[sarahbunny]

Ok. We spent last week on vacation with my mil and fil. They adore dd - it isn't a question of that. She is #9 in their grandchild line up - the youngest by 5 years. And they see her more than the others by far - I have flown to see them with her 3 times, they have been up to see her 2 times and we met last week for a week, like i said. All in under a years time.

But last week, there were many comments made about her being adopted...

1. They went to a meeting and mentioned they were vacationing with us and their youngest grandchild. Other person was interested in her adoption and what country, etc (dd was a domestic adoption, fyi). Now, it isn't like another person would just assume she was adopted. Obviously they told this other person.

2. When housekeeping came to clean the rooms, they told them that she was adopted, after they apparently commented on how cute she is (totally true!). We weren't there for that either.

3. MIL decided to give me some advice on getting a job (I'm a SAHM) and said i should write a book on adoption and call it "How DD met her Parents." - what?

4. They met another couple and hung out with them for a while - dd's adoption came up apparently.

So...do I just say next time that they need to shut it? Obviously I need a better reply than that...any ideas?

My mom, for the record, said it was really my own fault by having adoption at the forefront of everything - i.e., by having an open adoption.
Really, anything at all that is adoption-related WILL be related to that, clearly. No matter what.

Family can be very frustrating.

[gigigeorge]

My mom says that she tells everyone about our sons adoption because she thinks its really great but I explained to her that it isn't anyones business... our youngest son, we also adopted, he was born premature... He is 6 months (but adjusted age is actually 3 months) so when people ask hold old he is I say 3 months it's just easier because inevitably I get 50 questions about it and really its not a total strangers business - lol

But when my mom came to visit she kept correcting me when we were out because she said I should inform people about it, because the adoption of both our boys was a wonderful thing and I should tell everyone about it... I dunno I guess she wants me to be the national adoption poster person - lol.

Anyways, I was thinking that was probably the case with you, that they obviously aren't doing it to be mean but are proud of the fact and want to share it

Edited to add: on a side note one of my husbands sisters is very negative about adoption, and always refers to our son as adopted. The last time we visited I told my husband that if she introduced him again as our adopted son, I was going to start introducing her as his 'fat, ugly sister'... lol.

gina.

[Leigh131313]

fat ugly sister?? LMAO!!!!



that's Awesome!!




for me this whole thing came up on our first visit back home with DS. My mom is SOOOO proud of him - and she is one of those who thinks he's even MORE special cuz he's adopted.

anyhoo - she introduced him to some random strangers who were in the store as "this is my adopted grandson - isn't he beautiful"

Now, how I explained it to her.....would SHE want to be referred to as his adoptive grandmother? Or just grandmother?

I told her that she had now placed a label on him, that if she introduces him that way, people will think of him as "the adopted one" which for some people can mean - the not real one.

She thought about it and realized I was right. We can be proud of his journey to our family through adoption without it being advertised constantly and for no particular reason.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I ran into this situation just recently with my Dad. In the course of one day, I heard him offer the fact that my daughters had been adopted to three different people. Rather than jump right on him, I went to my sister for advice (she's a very wise woman!). She said she thinks it's because Dad is very proud of the fact that the girls were adopted, he finds it unusual that we have an open adoption (that took some getting used to on his 70-year-old part, believe me) and that he doesn't see it as something he *shouldn't* share. FYI - he doesn't introduce them as "my adopted granddaughters." He usually says something funny like "Don't they look just like me? Hard to believe they were adopted, right?" (Ours was a domestic adoption as well - it's not physically evident that they are not our biological children.)

I'm trying to look at it as a generational thing. The learning curve on this whole adoption thing has been steep for the in-laws, too. My FIL actually asked me once what the girls' last name was....HUH???? I work at being patient and answering the questions as they arise, but I did call FIL on it when he said that and asked about "the biologicals." I gave him a very detailed lesson in proper adoption terminology and what he can and cannot ask about in front of the children. As they get older, we believe it's *their* story to tell, not ours.

Anyway...getting back to my dad. I plan on mentioning it sometime when it comes up in conversation that we prefer not to *offer* the information about their adoption. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know he'll feel badly if he thinks he's done something *wrong* - because he adores my girls (and me...LOL!) and would never hurt them in a million years!

[zxczxcasdasd]

I JUST had this come up with our next door neighbor and it has bugged me. Th oldest boy is 20 and a very close friend of our family and he was sitting on our grass with someone so I went out to say hi and introduce myself to his companion (about the same age as him...young adult). He said, "This is my uncle's adopted son so I guess he's sort of my cousin, I mean, I like to think of him as my cousin." I was just...HUH????? I wanted to say "WHAT are you TALKING about? Like to THINK of him as your cousin?" BUt I figured this guy was an adult and could speak for himself...so I just said "Of COURSE he's your cousin!" smiled and shook his hand. But...what???

[joelynn]

I was going to start introducing her as his 'fat, ugly sister'... lol.

Now that is too funny!! I'll try to remember something like that the next time I run into similiar situation. Families are funny aren't they???

[BabsCanada]

Gina, I also love the 'fat, ugly sister' comment - lol here too!

Sarah, I think a gentle reminder that even in open adoption the choice to tell or not belongs to the child;

It shouldn't be the first 'fact' presented and no child should every be introduced as 'the adopted one'.

I never shy away from telling our story, once its relevance is apparent. Sort of on a 'need to know' basis. Our dd is almost 11 and will sometimes refer to herself as adopted, but never to strangers and it isn't how she thinks of herself, nor how we think of her - she is simply our daughter.

Singling out any family member as the 'adopted one' is simply wrong.

Acknowledging that our family was created thru adoption is a story we choose to share, or not, depending on circumstances.

