differences, yes, I do think adoption can play a role in that.

[Juliana13]

Originally Posted by bajj

I don't have any bio kids, but I do have bio sibs. My parents parented us all the same. It was rather lousy on their part, but it was equally lousy.

You always make me laugh, Ani! No the situation isn't funny, but hyou have a way of putting things...

As for us - I think we parent them the same as we would bio - with the exception of additional conversations about adoption. I have heard that too, though, Samantha. And aside from being sensitive to their needs regarding their adoption experience, I am not sure what they mean. So I interestedly await more responses to your post.

Although, I guess we DO tend to be a little more aware and put more effort into making sure our kids never doubt that this is their real, forever family. They are named after members of the family, we tell stories of their (our) ancestors (Yes - we also talk of their birth families and heritage), and although we would do that with bio kids, I am aware that at least a part of the reason I do it is to make sure they know and feel they really belong here.

[bajj]

Originally Posted by Juliana13

You always make me laugh, Ani! No the situation isn't funny, but hyou have a way of putting things...

Glad I could be of service!

[Lorraine123]

I parent my biological children in a very different way than my adopted daughter. My daughter has very serious special needs due to her adoption, so therefore she is treated in a different way. In fact, I also parent my two biological children in different ways due to their needs. Remember - different doesn't mean unfair.

[HansenFamAZ]

I have two bio kids (7 and 9) and two a kids (9 mo and 5 mo). I know I parent the older girls differently than I do the babies at that age because life is different now. We are now our early thirties, settled, and have parented two babies and saw what worked and what didn't. I think I take more time to "smell the roses" with #3 and #4 and also am not freaked out if they tumble over or have to cry for a few minutes before they are picked up, etc. =)

I DO NOT parent them differently because they are adopted. I don't know if "parent differently" is the word, but I know I do things differently between my older girls, because THEY are different. They respond to and need different things.

My youngest two will have different emotional issues related to being adopted and possibly developmental, as they were both meth exposed in utero. Those issues will be addressed child by child.

But hey, my oldest is an extremely school-related stressed child, that sunburns very easily, that is very tall for her age and has reading fluency challenges. So whether they are bio or adopted, they all "have their stuff" that makes them act the way they do and they will be parented and loved overall the same and dealt with and figured out individually as approriate. =)

JMTC

[ocracoke]

Ani -- you cracked me up too.


My parents parented my sister and I very differently. We are very different people despite the fact that we are biological siblings adopted at the same time. As a kid I often thought they were easier on my sister then me (as an adult I now know that they did do this because they felt I could handle more then her). I guess I have never seen "adoption" as a special need. But I can see how the experiences that led up to the adoption can lead a child to needing specific things that maybe children who did not experience that would not need. But I also see that a bio child could have those experiences too. And maybe I have just been mis-interpreting what people have been trying to say when I have read those on posts in the past.

Actually I did read recently from someone on one of my other forums that she feels like she has a chemical reaction to her daughter that she gave birth to but not the child she adopted. She felt comfortable breast feeding her bio daughter but not her adopted daughter (bio was born just weeks before the adopted child came home and she was still under 6 months). I also read in an article that Alice Walker's daughter (sorry can't remember her name) was quoted as saying something like that for an adopted child she would do anything for that child within reason but for a bio child she would do anything without reason. Made me angry. Angry that she thinks my connection to my adoptive mom is less because I am adopted or that my connection with my adopted daughter is less because she is adopted. And I wanted to tell her that for the record I would do anything for my child without reason (I am assuming she was referring to saving a child who was in danger -- throwing yourself in front of a moving bus type thing).

I am glad to hear that so many parent your child in a manner that makes sense for the individual child and their circumstances and not just because they are adopted.

Samantha

[ourdreamcametru]

We have two bio children and one adopted. I can't say that we parent Castle differently because she is adopted. We have parented each of our children in the manner that has worked best for that individual child. Most of our parenting is the same for all three but each is different in the way they respond to different situations so our parenting changes to adapt. One thing that I have noticed it that we may parent Castle differently than the boys only because she is a girl not because she is adopted.

[looking4lily]

For me I have often wonderd if I would parent any future Bio children differently. I feel such a strong bond with L because of all I went through to have her in my life. I feel like it is such a different connection our special secret that I could not have with any other child. For me I think I might have a hard time NOT favoring her.

[Emster]

What that means to me is not that the love is different or even necessarily discipline is different. I think it means that your awareness as a parent of certain issues is different when you are raising a child in adoption. You have to prepare for things differently, say specific issues that could come up as different developmental stages occur. For one example, every child goes through identity issues during adolescence, right? Who am I and all that. But for the child that was adopted that might have even more significance and impact because, quite literally they may have no idea where they come from and who they're like. I believe an adoptive parent does a disservice to a child going along as if they gave birth to the child when they didn't. We must honor our children for who they are and where they came from before we came along.

I think that's where the differences in adoptive parenting come in.

[mommamarci]

I have a different perspective.

I KNOW I am parenting Cameron differently than I would have a bio kid. Here is why: If I had gotten pregnant the first month I tried, I never would have realized how desperately I wanted to be a mother. I would not have realized just what a precious gift motherhood is. I always said I would NEVER stay home with my kids. I am now home with Cameron. I see him and cherish him more fully than I think I would have a bio kid. One example, people say things sometimes as a joke when their kids are misbehaving. Something like, "want another kid?" or "I am giving her to the neighbor." I know they don't mean it and I could have seen myself doing like that with a bio kid. However, I would NEVER say that now. Because even on Cameron's worst days, I love him more than life itself and don't want him anywhere but with me. (And I know the people saying these things feel as I do. I think I am just more conscious of it.) So, yeah I am parenting him differently. I think I am a much better parent than I would have been if I had gotten pregnant immediately.