For the families that can't help celebrating the glory of their loved ones come to them thru adoption - it's all good isn't it?! but they should be aware that it is a story that doesn't need to be broadcast indiscriminately.

Their hearts are likely in the right place; but they need to think before they speak, that's all.

[joelynn]

In our case it's a daily thing because we have adopted transracially. we were having dinner recently with my in-laws at a Mexican resturant. Both of my kids are hispanic. The waiter through broken English pointed at my son and asked who was his father...my blonde/blue eyed husband spoke up (all of us including our bio son has dark hair and brown eyes) and said "I am"! The guy looked real funny and I could see the in-laws sucking in their collective breath to see how we answered. I spoke up and explained that both kids were adopted. So even when you don't plan on bringing it up it becomes an almost daily thing.

[Vogi2002]

I'm not sure I think any of those things are neccessarily out of line....I think it's natural to talk about it...of course the introducing as "Adopted grandson" is innappropriate (LOL about the fat ugly sister) but if they are just mentioning it to them it might just come up in conversation. My mom tells EVERYONE that her grandson is adopted but with transracial adoption it's more obvious so it comes up. Especially with AA people, my mom is so proud that he is black and adopted and is usually going on and on about it with someone (but after showing his picture to people it's farely obvious).

I will say that whenever I show a picture of my son to people I usually say "Btw we adopted him" LOL Just because I hate to leave them hanging as it's pretty apparent, now in front of him it will be different and details don't need to be said, but I do tend to be open about it.

[sarahbunny]

Well, I suppose if you are going to come at it from a POSITIVE standpoint...

I guess I tend to equate any adoption comment with how my mother intends it, which is rarely positive. But, you all have given me a more optimistic and *hopefully* likely reason.

Still, I will watch carefully and tell dh to say something if something needs to be said. It's his mom, after all.

Or...I could introduce her as dd's adopted grandmother. See if she gets it that way!

[Vogi2002]

Okay well if she is usually negative then I would be less likely to be "positive" about her comments. I would probably become very defensive then and use the excuse of wanting to keep his story private LOL!

Good luck, this is hard, sometimes it's hard to figure people out and not instantly attack!!

[AwaitingBeloved]

This came up with us when DD was only a few months old. When my in-laws came for finalization, we went out to eat the night before at a local restaurant, and they were telling EVERYone all about dd being adopted and that's why they were here at the time and how much she looks like them, etc, etc, etc.

I waited until the waiter left, and I asked them nicely to not say that anymore. That from this time she was just our daughter. Not our adopted daughter, just our daughter. I explained that we do not know how DD will feel about us discussing her business with other people, if she'll mind or not, so I'd rather err on the side of caution and let her make the choice to tell her own story.

So far, (she's 18 months now) they've gotten it. At least, in front of me they have. I don't hold too much hope for dh's sister, she's just ignorant and doesn't care about anything other than her own agenda... so I'm sure eventually it will come up again.

But not too shabby, we've gone a year without an issue. Knock on wood.. we're seeing the in laws again this weekend. Hopefully it will still be so far so good.

[chrisandaaron]

LOL about the Fat, ugly sister

It is pretty obvious that we adopted our youngest son (1 AA, 1 CC and only 3 months apart in age). When people start asking me about ages, I usually bring up the adoption. My husband on the other hand likes to leave them hanging (he thinks it is funny). As far as my parents, they are always telling people about Troy's adoption because they think it is great and he is so WONDERFUL. I did discuss with my mom that "we" make an effort to say "we adopted Troy" versus "he is adopted". That way adoption is an action that was our choice, instead of labeling him as our "adopted child." It is really a play on words, but she seemed to get the point and hopped on board modeling more appropriate adoption language. As Troy gets older, I will say less and ask my family to say less about "his story." But, for now he doesn't know the difference and I figure if more people know now, less people will ask later, IMO (we live in a small town). The really private details I keep to myself, even from my family (mom couldn't keep her mouth shut if she wanted to).

[nikkianni]

My Mother was TOTALLY against adoption. To the point that while we were waiting I told her if she told me one more horror story or brought up one more "what if" scenario we weren't going to talk again. Seriously, don't mess with people when they've been waiting for a while. She shut up but wasn't happy about it.
Then Eve came home. My Mom cried longer and harder than enyone else. She bought out Carter's and Osh Kosh. She has a rolodex of pictures she takes with her, one she leaves at home and one at work. So yeah, the whole anti-adoption it won't be my granddaughter thing went right out the window.
Dad was quieter a bout his disapproval but still had major doubts. Mostly that DH and I would get hurt I think. Now we kind of have the opposite problem with him that you do Sarah. The other day I was talking about our Celebrating Adoption photo session and he said something about her not being adopted, just being Evie. I told him that's part of who she is and that won't change. You don't hide it, it's nothing to hide from. I don't think he meant it that way, but I wanted to make sure he understood that Eve's story will always be there and that we have no intention of ignoring or downplaying it.
Then there's my aunt. We took her and my uncle to an MSU game a couple of weeks ago and on the way were talking about the adoption. She basically asked if we were going to keep it from Eve and said they'd say nothing if that's what we wanted. Now, before everyone gets too upset, my aunt really is a great person. She's also 65 with NO firsthand experience with adoption. She, like the rest of my family, adopres Eve. But she's still behind the times on adoption issues. WAY behind. So I said no, there's nothing wrong with adoption or the fact the Eve's adopted. We already tell her her story and she'll always know it. It's just one more thing that makes her special. My aunt was great with that.
I think honestly people- especially family- do often have good intentions, they just don't think things through.

[joelynn]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

I think honestly people- especially family- do often have good intentions, they just don't think things through.

I agree with you!!